David Dickenson Deso.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson kills Mark Stacey and buries him in the back garden. "Givvus a hand Ada love, it'll be dawn soon and we've got to get Stacey six-feet under before the milky comes round!"

David Dickinson starts a petition to "stop them bringing back Cherry Coke! It's far too moreish!"

David Dickinson dresses up as Toad of Toad Hall for a fancy dress party, but everyone keeps asking him who he's supposed to be. "Bloody pop culture, they don't know nowt about anything before the '80s now!"

David Dickinson finds a dusty old Betamax cassette in his loft and sets up his antique Betamax player to watch it. It starts off with Tennis highlights from '77, then suddenly The Clifton House Mystery comes on. "Good old Sallis," sobs Dickinson, "good old Sallis."

[jenna appleseed]

David Dickinson panics when a national shortage shortage of Mahogany wood stain forces him to start an alternative skin care regime.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is disappointed that he has been unable to achieve 'Largest Christmas Tree in the Village' status this year, an accolade that goes to Old Tom up the road. "That fucker's a sly one, I bet he went up woods and illegally chopped down a big pine, dragging it home under cover of darkness with the help of his not-insubstantial, inbred kin!"

David Dickinson reads his wife's copy of Woman's Way while having his locks coiffed in the local hairdressers. "I'll give it back when I'm finished Ada love, you just get your perm done. Another coffee if you're sticking the kettle on, Sandra. Oh hello Suzy - come in to get y'bangs seen to? You go, girl!"

David Dickinson hands out jam sandwiches to the needy to "make me feel less guilty at Christmas".

David Dickinson rings John Torode and asks him to meet him at a secret location to discuss "the Dimbleby situation. You know what I mean, John. You know what I mean."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is disappointed that The Good Old Days isn't on any more. "It's not been on for years. I blame the 1980's, PC came along and we were no longer allowed to laugh at nowt."

David Dickinson is sexually attracted to one his garden gnomes. It's a secret he will carry to his grave.

David Dickinson once had an argument with Paulo Wanchope about the price of cabbage. "You're not native, you wouldn't know!"

David Dickinson's favourite film is "the original V. Don't tell me it's a 'mini-series', it's a two-part movie!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson gets a job lot of hooky laughing buddha statuettes from Devious Dave at the Saturday market. "Sue Barker will snap a couple of them up at £50 a pop, the fool, guaranteed!"

David Dickinson decides not to purchase a holiday home in Perthshire as "I am not particularly fond of the Scots people, let me put it that way," he tells Nick Knowles over a Costa coffee.

David Dickinson once wrote to Esther Rantzen asking "for any old tat or jumble you may have that I can sell on at a profit, Esther. Cheers."

David Dickinson once punched Donny Osmond in the stomach in a pub in Stockport during an argument over crisps. "I was young and stupid."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson buys Ada a cheap bottle of perfume in Poundstretcher for Christmas. "It's the thought that counts," he convinces himself while he treats himself to a new stereo system in Curry's.

David Dickinson browses through a rack of gilets in Debenhams.

David Dickinson makes a point of never saying hello to "the yashmak women" when he picks his grandson up from school.

David Dickinson pretends to like rugby even though it bores him to tears. "Gotta look macho!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson's favourite product is Windolene. "I don't know where we'd be without it."

David Dickinson started his career as a tea boy for Christies. "I used to live in the cellar and arise at 5PM every day. Best bit of training a child labourer can receive!"

David Dickinson spends twenty minutes perusing the confectionary before opting for a Crunchie. "Are you sure you don't need a another ten minutes to decide?" sighs Mr. Patel. "Don't get sassy, mate," retorts Dickinson. They've never liked each other.

David Dickinson deliberately crashes his car into a lamppost in a bid to kill Ada Dickinson. "We both survived, with minor contusions," he tells John Stapleton over a pint. "Try as I might, I'll never get my hands on her family fortune!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson has his collection of '80s porn mags evaluated at somewhere in the region of 100-200 pounds. "Fucking bullshit, I'm getting a second opinion!"

David Dickinson cycles to Penrith to "meet a man about an antique, Ada," he tells the wife. But secretly he is having an affair with a shire horse.

David Dickinson was once banned from the ITV studios for six weeks for calling Richard Madeley "a talentless stick insect with less knowledge then a jar of chutney."

David Dickinson often hangs around the local post office to make sure the villagers are paying their TV licences.

[darby o chill]

David Dickinson mistakes a Jehovah Witness for an Irish traveler "Clear off ya thieving scamp! Y'lucky I don't plant me boot in yer backside!"

David Dickinson settles down for a plate of egg and chips in front of the telly. "Scrum diddly!"

David Dickinson waves his fist at a black child on a zebra crossing. "Nowt against the coloureds, but there's three of 'em in the village now!"

David Dickinson sedates his wife with chloroform before attaching a photo of Cheryl Cole to her face with Pritt Stick. "Get that into ye, ye saucy minx"

David Dickinson spots an injured robin in his prize flower bed. "Lorne, he's ruining the tulips, fetch me badminton racket!"

[darby o chill]

David Dickinson laughs when HS Art posts imply he is a racist.
David Dickinson has been married to a black woman since 1968. Oh.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson laughs when HS Art posts imply he is a racist.
David Dickinson has been married to a black woman since 1968. Oh.

"It's just a sham marriage, it's so people can't accuse me of being a bigot! Ooh, don't I look like George Best there?"

Meanwhile:

David Dickinson puts a contract out on Martin Bashir after he refuses to sell Dickinson an antique fob.

David Dickinson has the ability to manipulate Joe Pasquale via mind control. He once made Pasquale go into a newsagents and steal a load of Trebor Softmints, "for a laugh!"

David Dickinson buys a load of pandas and has them illegally imported from China. He trains them to do menial tasks for him around the grounds of his estate, and dubs them his "Handy Pandies!"

David Dickinson once had a blazing row with Brian May in a curry house in Salford, after he accused May of "chewing too loudly! What y'gotta say to that, poodle head?"

[Glebe]

Boxing Day, and David Dickinson pours himself a large sherry and settles down to watch The Great Escape. "There's some mallow cakes in the kitchen Ada, bring them in to us would you? Thanks love."

David Dickinson occasionally gets a twinge of anxiety when he remembers the moment when Larry Grayson puts his hand on his knee and winked at a soiree in 1986.

"1982, 'auction party' in Staffordshire. Some chick was eyeing me up from across the room. Decided to turn on the charm. With a nod and a wink, I was upon her, slapping her on the arse as I ordered a Babysham from Dave the bartender. Got me end away that night. It was free and easy in them days, just before the AIDS panic hit," David Dickinson tells Monty Don on a packed bus.

David Dickinson is kicking a Flymo in the garden. "Start, you fucking cunt!"

[Pingers]

Boxing Day, and David Dickinson pours himself a large sherry and settles down to watch The Great Escape. "There's some mallow cakes in the kitchen Ada, bring them in to us would you? Thanks love."

David Dickinson occasionally gets a twinge of anxiety when he remembers the moment when Larry Grayson puts his hand on his knee and winked at a soiree in 1986.

"1982, 'auction party' in Staffordshire. Some chick was eyeing me up from across the room. Decided to turn on the charm. With a nod and a wink, I was upon her, slapping her on the arse as I ordered a Babysham from Dave the bartender. Got me end away that night. It was free and easy in them days, just before the AIDS panic hit," David Dickinson tells Monty Don on a packed bus.

David Dickinson is kicking a Flymo in the garden. "Start, you fucking cunt!"

What a great start to my day, especially the last one.

[Glebe]

What a great start to my day, especially the last one.

Cheers Pingers, now you've cheered me up!

[Glebe]

Lucy Worsley is setting the table for breakfast when her husband walks in.

"Letter for you, love!" he says, throwing the mysterious missive onto the breakfast table. "Wonder who it's from?"

"I have a fair idea, going from the bad handwriting on the envelope," replies Worsley with a frown.

"Ahem... 'dear Lossy, sell me that anteek dog wot yoose have in your hoose or i will break both of your husbends armes. luv, dickenzon.'"

Worsley goes to the phone and makes a call.

"Hello... oh Ada, hello. Yes, could I speak to David, please? Look I know he's there. Could you put him on, please?

"Hello, David? If I receive one single letter from you again I will call the police. Please get help. Goodbye."

"Who was that, love?"

"Oh just David Dickinson. He's not well, you know. The marmalade's in the press, see you later!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is up at cock's crow, planting some geranium seeds in the front garden. "Back to nature, mate! Back to nature!"

David Dickinson is spotted reading The Racing Post in the local cafe by the village gazette's ace reporter. Front page news.

David Dickinson wants to travel to Edinburgh for New Year's Eve, "but these bloody covid restrictions have put the kibosh on that little plan," he grumbles to Alan Titchmarsh on the main street, "bloody nanny state!"

David Dickinson places a rare ormolu clock on the mantelpiece and officially dubs it "Pride of the Fireplace".

[Glebe]

David Dickinson's favourite cereal is Rice Krispies. "But only the official Kellogg's ones!" Simple as that.

Who's this arriving at Huw Edward's New Years fancy dress ball dressed as Benny from Crossroads? Why it's David Dickinson, OBVIOUSLY.

David Dickinson's full name is David Arbuthnot Braithwaite Dickinson III.

David Dickinson can't draw, but enjoys using tracing paper to copy Beano strips, with his tongue inevitably sticking out of the side of his lip as he gingerly reproduces the classic comic characters. He will then claim to somebody that he drew them from memory.

[jenna appleseed]

David Dickinson places a rare ormolu clock on the mantelpiece and officially dubs it "Pride of the Fireplace".

His rival Tim Wonnacott smugly mocks "More like 'Pride of the Mantelpiece ho ho ho".

Sneaks into DD's house in the middle of the night, throws the clock in to the the fireplace, and breaks out the lighter fluid. 
Safely outside, having run like the clappers, he texts some pics over to David & wife, fortunately off at posh hotel for xmas (David insisted: "restrictions or no restrictions, I'm not missing the chance to borrow any rare antiquities that might be on display & stuff them in my suitcase with the towels & mini toiletries.") 

"Now it's living up to it's name, btw sorry I set your house on fire
ps. Not sorry.".

[Glebe]

His rival Tim Wonnacott smugly mocks "More like 'Pride of the Mantelpiece ho ho ho".

Sneaks into DD's house in the middle of the night, throws the clock in to the the fireplace, and breaks out the lighter fluid. 
Safely outside, having run like the clappers, he texts some pics over to David & wife, fortunately off at posh hotel for xmas (David insisted: "restrictions or no restrictions, I'm not missing the chance to borrow any rare antiquities that might be on display & stuff them in my suitcase with the towels & mini toiletries.") 

"Now it's living up to it's name, btw sorry I set your house on fire
ps. Not sorry.".

"This is a suprisingly devious move by Wonnacott, David."

"Indeed, Ada - y'know, you're a perceptive sort by turns, y'know that? Y'smart. That's why I married yah!"

"What about my beautiful fizzog, David?"

"Well that goes without saying, love! Now ring the insurance people. I'm gonna have a shower and a wank. Oh where's the Vosene, love?"

[Huxleys Babkins]

On his way to Kwik Fit, David Dickinson pulls up outside the local children's home and does burnouts in his Jag for the cheering kiddies. "I can put that down as charity work and get the VAT back on me new set of Michelins" he quipped.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Looking for a Christmas gift for his grandson, David Dickinson tries to haggle for a Nintendo Switch in Currys. "I'll give you a hundred and you can have me belt and all. It's proper Italian leather, 20 years old. Not like the shite you'll find on the high street these days."

[Kelvin]

David Dickenson approaches his garden fence and barks aggressively at two young men climbing up a hill with a tiny family video camera.

"That's private land. You can't shoot adverts up there."

A pause. They shrug and walk off, laughing.

Reader, those two men were me and my friend, and this was real life Dickenson Desolation some 10 years ago. 

[dissolute ocelot]

Performing a house clearance for a retired veterinarian, now deceased, David Dickinson finds several vials of 1970s-vintage sheep semen. He rushes about the village inseminating all the ewes he can find. 21 weeks later, a Romney sheep called Molly gives birth to a lamb which is racist and smoking a pipe.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson's New Years party has of course been cancelled this year, but his proposed guest list is worth a look:

Huw Edwards
Wonnacott (because I have to!)
Janet Ellis
Stanley Baxter (don't like him, but he knows the wife)
Roger De Courcey
Kevin McCloud
Michael Grade
Basil Brush

[Mr Farenheit]

For the last month David Dickinson has had almost nightly hauntings from deceased celebrities who he once stiffed on a deal.

"I saw an apparition of Terrence Alexander last night, Ada. He had a face like thunder! He must have twigged that I shafted him on that property deal in 1990!"

David Dickinson can't understand why the ghosts are all crawling out of the woodwork only now, until one night he's looking at whosdead.com and it hits him.

"It's that bugger Bobby Ball! This all started a week after he passed away. I sold him one of Charlie Chaplin's hats in 1994 for six thousand pound. Was it Chaplin's? was it buggery! Cost me two fifty in an Oxfam shop. He must have found out and now he thinks he'll get me back the vindictive little runt! He's gone and tipped off the lot of them up there that David Dickenson's a dodgy dealer!! Some fucking christian!" he explains the next day to Frank Bruno as he passes him outside the post office.

[Glebe]

David Dickenson approaches his garden fence and barks aggressively at two young men climbing up a hill with a tiny family video camera.

"That's private land. You can't shoot adverts up there."

A pause. They shrug and walk off, laughing.

Reader, those two men were me and my friend, and this was real life Dickenson Desolation some 10 years ago.

Recall you mentioning this before, Kelvin. I called up David Dickinson to remind him of incident, and asked him for his thoughts about it now looking back:

"Who is this? How did you get this phone number? People filming around here? When? I'm calling the police! You're fucking for it, pal!"

For the last month David Dickinson has had almost nightly hauntings from deceased celebrities who he once stiffed on a deal.

"I saw an apparition of Terrence Alexander last night, Ada. He had a face like thunder! He must have twigged that I shafted him on that property deal in 1990!"

David Dickinson can't understand why the ghosts are all crawling out of the woodwork only now, until one night he's looking at whosdead.com and it hits him.

"It's that bugger Bobby Ball! This all started a week after he passed away. I sold him one of Charlie Chaplin's hats in 1994 for six thousand pound. Was it Chaplin's? was it buggery! Cost me two fifty in an Oxfam shop. He must have found out and now he thinks he'll get me back the vindictive little runt! He's gone and tipped off the lot of them up there that David Dickenson's a dodgy dealer!! Some fucking christian!" he explains the next day to Frank Bruno as he passes him outside the post office.

"I must root out Joe Pasquale's number and check that he's okay, Ada. I was half asleep last night and I thought I saw him dressed like Jacob Marley, going "David, David, why did you gip me out of 200 bob for that Victorian keetle, wooooo!"

[jenna appleseed]

"Don't be silly David, that was the real Joe Pasquale in a comedy Bob Marley racist rasta dreads wig & jafaken accent, popping round to cheer you up 'cos he's heard you were a bit down about your house &, all those priceless stolen antiquities going up in smoke. Don't you remember?"

[Glebe]

"Are these me lookers or me see-ers I'm wearing, love?" David Dickinson asks Ada Dickinson.

"You have bifocals remember, David."

"Oh yeah. Merry Christmas, love! Here's your Poundstretcher perfume!"

[jenna appleseed]

David Dickinson goes out for his traditional skinflint Christmas dinner from the Chippy and complains the chips aren't cheap enough.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson spends most of Boxing Day peering out the front window through a pair of binoculars.

"David, dinner's ready!"

"Not for me, love! I nearly spied some scamps attempting to trespass, I've got my big stick ready to go in for the kill!"