Author Topic: David Dickenson Deso.  (Read 20294 times)

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #210 on: December 29, 2020, 01:51:23 PM »
"Look at this, Ada! It's that George Foreman Grill we purchased in Denby! Still in it's box!"

"Sigh... another wasted purchase, David Dickinson."

David Dickinson always keeps a fresh bag of Fox's Glacier Mints in the glove compartment of his Volvo. He never eats them, but it's just in case one day he develops a passion for the popular clear sweets.

David Dickinson sticks a 'NO TRESSPASSERS' sign in the field next to his house. A passing police officer takes him up on this.

"Sir, this is public land... the erection of such a sign is a local council matter, and is forbidden by private citizens under law."

"The only erection here is you, y'big cock! You're just a nanny state busybody, pal!"

Night in the cells.

David Dickinson is disappointed to discover this month's copy of The Reader's Digest is not on the doormat this morning. "It's due and all."

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #211 on: December 30, 2020, 02:00:40 PM »
David Dickinson once attempted to have an affair with Lindsey Dawn Mackenzie, but she was put off by the smell of linseed oil.

David Dickinson has a collection of Panorama recordings beginning in 1981 and going on up to 1994. "Never watched it, just wanted to look clever. Look at that shelf, every VHS is 'Panorama' in clean, neat felt tip pen."

David Dickinson carefully wraps two daggers in cloth and makes his way to Eric Knowles house. "I muzz'd plunge both daggers into his flesh on the stroke of midnight, else the ritual will not work!"

David Dickinson once sued Clive James for describing him as "an over-inflated satsuma with the ego of a landslide," in TV Quick.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #212 on: December 30, 2020, 05:23:57 PM »
"Hullo? Hullo! I'm oop the top ae Ben Nevis moontain. Its all cauld an foggy and I've lost ma way!"

"Is that you Mr Dickenson?"

"No no, I'm wee Jockie McDickie an I've nae socks!"

"We've told you about this before, Mr Dickenson. Wasting Mountain Rescue's time is a serious matter."

"Hee hee hee...haaaawahahaha ha ha..... ha..aaaa... ooooh.. that were a classic. Did you hear that Ada love?"

Cuntbeaks

  • Where you fay?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #213 on: December 30, 2020, 06:34:40 PM »
David Dickinson dresses up in his dead mothers clothes and after a few hours of mincing about and barking obscenities at a child effigy of himself, he gives his fartslot an angry dildoing.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #214 on: December 31, 2020, 01:15:13 PM »
David Dickinson calls Ainsley Harriot and asks if could he prepare some nibbles for this evening's New Year get-together. "Because of the covid it'll only be me and Ada and one other - probably Farmer Jenkins - but if you make some nice cocktail sossies or owt and stick 'em in a Tupperware box that'd be great, Ainsley mate. Send 'em by express post, might get here before midnight. Sorry, I know it's last-minute."

David Dickinson pours himself and Ada huge glasses of sherry and the two settle down to watch Jool's Hootenanny. "And don't say how good it is of the musicians to give up their New Year's Eves Ada, the fucker's probably recorded in July!"

David Dickinson's New Year's Resolution is to be "kinder to less-fortunate folk. For instance that beggar man on the high street, he'll get a single, shining pound coin off me instead of a scowl in future. When I'm in good form."

David Dickinson has already scheduled his summer holidays for 2021. "We're going to Lanzarote if I have to hijack a plane, Ada!"

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #215 on: January 01, 2021, 01:51:42 AM »
David Dickinson wakes up on 1st Jan with the worst hangover ever. "Remind me never to mix Sandeman Port and Jägermeister again, Ada!"

David Dickinson takes down his 'No tramps, no beggars, no immigrants, no transgenders, no Irish," sign from the front garden. "It's time for the era of hate to end, Ada." He crosses off everything except 'no immigrants' and puts the sign back up. "Not fond of the Irish, but you've got to get with the times."

David Dickinson glares at himself in the hall mirror for five minutes. "I've never seen such mercurial danger in anyone's eyes, ever," he tells a beer tap handle down The Worrisome Pheasant later. He thought he was addressing the landlord but the landlord went out for a smoke half an hour ago and David is fucking pissed.

David Dickinson climbs to the top of Ben Nevis and screams his lungs out. "I needed that!" he chuckles to himself as he munches a piece of Kendal Mint Cake.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #216 on: January 02, 2021, 02:12:35 AM »
David Dickinson's cure for insomnia? Drinking lighter fluid. "I might have to try summit else though Ada, I don't think it's doing me any good in the long run."

David Dickinson finds a dusty old Ralph McTell cassette whilst cleaning out the garage one Sunday morning. "So how can you tell me you're lo-on-ely... and say for you that the sun don't shine?" he sings to himself with a tear in his eye.

David Dickinson rings John McEnroe and asks him if he fancies mending his shed for a tenner. "I've got Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot working for me, John, you won't be on your own... oh come on mate, you must be skint at this stage!"

David Dickinson 'borrows' a bin truck from the council and drives it to Dover. "I must be having a midlife crisis or owt!" he tells Ada when he gets home that night.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #217 on: January 03, 2021, 12:37:12 PM »
David Dickenson's neighbour Chris Eubank has gone on a hunting safari for two weeks and has asked the Dickensons to take care of his cat Conan-Doyle while he's away.

David Dickenson has copies of the keys made and moves into the house the moment Chris Eubank's taxi leaves for the airport and spends the first day making an inventory of valuable items. "This place is a bloody gold mine!" he tells his twin brother Darren Dickenson on the phone.

Over the next few days he takes the items to the local pawn shop starting with all of Chris Eubank's championship belts. He invests all the money from pawning the valuables into Bitcoin. "I'll be back to take all this off your hands next week," he assures Nazi Dave the pawn shop owner.

After a week the value of Bitcoin has tripled and David Dickenson celebrates by putting on Chris Eubank's shirt (non-monogramed as the monogramed ones have all been pawned) and a pair of his underpants and dancing round the empty house playing 'Old Time Rock and Roll' on his phone, and drinking Chris Eubank's Hennessy cognac.

The next morning David Dickenson wakes up on the floor next to two empty cognac bottles and a pile of his own vomit. "Lucky I pawned the rug he he," he laughs to himself. He looks at his phone and logs into the Bitcoin Billionaire forum only to find the price of Bitcoin has crashed overnight!

"Fuckin ell I don't know what I'm going t'do!" tells his twin brother Darren Dickenson. "Last night I was 900 grand up, now I'm on the bones of me arse!"

"You still have the bitcoin," Darren Dickenson tells him. "How much is it worth now?"

"A damn sight less than I bloody bought if for! And I've nowt else, we've been living on Ada's savings for the last two years!"

"Its still something David, enough to deal with.... You're going to have to deal like a Dickenson's never dealt before!"

"You're right, Darren. You always were the brainy one!"

David Dickenson cleans himself up, has some hair of the dog and logs into the dark web. For the next two days he trades like fury, buying illicit Nazi memorabilia and selling it on before it's been shipped, making a little bit of profit each time. Starting with a crate of 'Pervetin' mephamphetamine, he bargains and deals his way up to being the owner of a functioning V2 rocket. He then trades this for something he knows will be even more valuable for Nazi Dave.

The next morning he enters the pawn shop two minutes ahead of a DHL van bearing a casket with the remains of Hermann Göring inside. "Deal?" he says to Nazi Dave, smiling. "Absolutely!" says Nazi Dave, "and I'll chuck fifty quid on top. Sieg fuckin Heil!".

Chris Eubank is flying back the next morning and all his furniture and valuables are back in place with a couple of hours to spare. David Dickenson is sitting back in a sofa ready to welcome him when he notices that a swastika has been scratched into the side of a Louis XV cabinet. "Fucking ell, Dave. You just couldn't help yerself could you?".

David Dickenson reaches for his phone and makes a call. "Oh Hello, French polishers? It's just possible you could save my life!"

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #218 on: January 03, 2021, 02:33:56 PM »
Eubank sighs and calls the police. "Hello, police, David Dickinson has... actually, it's too confusing to explain. Forget it."

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #219 on: January 04, 2021, 03:53:46 PM »
David Dickinson is looking forward to the start of 'Antiques Season'. "It kicks off every January," he tells C4 news-legend-not-GoT-character Jon Snow. "Every village and bailiwick from Exeter, England to Lanarkshire, Scotland is a-buzz with the curious curio fan!" But Snow shows little interest. "I'm hanging up now David, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has promised to take me out for a pint. You go safe now, mate."

David Dickinson always lets "the Little Woman' do the housework, with one exception. "I iron all my shirts myself," he tells a local reporter on a particularly slow news day, "I make sure they're crisp and neat and ready for any antiques event!"

David Dickinson enjoys an Airwolf DVD boxset binge with a cup of Maxwell House and a box of Family Circle. "Does it get any better than this?" he asks pet poodle Helen.

David Dickinson jams a flyer advertising an anti-immigration demo into new neighbour Giles Coren's letterbox.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #220 on: January 05, 2021, 08:02:02 PM »
David Dickinson once got blind drunk in a London nightclub in the '90s and ended up having a 45-minute conversation about ground frost with Terence Trent D'arby.

David Dickinson once plotted to buy Carlisle and turn it into "the antiques centre of the world".

David Dickinson makes himself a screwdriver at his home cocktail bar and puts his feet up with some James Galway on the stereo. "Can't beat Galway!"

David Dickinson attempts to make a citizen's arrest in the local Asda by telling Brian Conley to "stay where you are and empty out y'pockets, lad!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #221 on: January 06, 2021, 03:49:11 PM »
An astonishing fully intact tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh from the 19th dynasty has just been discovered. Incredibly, David Dickinson is invited to be the first foreigner to enter the tomb as part of a BBC documentary. He goes throught the motions but is ultimately unimpressed.

"Load of rubbish, you'll never beat BRITISH antiques," he tells his cousin Denzel Dickinson on a video call from the hotel bar later that night. "Still, its a nice little pay-day! Anyway got to go, I've still got a half bottle of Kahlua in the room."

The former sun-god Ra overhears this call from the underworld and promptly puts a curse on the Dickinson family.

Later that night David receives a message from Denzel. "David, have you seen the family whatsapp group? Everyone's profile pic has turned into a skull and I cant' get hold of any of 'em. Is this another one of your pranks?"

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #222 on: January 07, 2021, 05:38:53 PM »
David Dickinson is not pleased that Eric Clapton has moved in next door. "He was effin' and jeffin' like mad in the post office yesterday," grumbles Dickinson to wife Ada in the kitchen, "I said, 'lay off, Eric, there's kiddies and women present!'"

David Dickinson is a bit of a conspiracy nut, and regularly details his theories to Rick Wakeman over a glass or two of brandy. "You know what Rick, I reckon the Missing Link mystery is somehow linked to aliens. By the way, don't tell anyone I said that, they'll think I'm crackers."

David Dickinson once swam across the Atlantic and grabbed himself a burger in a diner in New Jersey - before swimming home again! "I'm a man of hidden talents, me!" he tells a fox during a weekend ramble.

David Dickinson thinks President Putin is "rather handsome. Probably got some dodgy politics, I don't know, but I'd give my right testicle to look like that!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #223 on: January 07, 2021, 09:26:26 PM »
Dickinson looks at a silver soup spoon in a Worthing junk shop, gives it a polish with his hankie, but he still can't see his reflection. "Am I even here?" he asks. The shopkeeper does not reply.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #224 on: January 07, 2021, 10:20:45 PM »
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist’s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he’s got a cast-iron alibi. “It were you what possessed me, weren’t it Little Dickin? Heehee!” The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #225 on: January 07, 2021, 10:22:56 PM »
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist’s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he’s got a cast-iron alibi. “It were you what possessed me, weren’t it Little Dickin? Heehee!” The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.

3:00AM. David Dickinson is awoke by a soft ruffling beside the bed. "That you, Ada love?"

No.

It is the dummy.

"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHH!!!"

End theme!

jenna appleseed

  • "F••• you Captain Tom."
    • Blog for a Dennis Wilson (Beach Boys) charity fanzine.
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #226 on: January 07, 2021, 10:39:24 PM »
David Dickinson commissions a Victorian music hall-style ventriloquist%u2019s dummy in his own image and spends the weekend committing a string of murders, safe in the knowledge he%u2019s got a cast-iron alibi. %u201CIt were you what possessed me, weren%u2019t it Little Dickin? Heehee!%u201D The immaculately coiffured mahogany dummy stares at its master unblinkingly.

I've seen that episode of Mrs. Columbo and it doesn't end well.

He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #227 on: January 08, 2021, 08:53:45 AM »
I've seen that episode of Mrs. Columbo and it doesn't end well.

He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.

I'd be well up for an episode of Columbo where Dicko is the murderer. Maybe the coffee's kicking in but I now want that more than anything in life.

jenna appleseed

  • "F••• you Captain Tom."
    • Blog for a Dennis Wilson (Beach Boys) charity fanzine.
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #228 on: January 08, 2021, 06:26:17 PM »
I'd be well up for an episode of Columbo where Dicko is the murderer. Maybe the coffee's kicking in but I now want that more than anything in life.

It wasn't proper Columbo though, it was a bit rubbish bonus episode of Janeway from Voyager pretending to be Columbo's Wife, doing boring 'comedy' housewife stuff between the plot bits (tragic misunderstood schizophrenic nice to sick kiddies & nuns ventriloquist murderer was kinda like an extra creepy Richard Carpenter, almost as if they were sending him up.).

A proper 70s style Columbo with Dickinson playing a version of of himself, like the Johnny Cash one, would have been aces.

jenna appleseed

  • "F••• you Captain Tom."
    • Blog for a Dennis Wilson (Beach Boys) charity fanzine.
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #229 on: January 08, 2021, 06:27:44 PM »
He tried cutting the dummy's  throat so it couldn't squeal on him, but Mrs. Columbo got it to talk.

That sound I made it up but it's genuinely part of the plot, one of the dummies got buried 'alive' too.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #230 on: January 08, 2021, 09:32:41 PM »
David Dickinson's local constituency is a rotten borough, and so every time a local election takes place, David uses his Machiavellian ways to ensure a Conservative minister is elected. "Been this way since time forgotten and we're not changing now!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #231 on: January 09, 2021, 01:37:07 PM »
David Dickinson takes a correspondence course in telekinesis with mixed results. He is unable to move antiques but he can change the channel on his TV using only the power of his mind.

David Dickenson sends out an email blast "to the whole clan" to organise a Gathering of The Dickinsons. "Probably going to ask us all for money again," snorts his uncle Dougie Dickinson, as he reads the message out to his wife.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #232 on: January 10, 2021, 08:03:51 PM »
John Challis blanks David Dickinson in the local Morrisons. "BOYCIE WAS ALWAYS ME LEAST FAVOURITE OF THE FOOLS AND HORSES GANG!" Dickinson yells after him.

Ada Dickinson's laptop is on the blink, and she is delighted when her hubby actually allows her to use his to order the shopping for once. This is only because David Dickinson has figured out how to clear history.

David Dickinson buys a horse and names it Clara. It's as simple as that.

David Dickinson has just put his feet up to watch Gardner's World when Ada pops her head in the living room door and asks him to fix that light switch in the loft that's needed repairing for months. "Bloody woman, don't know why I married her," grumbles Dickinson as he puts his cuppa down and goes up to "mend the fucking thing".

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #233 on: January 11, 2021, 03:18:37 AM »
"What are you watching, David love?"

"Oh it's one of them Star Wars movies, Ada. Total bobbins. Computer graphics and robots and jedis and other such nonsense."

But David Dickinson is clearly enjoying himself as she places his cuppa down, and she observes that he remains entranced during occasional peeks over her copy Woman's Way.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #234 on: January 12, 2021, 12:12:03 AM »
David Dickinson Googles 'hot french tarts' the minute his wife pops out to Asda.

David Dickinson always keeps a bottle of Maalox in his car's glove compartment, "should an emergency arise during negotiations and sales and such."

David Dickinson buys a yacht off Jeff Lynne during a chat in a local restaurant and orders champagne to celebrate. "Here's to many happy hours of sailing, Dave!" toasts Lynne. "Don't give me that old pony, Jeff, easiest five grand you've ever earned," snaps Dickinson. "And it's 'David', not 'Dave', to you, son!"

David Dickinson sends a fan letter to Nigel Mansell, telling him "You are my hero, sir, if only more of Britain's youth had the strength and courage you so obviously possess!"

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #235 on: January 14, 2021, 05:43:49 AM »
David Dickinson goes for a pint with Bernie Clifton, but Dickinson gets into a bit of a bate and tears Clifton's spleen out and boots it over the road.

During a phone chat with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, David Dickinson describes his drinks cabinet as "roughly the size of a small elephant or rhino".

David Dickinson pretends he is going bird watching again, but really he's the peeping Tom the town have been trying to discover the identity of. "Come on love, leave those curtains open!" salivates Dickinson up a tree.

David Dickinson's dream is to make all the endangered animals of the world extinct and make them into a collection of finery.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #236 on: January 14, 2021, 07:42:50 AM »
David Dickinson finds a human ear in his garden. He just throws it over the fence, doesn't call the police or anything.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #237 on: January 15, 2021, 02:38:14 AM »

David Dickinson pretends he is going bird watching again, but really he's the peeping Tom the town have been trying to discover the identity of. "Come on love, leave those curtains open!" salivates Dickinson up a tree.


David Dickinson commissioned his tailor to make a suit of bark especially for his peeping activities. "Its got acorns for buttons," he tells James Ellroy in an International Peepers Club zoom call. "I've got a full wrap-around head mask made of bark an all. It just has one eye hole to increase the camouflagery, I call it The Cyclops."

James Ellroy nods approvingly. "You see guys, what did I tell ya? This Brit's got stones." But there's no one else on the call. Or in the International Peepers Club.

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #238 on: January 15, 2021, 03:20:56 AM »
^Heh!

David Dickinson is doing his morning routine. "Have y'seen me comb, Ada? I look like the wreck of the bloody Hesperus! I didn't swear!"

David Dickinson prepares a nice Bourneville cocoa and puts his feet up with Sky Sports. "Ahhh. It's afternoon's like these make life worth living for, Fredrick!" he tells his pet parrot.

David Dickinson orders a pair of monographed slippers online. "They'll have 'DD' on 'em, Ada. You put in your initials and the online people do the job. It's magic, the Internet is!"

David Dickinson pops into the betting shop while Ada is in getting her nails done. "Fifty both ways on 'Wild Hoof', George. Hurry up, the missus will be out in a minute!"

Glebe

  • It's a fanny old mafia game, innit?
Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #239 on: January 16, 2021, 07:51:32 AM »
David Dickinson describes Steve Davis as "the cunt of all cunts" to Todd Carty during a round of golf in Cheshire. "But don't tell him I said that, Todd. You're on your word."

David Dickinson attempts to make his own Angel Delight using cream and strawberry Nesquik but fails miserably.

David Dickinson steals a penny farthing from the local museum and sells it for £200 to Mark King of Level 42.

David Dickinson deliberately has his back garden fence enlarged so as to block out his neighbour's light. When the neighbour complains, Dickinson tells him to "go swivel on a dildo, you ugly fucking twat."

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