David Dickenson Deso.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson rings Michael Palin to tell him "I love y'travels shows, but not y'comedy nor y'politics, mate."

David Dickinson puts the coal scuttle up for auction, but withdraws it when he begins to feel pangs of guilt. "Ada loves that thing."

David Dickinson is up till 4AM Googling images of sideboards. "I know Ada, it's become a problem."

David Dickinson catches and kills a goose for supper. "I'm going back to nature, me! Got a cloth, Ada, I'm fucking splattered with blood!"

[Captain Z]

David Dickinson is up till 4AM Googling images of sideboards. "I know Ada, it's become a problem."

Superb.

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickinson snaps up a couple of CD singles at a car boot sale. No Limits by 2 Unlimited and Breathe by The Prodigy. "You have to get with the times, Ada."

Much to Ada's annoyance the CDs are soon on heavy rotation in the Dickinson household with David loudly singing along. "No no no no no no no no Theres No REFUNDS. He he he thats what I'll say if we open the shop again Ada. No Refunds. Did you hear that Ada? No Refunds."

"Hold on, hold on Ada... here it comes, this is my favourite bit. Wait.... wait..... YOURE THE VICTIM!!"

later that night, David whispers to Ada...."Ada love, are you awake?"
"David? What time is it?"
"Ada.."
"What is it?"
"YOU'RE THE VICTIM!!!!"
"unbelievable"
"Hahaha its that new song I like! Hehehe oooooh god I'm funny. YOURE THE VICTIM!"

[Glebe]

Superb.

Cheers Cap Z!

David Dickinson snaps up a couple of CD singles at a car boot sale. No Limits by 2 Unlimited and Breathe by The Prodigy. "You have to get with the times, Ada."

"Shite, I forgot to grab the Zombie Nation single! Never mind I'll pick it up next week, a cheap-as-chips bargain at 50p!"

David Dickinson invites Warwick Davis round for tea. "As long as we follow the covid guidelines we should be fine, Warwick. I'll pop a cushion on a chair for you. Just out of interest, do you wear child-sized masks?"

David Dickinson emails Giles Brandreth asking about any antiques he might have. "I'll evaluate each item and give you my honest opinion, Giles. Then I'll sell the good 'uns on for you. Won't gyp you mate, scout's honour. Scout's honour."

David Dickinson fashions a St. George flag out of a pair of Ada's old bloomers, drawing the cross on with a pink felt tip pen. "We'll wave that out the chimney should the zombie apocalypse happen, Ada. Any day now. Any day now."

David Dickinson builds his own time machine out of an old church organ and some bagpipes. "It durn't work but you can't fault me for fucking trying," he tells Michael Portillo during a Zoom chat.

[Glebe]

The Woeful Dolphin is the venue for David Dickinson's '60s night. He will be on DJ duties, dressed as Sgt. Pepper era Lennon and promises "the raffle to end all raffles!"

David Dickinson crosses Bill Wyman off his soiree invitation list. "He only drinks Bass and I don't know where you can get that anymore, Ada. I mean there's a crate of Guinness under the sink, but he'd probably roll his eyes and moan about the lack of Bass all evening. So fuck 'im."

David Dickinson divorces Ada and marries a local spinster because she has what appears to be a genuine Chippendale cabinet in her loft. But it turns out to be a cheap reproduction so he splits from the spinster and remarries Ada. "Sorry about all that, love!"

You can't fault David Dickinson for trying! He's been on one of those things where you have to lift a prize up with a little crane in the local shopping mall for the last two hours but no luck!

[Mr Farenheit]

The Woeful Dolphin is the venue for David Dickinson's '60s night. He will be on DJ duties, dressed as Sgt. Pepper era Lennon and promises "the raffle to end all raffles!"

David's cousin Desmond Dickinson wins the raffle of course but no-one is any the wiser and the plan goes off without a hitch.

"It wouldnt be a 60s night without me party piece," announces David later in the night before putting on a flaming helmet and spinning The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Disturbed by the heat, a family of starlings suddenly evacuates David's hair where they have been living for the past 3 months.

The Woeful Dolphin is rocking and the night is a huge success. At one point a local biker gang, who had volunteered to provide 'security', murders one of the pub-goers. But David quickly puts the party back on track by playing 'Yellow Submarine' and getting a good old singalong going.

[Glebe]

"It wouldnt be a 60s night without me party piece," announces David later in the night before putting on a flaming helmet and spinning The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Disturbed by the heat, a family of starlings suddenly evacuates David's hair where they have been living for the past 3 months.

V. Good!

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is preparing a surprise romantic dinner for Ada for their anniversary. "Candle on the table, Simple Red's 'Stars' ready to go on the stereo.... Tesco Ready Meals should be done any minute!"

David Dickinson finds a fiver outside a charity shop. "Feel guilty not donating it, but fuck it, finder's keeper, gonna buy a jazz mag!"

David Dickinson jams a bound-and-tied Simon Bates into the back of his Volvo and drives him to a wooded area nearby. He shoots Bates in the back of the head and buries him beneath an oak tree. Bates begged for an explanation before Dickinson pulled the trigger, but Dickinson remained stony-faced.

David Dickinson is actually a secret agent and has been working for MI5 since the 1960's.

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickinson is actually a secret agent and has been working for MI5 since the 1960's.

David Dickinson is actually a double agent. He went undercover in East Berlin in 1987 but was recruited by a young Vladimir Putin with a promise of a rummage in the Kremlin attics.

The promise never materialised and David thought he had avoided his obligations with the end of the cold war. Until last week when an unfamiliar number called his phone as he was enjoying a casual business drink in the 'Forsaken Mallard'.

"Fascinating story Ainsley mate, fascinating... just give me a minute will you?, got a call from the old 'ball and chain'," he winks.

"Speak," he answers impatiently from the taxi (he's already skipped and left his friend with the bill).

"Mahogany Owl, this is Vladivostok Fox. Operation Leopard has been activated."

"You what mate? I've no idea what yer sellin but I can tell you fer nowt I'm not interes-   ............ oh fuck."

"Yes"

"I knew this day would come... Send me the coordinates," he sighs.

One week later and David is in the belfry of Westminster cathedral with a high velocity sniper rifle and a cyanide capsule. "This better be fucking worth it," he mutters to himself and the followers of his live Facebook stream.

[Glebe]

Three weeks later, David Dickinson is strolling around London when he is suddenly waylaid by two burly men who stick a sack over his head and throw him into the back of a Mercedes with tinted windows. After a long drive, he is bundled out onto a airfield and tossed into a light aircraft. The next thing he knows the plane is landing, and he is ushered out onto Russian soil. The sack is removed and he is greeted by nonother than President Putin himself!

"Comrade Dickinson, you have done well. Please accept this small, not-very-valuable music box as a token of our appreciation."

[Glebe]

"Joe, come over 'ere!"

"What is it, Mr. Dickinson?"

"You can call me David son, we've discussed this before... anyway, could you please settle an argument? Ainsley reckons that hedge looks even, whereas I say he's done bad job. What d'yah reckon?"

"Looks alright to me Mr.- I mean, David."

"Hmmm. Alright. Carry on."

"Oh I meant to ask you... when are we getting that 50p pay rise you promised us, Dave?"

"Er, I'll discuss it later. And I don't like 'Dave', it's too familiar, Ainsley. Now back to work, you two!"

"Yes, David!" Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot say in unison.

[Glebe]

"I'll tell you something I've changed my mind about Mick," David Dickinson tells neighbour Mick Hucknall over the garden fence, "marmalade. Couldn't even look at a marmalade jar as a child, now I can't get enough of the stuff!"

"That's interesting, David," Hucknell reacts, vaguely.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson forms a political party called Silent Majority. "Our main goal is to stop wind farms," he tells a Daily Star journalist. "Oh, bit of trivia for you, it was originally called 'The Silent Majority Party' but Piers Morgan suggested that shorting it would be more 'hip'. Cheers, mate!"

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickinson designs and models his own unique 'Antiques Fashion' style of clothes at international fashion shows.

A reporter from Fashion TV asks him to describe his latest ensemble.

"Well, glad you asked me mate. I'm wearing a 19th century chinoiserie cabinet with glued on Edward VIII coronation 'breast plates' worn over a Tudor doublet (fifteenth century that!) and chevroned pin stripe trousers- "model's own" of course! On me feet I've wearing a pair of early 19th century Staffordshire Toby Jugs, which are surprisinlgy comfy! I always say fashion is nowt wi'out accessories and for those I'm wearing something a bit more recent: strings of gold necklaces draped over me wrists which Mr. T sold to yours truly when he fell on hard times in 1997. On the end of 'em I've put something for the kiddies- a 1977 Atari 2600 and a 1980 mint condition Tauntaun toy from the Star Wars."

[Glebe]

"Well, glad you asked me mate."

"I'm a woman!"

"Y'fooled me love, crikey!"

[Mr Farenheit]

"Joe, come over 'ere!"

"What is it, Mr. Dickinson?"

"You can call me David son, we've discussed this before... anyway, could you please settle an argument? Ainsley reckons that hedge looks even, whereas I say he's done bad job. What d'yah reckon?"

"Looks alright to me Mr.- I mean, David."

"Hmmm. Alright. Carry on."

"Oh I meant to ask you... when are we getting that 50p pay rise you promised us, Dave?"

"Er, I'll discuss it later. And I don't like 'Dave', it's too familiar, Ainsley. Now back to work, you two!"

"Yes, David!" Joe Swash and Ainsley Harriot say in unison.

Under pressure from his family, Joe Swash moves to another village two hours drive away. He immediately starts sleeping better, putting on weight again and playing with- instead of shouting at- his children.

A couple of months later he receives a phone call from an unknown number.

"Joe mate, how av you been? Listen son, I've a job for you. Me neighbour on the left Mick Hucknall's going on holiday so I need a strong lad like you to move the fence over a couple of feet into his land."

"Er.... I'm not sure Mr Dickinson"

"David, lad. You can call me David."

"Its just that my wife-"

"Come on," David interrupts. "I dont want to leave Ainsley to do it on his own, he'll make a rotten job of it. I need a man like you son, to make sure its done proper."

"I dont know Mr Dickin-, I mean David. Its two bus trips to get there and what about that 50p raise..."

"Not out of the question, son. Not out of the question. Let's start at 5p and then we'll see where we go from there. But dont breathe a word to Ainsley."

"....Ok"

"Good lad. Ill see you here tomorrow at 7. Dont be late or I'll have your guts for garters."

[Glebe]

"Good lad. Ill see you here tomorrow at 7. Dont be late or I'll have your guts for garters."

Swash arrives at 6:45 just to be on the safe side. A sleepy David Dickinson peers out of the bedroom window.

"Got y'text, good lad turning up early," he calls down. "Ainsley will be here at ten, never gets here till ten, the lazy bugger. The list of chores is pinned to the shed there. Oh, Bobby Davro will be joining you today too. I'll be down to see how you're getting on about one-ish."

[Glebe]

"Howdy, Dazzler!"

"Ha ha, let's just keep it 'Davro', David!"

David Dickinson chuckles humourlessly. "Don't like that, then?" Alright mate, I'll drop it. Where's Joe, by the way?"

"Swashy's washing his hands in the kitchen, apparently your wife is preparing some lunch for us."

"Ada always was a bit soft... Ainsley finished cleaning out the stables yet?"

"Not yet, David. Look, about that 5p pay ri-"

"-AH TA TA TA, BOBBY! It's only your first month, let's not be hasty!"

[Pink Gregory]

Dickinson's Meal Deal

[Mr Farenheit]

"You finished mucking out yet Ainslie?"

"Just about David, a bit more to go."

"Well stop yapping and get cracking son. Go on."

"Yes David.... er David, I was wondering.. theres no horse living here. So who's making all the ---"

David glares furiously at Ainslie, rooting him to the spot.

"Oh"

[Glebe]

"Do we have to say grace first, Mrs. Dickinson?"

"No no, tuck in Joe!"

"Mmmm. This is lovely, Mrs. D!"

"Aye Ainsley, me wife makes a smashing shepherd's pie!"

"Wall's Viennetta for afters, boys!"

"That's me favourite!"

"Calm down Bobby, lad. Any more peas, Ada love?"

[jenna appleseed]

^ thread accidentally invents a euphoria spin off.

[Glebe]

"Ainsley, have you got the hedge-trimmer?"

"There you go, Bobby. Any sign of Swashy?"

"JOE! Oh here he is."

"Hiya lads. Gonna knock off for the day. Dane said he can finish mending that woodwork bench on his own."

Dane Bowers suddenly emerges from the shed.

"Anyone got a smoke - oh hold up, here's His Nibs!"

"Alright lads," croaks David Dickinson, "how are y'getting on?"

"We'll have that garden weeded by Friday David," pipes up Ainsley, "but I'm afraid I'll be away at the weekend so those new seedlings will have to wait."

"No problem Ainsley, I've got H from Steps and somebody from S Club 7 coming on board. They're cheap as chips!"

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickinson's neighbour Mick Hucknall has had his return from holidays delayed by that there Covid pandemic.

David calls a meeting at next morning's roll call. "This is a golden oppurtunity boys so let's not waste it. Ainsley, I want you and Joe to take up his patio, he's got nice limestone pavers that'd look smashing outside my kitchen. H, dig up his vegetable garden- what Ada doesn't cook we'll sell for a pretty penny at the market. And make sure you get the topsoil an' all. Bobby, I need you to dig up some er animal remains from my garden and move em to his. Make sure you take the teeth and the han- the paws, smash em to pieces and burn em."

"What'll I do, David?" asks Andi Peters enthusiastically.

"You round up the S Club gang. I need the lead taken off his roof and lets move the fence again. I want an extra 3 feet of his land."

"Only 3 feet, David?" queries Andi. "Why not take 6 or 7, and then we could loop round that big conker tree at the bottom of the garden."

David considers this for a moment. "That's a bobby dazzling idea son! I like yer initiative.... Andi is it? Great idea. Y'hear that? You lazy lot could learn a thing or two from this lad."

Andi Peters skips off to find the S Club members as Ainsley, Bobby and Joe Swash glower at him resentfully.

[Glebe]

Hucknall arrives home from his super-spreader vacation to find some police officers waiting for him.

"Mr. Mick Hucknall?"

"Yes... what is it, Officer?"

"I am arresting you on suspicion of murder. Anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you."

Hucknall is handcuffed and placed in the back of the police car. David Dickinson peers out excitedly from the safety of his living room window.

"They've found the skeleton!"

"What's that, David?"

"Oh ah nothing, Ada love. Has Schofield finished the pond yet?"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson lays spurious claim to having performed "some" of the ba ba ba's in the Mind Your Language theme.

[Glebe]

Not only has David Dickinson gifted the lads a £2 pay rise, he's even let them finish early this rainy Saturday afternoon and join him for a few cans and a bit of telly.

"What are you lot watching?" smiles Ada, popping her head into the lounge.

"Some superheroes thing called Age of Voltron, Ada love."

"It's Age of Ultron, Dave," corrects Joe Swash.

"I couldn't give tuppence what it's called - and don't ever call me 'Dave' again, Joe, you've been warned!"

There are several seconds of uncomfortable silence before Dickinson speaks again, this time in a much calmer tone.

"I'm sorry Joe, lad. Bit of a prob with the ol' temper sometimes. 'nother Tesco beer?"

[Mr Farenheit]

The afternoon wears on and on as more Tesco lagers are consumed. Videos of Dickenson's Guest Hour are on the telly with a running commentary from David.

"David, I'd better be getting off soon."

"Nonsense Bobby! There's plenty more beers and we still have another four episodes... after that we can put on What The Dickinson. Oh look, its Michael Aspel on the couch.. Ainsley, press pause will you, there's a funny story about this..."

Bobby Davro catches Ainsleys eye and frantically nods his head towards the clock and then the door. Ainsley just shakes his head glumly.

The interminable anecdotes continue and before the boys know its almost 8pm. David cuts short a story about 'backstabbing' within the Antiques Roadshow 'cabal' and stands up. "Just be a minute lads, need to open the floodgates, hehe."

Bobby whispers frantically to the gang. "Come on, this is our chance. Let's scarper!" The lads drunkenly tip toe out the house and out through David's front garden where they break into a run. Giddy with the Tesco beer, fresh air and the thrill of their escape the lads are all giggling and talking at once.

"Oh my god, I thought he was never going to shut up!"

"What do you mean? He's still in there telling stories about Bargain Hunt!"

"Oh lord, I'm gonna pee my pants, hey! where's H?"

"I didn't see him come out? Did you?"

"Oh no, he's not still in there is he?"

Just then, H appears carrying a crate of Tesco beers, a tub of Cadbury's Heroes and a bottle of Cutty Sark whisky! "I snuck back into his larder then escaped through the back garden, I almost fell in the fishpond!" he exclaims.

"H, you bloody legend! Come on boys, let's go down the park and polish this lot off!"

The boys all bound down to the park, chanting the riff from Seven Nation Army as they go.

[buttgammon]

David Dickinson winds up a holding company that "never really got going."

[Glebe]

Ada Dickinson kills her husband and disposes of him by mashing him into marmalade which she sells at the local village fete. Nobody is any the wiser.