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March 28, 2024, 10:16:52 PM

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David Dickenson Deso.

Started by Glebe, October 05, 2020, 12:11:42 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

"David! There's somebody in the mantrap!"

"Well done Swashy... let's have a look... it's Matt Baker! We'll get him sorted and get him to work!"

Glebe

Swashy and Davro are doing a bit of weeding one afternoon when they hear something of a kerfuffle going on near the back of the house. Looking up, they see David approaching holding onto a battering-looking man who has his hands tied behind his back.

"Please... NO!"

"Oh shut up, Bryan! Look at this lads, a prize catch! Bryan Ferry will be helping you dig out the stables later, won't you, Bryan?"

"You can't do this! The police will-"

"The local police have been payed off, Bryan. Furthermore, I've got those, shall we say, 'compromising' polaroids of you. Now get to work. There's a good lad. Swashy and Bobby will show you the ropes. Ada will do you some tea and scones later if you're a good boy. I'll leave you with the lads."

"Pant... are you prisoners too?!"

"No," answers Bobby, "he pays us wages. Slave wages, mind you, but it's better than what I was earning on the variety circuit."

"Come on," chirps Swashy cheerfully, "I'll get you some TCP for those cuts. 'More Than This' is a belter, by the way."

Glebe

Nick Ross is walking home from the post office when he suddenly gets the eerie sensation that he is being watched. He shrugs his shoulders and continues on.

"Psst... get the chloroform ready Bobby, I think we have you and Swash a new co-worker!"

"Thank fuck Mr. Dickinson I thought we'd be hiding in this bush forever!"

"You can call me David, Bobby, I told you before."

Mr Farenheit

Nick Ross is successfully captured but is nowhere to be seen the next morning when the boys arrive to find the shed door ripped off its hinges.

"He's escaped David!"

"Not another one! Bobby you were supposed to be guarding him!"

"You said no overtime David. We don't get paid for nights so I just went to sleep in the stables."

"I should charge you rent for that," scoffs David. "Check the moat, he won't have got far in his condition. Swashy, look for his tracks!"

After an hour of searching the boys find one shoe, some ripped trouser fabric and a medal of St.Crimian, the patron saint of nightmares, at the barbed wire property enclosure- but no sign of Ross.

The next day black and white flyers can be found on lamposts and under windscreen wipers around the village.

LOST!
Have you seen these people?
A pretty penny in reward money is available
in return for information on the whereabouts of

Nick Ross
Gregg Wallace
Rob Curling
Ada Dickinson

Call 42-22-234 and ask for Bobby

Glebe

"I thought Ada had come back David?"

"No Bobby. I think she's left me for good. But there's a reward for her return none the less. DEAD OR ALIVE."

Glebe

David joins the lads for a rendition of The Travelling Wilbury's 'End of the Line' as they weed the garden. Even Bryan Ferry is smiling, and he's not even on a wage.

Glebe

Ada finally comes home and agrees to renew the marriage vows.

"Sniff... I've missed you so much, Ada!"

"Me too David, but why is Bryan Ferry operating a Flymo on our lawn?"

"Never mind that Ada, remember you said you'd always love to see a wild elephant in it's natural habitat?"

"Yes... why?"

"Well get our old safari jackets out of storage... as soon as the pandemic ends, we're going to do just that!"

"Oh David... we'll rekindle our romance in the sands!"

A tear forms in David's eye as Toto's 'Africa' beings to play out of nowhere.

Mr Farenheit

David is on his best behaviour with Ada after her return.

He begrudgingly allows Bryan Ferry into the house to allow Ada to spend two hours removing a splinter from his finger. He even allows him to remain when he insists on thanking Ada with an a capella rendition of In Every Dream Home a Heartache but is not best pleased to Ada's flustered and red faced reaction to the debonnaire crooner, especially as he's shirtless.

Next morning at roll call David harangues the boys.

"Now you know I like to keep things casual but its about time we had a dress-code. As from today I dont want to see any of you lot going without a shirt. Cover yer selves up!"

"But David," protests Swash "you instructed us to all work topless when Greg was here. You said his physique should shame us into putting more effort in and we should all be looking like him inside 3 months."

David brushes away the complaints and the lads get back to work on chipping boulders into perfectly rounded pebbles for a zen garden. Work progresses well but David is disturbed to see Ada giggling when she brings Bryan Ferry a glass of Fanta later in the afternoon.

Dress code is updated the next morning. "No going topless and NO white tuxedos!"

Glebe

"Ada, I don't like the way you've been ogling Bryan! I want a divorce!"

Bryan pops his head in the window and begins to croon:

"You know you made a vow, to never leave one another... come on, come on, stick together!"

"You keep y'nose out of it, Bryan!"

"Now if you're stuck for a while, consider your child... how can it be happy without its ma and pa, stick together!"

"David Jnr. has long flown the nest! Now back to work, Bryan!"

Glebe

"Y'know Swashy before Ada came back I was actually contemplating giving Ainsley a ring and asking him if he'd like to quit his new job and come back in the role of my temporary 'wife'. I'd bought the wig and all."

"You don't have to tell me all your dark thoughts, David."

Glebe

The latest issue of Heat features an exclusive snap of Bryan digging in David's garden, with the caption, 'Oh how the mighty have fallen'.

Glebe

"There you go Bryan, y'first wage packet! Y'must be chuffed to be on the payroll now!"

"Yes David, but I have to say, I thought you'd give me 'More Than This'!"

"Y'fired, mate. Y'fired."

Glebe

"AINSLEY! YOU'VE RETURNED!"

"Hiya David! Alright Bobby, Swashy... no way, is that Bryan Ferry?"

"It is indeed Ainsley, nice to meet you!"

"I've got all your records! Anyway David, I come bearing gifts. Here you go... Joe Dolce, the Go Compere guy and Michael Bolton!"

"Fuck me, Bolton's a real catch, well done Ainsley! Once the multi-millionaire mullet, now he'll work for less than minimum wage!"

Glebe

David finds an out of date Twix down the side of the sofa. Bit stale, but "very passable otherwise, Ada."

Glebe

"Here David, what happened to H from Steps?" Swashy asks David.

"Here I am!" chirps H from Steps from behind a hedge. "I was digging a drainage trench when I fell asleep from exhaustion."

"Back to work, no slacking!"

"Yes David, right away David."

Glebe

"In lieu of payment this week H from Steps, I'm gifting you my Best of ABBA CD."

"Er, I'd prefer the payment to be honest David."

"Fucking bet you would mate but beggars can't be choosers."

Glebe

"Bobby, could you come in for a minute please? I'm trying to set this fucking DVR to record the cricket."

"Swashy might be a better choice David, being younger he'd prolly understand it better."

"Where is he?"

"Oh yeah I forget he, H from Steps and Bryan Ferry made a break for it this morning."

"Fuck. Better release the hounds."

Mr Farenheit

H from Steps is recaptured and interrogated by David.

"I don't understand, H from Steps. Why did you want to leave?"

"There's a Steps reunion concert in London, David."

"Why didn't you say? You should go!"

"Really? You don't mind?"

"No problemo! But I want a taste," says David scratching the head of one of his dobermans.

"... of course. How much?"

"Let's split it down the middle- you get day off, the catering and the run around on stage and I'll take the fee."

"Er...."

(growl)

"Sounds fair."

"Good lad, now can you give me back that ABBA CD?"

"Give it back? but you gave it to me"

"LENT it to you, son. LENT IT!" smiles David.

Mr Farenheit

David Dickinson has just bought a 1981 original Pac-Man arcade machine which he hopes to sell to Dominik Diamond at a 200% mark-up.

"He'll snap it up, he's thick as mince," David crows on a cold call to Richard Bacon.

"Sorry, who did you say you were?" asks Bacon before being interrupted. "What's he doing back there?....AINSLEY! put your back into it! we'll never grind enough flour at the rate you're going!"

David marches through the back door to admonish Ainsley but instead of entering the back garden he finds himself in his front hall.

"Ains- eh? That's odd," he says to himself and continues through the house. He's about to try and exit the back door again when he notices the phone he's left hanging.

"Bacon, y'still there? Long story short, I've got a job for you here. Cash wages, big money. Get Peter Duncan down here an' all."

Glebe

"Peter's earning a steady wage David."

"Give over Bacon, he's done nowt of import since sticking his hand in that tree in Flash Gordon!"

Mr Farenheit

"Peter Duncan speaking, Spare me the madness"

"Still dining out on that are y'mate? Thought as much"

"What?"

"Sorry, thought I was on mute. Listen, this is David Dickinson. I need someone to help wi' some quarrying, all by hand and at night because its in me neighbour's land. Now, the pay's not much to start and first month is unpaid induction but-"

"I'll take it!"

Glebe

"Peter, you're nice and early!"

"Yes David, and I've brought Mark Curry with me!"

"Hello David, I hear you've got some work going!"




Glebe

"David, Janet Eliis is at the gate!"

"Tell her I've got no work available today, Swash!"

"No she wants the ABBA CD she lent you back!"

"Oh fuck I forgot about that!"

Glebe

During a break from sweeping the patio, H from Steps gets a chance to chat with David.

"Tell you what David, you'll have half the presenters of Blue Peter working for you by the end of the month if this keeps up!"

"Ha, indeed H... Peter Purves would be the jewel in the crown, but I'd feel bad making him do backbreaking work for little pay at his age!"

Glebe

"Psst, Bobby... we're organising a breakout tonight!"

"What about the searchlights, Bryan?"

"Peter and Mark will take care of that. Their years as Blue Peters presenters mean they're handy with anything!"

Glebe

"Ada, have y'seen me Werthers? Rich and creamy and ungommonly good!"

Glebe

Bryan, Joe and Bobby go 'over the wire' that night, and stop for a breather in a bushy clearing.

"Pant... excellent work all, looks like we've made it to freedom! Oh hi H from Steps, didn't think you'd come along too!"

H from Steps pulls out a pistol.

"Not so fast... Stop right there."

Suddenly, David emerges from a tree behind him.

"Good work, H from Steps... there'll be a promotion in this for you, y'little traitor!"

Glebe

Joe, Bobby and Bryan spend six weeks in 'The Hole'. They emerge broken men, and will never again defy David. Meanwhile, H from Steps is promoted to Lieutenant.

Glebe

Davro makes a break for it one day but is shot down by H from Steps.

"Nice one H, up there in your sentry tower," smiles David to himself.

Mr Farenheit

Meanwhile on the other side of the property, the Blue Peter faction are running their own camp within a camp. Its a no-go zone after dark for H and his goons.Curry and Bacon run a ruthless 'press gang' forcibly recruiting cast members from the TV series 'Press Gang'.

Simon Groom is rumoured to be running everything from inside a cave near the south boundary although no-one has ever seen him and he's not on the payroll.

"How does this all end, David?" asks an exasperated Ada.

"This ends, love, with me living in your big house and dancing a sailors hornpipe on your husband's grave."

"Ooh, I like the sound of that," coos Ada.

"Whats that love?"

"Nothing David," says Ada to David who has heard nothing of Simon Groom's telepathic message.