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March 28, 2024, 04:34:53 PM

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David Dickenson Deso.

Started by Glebe, October 05, 2020, 12:11:42 PM

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Glebe

Ada has a clandestine meeting with Groom behind the shed that night.

"We don't have long Simon my love... I heard your telepathic message!"

"What?! That weren't me, Ada! I don't hold with this telepathic nonsense!"

"So who was it, then!"

Mark Curry steps out from behind a rake.

"'ello,  Ada love! Let's elope together!"

But Ada has already returned to the warmth of her single bed.

Glebe

H from Steps is working late in the garden one night when he notices the door of the big corrugated shed is ajar, misty vapour appearing to issue from within. Looking over both shoulders, he nips over and takes a peek inside.

The contents of the shed prove rather alarming; there before H from Steps stunned eyeballs sit numerous large plant pods. H from Steps is suddenly aware of a presence behind him.

"Oh dear, I seem to have left the door open."

"DAVID! Bloody heck, you scared the life out of me... whatever ARE they?"

"They are the future of this planet," explains David, starring vacantly through H from Steps, "when they hatch they will take over and eventually replace humanity. Do not resist it, H. Do not resist it."

Glebe

"Y'know what Peter Duncan I've bagged a lot of you lot from Blue Peter... maybe it's time to move on to something else?"

"How about the Press Gang cast, David?"

"Hmmm, I dunno... Dexter Fletcher's a film director now... but maybe Julia Sawalha is hard up... think she'd do landscape gardening for 50p an hour?"

"It's worth a shot David!"

"Didn't ask you, Mark Curry!"

"Sorry mate. I'll water the hyacinths."

Glebe

David introduces Marti Pellow to the rest of the crew. Pellow is scruffy and is carrying all his belongings in a Tesco bag.

"Show him the ropes, H. He'll need a shower first, the former Wet Wet Wet frontman fucking stinks!"

Glebe

"You know what, David?"

"What's that, Swashy?"

"You should try and bag Alan Titchmarsh! With his gardening expertise he'd be a real boon!"

Suddenly, a familiar Yorkshire voice pipes up behind them.

"David, these blooming weeds are a nightmare!"

David smiles smugly at Swash. "Way ahead of yah, Swashy. Way ahead of yah."

Glebe

"Phew, finished doing the landscaping David, quite the task!"

"Good stuff Alan, you can take a five minute break! Oh by the way, never told you how much of a fan of y'show I was, what a theme tune!"


Glebe

"Who are the new acquisitions, David?"

"Couple of comedy writers/actors, Bobby. Back to work, mate. Back to work."

Mr Farenheit

Its a beautiful sunny day and the gang are all toiling away in the garden with pick axes breaking rocks into embankment gravel-sized pieces which David is going to sell to Network Rail.

Nigel Havers transistor radio is tuned to radio two and 'Chain Gang' by Sam Cooke comes on. This is a Dickinson Labour Camp classic and the boys (and Julia Sawalha) all perk up and time their swings with the 'tink' sound effect. Bobby Davro does the baritone 'Dont you know' line to cheers and chuckles.

"What a perfect day, Ada. Look at them all working away like clockwork w'smiles on their faces," beams David from the propertys garret window.

"Thats Sam Cooke isn't it, David?"

"Yes, Ada! Y'can't beat the golden oldies!"

"Remember when the FBI wanted to question you about his mysterious death?" laughs Ada.

Davids mood immediately drakens. " That was never proved, Ada. NEVER PROVED!"

Glebe

"Good to see you lot 'whistling while y'work', Havers!"

"It's back-breaking toil for shite pay, but the radio helps us along, David! Here what are YOU smiling about?!"

"Heh... eh? Oh sorry Nidge, was just thinking of something funny... this bloke I knew, he looked exactly like Bagpuss, and I mean exactly!"

Glebe

David is relaxing with a cuppa when he here's a tap on the door.

"David? You in there?" calls Peter Purves.

"What is is, Purves?"

"It's Chesney Hawkes, David. He was helping Mickey Rourke with the rockery when he just fell apart. I don't think the lad is up this, David."

"He'll develop a skin," replies David, coldly. "Is there anything else?"

"Well to be honest David, I think you're pushing me a bit too hard... I'm 82 years old, according to Wiki!"

Glebe

Peter Duncan bribes H from Steps with some Juicy Fruit, and discovers that the secret controls for the main gate are located in the study of Dickinson Manor. The Blue Peter lot put their skills into action one night and disable the alarm system, with Duncan bravely volunteering to sneak in.

Duncan's legendary stealth and cunning stand him in good stead, and he makes it into the study. Just as he is opening the false drinks cabinet that conceals the hidden switch, he hears a noise from the corner of the room... turning around, he sees a shadowy figure sitting behind the study desk... the lamp switch clicks... it's David!

"Bravo, Mr. Duncan... you're made it this far. But I'm afraid your espionage days are over and it is time for you to die!"

Just as David is aiming his pistol at Duncan, the main light comes on and Ada walks in.

"DAVID, ARE YOU IN HERE?"

"Oh great Ada, cheers! My big Blofeld moment and you fucking ruin it! Thanks a bunch!"

Glebe

"Morning, Havers!"

"Oh good morning, David. Oh by the way... heard a rumour that Meatloaf is looking to buy Hucknall House!"

"Oh is he now? Well he needn't think he can roll 'n' roll all night in OUR neck of the woods!"

"Sigh... y'know if I hadn't of been so reckless I could be buying that house now myself... I have royal connections, you know!"

"Y'shouldn't have gone into the acting game, Havers. Y'should have gotten a proper job as befits somebody of your background. I mean face it mate, y'no Jeremy Irons!"

Glebe

"David, there's a bit of a commotion in the garden!"

"Oh no, not another 'yard fight', Ada!"

"No David, they're clapping and cheering!"

"I'd best investigate further... you stay here, Ada!"

David ventures out beyond the patio, and as he gets closer to the kerfuffle he realizes that there is a figure dancing atop the shed: it is H from Steps. The rest of David's workforce have gathered around to cheer him on. After watching for a few minutes, David is swept up with the rest of the crowd.

"Dance, little H! Dance as you've never danced before!"

Glebe

"David, with shops reopening, I was thinking of applying for a retail job. Just giving you the heads up."

"Fine, H from Steps! I'm sure you're itching to move on. All you have to do is find a way over the electrified fence and you're home and dry! Don't forget the CCTV and the hounds, btw."

There is a long pause.

"You know what David, I think I'll leave it."

"Good lad. Knew you'd see sense. Oh by the way I'm docking your wages for a month for insubordination."

Mr Farenheit

David and Ada are having a 'video date night'. As usual the Tom Hanks movie 'Big' gets yet another airing. The VHS tape is almost worn out but it remains a firm favourite in the Dickinson household and David and Ada can recite almost all the lines verbatim.

"Y'know what, Ada?" says David during one of the advert breaks, "I'd LOVE one of those giant pianos!"

"Why don't you get one? You've earned it. We could put it in your new 'man-barn' that the Blue Peter crew built."

Two weeks later, the new giant piano keys are installed in David's Man-Barn. An excited David immediately starts stepping out some classic tunes...

Unfortunately, he doesn't have a musical bone in his body and the results are pitiful. Sniggers can be heard from the open window. Bobby and Joe Swash duck out of sight just in time as David turns to see who's lauging.

Undeterred, David spends the next few weeks practising with the aid of youtube tutorials. After a month he can barely play the notes of 'three blind mice' in the right order.

Ainsley clandestinely records some of the sessions on his phone and splices the footage with clips of JK Simmons saying "Not my tempo" from the movie Whiplash. The hilarious vid is a big hit on the 'Dickinson's Gulag' whatsapp group.

One night David is woken up by the sound of music and cheering coming from the east side of the property....or to be precise: The Man-Barn! Using the light of his phone, he sneaks up to the building in his dressing gown and peers through the window.

Inside the whole gang are having a late night rave up, old feuds between Blue Peter and Press Gang members forgotten. Bottles of Grant's Whisky are open, along with Pringles, After Eights, Cremola foam and other goodies David recognises as coming from Ada's pantry. Everyone is mingling, sharing jokes and then suddenly applause and cheers break out.

From a corner of the barn Brian Ferry and H from Steps appear wearing white tuxedos. They make their way to the piano floor and play a note-perfect version of Nut Rocker by B Bumble and the Stingers!

The barn is jumping but David trudges away without saying anything. The next morning he places a call to the dormitory and asks for H from Steps.

"Morning David!" chirps H

"Y'know the man-barn?"

"Yes of course!"

"Burn it down"






Glebe

"But David, the Man-Barn is all we have!"

"Burn it down. I'm docking all your wages for six months. Food will be rationed. No more comfy pillows!"

A howl of despair is heard in the background. Ferry has been listening in.

Glebe

David organized an orgy in the garden at midnight. Five minutes in, H from Steps pipes up.

"David, wont Ada hear us?"

"Nah mate, I drugged 'er. Go on, keep pumpin' away."

Glebe

In 2005, David commissioned the late Tony Hart to paint a portrait of him in a hunting scene. The finished piece hangs over the fireplace. "Hart was a lovely man, and he had a great imagination. I wasn't really riding a horse with a pack of dogs, I was just straddling the back of the sofa."

Glebe

"What are you lot looking so miserable about? Come on - everybody dance now!"

David produces an old tape recorder and hits PLAY, C+C Music Factory's 1990 hit 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now') sounding compressed and distorted as it blasts out of the single boxy speaker. David dances awkwardly for about 20 seconds before switching it off.

"Thought that's cheer you up but fuck it. Back to work y'miserable sods!"

Glebe

"Can ah join yeh, lads?"

"Oh, of course, David!"

"Thanks Swashy... oof, me knees ain't what they used to be! Yeah... It's nice out here, isn't it, Bobby?"

"Yes, David. By the way, these ham and cheese sambos are lovely - you must thank Ada for me!"

"Heh heh, will do Bobby!"

"Right, we'd better get back to work!"

"No no H, relax, there's plenty of time!"

The lads finish their lunch and enjoy the sun. The silence is finally broken by David.

"Y'know, I was really angry when Peak Practice ended. Actually considered writing to ITV but Ada talked me down."

Glebe

The 'For Sale' sign comes down outside Hucknall House, as Neil and Christine Hamilton move in.

"Look at 'em! Lord and Lady Muck!" grumbles David, peering over the fence with H from Steps. "Never mind... they'll be bankrupt in no time, and I'll have them cutting the lawn for less than minimum wage."

"If it's good enough for me it should be good enough for them, David!"

"Pipe down, H!"

Glebe

Bryan Ferry spots a gap in the fence.

"Bobby, come on! Let's make a break for it!"

The lads are barely twenty seconds into the brush when the hear aloud 'BOING!' David comes sailing overhead with a pair of large springs attached to his feet.

"You'll never make it lads, turn back!"

The pair see sense and agree to go back just as David lands beside them.

"I've got a camouflaged Lisa Stansfield on sniper duty up a nearby oak. It's lucky you heeded my warnings. No go home. No supper to tonight, mind. That'll teach the pair of yeh!"

Glebe

There's been another break out (The Reynolds Girls this time), so David deploys his patented spring shoes. However, he overshoots and ends up heading skyward.

"ADAAAAaaaaa!!!"

"I'LL SEE SHE'S WELL DONE BY DAVID!" screams H from Steps at the sky.

Glebe

Three days later and still no sign of David. Ada has a pair of binoculars trained on the clouds, in case he's "still in orbit". Meanwhile, H from Steps has composed an elegy for David.

"He was a fine man and a fair boss, quick to anger but quicker to laughter, fond of good ale, song and company. He was my North, my South, my East, my West, my working week an' m'Sunday best-"

"-Oh shut up, H!"

"Sorry, Ada."

Glebe

There is a knock at the door.

"Shall I open it, Ada?"

"Yes please Bobby."

"David! You're alive!"

"Yes, Bobby... just! Oh Ada, I've missed you!"

"David, my love, I was so worried!"

Suddenly Bryan Ferry starts to snigger. "Heh, this is like Fools and Horses!"

"How so Bryan!"

"Heh... well you flew off into the sky with your springy shoes... bet you did loop the loop over Dymchurch! Oh wait that wouldn't work you didn't have wings like Del Boy!"

Both David and Ada are too confused by this outburst to be offended.

Glebe

"Guys, let me introduce you to Sandi Toksvig!"

"But David, what is she doing here?! She's one of the hosts on Bake Off!"

"That's as may be Davro, but they pay her a mere pittance! My fiver a day will supplement her income, and I'll even drive her to the Beeb on her filming days if she gives me a small contribution towards petrol!"

Mr Farenheit

Brian Ferry knocks on David and Ada's back door later that night.

"Come in Brian, sit down! Cup of tea? Or maybe a glass of port!"

"Thanks Ada, but I won't be staying long"

"Oh-"

"David, I'm speaking for all of the men in barrack huts Georgian, Victorian and Regency."

"Heh! 'Men' is it?"

"David we don't think it's fair that Sandi Toksvig is making a fiver a day." Brian says firmly. "That's a small fortune and she's rubbish! It took her all day to rake up the grass cuttings in front of the house, Swashy would have done it in 20 minutes!"

"A fiver a day? My my! Who told you she was making that?"

"~ but... you told us you wer- WHUUUUT?!"

Brian is astonished to see David suddenly give a flick of his wrist as his arm transforms into an elongated spring and reaches out through the open kitchen window.

Four or five seconds later David's spring arm retracts back through the window. In his hand he's holding a white envelope marked 'Toksvig'. He opens it, pulls out the bank note inside and hands it to an open mouthed Brian Ferry.

"Wow, a FIVER!" exclaims Brian as David scrunches up the empty envelope and throws it on the fire.

"She's on a fiver for her first day, after that its pennies in the double digits same as the rest of you! Funny thing though.... I think she forgot to collect her wage today," winks David. "The gates are open until 11.30pm, grab yer mates and paint the town red!"

Brian Ferry bounds out of the door excitedly. A few moments later he reappears at the threshold panting. "Thanks David!"

"Heh! Go on, enjoy yerselves!" David says as Brian sprints back out to collect his pals.

"You spoil them, David."

"I know, I'm soft as shite.... Anyway, we've the place to ourselves again! Fancy watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off?"



 

Glebe

Realising she's been duped into slave labour, Toksvig makes a break for it.

"GO GO GADGET ARMS!"

"Damn you David, I was almost at the fence!"

"You should be thanking me for saving y'life love, that thing's electrified!"

Mr Farenheit

The gutters of David's house have been overflowing with foul smelling water each time there's a heavy rain recently. David stands with Bobby Davro examining a large puddle caused by the deluge.

"Smells rank, David"

"It does that, Bobby! What's the taste like?" says David.

Bobby is about to resist but his eyes are suddenly caught by two simulataneous flashes of light from David- one from his newly whitened gnashers, and one from a sprakling fifty pence piece David is twiddling between his fingers. Bobby gets on his knees and dips the tip of his tongue into the foul smelling water.

"EEUUURGGH! Its tastes worse than it smells! Where's it from David?"

"Its the gutter overflowing, Bobby. Must be something stuck in it."

Bobby's face turns white.

"Wouldn't know anything about that would yeh, Bobby?"

"N-n-n-no, David"

"Let's have a look..... GO GO ANTIQUE-GADGET PERISCOPE!"

Suddenly a brass and leather lined periscope pokes up out of David's nest of hair and extends all the way to the top of the five storey edifice.

"Bloomin' eck! It's the decomposing corpse of Mark 'The Mack' Morrison! Heh! I'd forgotten about him, good worker if I remember rightly.... Bobby, you're white as a sheet, what's up with you? You wouldn't know anything about how the Mack ended up on me roof would yer?"

"(gulp) uh- uh....."

David flips the 50p in the air, catches it and slams it on to the back of his other hand.

He fixes Bobby to the spot with a menacing stare. "What's the most you've ever lost in a coin toss?" he growls.

"OK David, I'll confess! The Mack said he was going to 'Return' to life outside. He knew he didn't stand a chance with the fence so he was going to scale up the roof and signal to his entourage to bust him out. We all thought he'd made it but he must have got stuck up there.... and (gulp) starved to death"

"NO-ONE escapes Bobby, remember that! NO-ONE!" thunders David triumphantly. Then in a moment, the mercurial antiques expert's mood changes as he flashes a smile and tosses the 50p to a dumbstruck Bobby

"Now go and grab the grappling hooks from the shed, scale up there and clean up that mess."






Glebe

While Bobby busies himself with The Mack, David pops into the kitchen and gets on his phone.

"Hello, Gabrielle? It's David. I'm fine love, thanks. Listen, you wouldn't be on for doing a few odd jobs during the week, would you? Only one of my groundskeepers... er, left. Fiver a day, cash in hand! No? I can't persuade you, then? Alright, Gabs. Bye. Bye."

"I'm putting the kettle on love, fancy a cup?"

"No thanks Ada... too busy trying to get a replacement for Morrison!"

"Why don't you try Billy Idol? He hasn't had a hit in awhile!"

"That's a smashing idea Ada! I've got his number here, oh wait a minute just need to put in the country code for the US...  hello, Billy? Fancy coming back to Blighty to do a bit of garden work? I'll make t worth your while? Fandabidozi! See you soon, mate!"