Author Topic: David Dickenson Deso.  (Read 2878 times)

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #60 on: October 12, 2020, 10:55:38 AM »
David Dickinson loves telling blue jokes to his mates down the pub. "Have you heard the one about the female presenter and the assistant director? Oh wait better not, that's based on a real incident I think."

David Dickinson has every issue of Homes & Gardens published thus far. "They'll never go on eBay, I've promised them to my children. In lieu of a share of my substantial cash fortune. That's going to an anti-immigration charity of my choice."

David Dickinson is having trouble with a vending machine in his local baths. "Bloody modern technology! All I want is a single Cadbury's Snack, but this blooming things eaten a fiver in change already!"

David Dickinson's favourite dinner is "anything cod" in the Birds Eye range.

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #61 on: October 12, 2020, 12:32:11 PM »
David Dickinson provocatively plants a yew tree in his front garden.

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #62 on: October 12, 2020, 01:15:48 PM »
News - David Dickinson to appear on Celebrity Cumswap

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #63 on: October 13, 2020, 03:51:20 AM »
David Dickinson gets his nephew to Photoshop his orange head onto a muscley man. "Absolutely hilarious!"

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #64 on: October 13, 2020, 08:16:33 AM »
David Dickinson executes a garden centre shop girl with a spade for calling him "Mr Dickson" one too many times

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #65 on: October 13, 2020, 11:09:04 AM »
"Hello and welcome to Antiques Roadshow, with me, Fiona Bruce. We're here in sunny Droitwich, and what a day it is! Now over to Eric Knowles, who's got an interesting find!"

"I'm here with George from Worcester. Now George, what we've got here is a lovely old Rupert the Bear teddy, and-"

"Can ah jus' stop y'there, Eric," it's David Dickinson, "because that is obviously quite a valuable find, and I mus' offer my advice to George. Now George, if you choose to sell this, I would recommend going to an independent evaluator, and-"

"David, what are you doing? You're not part of the AR team! You're not even on telly anymore!"

"Oh give over, Eric, I'm an expert! Oh here comes Musses Bruce herself!"

"David, please leave the set. There's rumour about that we're going to be cancelled, and having you gatecrash proceedings is not going to help!"

"Oh sod off, Fiona. Ah fuck it, I'll leave. You lot are no fun anymore! TAXI!"

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #66 on: October 14, 2020, 10:26:32 AM »
David Dickinson calls Flog It! presenter Paul Martin "a closet puff!" by way of a joke. Martin takes it in good humour, but bespectacled Welsh expert Mark Stacey reprimands Dickinson at a coffee shop later.

In 1990, David Dickinson and Paul Daniels engaged in a heated debate outside Stringfellows on Saturday night. Dickinson eventually calmed down when Daniels gave him his expensive old watch as a peace offering. However, as soon as Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee were in their taxi, the watch simply vanished - and that's magic!

batwings

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #67 on: October 14, 2020, 11:29:39 AM »
After Darren Grimes badly twists an ankle on the ladder to David Dickinson's loft,  he decides to do all subsequent episodes of his new podcast, Fash In The Attic, from his garage and just lie about it.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #68 on: October 14, 2020, 11:41:35 AM »
David Dickinson gives Joe Swash a fiver to wash his Roller. "He's fucking desperate since his star went on the wane," Dickinson tells his wife as he watches Swash through the kitchen window. "Mind you, I've got off the boil meself in recent years. Still, I will never stoop to washing a car for a fiver."

David Dickinson pops down the shops for a Racing Post and a takeaway coffee.

The Groucho Club, 2004. "Once again, we're being slave-driven like darkies by the director, David!" Tim Wonnacott tells David Dickinson. "You're at it again, Tim! Go on, have another drink, and mind y'language, Lenny Henry's just come in!"

David Dickinson's stamp collection has been valued at £2000.

batwings

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #69 on: October 14, 2020, 12:17:14 PM »
David Dickinson harangues all the people leaving Sainsburys. “They died so you could shop as free people, you ungrateful sods! The least you could do is wear a blooming poppy!” He bellows. Eventually he is moved on. As he plods towards his Triumph Stag his phone is already buzzing. His ranting is going viral. On the drive home he suddenly realises its April. Oh, you fool. Not again

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #70 on: October 14, 2020, 06:57:01 PM »
"Shake my hand! Oh wait no the covid."

David Dickinson.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #71 on: October 15, 2020, 01:43:35 PM »
David Dickinson's hide is made of something like cheese rind, and has a sell-by date of 1/1/2004.

David Dickinson's idea of paradise? "Enjoying a plate of cream eclairs whilst watching a hunt take place in the Cotswolds. Simply magic."

David Dickinson's favourite film is The French Lieutenant's Woman. "Saw it when it fist came out in Piccadilly Circus with my good friend Chris de Burgh. Streep and Irons attempt to out-act each other throughout, and the cinematography is smashing. Afterwards, meself and Chris went for a pint and I'm not ashamed to say I cried at the bar remembering the scenes we had just witnessed."

David Dickinson nearly kills a flock of sheep in his Land Rover. "They wouldn't fucking move, don't make me feel guilty," he tells the wife.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #72 on: October 15, 2020, 08:45:35 PM »
David Dickinson sacrifices a toad atop a nearby escarpment at midnight. "That's another ten fucking years of life for me!"

David Dickinson pisses in a butcher's doorway at 2AM. "I'm halfway between the pub and home and I can't hold on," he explains to some passing Mormons.

David Dickinson takes legal action against new neighbour Nigel Kennedy over a bush that is "encroaching on my driveway".

David Dickinson stands atop his local town hall and sings 'Rule Britannia' at the top of his asbestos lungs.

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #73 on: October 15, 2020, 09:54:45 PM »
David Dickinson's skin isn't that colour from the tanning salon, it's from the 60,000 Dunhill he stashed in 1978 that he's been puffing away at ever since.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #74 on: October 15, 2020, 10:02:50 PM »
David Dickinson interrupts a couple enjoying a drink in the pub. "If I can just step in here, because that ring your lady friend is wearing looks very valuable. I would suggest getting it evaluted by a jewelry expert, which I can arrange for. Or you can take the £1.49 I'm offering you for it now, it's your choice."

batwings

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #75 on: October 15, 2020, 10:05:34 PM »
David Dickinson does an emergency poo in a lay by, using the pages of a samurai sword catalogue as ad hoc loo paper.

David Dickinson has a dream about Mary Berry baking shortbread in just an apron and heels in his kitchen. He awakens, alone, and lays still for a while, hugging a pillow,  one eye closed, the other watching a daddy long legs flit around on the ceiling.

touchingcloth

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #76 on: October 15, 2020, 10:52:12 PM »
David Dickenson turns out to be just a manifestation of collective insanity. Psychologists do their most groundbreaking work since the days of Freud, but the main thing is this: David never existed.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #77 on: October 16, 2020, 10:21:41 AM »
David Dickinson calls unleaded petrol "the new age fad".

David Dickinson and his wife invite Jilly Cooper over for afternoon tea in the garden. "Can't make it loves, I'm very busy this afternoon, soz!" Dickinson shakes his head as his wife puts the phone down. "You know she's sitting in front of Jeremy Kyle with a can of cider, don't you? Don't be so naïve, Ada!"

David Dickinson goes fishing in Stockport with Nick Owen. "I'll tell you what Nick, even the tiddlers ain't biting today!"

David Dickinson reads all of The Mail on Sunday - even the cartoons supplement - in one marathon, three-hour session in the kitchen.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #78 on: October 16, 2020, 12:57:45 PM »
David Dickinson attempts to sell an Atari Jaguar at Sothebys.

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #79 on: October 16, 2020, 12:59:36 PM »
David Dickinson eats a monkey in a restaurant in Azerbaijan.

Just bingeing this thread over lunch and and almost spat my Walkers Roast Chicken out at this.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #80 on: October 16, 2020, 01:02:42 PM »
Just bingeing this thread over lunch and and almost spat my Walkers Roast Chicken out at this.

Heh! Thanks poo!

David Dickinson has a fetish for Dyson vacuum cleaners. "Er, I'm just off to the shopping centre, love! Won't be long!" Ada Dickinson is suspicious. "Again, David? That's the third time this week! Just don't bring back another hoover!" "Can't promise anything love! Can't promise anything!"

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #81 on: October 16, 2020, 02:11:50 PM »
On his way back from a long session at the Queen's Arms, David Dickinson pushes his soiled underwear into his neighbour's car exhaust. "Let your dog bark at night, will you?" he mutters before collapsing into a rhododendron.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #82 on: October 16, 2020, 04:50:59 PM »
David Dickinson does an emergency poo in a lay by, using the pages of a samurai sword catalogue as ad hoc loo paper.

Tremendous effort.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #83 on: October 16, 2020, 05:37:23 PM »
David Dickinson is chatting with his mates about old TV programmes down the pub. "I always fucking hated that Rentaghost," opines David Dickinson. "They were all woofters, them lot."

David Dickinson and Jim Davidson eye each other hatefully across a traffic lane. There's a history there. There's a history there.

David Dickinson once refused Floella Benjamin a seat at his table in the BBC canteen. "Not because, y'know, bigotry, but because she has terrible manners."

David Dickinson finally admits that President Trump is bad for the US. "I like his style, but he's a losing horse now."

Cuellar

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #84 on: October 16, 2020, 08:05:43 PM »
David Dickinson roars with laughter at rotary club fuckraffle.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #85 on: October 16, 2020, 08:11:55 PM »
David Dickinson's favourite animal is the pangolin. "They're funny little fellows, I kinda relate to them!"

That's not really deso. Okay then, he is sexually attracted to pangolins or summit.

David Dickinson gets the wife to scrub the latest graffiti off the front wall. "Little bastards... David 'Dickheadson', talk about unoriginal. I got that all the time at ITV."

batwings

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #86 on: October 16, 2020, 08:29:54 PM »
Bruce Forsyth calls David Dickinson a “Cuprinol cunt” via a Ouija board.

pancreas

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #87 on: October 17, 2020, 12:06:24 AM »
David Dickinson attempts to sell an Atari Jaguar at Sothebys.

+1

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #88 on: October 17, 2020, 12:34:11 PM »
David Dickinson has a bit of juicy goss to share with the post office queue. "Come 'ere you lot, I just saw that bloke who played the puff German in 'Allo, 'Allo! getting out of a Land Rover beside Starbucks! With me and Bonnie Langford already living here, it's going to be like Los Angles if he moves local!"

David Dickinson can't wait for the next local residents' GM, when he will try to discern who's dog muck has been fouling his garden.

A scruffy looking man in an anorak calls at David Dickinson's door. "Hello, we're trying to get enough people together to stop them bulldozing through a local protected forest. We can stop them if we all band together!" David Dickinson's face looks stony, sour. "Not if I can help it, mate." Slams door in face.

"Tally ho!" David Dickinson enjoys watching a fox being ripped to shreds of a Friday. "That's another load of chickens saved!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #89 on: October 17, 2020, 01:39:47 PM »
David Dickinson runs out of toilet paper and spends ten grand on one of William Hartnell’s Doctor Who wigs at auction to use as a washable substitute.

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