Author Topic: David Dickenson Deso.  (Read 2569 times)

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #90 on: October 17, 2020, 01:41:14 PM »
David Dickinson runs out of toilet paper and spends ten grand on one of William Hartnell’s Doctor Who wigs at auction to use as a washable substitute.

"You've got to show 'em your not short of cash!" David Dickinson tells his wife as he disposes of the shitty wig in the full glare of the media.

Pingers

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #91 on: October 17, 2020, 04:14:01 PM »
'Lorne Spicer'

'Helloo Lorne, it's David!'

'David who?'

'Heh, David Dickinson of course, you little joker'

'What is it, David?'

'Well now, Ada is off an a spa weekend - in Buxton, imagine! - and so I've made up the bed at the top of the house and thought you might want to come over, because I feel like a bit of Gash in the Att..'

'Fuck off David. Do this again and I'm calling the police"


Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #92 on: October 18, 2020, 11:34:19 AM »
"I'll only eat Planter's Peanuts," David Dickinson explains to a barman, "If it's not Planter's I ain't interested. KP can swivel!"

David Dickinson goes on anti-depressants because his garden roses aren't blooming. "I don't even suffer from clinical depression, but I just need a pick-me-up after the roses calamity!"

David Dickinson lends Kevin McCloud a fiver during a trip to Margate. "But I want that back Kevin, with interest if it's not paid within six weeks!"

David Dickinson takes a walk around Bournemouth, stopping to look out to sea and consider the meaning of it all. "Sigh. Why are we here? What's it all about?" he asks himself. Then he buys a 99 cone and has a cheeky wank behind a bus shelter.

batwings

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #93 on: October 18, 2020, 01:16:19 PM »

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #94 on: October 18, 2020, 01:46:44 PM »
^Fantastics, Bats!

David Dickinson believes that when he eventually passes on, his spirit will "haunt the nooks and crannies of Britain's many and wonderous auction rooms, from Land's End to John o' Groats!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #95 on: October 18, 2020, 10:13:10 PM »

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #96 on: October 19, 2020, 01:28:50 AM »
David Dickinson has a particular hatred of Arlene Phillips. "I just cannot stand that woman," he crows. "She's a liar, a cheat and a feminist."

David Dickinson's favourite 'alternative' comedian is Joe Pasquale.

David Dickinson describes Frank Bruno as having "the mind of a child".

David Dickinson decides to lay off the All Bran for awhile. "One of these days I'll do meself a mischief - and probably at the most inconvenient moment! By which I mean I could cack meself at an auction."

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #97 on: October 19, 2020, 04:21:43 PM »
David Dickinson gets "a little bit tiddly" and shags a barmaid behind the pub bins, "for a small fee. She insisted she keep her eyes closed too. Wife was all embarrassed about it... again!" *rolls eyes*

David Dickinson polishes off an entire packet of Tesco custard creams during a Homes Under the Hammer binge.

David Dickinson's favourite beer is Carling Black Label. "It has a smooth finish that 'snooty' brands such as Kroonenberg cannot match."

David Dickinson splashes out on a jacuzzi for the patio. "We'll have a naughty 'naked' night in there, just the wife and I, John!" he tells his mate John over a pint. "Although you and Felicity are perfectly welcome to join in... if you're up for it?"

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #98 on: October 20, 2020, 01:15:04 PM »
David Dickinson gets his new assistant to help him carry the body of a man who refused to sell him a rare and valuable clock into the woods. "It's not all wine and roses in the antiques trade, young Jim! Now pass me that hacksaw. Then go and get the shovel."

David Dickinson forms a flute trio called The Piper's Three. "We do Wednesday and Friday nights in The Expectant Badger, always a good crowd and I buy a round on the house if anyone asks for 'The Sound of Silence'!"

David Dickinson looks disdainfully at a group of goth metallers hanging around outside a late night bar. "We could do without their sort ruining the area, selling drugs and being weird!"

David Dickinson is in good form, as the wife has packed a Crunchie in his lunch box.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #99 on: October 21, 2020, 11:59:18 AM »
"Martin, Wonnacott, Knowles, Stacey... none of 'em can hold a candle to me, mate. None of 'em," David Dickinson tells an empty wine bottle.

David Dickinson has never forgiven "the Argies" for attempting to reclaim the Falklands. "The absolute cheek, to try and steal Her Majesties land... you rouse the British Bulldog, it bites, mate. It bites!"

David Dickinson has no problem buying "sweat shop clothing. You're giving 'em money, so why feel guilty? They might not see a penny of it but that's not my problem. Let the dusty countries sort themselves out."

David Dickinson has a temper tantrum because his wife has finished off the last of the Kia Ora. "I'm sorry love, but you know I don't drink owt else from the fridge. Milk in tea, yes, but never straight!"

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #100 on: October 21, 2020, 06:28:04 PM »
David Dickinson shaves the moustache he has been trying out when everyone starts mistaking him for a jaundiced Bob Carolgees.

David Dickinson is so excited about Opal Fruits making a comeback that he rings up his local wholesaler and pre-orders a gross there and then. His joy dissipates slightly when he learns it is only a 'limited edition' thing. "Back to reality, I guess," he sighs. "Fucking Starburst!"

David Dickinson rings Charles Dance and ask him and his wife over for dinner. 'Cant makk it filming a new gam of thrones', Dance texts back. "The lying get," Dickinson rages, "that fucking sword and sorcery nonsense is finished, innit?"

David Dickinson pops into Aldi and buys two cans of hairspray. "Cheap as chips, and just as good as the expensive brands!" he chirps to his wife in the car.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #101 on: October 21, 2020, 06:30:32 PM »
DD buys a “flying” carpet from eBay and can’t wait for it to arrive!

”Up above the trees and houses...” he hums as he eagerly watches the letterbox.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #102 on: October 22, 2020, 02:13:26 PM »
David Dickinson describes a broken old fortune watch as "absolute bobbins".

David Dickinson invites Kirsty Allsopp to lunch at a local cafe, to "discuss some kind of project or other. We'll go Dutch Kirsty, just don't mention it to my wife or she'll think we're having affair! Do you want to have an affair with me, by the way? Please?! I'm begging you!"

David Dickinson buys an expensive Suzuki motorbike, but it just sits in the garage gathering dust. "I'll get lessons eventually... not that I'm nervous about riding it! In the meantime, I'll practice the 'biker' look with me new leather jacket!" Ada Dickinson just smiles kindly and let's her husband get on with his late-life crisis.

David Dickinson auctions off all load of saucy seaside postcards Ronnie Barker gave him in the '80s. "The proceeds will go towards the coal fuel generator I've been pestering the council to build. That'll put the wind up young Thunberg and that global warming lot!"

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #103 on: October 22, 2020, 08:56:24 PM »
David Dickinson's head falls off, for absolutely no reason.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #104 on: October 24, 2020, 05:07:29 PM »
"Ada, Ada, come quick, come quick!"

Mrs. Dickinson runs out to the garden in a state of panic. "What is it, David?"

"Look love, it's a magpie! That's good luck!"

"No David, two magpie's is good luck... you know, 'One for sorrow, two for joy...'"

"Oh shit. Shit. Can't see a second nearby."

David Dickinson decides to just stamp the bird to bits.

****

David Dickinson argues that the British antiques industry has "come on in leaps and bounds" in regard to social progress over the years. "There was a time in the '70s were we didn't accept women, let alone the fuzzie-wuzzies!"

David Dickinson describes Nigella Lawson as "mutton dressed as lamb. A badly cooked lamb that she did herself, overrated."

David Dickinson invites disgraced '90s celebrity MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine to dinner. "It's a special occasion," he explains to his wife, "So break out the Colman's, Ada!"

David Dickinson once asked Carol Beer for her hand in marriage. When she refused he made sure her career would go down the pan.

Glebe

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Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #105 on: Yesterday at 03:15:15 PM »
David Dickinson gets a visit from Tom Allen. "Hi David, just wanted to let you know I've bought the house next door. Will be moving in soon, ciao for now!"

"Yeah, see you later... y'smarmy twat."

LATER:

"Who was that at the door this afternoon, David?"

"Oh, that was that bald comedy-presenter guy off that Bake Off or summit, he's moving in next door apparently. Snappy dresser, but what an absolute cunt."

Re: David Dickenson Deso.
« Reply #106 on: Yesterday at 05:01:39 PM »
David Dickinson after a busy day's filming takes off his Handsome Head for a bit of a breather.


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