David Dickenson Deso.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson runs out of toilet paper and spends ten grand on one of William Hartnell's Doctor Who wigs at auction to use as a washable substitute.

"You've got to show 'em your not short of cash!" David Dickinson tells his wife as he disposes of the shitty wig in the full glare of the media.

[Pingers]

'Lorne Spicer'

'Helloo Lorne, it's David!'

'David who?'

'Heh, David Dickinson of course, you little joker'

'What is it, David?'

'Well now, Ada is off an a spa weekend - in Buxton, imagine! - and so I've made up the bed at the top of the house and thought you might want to come over, because I feel like a bit of Gash in the Att..'

'Fuck off David. Do this again and I'm calling the police"

[Glebe]

"I'll only eat Planter's Peanuts," David Dickinson explains to a barman, "If it's not Planter's I ain't interested. KP can swivel!"

David Dickinson goes on anti-depressants because his garden roses aren't blooming. "I don't even suffer from clinical depression, but I just need a pick-me-up after the roses calamity!"

David Dickinson lends Kevin McCloud a fiver during a trip to Margate. "But I want that back Kevin, with interest if it's not paid within six weeks!"

David Dickinson takes a walk around Bournemouth, stopping to look out to sea and consider the meaning of it all. "Sigh. Why are we here? What's it all about?" he asks himself. Then he buys a 99 cone and has a cheeky wank behind a bus shelter.

[batwings]

[Glebe]

^Fantastics, Bats!

David Dickinson believes that when he eventually passes on, his spirit will "haunt the nooks and crannies of Britain's many and wonderous auction rooms, from Land's End to John o' Groats!"

[poo]

laughed

[Glebe]

David Dickinson has a particular hatred of Arlene Phillips. "I just cannot stand that woman," he crows. "She's a liar, a cheat and a feminist."

David Dickinson's favourite 'alternative' comedian is Joe Pasquale.

David Dickinson describes Frank Bruno as having "the mind of a child".

David Dickinson decides to lay off the All Bran for awhile. "One of these days I'll do meself a mischief - and probably at the most inconvenient moment! By which I mean I could cack meself at an auction."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson gets "a little bit tiddly" and shags a barmaid behind the pub bins, "for a small fee. She insisted she keep her eyes closed too. Wife was all embarrassed about it... again!" *rolls eyes*

David Dickinson polishes off an entire packet of Tesco custard creams during a Homes Under the Hammer binge.

David Dickinson's favourite beer is Carling Black Label. "It has a smooth finish that 'snooty' brands such as Kroonenberg cannot match."

David Dickinson splashes out on a jacuzzi for the patio. "We'll have a naughty 'naked' night in there, just the wife and I, John!" he tells his mate John over a pint. "Although you and Felicity are perfectly welcome to join in... if you're up for it?"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson gets his new assistant to help him carry the body of a man who refused to sell him a rare and valuable clock into the woods. "It's not all wine and roses in the antiques trade, young Jim! Now pass me that hacksaw. Then go and get the shovel."

David Dickinson forms a flute trio called The Piper's Three. "We do Wednesday and Friday nights in The Expectant Badger, always a good crowd and I buy a round on the house if anyone asks for 'The Sound of Silence'!"

David Dickinson looks disdainfully at a group of goth metallers hanging around outside a late night bar. "We could do without their sort ruining the area, selling drugs and being weird!"

David Dickinson is in good form, as the wife has packed a Crunchie in his lunch box.

[Glebe]

"Martin, Wonnacott, Knowles, Stacey... none of 'em can hold a candle to me, mate. None of 'em," David Dickinson tells an empty wine bottle.

David Dickinson has never forgiven "the Argies" for attempting to reclaim the Falklands. "The absolute cheek, to try and steal Her Majesties land... you rouse the British Bulldog, it bites, mate. It bites!"

David Dickinson has no problem buying "sweat shop clothing. You're giving 'em money, so why feel guilty? They might not see a penny of it but that's not my problem. Let the dusty countries sort themselves out."

David Dickinson has a temper tantrum because his wife has finished off the last of the Kia Ora. "I'm sorry love, but you know I don't drink owt else from the fridge. Milk in tea, yes, but never straight!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson shaves the moustache he has been trying out when everyone starts mistaking him for a jaundiced Bob Carolgees.

David Dickinson is so excited about Opal Fruits making a comeback that he rings up his local wholesaler and pre-orders a gross there and then. His joy dissipates slightly when he learns it is only a 'limited edition' thing. "Back to reality, I guess," he sighs. "Fucking Starburst!"

David Dickinson rings Charles Dance and ask him and his wife over for dinner. 'Cant makk it filming a new gam of thrones', Dance texts back. "The lying get," Dickinson rages, "that fucking sword and sorcery nonsense is finished, innit?"

David Dickinson pops into Aldi and buys two cans of hairspray. "Cheap as chips, and just as good as the expensive brands!" he chirps to his wife in the car.

[Ferris]

DD buys a "flying" carpet from eBay and can't wait for it to arrive!

"Up above the trees and houses..." he hums as he eagerly watches the letterbox.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson describes a broken old fortune watch as "absolute bobbins".

David Dickinson invites Kirsty Allsopp to lunch at a local cafe, to "discuss some kind of project or other. We'll go Dutch Kirsty, just don't mention it to my wife or she'll think we're having affair! Do you want to have an affair with me, by the way? Please?! I'm begging you!"

David Dickinson buys an expensive Suzuki motorbike, but it just sits in the garage gathering dust. "I'll get lessons eventually... not that I'm nervous about riding it! In the meantime, I'll practice the 'biker' look with me new leather jacket!" Ada Dickinson just smiles kindly and let's her husband get on with his late-life crisis.

David Dickinson auctions off all load of saucy seaside postcards Ronnie Barker gave him in the '80s. "The proceeds will go towards the coal fuel generator I've been pestering the council to build. That'll put the wind up young Thunberg and that global warming lot!"

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

David Dickinson's head falls off, for absolutely no reason.

[Glebe]

"Ada, Ada, come quick, come quick!"

Mrs. Dickinson runs out to the garden in a state of panic. "What is it, David?"

"Look love, it's a magpie! That's good luck!"

"No David, two magpie's is good luck... you know, 'One for sorrow, two for joy...'"

"Oh shit. Shit. Can't see a second nearby."

David Dickinson decides to just stamp the bird to bits.

****

David Dickinson argues that the British antiques industry has "come on in leaps and bounds" in regard to social progress over the years. "There was a time in the '70s were we didn't accept women, let alone the fuzzie-wuzzies!"

David Dickinson describes Nigella Lawson as "mutton dressed as lamb. A badly cooked lamb that she did herself, overrated."

David Dickinson invites disgraced '90s celebrity MP Neil Hamilton and wife Christine to dinner. "It's a special occasion," he explains to his wife, "So break out the Colman's, Ada!"

David Dickinson once asked Carol Beer for her hand in marriage. When she refused he made sure her career would go down the pan.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson gets a visit from Tom Allen. "Hi David, just wanted to let you know I've bought the house next door. Will be moving in soon, ciao for now!"

"Yeah, see you later... y'smarmy twat."

LATER:

"Who was that at the door this afternoon, David?"

"Oh, that was that bald comedy-presenter guy off that Bake Off or summit, he's moving in next door apparently. Snappy dresser, but what an absolute cunt."

[Hand Solo]

David Dickinson after a busy day's filming takes off his Handsome Head for a bit of a breather.

[Glebe]

It is David Dickinson's secret wish to ride a porpoise across the Irish Sea. "Pipe dreams, mate. Pipe dreams," David Dickinson sighs to himself.

David Dickinson's ideal night? "Lasagne, bottle of Sandeman Port, Matlock, sorted."

David Dickinson was quite the Romeo in his day, or so he tells the local landlord after a few brandies. "1984, Bubbles nightclub, Rotherhithe. It's long gone now. All the stars used to hang out there... David Essex, Duncan Norville, Geoffrey from Rainbow, all with some chick or other on their arms. I was about to give up hope that night, when I turned around and there she was... an absolute stunner. Looked like Twiggy, she did. Couple of Babychams and she was mine. I waltzed out that door with that woman on me arm. The face on Leo Sayer. Jealous as fuck."

David Dickinson goes to topiary classes.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is a "great fan of that Elton John. It's okay to be a puff nowadays and he's done a lot for the AIDS people."

David Dickinson smiles as he recalls a 1980 weekend bender in Miami with Mike Winters. "Bernie had split and joined forces with Schnorbitz the dog at that stage, but that fucking few days would have made him well envious of this brother and me!" David Dickinson tells the grandfather clock in his living room as he takes another large gulp of Courvoisier.

David Dickinson once ran a cake shop with his wife in St. Ives. "It was only a brief venture, but we had to give it up when a local tramp wrecked the gaff and called Ada "the wife of an orange goblin".

David Dickinson once had a food column entitled 'The Local Gourmand' in The Thetford Pamphlet. Sample review: "The spag bol was smashing but the upside down cake left a lot to be desired".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Bruce Forsyth calls David Dickinson a "Cuprinol cunt" via a Ouija board.

Sublime

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

David Dickinson orders a bag of chips and realises he's £2.20 short.

Very good indeed

[Shit Good Nose]

"Right teams, you were each given £200 to spend on three items.  Reds - you spent a total of £185.  Your first item is this beautiful art deco lamp, £65 spent.  No maker's name, but it's in superb original condition with no cracks or chips - VERY difficult to find one undamaged.  £65 is a GOOD price and I think it's a right bobby dazzler - that will go great guns at auction.  Your next item is this small silver brooch with mother-of-pearl inlay, bought for a princely £100.  Now I've looked closely at this and, whilst it's a pretty little item, I can't see any hallmark and I don't think it's British sterling silver.  £100?  A bit steep if you ask me and, I'm sorry to say, I don't think it will wipe its nose.  Your last item, bought for a cheap-as-chips £20, is this early 20th century travel case.  It's had a LOT of use and I can see a bit of damage, and I don't think those hinges are original.  Vintage luggage items are in-vogue at the moment, but they often struggle at auction, so this one will depend on the right two or three people in the room battling it out.  Blues, you spent all but £1 of your £200, with a big £120 spent on this rather impressive looking 19th century chair - almost throne-like isn't it?  Fine condition and, to me, it looks all original.  A few minor scrapes and scratches, but it's almost certainly over 150 years old so that's to be expected.  £120 is a lot, but I think it might just surprise us.  Next up was this angle-poise lamp which is probably from the 70s or 80s - a bit of an update from the red team's art-deco example.  Now there's been a HUGE resurgence in the popularity of these in recent years, and if they work - which this one does - all the better.  You spent £49 on this - a tad heavy perhaps, but you'll get interest from everyone from designers to interior decorators.  I think that's a fair deal.  Your last item, costing £50, is this fully lined 19th century cigar humidor.  Smoking is obviously out of fashion these days (looks to camera) although I don't mind admitting I take the occasional cigar, but tobacciana is increasingly popular with collectors, and this is an excellent example, in very fine condition.  £50 is a good price and I think that will easily make three figures.  Let's see what happens at the auction..."

We draw back to see David looking like Willard in Saigon in Apocalypse Now, in his loft conversion wearing nothing but soiled y-fronts, gut hanging over the waist, several empty bottles of booze strewn around the place.  The "teams" are made up of cuddly toys he's stolen from his grandkids, daubed with rose and pale purple as he didn't have any primary red or blue paints in.  The "antiques" are just things that were to hand - a biro, a chequebook with all the cheques used, a 100 Best Tries VHS case (no video in the case), a screwed up bit of paper, a 10p piece and a pair of broken specs.  The camera that David looks to is just empty space.  He's been at this for days now, ever since his wife packed a suitcase and walked out.

[Glebe]

^Brilliant SNG!

[FAKE EDIT]

David Dickinson does the two-step to the sound of the Van der Valk theme in his front garden at 5AM every morn.

David Dickinson organises a charity raffle in Shrewsbury, with the top prize being a jar of his wife's homemade jam. "She can't fucking give it away to be honest, heaven help the winner!" he utters to the local vicar.

David Dickinson is very proud of his Armenian heritage and visits the country every year in a converted hovercraft.

David Dickinson smokes 200 Lambert & Butler whilst waiting for the bus to Frome.

[dissolute ocelot]

David Dickinson chopping the heads off marble statues "This is what the people want".

David Dickinson falls asleep in an Elizabethan box bed and is accidentally shipped to Dubai. The freighter is hijacked by Somali pilots, and Dickinson rapidly becomes their leader. Three weeks later, he leads a raid on the Ethiopian State Museum and makes off with all their most treasured artefacts, including the Ark of the Covenant, which he converts into a drinks cabinet laden with now-cursed pear liqueur.

David Dickinson can't remember how to spell his own name and is forced to turn to the internet, with confusing results. Eventually concludes he's Dickie Davies, and dead.

Interviewed by Antiques Roadshow Magazine, Tinker three times denies that he knows David Dickinson, as was predicted by Jesus.

[batwings]

Nice work SNG! That actually made me feel a bit sad.

[Pingers]

David Dickinson falls asleep in an Elizabethan box bed and is accidentally shipped to Dubai. The freighter is hijacked by Somali pilots, and Dickinson rapidly becomes their leader. Three weeks later, he leads a raid on the Ethiopian State Museum and makes off with all their most treasured artefacts, including the Ark of the Covenant, which he converts into a drinks cabinet laden with now-cursed pear liqueur

Superb.

In a television green room, David Dickinson assumes June Sarpong is a runner. 'Get us a Dubonnet will you love?'

[touchingcloth]

David Dickenson's doctor tells him that the problem with his penis is that he has wanked it "to the nub", and that from now on he needs to see the gynaecologist.

[Pingers]

"I could tell you a thing or two about Paul Daniels, let me assure you. But I keep it to myself out of respect for Debbie, now there's a proper lady for you, not like those Black Lives Matter lesbsexuals you get these days."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson once asked Carol Beer for her hand in marriage. When she refused he made sure her career would go down the pan.

That should be Alice Beer, obviously.

David Dickinson once asked George Lazenby for his autograph but was rebuked. "He went from being my favourite to my least favourite Bond in an instant," David Dickinson explains in an interview with the local community newsletter. "There are no heroes."

"That Kevin McCloud is a nice man, but he really annoys me," David Dickinson tells Shane Richie during a phone chat. "I'm sure he has a beautifully-designed house, but he won't budge for toffee in a slow ITV canteen queue."

David Dickinson once attempted to set up a brewery producing 'Dickinson's Ale'. "It was a failed venture, but I got well tiddly taste-testing the brew!" he chuckles to a fellow barfly one evening at The Disappointed Hog.

David Dickinson gives a homeless man the price of a cup of tea. "I know they're not all bad, and 32p won't get you fuck-all worth of heroin, I'd say."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson has a raging argument with Malcolm Hebden over a parking space at Alton Towers. "I'll tell y'what Hebden, you're all mild and meek as Norris on Corrie, but I've never heard such language! Okay, I'll move me 'F-ing' Range Rover!"

The year is 2002, and David Dickinson is rather suprized to find Paul Martin engaged in orgiastic debasement with two prostitutes and a bag of coke in a BBC closet. "You'd think butter wouldn't melt, but I've seen a new side to Paul now!" he later confides to Anne Robinson in the BBC canteen.

David Dickinson once met Giant Haystacks at a farmer's market in Twickenham.

David Dickinson's favourite autograph? "Lena Zavaroni, 1984."