Retrain With Rishi

[Cuellar]

https://beta.nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/

Find out what jobs you can do when yours inevitably goes down the shitter thanks to Coron. Here are a selection of the careers it suggested for me, a 30-something man with a humanities degree:

-GP
-Dentist
-Vet
-Gamekeeper
-Nuclear Technician
-Seismologist
-TV Presenter
-DJ
-Head of IT
-Funeral Director
-Drone Pilot

Could combine the last two and clean up, I suppose.

[Ray Travez]

"career" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Butchers Blind]

At the end, you'll get a summary of job groups that might interest you based on your answers, for example creative careers or working in healthcare.

[Icehaven]

I got

Hospitality and Food
Waiter
Cellar Technician (no me neither but apparently they install drinks systems in bars and hotels)
Food Factory worker
Microbrewer
Meat process worker
Food Scientist

Social Care
Community Transport Driver

Retail and Sales
No job roles were found that might be suited to you.

Oh well, having a roof over your head and food to eat is overrated anyway, see you at the food bank! 

Seriously though wtf? How can it possibly be recommending jobs in hospitality and food right now? Isn't that exactly the sector most people this is intended to help will be being made redundant from? The questions are weird as well, at no point do they ask actual practical things about the job like do you like working outdoors, or with children, or would you prefer to travel or not travel, what your level of education is, y'know, the actual practical things that make you suited to a job (of the whopping 7 careers it's recommended for me one is a driving job. I cannot drive.) And why hasn't it recommended me for the job I actually do, which I'm well suited to and without blowing my own smoke too much I'm very good at?

[Blumf]

I got "Creative and media" as my top pick, a category that includes "French polisher"

[Norton Canes]

"You can answer a few more questions to see particular jobs that may suit you, like an animator or a paramedic"

Disappointed that it doesn't randomly generate two roles each time you refresh.

[Better Midlands]

At the end, you'll get a summary of job groups that might interest you based on your answers, for example creative careers or working in healthcare.

It will be updated after Brexit so everyone gets care home worker & fruit picker

[idunnosomename]

This is just like the plague of "which Big Bad Beetleborg are you?" quizzes from a decade ago. Except less scientific

[Ray Travez]

It will be updated after Brexit so everyone gets care home worker & fruit picker

...or 'polishing the shoes of a tory peer. pay grade- a few crusts, some dripping'

[Better Midlands]

[idunnosomename]

That was from viz feb last year. Not sure what jokers been flyposting it

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Can definitely recommend a career in complaints and claims. Your employer always needs you even when it's quiet, and being employed through virtue of the inevitability of their own mistakes is also an absurdity that makes the bureaucracy more enjoyable. You also get to point the finger at other people after the fact which is much better than having live responsibility for whatever service outcome someone is hoping for and being held to account during your tough, demanding job.

And if it gets so busy you can't deal with all the complaints and they start to fall outside client/regulatory requirements they are forced to hire more colleagues.

So yeah apart from the pay it is alright.

My area also gets busier, not quieter during economic downturns so unless our parent company goes slash, we have traditionally been recession proof.

[Fr.Bigley]

Can definitely recommend a career in complaints and claims. Your employer always needs you even when it's quiet, and being employed through virtue of the inevitability of their own mistakes is also an absurdity that makes the bureaucracy more enjoyable. You also get to point the finger at other people after the fact which is much better than having live responsibility for whatever service outcome someone is hoping for and being held to account during yourself tough, demanding job.

And if it gets so busy you can't deal with all the complaints and they start to fall outside client/regulatory requirements they are forced to hire more colleagues.

So yeah apart from the pay it is alright.

My area also gets busier, not quieter during economic downturns so unless our parent company goes slash, we have traditionally been recession proof.

Sounds proimsing.

[BritishHobo]

I did the whole quiz and then when I pressed the button to get my results, it just said 'something has gone wrong' and left me adrift on a blank page with no other options, which sort-of feels like a metaphor for my university education.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sounds proimsing.

One drawback is it isn't a career :/

It's a job though

[Fr.Bigley]

One drawback is it isn't a career :/

It's a job though

As right as you are, I think the gig economy is here to stay. My career stopped dead in it's tracks this year. The pitfall of having an Arts Degree eh!

[Sebastian Cobb]

[Danger Man]

-Boxer
-Football referee
-Bingo caller


Fucking hell......

[shiftwork2]

"Sports Professional".  Ha ha ha ha ha

[Consignia]

[Wonderful Butternut]

- Trading Standards Officer
- Probation Services Officer
- Actuary
- Biotechnologist
- Data-analyst statistician
- Medial physicist
- Physicist
- Research scientist
- Analytical textile technologist
- About 8 more science careers
- Coastguard
- Airline Pilot
- Port Operative
- Audio-visual technician
- Fishing vessel skipper
- Tractor driver (this is just cos it knows my IP is from Ireland, I bet)
- Chimney Sweep
- Sign Language Interpreter
- Caretaker
- Cleaner

I get some of these, a lot of stuff that involves following rule sets and analysing data, yeah that's the sort of stuff I do really well. It really thinks I should've been some sort of scientist. But I don't get why it's pulled some of them. Tractor Driver? Chimney Sweep? Sign Language Interpreter? And I didn't try to fuck with it.

I'm fairly surprised it didn't pull Accountant.

[imitationleather]

- Publican
- Cinema or theatre attendant
- Airline customer service agent
- Market trader
- Travel agent

All booming industries right now.

[JamesTC]

Off to be a Nanotechnician, a Motor Mechanic, a florist or a cake decorator. See you losers later.

[Wonderful Butternut]

Off to be a Nanotechnician, a Motor Mechanic, a florist or a cake decorator. See you losers later.

Decorate the cake with flowers, a track rod end and some nanotechnology.

[TheBrownBottle]

Social care

Apparently I've found my calling, as the algorithm couldn't be arsed to shit out any other suggestions.  I'd happily work in that sector, I imagine it would give a sense of worth.  Only three suggestions, one being funeral director.

Maybe not.

[The Lurker]

I got told that I was basically unemployable. Joke's on them though, I currently have a job.

[Icehaven]

I got told that I was basically unemployable. Joke's on them though, I currently have a job.

I wasn't far off, it even recommended Retail then when I clicked to see the specific jobs it said there weren't any suitable for me. WELL WHY RECOMMEND IT THEN??? There was absolutely nothing like what I actually do (librarian) and am very well suited for, and it can't even blame the fact that library work isn't exactly a growth industry because it also told me to be a waiter or a cellar technician (installing drinks systems in bars)* and they're hardly recruiting right now either.





*I'm genuinely mystified as to what answers I gave that led to this suggestion, unless it's a default suggestion if the algorithm has decided you're good for nothing.

[TheBrownBottle]

I got told that I was basically unemployable. Joke's on them though, I currently have a job.

Ah, perhaps the joke is on you - Rishi's 'Speak your job' machine reckons you'd be best served doing nowt, and there you are going to work like a big dope

[Wonderful Butternut]

Social care

Apparently I've found my calling, as the algorithm couldn't be arsed to shit out any other suggestions.  I'd happily work in that sector, I imagine it would give a sense of worth.  Only three suggestions, one being funeral director.

Maybe not.

Social Workers I've worked with:

#1 Former priest who used to mission in Brazil where drug-crazed nutcases would point guns at him until they'd see his collar at which point they'd be: "Oh father, can I have your blessing?". Reached the point of being pathologically unable to give a fuck by the time he got back here to deal with alcoholics and people too stupid to maintain a tenancy cos they spent all their money on magic beans[nb]One bloke signed up with every internet provider who put a leaflet through his door. So he had about 6 internet connections, and associated monthly bills, into the house.[/nb]. Decent bloke otherwise. Now retired.

#2 Former nun who was completely nuts. Now retired.

#3 Career Social Worker who is completely nuts and largely ineffectual. Out sick ever since we changed the management structure and she actually had to account for what she was doing on a regular basis, culminating in her being yelled at for ignoring a written instruction from her supervisor 3 times.

#4 Totally an utterly unable to handle the job and quit a permanent pensionable position at about 28 years of age with nothing lined up. My guess is she started out doing Arts in college without knowing what to do, got into Sociology and from there decided she could save the world and went into Social Work. And found the reality a bit different.

#5 Started off really well, but after the aforementioned change in management structure had all the Social Workers in one office instead of spread out regionally, she got institutionalised into the others' insane and lazy work practices. Currently out on maternity leave and has a job in the health service (who she previously bitched about having worked for them before) lined up for when her maternity is over. That's a shame, because she was the only one we had who could talk non-bullshit and do her job well.

#6 Bone idle, lazy, useless ignorant daughter of a Sinn Fein TD who never did a tap and tried to get a job elsewhere with #5, but had so thoroughly pissed off her supervisor by that point that she wasn't willing to ask for a reference and is stuck for the time being. As she's now the only one left, she keeps contracting workitis to be out of the office for a while.


Avoid that profession, imo. Basically a lot of the people you are going to work with are beyond saving and you either go nuts drowning in their problems or become apathetic. And whilst if you think about it at a macro level, your job is worthwhile if you even get 1 person in 10 to sort their shit out, it certainly won't feel like that when 9 out of 10 are still basically as disfunctional as when you started with them.

Of course it is worth noting that Butternut has worked for a housing authority for 11 years and that does make you quite cynical. So pinch of salt.

[Jasha]

Carpet fitter and floor layer
Plasterer
Scaffolder
Labourer
Steeplejack
Steel erector
Gas main layer

To be fair that's pretty much what the careers advisor said after she'd stopped laughing all those years ago