Matt Forde Cries Over Bad Amazon Reviews

[touchingcloth]

I think, regarding the sausage sandwiches post, that the meaning is the same as if he had said:

My housemate has sausage sandwiches for breakfast.

Except his housemate doesn't have sausage sandwiches, but instead has "makes me sausage sandwiches" for breakfast. I think it's a working class thing.

[Hand Solo]

The way I'm interpreting it is that the housemate (Willis?) invites a third party over to their home early in the morning unbeknownst to Matt, they wrap a slice of turkey and a slice of ham around their respective penes, go to Matt's room where he takes the role of the bread - thus completing the sandwich and giving him his best start to the day.

But what about the 'Two men. Laughing. Eating.' bit? Is Matt only speaking as a passive observer while two other men use his anus as a jizz-landfill because he is in the cumslut submissive role in this threesome before swallowing their deep loads, and therefore writing this tweet in some kind of gratified emancipating knowing-wink code to other greedy jissom-pigs out there?

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just a selection of his posts about pizza. A taster menu, if you will.







I wonder if Willis stopped being a simple mate and became the housemate he started the day with sausage sandwiches with? Laughing with Willis. Eating with Willis. Disrespecting American Hero firefighters with Willis.

Is buying Papa John's fodder for a cancelling these days?

love this, not only is really liking pizza a bit tepid in itself (there's nowt wrong with pizza, it's fine), but also he's mostly eating in the dull americanised chain end. There's no hope for this melt, life imprisonment in his own comfort zone.

If he were born a couple of generations previous he'd be one of those grandads that is baffled by meals that aren't just meat and two veg and sits sulking with an omlette when the rest of the family force him to go to a balti house.

[idunnosomename]

is matt chorley just a melted matt forde? funny how you never see them in the same room

[JesusAndYourBush]

In lieu of writing a review I've been marking all the one star ones as 'Helpful'

All the people leaving 1-star reviews are getting it wrong.  Tactically it's better to leave a 5-star review but still include criticism, then there's the dilemma of does he complain and get the review removed or does he want to keep those 5 stars regardless of the questionable content.

[touchingcloth]

love this, not only is really liking pizza a bit tepid in itself (there's nowt wrong with pizza, it's fine), but also he's mostly eating in the dull americanised chain end. There's no hope for this melt, life imprisonment in his own comfort zone.

I like his view on a "family treat". It's very much like my dad's, where the treat in his mind isn't defined by the quality of the food so much as the price and, more than that, the size of the discount.

"Son, your mother and I went to Wetherspoons and used a coupon to get eighty seven buckets of swill for 57p! These idiots are haemorrhaging money and they don't even know it."

"Right. Was the swill tasty?"

"It was very cheap and there was a lot of it. Result!"

[Famous Mortimer]

I feel like this entire thread is a practical joke at my expense. This fuckwit was from just down the road from me, was a member of the SWP, and is only a few years younger than me, so I definitely met him at a bunch of political events at the time. I bet my old comrades from Nottingham have some good stories about him (or actually, they probably don't have any, as I bet he went to the anti-war demo in 2003 when it was popular, then sacked it off when it was revealed being a socialist was hard work occasionally), so I'll ask them.

But he's not funny, in the slightest. Not even "here's where the jokes should be", like I can see with some awful club comedians. Just a vacuum. And he's got all these jobs and famous people praising his book. How is this possible? I'd never even heard of him before this thread started, but he's all over the place. How did this happen?

[touchingcloth]

I feel like this entire thread is a practical joke at my expense. This fuckwit was from just down the road from me, was a member of the SWP, and is only a few years younger than me, so I definitely met him at a bunch of political events at the time. I bet my old comrades from Nottingham have some good stories about him (or actually, they probably don't have any, as I bet he went to the anti-war demo in 2003 when it was popular, then sacked it off when it was revealed being a socialist was hard work occasionally), so I'll ask them.

But he's not funny, in the slightest. Not even "here's where the jokes should be", like I can see with some awful club comedians. Just a vacuum. And he's got all these jobs and famous people praising his book. How is this possible? I'd never even heard of him before this thread started, but he's all over the place. How did this happen?

Yeah, it's bizarre. I know that writing for HIGNFY and the like is as much about grafting as it is genuine comic talent, but the gulf between the actual content I've seen in that book and the reviews from celebrities saying how hilarious it is is enormous. Kafkaesque, almost. Like you say it doesn't feel like a sense of humour that isn't my sort of thing, it just seems to have been written as a layperson's politics joke with a light-ish tone, and the idea of anyone chuckling hard at it is baffling. The "most hilarious book ever omg" reviews must really mean "this book is by a man whose political opinions are the same as mine, but it's not scholarly so I'll say it's funny". It feels like when The Martian won the best comedy Oscar.

[touchingcloth]

I have to say, I'm very much enjoying trawling twitter trying to find ways to ruin the career of this man who I know nothing about and who doesn't particularly offend me.

[touchingcloth]

These days they lock you up in jail if you beat a Mexican.

[Sebastian Cobb]

'had one of the most disgusting Chinese's of my career' is an odd thing to say if you're not a restaurant critic isn't it?

[touchingcloth]

Did the biggest shit of my career this morning.

[idunnosomename]

Did the biggest shit of my career this morning.

yes, it's called "Politically Homeless"

[jobotic]

Yeah but you do shits for a living.

You wanna know my occupation?
I get paid for defecation
I go to work

[touchingcloth]

I eat pieces of shit like makes me sausage sandwiches for breakfast, which I eat at suppertime.

[frajer]

'had one of the most disgusting Chinese's of my career' is an odd thing to say if you're not a restaurant critic isn't it?

Probably means he claimed it back on tax as expenses. Can't write the most scathingly hilarious political tome on an empty stomach. #MakesMeSausage

[Hand Solo]

Going on about his anon Grindr gloryhole hookups again in public is he? Tch, what is he like?!

[holyzombiejesus]

Shut the fuck up about the gay stuff, you witless dickhead.

[touchingcloth]

Yes, they gay stuff is misplaced. Not sure what point is being made, or who the audience is.

[Hand Solo]

Yes, they gay stuff is misplaced. Not sure what point is being made, or who the audience is.

He's so terrible at writing and putting across this laddish image his tweets can easily be interpreted as gay euphemisms, I thought the point was clear? Myself and Better Midlands had a whole exchange trying to parse the context or sausage sandwiches and everything.

Shut the fuck up about the gay stuff, you witless dickhead.

I see Matt Forde has outed himself. Again.

[Blinder Data]

I feel like this entire thread is a practical joke at my expense. This fuckwit was from just down the road from me, was a member of the SWP, and is only a few years younger than me, so I definitely met him at a bunch of political events at the time. I bet my old comrades from Nottingham have some good stories about him (or actually, they probably don't have any, as I bet he went to the anti-war demo in 2003 when it was popular, then sacked it off when it was revealed being a socialist was hard work occasionally), so I'll ask them.

IIRC he was in the SWP for about 5 mins as a teen before joining Labour and then worked for them during the Blair years

[frajer]

"This is the best book I've makes me written." - Matt Forde

[touchingcloth]

He's so terrible at writing and putting across this laddish image his tweets can easily be interpreted as gay euphemisms, I thought the point was clear?

It's not too clear, I think because partly because he's not really going for a lads, lads, lads image, it's more the kind of thing of talking about how cool pizza and bacon are and, wahey, who doesn't like PIZZA?! Partly too it's because I've had a good old sift through his twitter for anything questionable, but there's nowt. He's not homophobic or racist to any extent there, so that's why it feels like a misfire and comes across that you're the homophobe. Just sayin'.

[Hand Solo]

It's not too clear, I think because partly because he's not really going for a lads, lads, lads image, it's more the kind of thing of talking about how cool pizza and bacon are and, wahey, who doesn't like PIZZA?! Partly too it's because I've had a good old sift through his twitter for anything questionable, but there's nowt.

He is doing a `wahey lads bantz' thing, but is so desperate not to offend he is treading this really shit 'ghost of 90s lad culture' line of bland by mentioning lager and pizza and his bezzie mate that the wording in a few of the tweets posted here could easily be misinterpreted for comic effect which I and others did. I obviously don't read his twitter for a broader context, it's for cunts.

He's not homophobic or racist to any extent there, so that's why it feels like a misfire and comes across that you're the homophobe. Just sayin'.

Does he need to be? It wasn't an angle I was persuing other than the terrible wording in some of his bland-o tweets gave impulse to being interpreted in this way simply to subvert his shit laddishness - sausage sandwiches and all. And I'm gay - not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Famous Mortimer]

It's stupid and boring and has made you the subject of the thread, not Forde. If you don't think he's gay, please stop banging on about it.

[touchingcloth]

You're gay? Bit gay that, mate.

I don't know, really. I've usually got a good radar for the kind of lads who spout homophobic shite - whether it's aggressive vitriol or more of the softer "ew, pink shirt on a lad?" variety - and he hasn't set it off in any of the posts I've seen. Maybe any of the Nuts mag vibes he's giving off are just cloaked behind the vibes of being a total fucking idiot.

[Hand Solo]

It's stupid and boring and has made you the subject of the thread, not Forde.

Sorry to derail the stupid and boring thread by being stupid and boring.

Maybe any of the Nuts mag vibes he%u2019s giving off are just cloaked behind the vibes of being a total fucking idiot.

As I've already said and you don't seem to get - I thought he was just trying to do the most bland version of lad culture he thinks he can get away with and not being actively homophobic, I just thought it funnier to envision a couple of these bland tweets in some kind of unfortunate twitter Polari rather than this shit image he's trying to cultivate of a fun-everyman you'd like to go down the pub with. He's literally doing a Boris.

[canadagoose]

Had a Chinese sausage up my arse last night. Ooh, bit naughty that, careful!!!

[touchingcloth]

Sorry to derail the stupid and boring thread by being stupid and boring.

As I've already said and you don't seem to get - I thought he was just trying to do the most bland version of lad culture he thinks he can get away with and not being actively homophobic, I just thought it funnier to envision a couple of these bland tweets in some kind of unfortunate twitter Polari rather than this shit image he's trying to cultivate of a fun-everyman you'd like to go down the pub with. He's literally doing a Boris.

I see, it was an absurdist "Matt Forde isn't a horrible lads lads lads poster, but if he were..." then x y z, yada yada and Bob's your uncle, was it?

Sorry, I've been a bit overly literal, which is rich of me considering I've spent a lot of today feigning outrage at the guy's pizza comments when I essentially have no issue with him other than him wahhhhh-ing about some nasty reviews.

As you were.

[drummersaredeaf]

The food tweets absolutely honk of this