Author Topic: Obligatory break-up thread (incorporating life running out of control themes)  (Read 1209 times)

Shaky

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Please forgive the navel gazing and venting, but I broke up with a lady last night and it's the icing on an already shitty cake. The suicidal ideation has subsided a little this morning but I feel immensely worthless and detached from reality. I'd invested way too much in this relationship even though it was obvious for a while that our schedules and needs were nearly impossible to reconcile. She's a practical sort of trooper, I'm the depressive, emotional type who gets caught in tangles. Low self-esteem. You know the drill. I put her on a very high pedestal indeed because she's pretty great, y'know?. But I struggled to reconcile the fantasy of romance with the reality a great deal of the time.

I'm also in financial hardship due to recent unemployment, lack of clear life goals, and the totalling of two (!) cars in the last four months. I am a mess and can't see a clear way forward. I don't even know if I want a way forward. My kids are a reason to stick around but then the guilt kicks in.. Zero available friends in Brisbane due to people moving away and a period of intense hermitude a few years ago.

Tried talking to Beyond Blue but they were rubbish. Other forums just push variations on the, "Try to do positive things!" line. Escitalopram ain't cutting it no more. I'm on Valdoxan but it takes weeks to kick in. I honest to fuck can't deal with feeling like this most of the time. Like viewing life happening to other people through distorted glass. It's just not fun or interesting now.

Not sure where I'm going with this but it feels like something to type it all out, I suppose.

QDRPHNC

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Hey, don't know if I can say anything to help. Just that I'm sorry to hear things are bad for you. On the upside, you seem to have a fairly objective view of things. Please don't do anything rash. I know it's a cliche, but things can and often do get better. And I say this as someone who has fucked up mostly everything. Sending you good thoughts from the other side of the world.

Things might be fun or interesting again tomorrow, or the day after or even the week or the month after that. Please stick around and find out x

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
You have kids. 'Nuff said.

You'll get better but vent away. The cliche stupid advice like "just do positive things" and "distract yourself" is actually not far from the wisest course of action in my experience. It's just a very hard thing to do for depressives. You have to force yourself as it usually doesn't come naturally.

I broke up in July and was pretty distraught about it - it came, as these things often do, during a long period of depression and existential drift, and I felt totally fucking lost, worthless, impossibly small and alone.

It's shit. It will continue to be shit. You will have to draw on strength, which you have, and nobody will commend you for it, nobody will pat you on the back and tell you what a good job you're doing, they won't see how much strength it takes for you to keep on going, living normally. At some point, probably months from now, you will have recovered sufficiently to be ble to look back on it and see for yourself how bad you felt, and see for yourself how well you did to come through it. For now, concentrate hard on putting one foot in front of the other.

In terms of practical advice, I don't know how feasible it is for you financially/with health insurance (don't really know how the system works in Oz) but I took my heartbroken nadir as an opportunity to begin therapy. It's been enormously helpful to gain insight, to get context for my thoughts and behaviours, see the patterns. Plus it's just nice to have a sympathetic ear. I'm still going, and would definitely recommend it (to anyone, really).

Glebe

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Really sorry to hear it Shaky (and Bernice too)... have you tried seeing a counsellor for the depression and that? I've been on Faverin for many years now (Seroxat before that) and have been receiving some kind of mental health support most of my life, currently going to a local counsellor for a couple of years now. In any case, love, support and hugs and please know that you're not alone. PM for chat if you'd like, take care mate.

The cliche stupid advice like "just do positive things" and "distract yourself" is actually not far from the wisest course of action in my experience. It's just a very hard thing to do for depressives. You have to force yourself as it usually doesn't come naturally.

Yeah it's aggravating to hear and can often seem like the person imparting the advice has no idea what they're talking about - "if it was that simple I'd have done it dickhead" is a natural response I think. One thing I have often found helps with the above two bits of advice is that they normally take 20 minutes of forcing them before they actually start to work.

Really sorry to hear about your sitch Shaky/Bernice, best wishes to you both.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Also, music is good. Putting some Rush on genuinely makes me feel good, it just lifts me up. I don't know how or why. Listen to music you love.

Any update on this?

Have you tried crazy golf? It worked for Mr T.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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The normal advice would be to distract from it, keep busy, keep your mind off stuff both immediate and medium term, say Yes to more opportunities and gradually dig dig dig a pile of time and new memories to bury your grief under.

In the world under covid that is hugely curtailed so might be tougher.

Sorry to hear about all this. It can and will get better. There is a lot to process first.

Small Man Big Horse

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So sorry to hear this Shaky, but please don't do anything stupid, I don't mean to guilt you but if you were to commit suicide it'd fuck your kids up a hideous amount. In the meantime all I can do is echo others advice, if you can afford therapy / get it for free then I'm sure it'd help, and at the very least reach out to either your doctor or friends and family and tell them how miserable you feel. It's another cliche too, but exercise really does help, I wish it didn't as I'm a lazy arse, but the more you do the better you'll feel.

phes

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World is full of people feeling like they're useless and fucking up. Don't make the mistake of comparing the inside of your currently mangled head with the outside of anything else. These times can and do improve. Reach out to others like you have and try to begin making some new connections. People will appreciate it. They probably feel mental too.

Shaky

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Very embarrassed now but genuine thanks for listening and replying, all. I was on CaB over the weekend but couldn't summon the courage to come back to this thread. I've been visiting the site for nearly 20 years but never really reached out before. Which is weird, as reading stuff from you lot has helped in the past, as I know it's helped others.

I feel better but it's still touch and go - waves of, "What's the fucking point?" coming and going. I'm pretty certain I won't do anything drastic because of my kids (it's not a 50/50 arrangement with their mum and I think that's increasingly weighing on me too). I moved to Oz from the UK ten years ago and, after a long-term relationship, two children and several shitty office jobs, I've found myself with lots of free time and almost no friends. Certainly not anyone I can call up and just shoot the shit with or grab a drink. And I think that's a big factor in my current mental state. Also gagging for a major career change - something a million miles beyond four grey walls - and need an escape from watching the pennies every day, or at least squandering savings on ridiculous things like having to buy two cars in the last four months because I drive like an idiot. Therapy has worked in small bursts before but I struggle to apply it to life. Something clinical about it which quite work for me. But I've started to look into some Meetup type groups as I really, really need some good friends this side of the globe. That's a start.

With this recent ex, I was basically unemployed while she ran her own business seven days week. I did quite a lot of stuff for her (came to her place, did occasional housework, company admin, picked her kids up) and maybe that ate away at the love and respect for me, I dunno. She's focused, I'm the opposite. We did have fun together. I'm glad I could help her but still feel the sting of being cast aside. "Why did you say you loved me when you actually didn't?". She explained - kindly - that something had to give in her life and that was me. It's hard not to take that personally.

Also, music is good. Putting some Rush on genuinely makes me feel good, it just lifts me up. I don't know how or why. Listen to music you love.

I genuinely don't understand why everyone doesn't love Rush!

"Why did you say you loved me when you actually didn't?". She explained - kindly - that something had to give in her life and that was me. It's hard not to take that personally.

Just try to remember it's the combination that was bad, not you or her. She was wrong for you too, not just you for her - the right woman wouldn't have wanted to leave.

DolphinFace

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I've said it before and I'll say it again. Go for a nice long walk in the countryside with the promise of a great lovely pie and a beer on return. It'll sort you right out.

Non Stop Dancer

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The only thing I can say is that eventually, not all that long from now it won't hurt as much, and at some point in the future you'll have literally no emotional response to this episode whatsoever. I get that it's not just the breakup, but I'm assuming that's certainly the worse of it right now.

Distraction is the best you can do at the moment really. Play some games if that's your thing. Watch your favourite shows again etc. You'll be alright mate.

Glebe

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Very embarrassed now but genuine thanks for listening and replying, all. I was on CaB over the weekend but couldn't summon the courage to come back to this thread.

Absolutely no need to feel like that Shaky, glad you got this off your chest. Life is a right fucking pain in the arse at the best of times, be kind to yourself and focus on looking after your mental and emotional health.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
I genuinely don't understand why everyone doesn't love Rush!

They're fucking philistines mate.


Two things:

Exercise. Take it all out on your body, paradoxically it loves it and all the feel good substances it stimulates.

Get in touch with your old self. Listen to music, do hobbies- all the stuff you gave up when in a relationship.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Also, shag someone else.

Shaky

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I have... a few plans. Just need to - hilariously - scrimp to buy my third car in a mere 18 months and get out there a bit more. I think some outdoorsy stuff, both recreationally and work-wise, has to be on the cards to really help cobble my brain together. I don't really believe in omens, but oddly I helped an injured tawny frogmouth I found in the garden the other evening and after googling, it appears this is a sign to reunite with nature!

Helping others genuinely makes me feel better too, although I can be guilty of expecting something in return and feeling a bit bitter and disappointed. Gotta be more altruistic.

You could try and find an outdoorsy job, like something in conservation.  Adult education seems easier to access in Australia (from what my family in Maroocydore have told me)so you could be able to retrain?

Shaky

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You could try and find an outdoorsy job, like something in conservation.  Adult education seems easier to access in Australia (from what my family in Maroocydore have told me)so you could be able to retrain?

Cheers, I'm definitely going to look at volunteering at the very least (I've done some before but boringly it was more admin based). Should provide that important exercise element others have mentioned as well. Feel it's a good way forward.

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