The Guardian 'Blind Date' headlines

[Huxleys Babkins]

"We bonded over how we thought the waitress looked like Simon Weston"

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" We bonded over our intense dislike of Hadley Freeman, and both agreed that we were going to track her down and force an old VHS  copy of " The Breakfast Club" up her rectal passage, see how much she wanted to go on about that fucking film then."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" I liked her and thought she was pretty and wanted to kiss her, but she didn't like me so much, and this made me sad, so I went home and had a big tub of chocolate ice cream and a wank, and felt a lot better, I'm going to bed now, nighty night everyone ××."

[Huxleys Babkins]

"Cycling"

[Pingers]

"I think she found my rapid-cycling bi-polar symptoms a bit much, which I was elated and despairing about"

[Huxleys Babkins]

"Just spent the whole date frigging myself off under the table"

[Inspector Norse]

"She helped me realise that yes, all women are evil bitches"

[Inspector Norse]

"He was charming and attentive and left with the waiter."

[Inspector Norse]

"So touching that he had the last two digits of the year of his father's death tattooed on his cheek."

[Inspector Norse]

"I liked her so much I took her home, and she stayed. For good. In a black binbag, in the freezer."

[Fambo Number Mive]

"We're both a pair of stuck up arseholes, as you'd expect from the sort of people featured in this column"

"He didn't know how to flute his handkerchief. Would not meet again."

[Huxleys Babkins]

"I quite clearly stated NO BLACKS on my application form"

[pigamus]

"He smelled like my nan"

[Inspector Norse]

"He seemed nice, so I decided to make it a perfect evening by sacrificing him to my pagan god."

[Huxleys Babkins]

"I was gagging for him to do my arsehole out until he mentioned he doesn't like asparagus"

[Inspector Norse]

"He ordered the poached trout, I ordered the annexation of Transnistria."

[pancreas]

'What can I say? I forgot that "defecate" was the safe word.'

[Fambo Number Mive]

"I pissed in his soup while he was in the toilet"

"We discovered we were both replicants"

[Inspector Norse]

"He dipped his naan in my [edited]"

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" He dipped his [edited] in my nan."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

"We didn't go onto somewhere else because it was a school night, and I know I'm an awful cunt for saying " it was a school night", please kill me."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" Just did it for the free grub and booze and possible fuck, innit?"

[Huxleys Babkins]

"We didn't go on anywhere else because his ankle tag says he needs to be home by 10"

[Huxleys Babkins]

"He just locked eyes with me and sat there in silence whilst he played an episode of The Goon Show out loud on his phone"

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" I was expecting a date with a human being, but it turned out I'd been fixed up with a lifesize model of Fred Basset instead. Why the fuck did you do that, you mental Guardian feckers? "

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

"How can you not like Autechre?"

Laughed

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" I asked her to name all the books that Quentin Blake has illustrated, and she named quite a few, but did she mention the Agaton Sax books? Did she bollocks. So I thought, right, You're not getting so much as a sniff of my fanny, missus."
( This statement made by a woman due to the Guardian's liberal, progressive policy of occasionally allowing bummers and muff- munchers to go on blind dates.)

[Huxleys Babkins]

"I probably shouldn't have told her about the time I accidentally killed a prostitute in Kyiv on a mate's stag do. It's more of a second date story, really."

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

" He told me he still sings the ABC song in his head when alphabetically sorting things, and I ran out of the restaurant screaming."

[dissolute ocelot]

"She left at 9.30 and had sex with a giant octopus."