Author Topic: Woefully tenuous jokes  (Read 5005 times)

Jockice

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #30 on: November 10, 2020, 10:14:45 AM »
No, I'm Tessa Sanderson!

As I've mentioned on this board several times before, one of the strangest evenings of my life was when a friend of the boss of one of my friends launched into a 20-minute stand-up routine in a pub in front of an audience of three of us. This was one of his first punchlines. And take it from me, it was be far neither the oldest or worst joke he told.

notjosh

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #31 on: November 10, 2020, 10:49:38 AM »
Surely everyone here has heard the poem

"I eat my peas with honey, I have done all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, but it keeps them on the knife."

And now people really, apparently, believe English people eat peas with a knife.

I remember a panel from the Beano in which Dennis the Menace was eating peas by picking a load up on his knife and then tilting it so they all rolled into his mouth. I've never managed to do it properly so it's become one of many unfulfilled Beano dreams I have, including rolling a small snowball down the roof from my bedroom window so it gradually gets bigger and bigger and ends up clearing the front path (possibly while taking out a postman), and causing a flood in my school then rowing away in a bin with a ruler as an oar.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #32 on: November 10, 2020, 10:52:59 AM »
Wish I could remember where I heard this but it was on some shitty Channel 4 comedy.

Incredulous man talking about literature: "Next thing you'll be telling me George Eliot was a woman!"

JesusAndYourBush

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #33 on: November 10, 2020, 11:27:51 AM »
where parents were forever telling off their kids not to eat their peas from a knife. I don't know if it was an actual thing or just something someone made up as a joke many years ago

As a kid I remember "don't eat your peas with your knife" being trotted out alongside "don't put your elbows on the table".  It was just one if those seemingly illogical things you'd hear, although in this case it makes sense to not stick your knife in your mouth when eating anything in case a hyperactive younger brother nudges you while the knife is in your mouth and makes you stab yourself.

AsparagusTrevor

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #34 on: November 10, 2020, 12:42:57 PM »
Arrested Development at its peak was masterful at deploying wordplay and references which were deft and tight enough to make it an extremely smart comedy, which is largely why the third season was such a huge disappointment, as it tried to keep up the pace but flopped in so many instances. The worst one that springs to mind is the plot where Michael thinks Rita is working for a mysterious British spy called "Mr F" but it turns out that it's just an acronym for "Mentally Retarded Female", fucking hell, cringing just thinking about that.

Some of the jokes in season 4 (I didn't bother with season 5) are dysfunctional beyond comprehension.

Oh god, yeah. "I just blue myself for the first time in five years"... sigh.

notjosh

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #35 on: November 10, 2020, 01:25:02 PM »
As a kid I remember "don't eat your peas with your knife" being trotted out alongside "don't put your elbows on the table".  It was just one if those seemingly illogical things you'd hear, although in this case it makes sense to not stick your knife in your mouth when eating anything in case a hyperactive younger brother nudges you while the knife is in your mouth and makes you stab yourself.

I think the elbow thing comes from a time when people only owned one shirt and didn't want to wear holes in them.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #36 on: November 10, 2020, 04:03:43 PM »
This is at least the third time I’ve referenced this joke on CaB, but Roy Chubby Brown at one of his shows: “I hear Charlotte Church is getting through sixty ciggies a day. I thought there was no smoking in church?”
Wow. Skip to the song.

I feel winded by how bad that is.

Jumblegraws

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #37 on: November 10, 2020, 04:50:55 PM »
Wow. Skip to the song.

I feel winded by how bad that is.
He must have thought about if it scanned and just said “fuck it, they’re gonna laugh at anything I say, the thick cunts”
« Last Edit: November 10, 2020, 06:22:17 PM by Jumblegraws »

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #38 on: November 10, 2020, 05:04:06 PM »
That was definitely the thought process.

I like to think that Chubby Brown has a lethargic contempt for his audience.

Fr.Bigley

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #39 on: November 10, 2020, 05:06:46 PM »
That was definitely the thought process.

I like to think that Chubby Brown has a lethargic contempt for his audience.

I've often thought that too, weirdly. Maybe it's the role of mayor in LOG but something tells me he knew his market well enough to exploit it.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #40 on: November 10, 2020, 07:08:54 PM »
Adam & Joe with the Constantinople Joke: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xsHwT0bnNo

I can't say how much I love listening to Adam and Joe crack up.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #41 on: November 10, 2020, 07:14:14 PM »
Reminded me of one of my favourite Adam and Joe clips - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e6hDd80XRM

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #42 on: November 10, 2020, 07:17:32 PM »
Adam and Joe cracking each other up is incredibly endearing.
This is a favourite:
https://youtu.be/qI9-94GJOKk

Thomas

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2020, 07:22:41 PM »
I've often thought that too, weirdly. Maybe it's the role of mayor in LOG but something tells me he knew his market well enough to exploit it.

I remember a documentary in which Chubs is followed around by a camera crew for a bit. He's amiable, and demonstrates an ivory-tinkling sensitive side, but there is a sequence in which he gets genuinely worked up by some anti-migrant claim in a tabloid headline.

I think ultimately - whilst happy to extract everything he can from his fans - he's ideologically aligned with the crap he doles out for them.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #44 on: November 10, 2020, 07:36:43 PM »
'Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

Sebastian Cobb

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #45 on: November 10, 2020, 07:47:52 PM »
"I said ping-pong balls not King Kong's balls!"

Thomas

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #46 on: November 10, 2020, 07:48:13 PM »
'Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

Just Googled this for context.

Quote
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The 'joke' isn't even cursorily set at Christmas.

QDRPHNC

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #47 on: November 10, 2020, 07:53:43 PM »
Also relies on you pronouncing foyer as foir.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #48 on: November 10, 2020, 08:00:28 PM »
I vaguely recall from my primary school days in the 70s some joke about a black-and-white knight on a black-and-white horse, which I can recall no further details of except it was comprised of seemingly interminable progressive attachments of the adjective phrase 'black-and-white' to various things.

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #49 on: November 10, 2020, 08:06:15 PM »
I vaguely recall from my primary school days in the 70s some joke about a black-and-white knight on a black-and-white horse, which I can recall no further details of except it was comprised of seemingly interminable progressive attachments of the adjective phrase 'black-and-white' to various things.

There was one they had once across about ten pages on the old Paramount Comedy Channel teletext service involving a purple knight passing by all manner of purple things. It ends with him throwing someone jail and shouting 'INDIGO!'

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #50 on: November 10, 2020, 08:09:03 PM »
trowing someone jail

throwing someone in jail?

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #51 on: November 10, 2020, 08:12:12 PM »

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #52 on: November 10, 2020, 08:22:37 PM »
This is at least the third time I’ve referenced this joke on CaB, but Roy Chubby Brown at one of his shows: “I hear Charlotte Church is getting through sixty ciggies a day. I thought there was no smoking in church?”

I've also referenced this here before, but Roy Chubby Brown on the death of Versace finishes with "I didn't realise HIV stood for homing in on Versace".  It barely makes enough sense to be hateful.

notjosh

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #53 on: November 10, 2020, 08:51:08 PM »
I don't want sparrow and my name's not Gus!

Brundle-Fly

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #54 on: November 10, 2020, 09:02:17 PM »
The most tenuous playground joke's opening line? "Right, there's this gay club where all the members call their nobs -'biscuits'. '"

Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #55 on: November 10, 2020, 09:25:27 PM »
The way the fake hands and remote-controlled wheelchair are written into the Father Ted episode always seemed a bit shit to me, even though it had the self aware 'completely ludicrous situation' line

Jumblegraws

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #56 on: November 10, 2020, 10:16:25 PM »
I've also referenced this here before, but Roy Chubby Brown on the death of Versace finishes with "I didn't realise HIV stood for homing in on Versace".  It barely makes enough sense to be hateful.
Haha I remember that, it was one of the threads where I mentioned the Church joke, I told my friend about it, he absolutely pissed himself at the combination of tastelessness and ineptitude.

Re: Chubby on the League of Gentlemen, by his own account he didn’t get half of the humour in the show. Also, when they came to shoot his scenes, a misprint meant he hadn’t been given most of his script, but he wasn’t mindful enough to realise something was amiss, so he had to learn the bulk of it between his first and second take. Point being, yeah, I think Chubby is only slightly less thick than his average fan.

The Cloud of Unknowing

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #57 on: November 10, 2020, 10:18:33 PM »
'Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

Just remembered the old one about the fire safety officer telling off the staff at Ann Summers for blocking a door with racks of lingerie. "Don't put all your basques in one exit." 

That's quite good actually mods please delete.

famethrowa

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #58 on: November 10, 2020, 10:24:44 PM »
It's not woeful, but pretty tenuous, from Fry & Laurie:

"I don't know how you managed to keep Nancy for so long"

"I've never been nancy!"

Ray Travez

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Re: Woefully tenuous jokes
« Reply #59 on: November 10, 2020, 10:45:06 PM »
I remember a panel from the Beano in which Dennis the Menace was eating peas by picking a load up on his knife and then tilting it so they all rolled into his mouth. I've never managed to do it properly so it's become one of many unfulfilled Beano dreams I have, including rolling a small snowball down the roof from my bedroom window so it gradually gets bigger and bigger and ends up clearing the front path (possibly while taking out a postman), and causing a flood in my school then rowing away in a bin with a ruler as an oar.

it'll be the slipper for you my lad!

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