Masterchef The Professionals 2020

[touchingcloth]

Heeeeeeeeere's Egg.

It's back, and with a socially-distanced flavour. There are four rather than six contestants per episode, the judges and contestants are widely-spaced during the rounds, and the judges take turns to approach the finished dishes like a buffet, spooning a bit out onto an individual plate to sample it from to avoid covtamination.

The most bizarre aspect though is that during the skills test, for some reason - unrelated to distancing as far as I can make out - either Marcus or Monica will observe the test from backstage on a monitor with headphones clamped on, commenting on their successes and missteps as they go. If Matt Allwright were sat next to them you'd observe they were experts hired to uncover some rogue bakers.

[dr beat]

WTF is going on with Marcus 'S**t Jedi' Wareing's (or if you will The Southport Southpaw's) hair? Well I know actually, no barbers open, can't reach those bits at the back.

That salmon thing with the pink and purple mashed potato last night...

[touchingcloth]

Yeah, that thing looked like piped anus.

And what are the "cremmo" things people keep making? Hipster speak for mousse?

[bgmnts]

I still think Marcus Wareing has killed a man. He has serial killer eyes.

[gilbertharding]

I still think Marcus Wareing has killed a man. He has serial killer eyes.

[colacentral]

I think the going into a secret room thing might be a coincidence, or it could be an idea that came about when brain  storming ways to keep their distance and they kept it even though it makes no sense, since they come back into the main room afterwards anyway. It seems better than the old way, in which they commented on the cooking methods of the contestants by raising their eyebrows at each other. They must have felt constrained by not being able to mercilessly slate them, having to stand in the same room as them.

I have to say though, it seems a lot more good natured this time. Even that one guy who messed all 3 of his dishes up got some sympathetic remarks. I usually feel uncomfortable with how needlessly livid Marcus and Monica get, at the ridiculous and unfair skills test in particular.

[amateur]

In previous series they were standing right next to each other for the odd raised eyebrow, wink etc. Perhaps they thought it would be weird to do those looking at each other asides when they're all two metres apart.

Either way it was fucking weird but I sort of love it. Appalling technical challenges are the best thing about this programme bar none.

[Emotional Support Peacock]

I think it's a big improvement having them commentating on the mess the contestants make of the skills test. Gives a clearer understanding of what they're doing wrong (or right) and is similar to what knowledgable viewers must be doing at home.

[sevendaughters]

the first rounds should be endless skills tests. these cunts are already pros and they don't know how to take the bones out of a mackerel? get out.

[iamcoop]

I still think Marcus Wareing has killed a man. He has serial killer eyes.

His episode of Desert Island Discs is insane. A complete psychopath.

[touchingcloth]

His episode of Desert Island Discs is insane. A complete psychopath.

Ooooooh, elaborate!

[Gurke and Hare]

And what are the "cremmo" things people keep making? Hipster speak for mousse?

Cremeux. It's thicker and less airy than a mousse.

the ridiculous and unfair skills test in particular.

Unfair how? They're professional chefs, not people who've wandered in off the street. They should be able to demonstrate basic techniques. The quality for most of them has been disappointingly high so far, there's usually at least one turns up saying "A chicken? No, no idea what that is."

[amateur]

His episode of Desert Island Discs is insane. A complete psychopath.

He comes across as quite the arsehole in this interview he did with his partner.

[colacentral]

Cremeux. It's thicker and less airy than a mousse.

Unfair how? They're professional chefs, not people who've wandered in off the street. They should be able to demonstrate basic techniques. The quality for most of them has been disappointingly high so far, there's usually at least one turns up saying "A chicken? No, no idea what that is."

Because they're appearing on TV for the first time; given a strict time limit which is usually the bare minimum amount of time it would take to do it, with no time to restart something if it fucks up; with it being the first time they've used those ovens; and they have 3 judges staring over their shoulder, silently taking the piss out of them.

Monica and Marcus have an advantage in being able to set the challenge themselves, and have had time to think about what order they're going to make everything. "You should have got your pigeon on first", yeah well I had 15 minutes to cook the whole thing, I wasn't thinking you cunt.

Being a "professional chef" is almost meaningless, it teaches nothing about being on TV in a new kitchen, and it doesn't give them an encyclopedic knowledge of every recipe. You can be a professional chef and only have worked in one place. There are also people from different ethnic backgrounds who won't have cooked much of the European centric food that they get asked to make.

Some of the skills tests they've done over the years have been complete piss takes as far as their expectations of what people can do on the fly, and I remember more than one occasion where one of the judges has described their dish, and the other judge has had a look of thinking "fuck's sake, that's harsh."

The producers know it's ridiculous too - it's so obviously just there as the masterchef equivalent of the first round of X Factor where you get to laugh at people being shit. It crushes the confidence of chefs for our entertainment, and potentially hurts their careers too. I think it's shite.

It doesn't count for anything either, since they cook again in the next round.

[Gurke and Hare]

It's not about having an encyclopaedic knowledge of every recipe, it's about understanding basic techniques. When they've got 20 minutes to make sweetbreads in a red wine sauce, it should be obvious to them to get the sauce started first, because they should know that they aren't going to be able to produce a decent sauce in the last couple of minutes. The bloke last night who works in a pan-African restaurant probably doesn't spend much time making red wine sauces, but he got through it and put out a decent plate because he understands the basics.

No, of course they don't get to have another go if they fuck it up, it's a competition. And I disagree that it doesn't count for anything - if it's a close thing following the next round then it's going to be a tie break on that.

[colacentral]

There have been rounds in the past where literally none of the contestants have even understood what they're supposed to make, and the time limit is usually 15 minutes. 15 minutes is nothing. They start cooking without thinking because they don't have time to think, plus they're made to answer questions about themselves at the same time.

Every episode you have one of them saying "don't worry, you're not the first chef to have a bad skills test and pull it back in the next round." Yeah, because it proves nothing.

[iamcoop]

Ooooooh, elaborate!

It's basically the same sort of stuff he talks about in the interview amateur posts. I understand the drive some people have to succeed but when it's at the complete expense of everybody that loves and supports them I'm afraid I can't get on board.

His music choices are also terrible.

It's still not as disturbing as Gordon Ramsey's appearance, the worst moment being when he dedicates 'Sex Bomb' by Tom Jones and Mousse T to his pre-pubescent daughter as (in his own words) "She's a little sex bomb".

[Blue Jam]

I think Marcus Wareing has been at the Just For Men.

Also he has definitely murdered people.

[wooders1978]

Monica pulls a very obviously "appalled and annoyed" face when gregg introduces her as his "good friend" to one of the chefs

[iamcoop]

The skills tests are entirely for the benefit of television. Let's watch people panic and flap about. Then we'll get onto the nitty gritty.

However, if you are a professional cook and you put yourself forward for this show then I'm afraid I reserve the right to watch you absolutely flounder when Egg Wallace is breathing down your neck/tumescent against your thigh during a dessert round.

[bgmnts]

Love little gimpy Harrison.

Not so keen on Philli "I've been travelling round asia yaaaaaaah".

[Ray Travez]

I still think Marcus Wareing has killed a man. He has serial killer eyes.

I was saying to chrissiebrmc the other night when he was chopping some meat for the skills test. This is how he gets rid of his victims isn't it? It's the perfect crime. No-one's going to suspect him of disposing of a body by lightly fricasseeing it in a red wine jus on national television.

[sevendaughters]

Last night's quartet were all very good. Was great telly actually, seeing people be competent or better.

[touchingcloth]

Teary-eyed Ross from last night - I am getting serious vibes off him.

An obviously highly skilled chef who works in a nursing home producing his delights for a bunch of filthy rich demented old farts with three tastebuds between them after having spent a mysterious five years out of the country, and then breaking down in tears for no reason?

Let's just say it how it is. Ross charms the old fuckers, and when they write him into their wills his hand slips and, whoops, the polonium has gone in Morag's consommé and, whoops again, I've only gone and tripped over the cable of Nicola's life support.

And confronted with praise from Monica and Marcus and witnessing his lovely food disappear unappreciated into the maw of egg, the weight of his crimes come spilling out as tears.

[sevendaughters]

Teary-eyed Ross from last night - I am getting serious vibes off him.

An obviously highly skilled chef who works in a nursing home producing his delights for a bunch of filthy rich demented old farts with three tastebuds between them after having spent a mysterious five years out of the country, and then breaking down in tears for no reason?

Let's just say it how it is. Ross charms the old fuckers, and when they write him into their wills his hand slips and, whoops, the polonium has gone in Morag's consommé and, whoops again, I've only gone and tripped over the cable of Nicola's life support.

And confronted with praise from Monica and Marcus and witnessing his lovely food disappear unappreciated into the maw of egg, the weight of his crimes come spilling out as tears.

I said to Mrs 7D maybe that was the first time anyone had eaten his food without dribbling it on themselves.

[touchingcloth]

I think it's disgusting that the BBC have allowed a serial killer onto our screens. It's like they've forgotten the whole Savile affair.

[touchingcloth]

Also, navy lass with her sailor-tier slop: "cooking for work is quite varied - it could be breakfast for 350, or a dinner party for 12".

WHAT. Fancy dinner for 12 war criminals, using my money? Do I get a bite?

[sevendaughters]

wasn't one of last year's finalists a Navy chef? Always banging on about doing little parties for the rear admiral. THAT'S where my bloody TAX is going!

[touchingcloth]

I think you're right. Give em hard tack and limes, and even that's too good for the gammy old tars.

[touchingcloth]

Jono's insane. Two puddings down and one of them was ants and the other one bones.

Grace Dent had the correct response with "u wot? Nah," but Tom Parker-Bowles has clearly been driven mad by the COVIDs so was all "brûlée in a bone? I haven't been out of the house palace since March, PUT IT IN MA GOB".

Also, TPB is starting to look quite a lot like Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Can't decide if he's more or less of a cunt, though.