CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit

[Fambo Number Mive]

I nearly lost my temper at a bloke who decided to push past me in the aisle to get to the till rather than go the other way down the aisle, go up the next aisle and go to the tills. He kept on walking and rather than have a confrontation I let him squeeze past, which forced me near a person paying for their shopping who had their nose exposed.

I regret not confronting them but I get the feeling most shouting at him to go the other way would probably have ended in him being violent.

The person who was paying for their shopping who had their nose exposed had spent ages dithering at the end of the first aisle while I was waiting for them to hurry up - I was in the middle of the aisle and at the other end were the tills, a maskless person was paying for their shopping so I was keen to get as far away from them as possible.

So I feel your shopping trip pain Blue Jam, it's so demoralising how some people will happily put others at risk. I hated grocery shopping even before the pandemic. Now even more it makes me feel like I live among selfish wankers whereas you don't notice the not so selfish ones. Having said that there was another shopper who impressed me with their distancing.

I'm also feeling very guilty about ordering so many books from Amazon - but they are the only place I can find where I can choose a delivery day, meaning I can go out for walks (and to work once that starts). It's eating up a lot of money at the moment but I live on my own and aside from the same old walks, watching stuff on the internet (running out of things to watch on Prime and Netflix, and I've cancelled Britbox to save money), the occasional Zoom call and doing weights there is nothing else to do. It's much harder to shop ethically when the charity shops are closed and you're indoors all day on your own.

[Retinend]

Try to stay connected with friends on Facebook, but it's just full of people banging on about

having a merry christmas "despite everything!!!!1!"

and the disconnect I feel from such sentiments seems physically painful.

If it makes you feel better, I've said "having a Merry Christmas despite everything" to countless people although it's not true. I think some people like me just feel the obligation to say it in order to lighten the mood. It definitely doesn't feel like Christmas, that's for sure, but it's easier to be positive than negative when you're engaging in social media at this time. Who wants to be the party-pooper? Well, for someone like me it's an ingrained habit, as I've got to talk to a lot of people at work and I tend to tell people what they want to hear - it's a good rule of thumb. But sometimes it contributes to a conspiracy of silence or even denial, and means that honest answers have to be posted anonymously to a forum like this.

Reading this thread has been very emotional for me because you are all very good people, and you're my kind of people, and should not be made to worry so much for the future based on one mad, bad, sad year. I hope we can all start to put it behind us starting tonight. Happy New Year.

[Glebe]

I've been lucky this year really, was out of work for a few months but got another one quite quickly, but just got the news one of my cousins is in intensive care with Covid and it's not looking good, Christ she's only in her mid forties with a teenage son, obviously none of her family can see her, it's fucking horrible and if I see anyone saying this is a hoax I will most likely kick their fucking teeth out

Very sorry to hear it JarrowMonkey and best wishes.

Cheers everyone. Just had another shopping trip that made me thankful I didn't have a rocket launcher to hand. Some miserable "screw the rules, I'm old" type tried to queue jump, lecturing me on how I needed to get behind her because I was standing on the wrong spot or something, and I told her nice try, end of the queue's about five people behind me mate. I went to the next available till and she went to the one next to me and gave me a dirty look, while getting several more dirty looks from all the people behind me she had just cut in front of, all probably quite dismayed at Hogmanay being cancelled and just wanting to get their New Year champagne in and get the fuck home. I know it's such a petty and minor thing but people getting so confrontational and aggressive over such minor things really gets me down. It just reminds me of the time I lived in London and the "every man for himself" attitude which eventually made me get the fuck out of there.

Carrying my shopping home I saw a woman walking a very pretty Golden Retriever off the lead, bounding straight for me. I decided to do the Covid Fandango first and stepped into the road, and the woman thanked me profusely, saying "Sorry, I was just about to do that but I've got the dog off the lead, thank you so much!" I said "No problem, Happy New Year!" as I was reminded that nice polite people and very pretty dogs still exist. It's not all bad.

Happy New Year xxx

I nearly lost my temper at a bloke who decided to push past me in the aisle to get to the till rather than go the other way down the aisle, go up the next aisle and go to the tills. He kept on walking and rather than have a confrontation I let him squeeze past, which forced me near a person paying for their shopping who had their nose exposed.

I felt particularly stressed earlier in the year when people where still doubtful about it all and there was no mandatory wearing of masks on transport and in shops, etc.

[JarrowMonkey]

Thanks Glebe, just had a text from my sister, there has been an improvement, she's down from 100% to 60% oxygen, they have said she isn't out of the woods,  but they are pleased with her progress

[Glebe]

Thanks Glebe, just had a text from my sister, there has been an improvement, she's down from 100% to 60% oxygen, they have said she isn't out of the woods,  but they are pleased with her progress

Very glad to hear that, everything crossed...

[jobotic]

Yeah hope she gets through it.

It's so scary here. Kent hospitals having to send patients as far away as Plymouth as they are way over capacity. Been in Tier 3,then lockdown, then Tier 4 and cases just go up and up. Schools been off for two weeks and made no difference. Quite extensive asymptomatic testing too.

Just want these cunts to not fuck up vaccine provision so my parents in their seventies get them sooner rather than later.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Felt more and more low the past couple of days. Couldn't sleep last night. Went to the grocery store at 6:40am just after it opened and someone walked in without their mask, I had to try and guess where they were in the store so I could try and avoid them.

I really need to pull myself together and start getting my shopping delivered, I'm just not good with change and I've been going to that store weekly since April.

The vaccine shitshow has really disappointed me, combined with this new strain. Just felt like there was some hope in November and early December and it's gone now. I can tell my MH is slipping and I haven't even gone back to work yet.

At least it's sunny out there. Will go and have a walk.

[Captain Crunch]

I'm also feeling very guilty about ordering so many books from Amazon - but they are the only place I can find where I can choose a delivery day, meaning I can go out for walks (and to work once that starts). It's eating up a lot of money at the moment but I live on my own and aside from the same old walks, watching stuff on the internet (running out of things to watch on Prime and Netflix, and I've cancelled Britbox to save money), the occasional Zoom call and doing weights there is nothing else to do. It's much harder to shop ethically when the charity shops are closed and you're indoors all day on your own.

If you've got a Kindle, there's lots of tips on making the most of it in this thread.

If you prefer physical books you can buy direct from amazon sellers without using amazon.  Some of the big second hand sellers are a bit more ethical.  I'm not going to do a Cook Report on them but saving books from landfill, free books for kids, recycling etc.  For example:

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb

https://www.bookdepository.com/

For shopping, all I can say is it's universal.  I do mine very late in the day so it's quiet but you'll always get people without masks.  Sorry that's not exactly comforting is it? 

Best to you. 

[canadagoose]

Felt more and more low the past couple of days. Couldn't sleep last night. Went to the grocery store at 6:40am just after it opened and someone walked in without their mask, I had to try and guess where they were in the store so I could try and avoid them.

I really need to pull myself together and start getting my shopping delivered, I'm just not good with change and I've been going to that store weekly since April.

The vaccine shitshow has really disappointed me, combined with this new strain. Just felt like there was some hope in November and early December and it's gone now. I can tell my MH is slipping and I haven't even gone back to work yet.

At least it's sunny out there. Will go and have a walk.

Sorry you're not feeling so great. I can at least highly recommend getting your shopping delivered, although if you do, I'd still go out for a walk or two every week. I much prefer it myself, especially because of the greater range of gluten free stuff online than in the local shops.

2nd January is miserable, isn't it? It looks nice outside at least, as it's snowed again. I can't be arsed to shower and I'm too tired to get out of bed, etc etc, you know the drill. I wonder if there's post today? My Raspberry Pi might be arriving. That'd be nice.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Thank you both, very useful advice.

Went for a walk to try and get some sun and am now listening to That Does Suit Madam. Feeling a little better.

[Blue Jam]

The Book Depository are great, aye.

Was feeling really low for the first few hours of New Year's Day. Went to bed and was crying and wondering if I'm just emotionally FUBAR. Or maybe I should continue with my plan of getting off antidepressants for good but also pay for some therapy instead before I eventually drifted off.

Woke up and did a Google search for CBT therapists in Edinburgh. Then remembered Covid and how all the sessions would have to be remote. Then remembered it was 2021 and we have those apps these days, went to the Google Play Store and found Woebot:

https://woebothealth.com

It's 100% free, with no in-app purchases. Can't be that great, right? No, stop your negative thinking right there. It's a little tool which allows you to track your moods and keep a gratitude diary, via little chats with an AI.

The really clever thing though is the language that AI uses- it seems those Stanford psychologists have trained it to be really positive and upbeat and reassuring. The little chatbot genuinely does radiate a bit of a feelgood factor.

Only been using it for two days but I've been finding it really helpful to have a daily five-minute "check-in" and to spend that time reflecting on nice things. I've certainly found it more helpful than Headspace. And again, it's free.

Went for a nice New Year's walk in the snow with Mr Jam yesterday. Saw a sausage dog. Seeing a sausage dog always makes my day, but yesterday I guess it technically made my whole year. And I'm lying there- I actually saw three sausage dogs. Put that straight in the feelgood diary. Was nice to just picture their sweet faces and funny little legs tbh. Just a small thing but it really helped.

[Zetetic]

If you prefer physical books you can buy direct from amazon sellers without using amazon.  Some of the big second hand sellers are a bit more ethical.  I'm not going to do a Cook Report on them ...

The slightly depressing punchline is that Book Depository is 100% owned by Amazon (and has been for a decade).

[Blue Jam]

Oh bollocks. I've been buying stuff from them for over a decade and did not know that.

Of course I now own an Amazon Kindle and buy most of my eBooks from Amazon. I'm probably not the best person to ask.

[Zetetic]

I think they're still somewhat operationally independent. We can never fully extract ourselves from all this[nb]And Amazon is now one of the most of difficult.[/nb] but that doesn't mean it was not good to have tried.

[Bernice]

Couldn't sleep last night, lay in bed imagining suicide by just stuffing lumps of wet earth into my mouth until I choke. It was so absurdly unpleasant that it eventually became almost funny. Wet sod ballast, the tickle of a bit of dead leaf, earthworm mortar. Ho ho ho.

[sirhenry]

Of course I now own an Amazon Kindle and buy most of my eBooks from Amazon.

You could try z-library (https://z-lib.org/). Even if they turn out to be owned by Amazon[nb]I can't see why they would be.[/nb], at least you aren't giving them any money. Unless you read more than 10 books a day.

[Blue Jam]

You could try z-library (https://z-lib.org/). Even if they turn out to be owned by Amazon[nb]I can't see why they would be.[/nb], at least you aren't giving them any money. Unless you read more than 10 books a day.

Nice, cheers. Lots of textbooks in there, and while they're in PDF format which doesn't work well on my old but trusty Kindle Paperwhite original, they should work well in full colour on my tablet, and I had been meaning to learn a bit more physics. I never did it at A level because I didn't know that's when all the cool stuff about radioactivity and relativity comes in. Cheers!

[Glebe]

Couldn't sleep last night, lay in bed imagining suicide by just stuffing lumps of wet earth into my mouth until I choke. It was so absurdly unpleasant that it eventually became almost funny. Wet sod ballast, the tickle of a bit of dead leaf, earthworm mortar. Ho ho ho.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now Bernice. I took a walk in the cold and dark a little while ago and felt really down. Then I came home and clumsily banged me head off a door frame just to really top the day off. Big gash in me head. Nevertheless, onwards and upwards!

[Bernice]

Ah I'm okay, all up and down but despair and misery aren't the defaults. Just a dark night of the soul.

I was terribly excited to read about your big gash.

[Glebe]

I was terribly excited to read about your big gash.

They're all delighted to read about my big gash by the time etc.

[H-O-W-L]

Now I have a meeting about my MH absence today in about an hour. Not sure what to say or how to think going in. Fuck it all

[Glebe]

Now I have a meeting about my MH absence today in about an hour. Not sure what to say or how to think going in. Fuck it all

Best of luck Howlie.

[Captain Crunch]

Lots of textbooks in there, and while they're in PDF format which doesn't work well on my old but trusty Kindle Paperwhite original, they should work well in full colour on my tablet, and I had been meaning to learn a bit more physics.

You can turn them into any format using this handy site:

https://www.online-convert.com/

[H-O-W-L]

Best of luck Howlie.

Cheers. The meeting was ultimately just a load of cankicking bollocks, but my manager all but said to me "Oh, if you're not feeling better with CBT techniques and you can't get your therapist, why don't we ask occupational health to get you medication?" despite me previously explaining I'm in a risk group for taking SSRIs -- and this is why my doctor didn't suggest them to me.

Gonna quit the job, honestly. A living-wage (hah!) retail job isn't worth it. I asked about resignation and they said it's a valid option, and I honestly am not going to go to several of those meetings just to explain that I feel crap and don't want to be back just yet.

[Blue Jam]

Do what ya gotta do HOWL x

You can turn them into any format using this handy site:

https://www.online-convert.com/

Thanks, but the issue isn't the format, it's the Kindle Paperwhite itself. You can read PDFs on them but they just don't look very nice, the graphics aren't sharp and the text isn't crisp- there was an option to increase the contrast but a firmware update removed that some years ago. The e-ink and the backlit screen are however lovely for e-books, much nicer than the harsh light of a tablet or phone running the Kindle app. Best to have both I reckon. Cheers all the same.

[dr_christian_troy]

I'm struggling today. Bad thoughts, that kind of thing. Feeling anxious and punishing myself that I've been smoking and drinking too much recently. I keep setting myself goals to move to be more proactive and positive, trying to be healthy, but it's getting harder.

[Sin Agog]

I'm struggling today. Bad thoughts, that kind of thing. Feeling anxious and punishing myself that I've been smoking and drinking too much recently. I keep setting myself goals to move to be more proactive and positive, trying to be healthy, but it's getting harder.

There was an article recently on that dodgy website, bbc.co.uk I think it's called, in which a student said she'd treat this lockdown differently by not mentally punishing herself for not being productive enough, as the entire world's on hold so it matters not a whit if she spends most of the day streaming Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman and eating cookies.  She has a point.  It's like when I used to feel less guilty as a kid for fartarsing around indoors whenever it rained.  Lean into it.

[Glebe]

I'm struggling today. Bad thoughts, that kind of thing. Feeling anxious and punishing myself that I've been smoking and drinking too much recently. I keep setting myself goals to move to be more proactive and positive, trying to be healthy, but it's getting harder.

Big, warm hugs and hang in there Dr. Troy, you're not alone. I've been sleeping late and having bad dreams and that, the cold and dark don't make the pandemic any easier to cope with.

[Sebastian Cobb]

You could try z-library (https://z-lib.org/). Even if they turn out to be owned by Amazon[nb]I can't see why they would be.[/nb], at least you aren't giving them any money. Unless you read more than 10 books a day.

libgen is good too.

I think hive are supposed to be an ethical book dealer. I bought a book off them the other day, they donated some of it to a local bookshop.

[flotemysost]

Re: ordering books ethically - Bookshop.org launched a couple of months ago and follows a similar model to Hive in that the money goes to local/independent booksellers. These places are really going to need help at the moment, I work in bookselling and the slice of the pie that Amazon has right now is bigger than ever (unsurprisingly).

I've kind of just resigned myself to seeing loads of people not wearing masks properly or respecting distancing at the supermarket. It's still very stressful but hoping for change just feels a bit futile. I kind of want to get a custom-made mask with "YOUR FACE ISN'T THAT GREAT, JUST WEAR YOUR MASK PROPERLY" printed on it.