CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit

[El Unicornio, mang]

Sounds like a good place for the next CaB Newcastle meet.

This could be us come late June. Get excited.

[bgmnts]

Can't wait to not go out like crazy in June.

Hopefully it gets so bad there's no more wildlife or planets for me to get pissed off at the destruction of. Just me and the wasteland.

[Glebe]

This could be us come late June. Get excited.

Ledge, Daz and friends doing their bit, there.

[The Mollusk]

I dunno if it's any consolation to you Mollusk, but my anxiety has been through the roof for ages, it comes and goes and I feel like I just can't tough it out any more. In any case, hang on in there mate, the numbers appear to be dropping and the vaccine offers some hope.

It's bittersweet, since I think you're wonderful and hate to hear you're having a shit time of it, but it helps in the sense that this place has been a great hub of togetherness and comfort for me over the last 14 years and I do feel a bit better in having my internal horrors identified by others here. Big love to you, my man.

I do wonder about clubs. From what I could see the numbers of people who go clubbing had been on decline before all this kicked off anyway. I can imagine quite a few of them never returning.

As far as London's concerned, I would imagine the smaller or more independent places are at very high risk of being totally strangled out by big corporate shite, even more so than they were before the pandemic potentially gutted them, which was already really fucking bad.

[Consignia]

Sorry to bump this thread with some self-indulgence but Ken made a Lazarus-like recovery and is now back with us recovering. Thanks for being nice everyone.

Hooray. So glad to hear. Long live Ken.

[Blue Jam]

No-one actually likes clubbing though do they? I think you just pretend until you get to a certain age and think "Nah, this is bollocks isn't it?" and there's this sense of sweet relief. That's why all the superclubs are gone and you get more people going to small bars where the drinks aren't overpriced and watered down and there's no dress code and you can actually hear what your friends are saying.

I've never been a fan of crowded pubs either. I always like to go to them on a quiet midweek evening to read my Kindle and get accosted by a cute dog. Either that or going on a Sunday afternoon to read all the Sunday supplements and get accosted by a cute dog. Being in a Wetherspoons on a Friday night with standing room only and a massive queue for the ladies' was what I did in my underage drinking days, it certainly isn't my idea of fun now.

The old man pub experience > clubbing.

Seriously though, the experience of live music is something I miss. I had been planning to make an effort to go to more gigs in 2020 and that went right out the window. Thinking of how many music venues were struggling even before the pandemic really makes me wish I could go out and support them too.

[the]

No-one actually likes clubbing though do they?

I tried about 20 more diplomatic responses here but just ended up back at "Oh fuck off", truly sorry about that

[bgmnts]

No one actually likes live music though do they?

[chveik]

I tried about 20 more diplomatic responses here but just ended up back at "Oh fuck off", truly sorry about that

the only response that statement deserved really

[mobias]

No-one actually likes clubbing though do they? I think you just pretend until you get to a certain age and think "Nah, this is bollocks isn't it?" and there's this sense of sweet relief.

I definitely feel too old for clubbing here in Edinburgh. Simply because there are no clubs here that aren't filled with kids. Its very different over in Glasgow. There's a vibrant clubbing scene for clubbers of
a certain vintage, lets say. I feel less out of place at them and they're good nights. Whether or not I've got the energy for it these days is another matter. If the mood takes then I can quite happily enjoy a boogie to some good tunes.

Hate busy loud bars with a passion. I've never seen the point at being in a bar where I can't hear anyone. Even thinking about it now fills me with dread.

[non capisco]

Can't wait to get back out there and show all these young whippersnappers how to cut a rug, my acquired lockdown ballast billowing with exertion. Wriggle like a snake, waddle like a duck, that's what you do when you're newly fat as fuck.

[flotemysost]

Sorry to hear you're struggling Mollusk, to be honest I think lots of people will be feeling similar anxieties on some level at the moment - even the ones who are gleefully blitzing WhatsApp with memes about getting shitfaced and hitting the clubs. For one, I'd be incredibly surprised if that actually is on the cards by June, but it seems more realistic that even a gradual foray into socialising again over the next few months is going to be a fairly fucking weird and scary adjustment for everyone.

And I think I get what you mean about how this situation has shifted the tone of friendships. In quite a few of my WhatsApp groups at the moment, several times a week someone will invariably drop a generically supportive message - "Another week down!", "We've got this *flexed bicep emoji*", and so on. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I really do appreciate my friends' efforts to keep everyone afloat, and I know loads of people don't have any kind of support unit, but... at the same time, I'm sort of sick of friendships existing in this brittle limbo where the original points of commonality and shared experiences that they were based on now just feel really upsettingly far away. As you say, I truly miss just chatting about stupid inconsequential bollocks. We're told to not bottle things up when we feel shit and to talk to people, and while I certainly don't disagree in the grand scheme of things, I know that if did that at the moment every time I felt low, by now, I'd just be a constant daily irritating miserable burden on everyone I care about, and I don't want to be that. I'm scared of forgetting how to be/have fun. (Apologies for being an irritating burden on here instead!)

It is a really bizarre, overwhelming and frightening time, for everyone I think, regardless of where they stand on the "wanting to go back to normal" scale. I'm really sorry you're struggling too Glebe, I can imagine this must be an absolutely awful time for anyone who suffers with anxiety and I hope that as you say, the positive bits of news are offering some respite.

The fate of smaller and independent venues (pubs, clubs, theatres, bars) is a real worry for me too and it's one of the things that makes me less sure about actually wanting a return to 'normality' if 'normal' doesn't contain these places. I'm donating to crowdfunders where I'm aware of them/when I remember, and a few places I used to like going to in London (the RVT, the Union Chapel, the Black Heart in Camden) seem to have been pulled back from the brink for the time being but realistically I don't know how long these places can stick it out until they can safely open as before, especially as London rents seem as vicious as ever.

[Blue Jam]

I definitely feel too old for clubbing here in Edinburgh. Simply because there are no clubs here that aren't filled with kids. Its very different over in Glasgow. There's a vibrant clubbing scene for clubbers of a certain vintage, lets say.

Yes, that's what I was getting at. I never liked the dress-to-impress superclub type places, the places I enjoy are the smaller, friendlier, more laidback ones. I've found plenty to enjoy in Embra though. Summerhall used to put on some good nights like Grownups, the Belle Angele was good and I enjoyed the Bowie Birthday Party thing they did, and downstairs at The Argyle/The Cellar Monkey had some top Northern Soul, funk and eclectic nights. I've enjoyed a few Fringe events too, like Crap Music Rave Party and the Cassette boy vs DJ Rubbish thing. The proper big full-on superclub experience was never for me though. And I've always had an aversion to any place with a dress code.

The fate of smaller and independent venues (pubs, clubs, theatres, bars) is a real worry for me too and it's one of the things that makes me less sure about actually wanting a return to 'normality' if 'normal' doesn't contain these places.

Yes, this.

[Chedney Honks]

I've been shit faced or just steadily drinking so much in the past year, I have absolutely no desire to go out and do that in a pub. I'll go for a few in a beer garden maybe and then back to my mate's or back to ours or something. I'm looking forward to going back to Arcade Club with some mates and my bros. I'm really looking forward to going out to eat, I have to be honest. I'm bored to death of cooking for some reason and I really like going out to eat in Manchester or Liverpool. We hardly ever get takeaways because we did too much of that first lockdown and bored of it. I would like to go back to the cinema and see something good. I'm not too stressed by the people thing because I've been masked up and in daily contact with people for nine months now with work. I'm looking forward to going away for a couple of nights in the Lakes or something. The closer it gets, the more I am thinking about stuff I'd like to do, in fact.

The hardest, most curious bit is exactly what Mollusk touched on about almost having to rebuild some friendships. Contact with some mates has gone very cold and I don't really look forward to seeing them. Some I've muted on social media because I find them annoying now rather than an endearing gobshites. Anyone who's ever uttered some vaguely conspiratorial shit is completely dead to me. Maybe I'll soften in time and have some sympathy but I don't think so. I don't have any issues with being in contact with people as a whole, but I'm nervous about meeting up with a group of friends and finding that I just don't care about some of them and vice versa.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

when we can actually go back to the pub, it's not just going to be business as usual, it's going to be absolutely fucking mental. I live in London and I hate the vast swathes of dickheads you get swelling out beer gardens in summertime as it is. Those sorts of places feel like they will be a total no-go for me for a very long time.

If it's anything like last year there may be an initial rush but it will take quite a while to encourage people out in the longer run. Additionally with all the home working and lack of tourists I bet there will be some remarkably peaceful and quiet pubs in central London for a change (not good for them as businesses of course).

[mobias]

Contact with some mates has gone very cold and I don't really look forward to seeing them. Some I've muted on social media because I find them annoying now rather than an endearing gobshites. Anyone who's ever uttered some vaguely conspiratorial shit is completely dead to me.

This lockdown has been different to the first for me. I found in the first lockdown friends were going unusually out of their way to be in contact. There was a sense that everyone needed a bit of collective reassurance. With this lockdown I've hardly heard from any of my friends since Christmas. Everyone seems to have a bit more of a bunker mentality and are keeping their heads down just to get through the winter.

It definitely seems to be a time when people are re-evaluating their lives and friendships. I've come to the conclusion there's certain people and situations in my life I want to move on from. Coming out of this lockdown seems like a great time to do that.   

[Chedney Honks]

Yeah, I totally recognise all of that. Very familiar pattern at the this end. On the other hand, it has also got me back in regular contact with some mates who I'd lost touch with a bit through living further apart. That's been a real bonus.

When I say I've lost touch or fallen out with some mates, there's really only two I have in mind. I'd happily just crack on. It's more that at some point, because we're part of a slightly larger group (6/7 lads I've been mates with for 20+ years), I'm going to have to either pretend which I've never had to before or address it which won't do any good besides make things awkward for the group. I'm hopeful that in person I find them more endearing again.

[Cuellar]

I cannae wait until coronavirus is finished so I can get back into the clubs and dance my socks off!

[Norton Canes]

This lockdown has been different to the first for me. I found in the first lockdown friends were going unusually out of their way to be in contact. There was a sense that everyone needed a bit of collective reassurance. With this lockdown I've hardly heard from any of my friends since Christmas. Everyone seems to have a bit more of a bunker mentality and are keeping their heads down just to get through the winter

If last summer's lockdown was characterized - on the surface, at least - by a cheery, communal WWII blitz spirit, this one's been more like a winter in the trenches, desperately hoping it's safe to put our heads above the parapet. 

It definitely seems to be a time when people are re-evaluating their lives and friendships. I've come to the conclusion there's certain people and situations in my life I want to move on from. Coming out of this lockdown seems like a great time to do that

Right now I feel like I'd actually prefer to do less with my life once I regain the opportunity to do more.

[The Mollusk]

Many thanks for your words of understanding, gang. The tedious spirit of togetherness is definitely felt best here where we can all be eloquently cynical and downbeat and anxious and unenthused. It's helped me a lot.

[phes]

Had a bit of a tricky ten days after falling down the stairs. Well, I didn't even fall down them, my feet slipped from under me on the bottom step and I crashed back, ribs and kidneys first onto the wooden step ridges. So it's been 10 days in and out of A&E as they check and re-check internals and try to get a grip on the pain. Thankfully, now, it seems all is relatively well and i'm on the mend. But the ten days of inadequate painkillers (excrutiating, paralysing pain), then alcohol to compensate, then opiates once they upped the painkillers, then constipation, then urine retention (cue another visit to A&E) etc has been testing. It has caused a lot of lability, the trauma, shock, drugs (esp opiates) etc and so it has been a bit of a time and i pre-warned friends to not be surprised by receiving unusual, oblique, elated, disinhibited or even slightly worrying messages from me.

Worst of all really is that it was work that had been keeping me relatively happy and sane through lockdown - and so i'm reminded how extraordinarily lucky I am to have a job, that I love, with people I like (and that giving me enough money to hop in ubers to A&E when required). And not having that, and fretting about not having that and how i'll cope returning to that has been the worst. I'm hoping to return on light duties this Friday. I'm nervous about it because the physical and emotional trauma isn't really that visible. But my team are a great bunch of lads so I have my fingers crossed that things will slowly return at least to lockdown normal, which obviously is shite, but manageable. 

Solidarity with everyone having a tough time. I have been following this thread but am too selfish to offer much until i decided to tell you I fell down the stairs like a fucking nitwit.

[Glebe]

Oh dear phes, sorry to hear that. Glad you're on the mend and hope you heal up quick.

[Retinend]

Yikes. Get well soon, mate.

[Barry Admin]

Yeah, well this all fucked me up, honestly. Basically haven't left the flat since it started, and just buried myself away in a very absorbing videogame. Had to take a break from this place for a while too. Went from being super active to a vegetable. Refuse to get on buses, basically just go to the corner shop and that's it. Need to get myself back out walking.

I dunno, whole thing is fucking insane,.still dunno how to react to it or deal with it. I go to the corner shop every day or two and just want to choke the dumb bastards who still aren't wearing masks or social distancing.

[Glebe]

Sorry to hear that BA. I've avoided public transport as much as possible since Christmas. Just doing shopping at the local supermarket.

[Kankurette]

I've coped better with lockdown than I thought I would, I'm still alive for a start, but the past couple of weeks have been a bit shit. I had nasal polyp surgery last month and at my follow-up appointment with the doctor, it turned out that what they thought was a polyp was a bony growth called an osteosarcoma. In other words, bone cancer. The cunt had been growing slowly for 2 years. Luckily it was low-grade and they got it before it metastasised but it was still a shock. I did wonder why I was out so long and why my nose took ages to heal, as polyp surgery is quite straightforward. I've got to have scans and then another op, can't remember why. They've cut it out but I think they want to stop it coming back.

I know I'm not dying or owt but finding out I'd had cancer was a huge shock. Luckily I have a very supportive family. But at the time I just felt so scared and lonely.

[Glebe]

Yikes Kankurette... just glad things have turned out okay. Hugs mate.

[The Mollusk]

Some hugs for all of you:

phes - You're one of my fave posters and I always enjoy reading your informed and articulate opinions, especially in Comedy Chat, so fucking look aftet yourself and don't ever fall down any stairs ever again you wazzock.

Baz Admin - As you've seen from my posts in this subforum I've been dealing with this whole thing with similar levels of shut-in anxiety and unabashed vitriol to those who aren't following the rules, but despite the frequent feelings that my mind is eroding away and I no longer exist or that I want to hoof in peoples' faces on the tube whilst loudly singing the "Toreador" aria from "Carmen" for not wearing their masks over their noses, I still maintain that getting outside is a fucking huge deal for keeping your grip on reality. Try to look past those difficulties and keep in mind that you're doing the right thing, and you've done more than enough to deserve the exercise you should be getting.

Convincing yourself that walking round the block for 10 mins is going to make a world of difference to your day is hard going, but I assure you that it does. Try to get somewhere that's quite an open space and just take in the expanse of it, look up at the sky, watch the birds fly over. On some subconscious level it really helps remind you that you're connected to something magnificent. The vast majority of the human race is vermin but don't let them stand between you and the rest of the world, because you and the rest of the world are wonderful.

Kankurette - That's a really fucked up and weird situation to have gone through. You definitely have my sympathies but I'd say the hard part - receiving the news - is over and hopefully now you can plough through the rest of the procedure and they can make sure it's all out of your system. Very best of luck to you.

Glebe - You're so fucking lovely to everyone, I just wanted to call it as I see it. Your caring presence on here is just as treasured as your comedic output, which is likewise vast, plentiful and brilliant.



Cannot believe it's been a full year now since the UK lockdown was announced. It legit only feels like a few months or less have passed since the pandemic was starting to ramp up and my office was still open, much to everyone's growing concerns. I had an anxiety attack one afternoon, went and sat in the empty conference room and just couldn't keep a lid on how panicked and uncertain I was feeling. I went home early at my manager's insistence and we had an email the next morning saying the offices would be closed until further notice. Then, after 7 months of absolute existential hell stuck on furlough pay, I was laid off at the end of October.

So much has happened for me in the last few months. Volunteering for the Blue Cross and getting a new job and moving house amidst all of this has been really weird, and not seeing any of my friends or being able to go to gigs every week has damaged my outward personality a great deal, but even more than all that, it's what's been going on in my head that's truly immense. Coming to terms with the fact that I've had ADHD for my entire life and how much that has affected me - in almost immeasurable and unfeasible ways - and being stuck with that brain which won't shut up for 7 months of furlough was borderline maddening. The meandering paths my brain has got lost on during empty, silent days and sleepless nights are insurmountable. The good sides to this have been unlocking doors to my empathy, compassion and consideration I never thought possible, but the negative areas have been crushing. I think about death often already, as it's a concept which perpetually mystifies and terrifies me, but throughout the last year more than any other point in my life I have contemplated wanting to kill myself to the extent that some might call "worrying". Thankfully it's far less thoughts of an actual game plan and more just the abstract of "What if I wasn't here any more, what if I didn't have to suffer like this any more?" but in all honesty, there were certainly a good few occasions when my own answer to those questions had been "That would be fucking bliss".

Beacons of strength and light can come in many forms and I'm eternally grateful for the ones I've got - people, cats, songs, the colour yellow - and for their immense anchorage that every single day keeps snagging my ankle as I'm about to head for the door and I laugh and succumb to their smiles and stick around. I don't think I could ever even really get to the door - let along walk through it - since I'm much too scared of it, and the world, brutally fucked and full of cunts though it is, is still too beautiful for me to want to leave.

I didn't expect to suddenly reel off this much but I guess it's been on my mind a fair bit, so just to round off this post I want to say thanks to everyone here who's been supportive to me and to anyone else through all this. The wit and wisdom of this place has been a rigid tent pole across the last 12 months as the world blows a gale outside, and so even though we've still got so much left to work through, CaB continues to help me feel optimistic that one day things will be fucking great again.

[Glebe]

Mollusk, please don't do anything stupid, we'd never forgive you. I've felt at my lowest this past year, it's a fucking difficult time. Thank you for your kind words, btw, massive hugs for you.

[Blue Jam]

Starting a new job in July and have been ordered to use up the ton of annual leave I have accrued from being unable to actually go out anywhere. Just had a week off werk and went on a little health kick- no booze, healthy food, making smoothies for breakfast and doing a lot of running. I suppose all that's good but apart from the running I've really just been sat around the house and I feel like I've achieved fuck-all this week. Taking a week off work when you've got nothing to do with it is a bit soul-destroying.

The weight loss is also infuriatingly slow, looks like I'm still paying for the year I spent taking venlafaxine. Since coming off it in December I've gone from being a constantly tired sweaty beachball to just a beachball, which is something I guess.

Just feel like drinking wine and playing video games today, and I can barely find the motivation to even do that. Also got two books on the go and struggling to finish both, got a kind of Readers' Block which still hasn't lifted after a year.

I feel bad for whining when you all have it so much worse but I just felt the need to vent, sorry. Just got this crushing feeling of nothingness pressing down on me and stopping me getting off my arse.

Big hugs to you all xxx