Author Topic: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit  (Read 21701 times)

greencalx

  • Never knowingly knowledgeable
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #270 on: March 27, 2021, 03:25:16 PM »
What’s the new job?

Talking of annual leave, I’m probably going to have to take most of the summer off. Hopefully we’ll be able to go... somewhere by then.

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #271 on: March 27, 2021, 03:49:56 PM »
What’s the new job?

I'm staying at Embra, I've just been redeployed as my contract was due to end. I'll be staying in the same department, just working for a different boss- and seeing my old boss every day. I'm also going up a pay grade, something which should have happened years ago. It's all a bit awkward, and it's hit home just how underappreciated I've felt. I know it sounds stupid, crying over a new job and a pay rise, but it's complicated so that's what I've been doing!

New job is also short-term, possibly got something more long-term lined up for when it ends but it's not guaranteed, and all this talk of cuts at UKRI and all the medical research charities having to tighten their belts is getting me very worried.

Fucking hell I feel like my problems are so trivial compared to some others here, but I still haven't been coping well. In my defence I had a very bad start to the year with some non-Covid illness (which is what kickstarted this whole healthy eating/running addiction midlife crisis thing). Arrrrgghh. Sorry guys.

As for holidays, Mr Jam and I have discussed a little city break or getting on a ferry to some Scottish isles or something, but a friend of ours made a joke on Facebook about how Centreparcs et al will be coining it in and now I think I'd rather just go to a spa hotel here for a weekend.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #272 on: March 27, 2021, 06:50:22 PM »
Just catching up on this thread and I'm so so sorry to hear about the horrendous shit people have been going through. Please, please nobody do anything harmful to yourselves. I don't know any of you but the mere existence of this place and the knowledge that such a wonderfully knowledgeable, empathetic, warm and endlessly inventive community of people exists has been a genuine tonic over the past year. Hugs to you all.

Blue Jam, congrats on the new job, but absolutely don't feel bad for airing your woes. Sort of similarly, I had a promotion a few months ago and I realise how insanely fucking privileged I am compared to so many re: employment, but likewise, it still feels a bit awkward and weird (it only came about because someone else left and probably the cheapest option was to ask me to cover - lots of people keep telling me I should have been promoted anyway years ago). In my case I'm really struggling with a year of working from home, absolutely no motivation and can't focus for shit - but then I hate myself for being so ungrateful and lazy when there are people losing their jobs and struggling to eat across the country.

So yeah, definitely don't feel guilty, I can absolutely relate - and likewise with the pressure to be productive with time off (something I've been admonishing myself for too). This is an unbelievably frightening, surreal and yet also very very boring time - it would be pretty unusual to have the same levels of motivation and energy and derive the same pleasure from things as we did before. We simply don't have the same surroundings, stimulus, interactions and circumstances at the moment, it's pretty much an entirely different world, so if your feelings and routine and motivations are different as well then that's absolutely understandable.

I think what's getting to me at the moment is the frustration - I know it's not the end of the world if I do absolutely fuck all useful or creative or productive in my spare time, but I don't want to be this person. Sick of feeling absolutely miles away from the things that I've sort of based my adult persona around, I already had massive insecurity around my identity and worrying about what people think of me - now that I'm basically just existing, recently I keep feeling like I don't exist, if that makes sense. It will get better, I know.

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #273 on: March 28, 2021, 12:37:06 PM »
Cheers flotemysost.

I've found working from home a real struggle too. Most of my job can't be done from home but I've struggled with the few bits that can be, got no motivation here either. I've never liked working from home anyway, I have a real need to "switch off" at the end of the day, to leave a workplace and go home, but when my workplace is home it messes with my head a bit.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #274 on: March 28, 2021, 01:20:03 PM »
Yeah, it's a real mindfuck (as I've mentioned on the various WFH threads).

I think it's particularly tough working from the same space that you sleep in, which I've done in both places I've lived during the pandemic - the layout of my previous flat meant there was no real separation or privacy in the main living areas, because the kitchen and dining area were one room, and then the living room was upstairs on a mezzanine - so if anyone was watching TV/talking on the phone/cooking/doing anything in any of those areas, the other person would hear everything, with it being a small flat anyway.

Living with a furloughed flatmate, who I got on with but wasn't especially close to (we'd only been living together a few months before lockdown) who never left the flat and spent all day either watching TV or talking loudly on video calls (completely understandably of course - not much else to do on furlough) meant the only way of getting privacy was working from my tiny bedroom and going absolutely stir crazy in the process.

Of course, there are loads of people in shared flats which don't even have a living room or shared dining area, thanks to greedy cunt landlords squeezing in an extra bedroom.

And now I'm in a studio flat, which is a bit better as I've got more space and (by default) more privacy, but it does still mean I'm working, eating, watching TV, sleeping and generally losing my mind in the same room. Moving definitely hasn't been the panacea I hoped it might be and it's proven that what I really miss is just being around other people and having a change of scenery and incidental mindless chat to remind me I still exist.

And yes, there's something oddly crushing about that feeling of closing your laptop at the end of the day and thinking "Right, what now?", with no journey home to decompress and switch off, no change of scenery or different people, just the same four walls but maybe a different screen. Obviously hugely grateful I have a job at all, and one that can be done without risking my safety, but yeah it does weird things to your head.

SpiderChrist

  • "the law of averages says you'll survive"
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #275 on: March 28, 2021, 02:13:28 PM »
And yes, there's something oddly crushing about that feeling of closing your laptop at the end of the day and thinking "Right, what now?", with no journey home to decompress and switch off, no change of scenery or different people, just the same four walls but maybe a different screen. Obviously hugely grateful I have a job at all, and one that can be done without risking my safety, but yeah it does weird things to your head.

I must admit that I am considering returning to the office for one day a week when I'm allowed - it'll be a Friday so a) it's a shorter day and b) I can go straight to The Devonshire Arms at 4pm for a few ales.

dr_christian_troy

  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Sapientia Sapienti Dona Data
    • PODNOSE - The UK's Leading Independent Entertainment Podcast Network
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #276 on: March 29, 2021, 09:56:05 AM »
I've handed in my notice at work, ending my Customer Service role after a 4 year stint with the same company. I never wanted to be in CS but have been stuck in a rotation of these kind of jobs for 18 years. I've always known what I wanted to do - something creative, being part of a community etc - and I just reached a point where if it comes to June and there's a vague revisit to normalcy, nothing would have changed for me (as I would still be working from home and still not happy with my job), so I've made an agreement with my mum (paying her rent upfront to cover the next few months, assisting with projects she is interested in pursuing) while I go all in on my creative pursuits. My dad, while technically supportive would never just turn around and say I support you, instead saying he's "just trying to be realistic" or "playing devil's advocate", so now I'm in the awkward position of not telling him the truth about leaving my job. It was either that or just losing my mind with customers who continuously demonstrate their lack of awareness that other people exist.

I'm going all in on my podcast work, pushing to monetise it through Patreon while applying for jobs that have some vague connection to creativity. It's never a good time to look for work generally, but seeing how sparse podcast-related jobs are (paying ones at that) at any given time, whether I take the risk now or 4 years ago or 4 years from now, it doesn't make much of a difference in relation to how regular those roles come up anyway.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2021, 10:59:42 AM by dr_christian_troy »

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #277 on: March 29, 2021, 10:13:17 AM »
sick of lockdown mate

Our toddler is (obviously) not in nursery at any point over the weekend and is with us all day long. Normally we'd take him to the park but this weekend I was lazy and watched TV and played indoors with him. He brought a pair of boots to me at one point. After I put him to bed on Sunday I realised he might've been telling me he wanted to go out. Just so fed up of there being nothing to do, outside as well as inside.

On Thursday, there was a chaos of feathers in the back garden and when I went out to look, there was pigeon there with a big chunk missing out of it and its neck seemingly broken. It was slowly dying. I put some clothes on and put it in a cardboard box with a pillow underneath and took it to the vet to get euthanised. Back garden used to be a place of rest and relaxation, but at the moment it feels like there's a trauma associated with it. I feel guilty too - like I didn't rush enough to get the bird euthanised. Really, I should have got a weapon and dispatched the bird myself asap. I said this to my gf and she said she didn't want me to have to deal with the memories of killing a bird.


She's not really merely my gf and baby momma any more. She opened a shared Monzo pot for our wedding fund. We've not told anyone. I know she wanted a nice engagement surprise but I think she got fed up waiting. Hard to do owt nice in COVID anyway. <3

The Mollusk

  • A number of deceased arachnids... and beans
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #278 on: March 30, 2021, 10:38:00 AM »
Mollusk, please don't do anything stupid, we'd never forgive you. I've felt at my lowest this past year, it's a fucking difficult time. Thank you for your kind words, btw, massive hugs for you.

Forgot I wrote that post, lol

Don't worry, I won't be doing owt daft. World's too beautiful to want to actually chuck it away. Weather's fuckin glorious today, looking forward to going to work in an hour and walking to the station listening to hardcore and grinning with the sun glint in my eyes.

Glebe

  • It was just a bad fortnight.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #279 on: April 01, 2021, 10:51:41 AM »
Forgot I wrote that post, lol

Don't worry, I won't be doing owt daft. World's too beautiful to want to actually chuck it away. Weather's fuckin glorious today, looking forward to going to work in an hour and walking to the station listening to hardcore and grinning with the sun glint in my eyes.

Delighted to hear it Molly (do you mind if you call you Molly? Right. Sorry!)!

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #280 on: April 01, 2021, 11:20:39 AM »
The world is far from beautiful and its full of suffering but there's no point being anything other than optimistic.

Retinend

  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • gettit done gettit on gettit done when you do it
    • I AM A CUCK (documentary)
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #281 on: April 01, 2021, 11:21:12 AM »
She's not really merely my gf and baby momma any more. She opened a shared Monzo pot for our wedding fund. We've not told anyone. I know she wanted a nice engagement surprise but I think she got fed up waiting. Hard to do owt nice in COVID anyway. <3

Congrats! We're also planning our wedding this year.

Retinend

  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • gettit done gettit on gettit done when you do it
    • I AM A CUCK (documentary)
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #282 on: April 01, 2021, 11:21:55 AM »
The world is far from beautiful and its full of suffering but there's no point being anything other than optimistic.

Are you sitting in a Parisian café, smoking, right now?

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #283 on: April 04, 2021, 09:27:13 PM »
edit - was v sad today. typing it was enough, I don't need you to read it. Nothing of note happened except for I was 'depressed'.

Glebe

  • It was just a bad fortnight.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #284 on: April 05, 2021, 12:44:24 AM »
Hope you're feeling better JaDanks.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #285 on: April 05, 2021, 12:49:03 PM »
Hope you're feeling better JaDanks.

Thanks. I feel fucking rotten. Anxiety and depression and I don't even know why. Gf doesn't like me because I was so unpleasant yesterday. Kid is with his grandma today and tomorrow so I'm gonna take a benzodiazepine now. Hopefully this isn't just kicking the problem down the road while also exacerbating it. But I need a break from my brain bullying itself.

Glebe

  • It was just a bad fortnight.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #286 on: April 05, 2021, 03:58:45 PM »
I suffer pretty bad with anxiety and have been on anti-depressants more than half my life. Lockdown isn't helping either, of course. Just trying to stay positive and look forward to things getting back to 'normal' at some point.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #287 on: April 05, 2021, 04:25:07 PM »
I think it might be because we're in this weird limbo where you can see your friends sort-of, but not comfortably, and nothing's open so there's still nothing to do, and it's sunny. Maybe now there's a light at the end of the tunnel, all the feelings I've repressed for the last year are emerging.

Glebe

  • It was just a bad fortnight.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #288 on: April 05, 2021, 04:47:08 PM »
I think it might be because we're in this weird limbo where you can see your friends sort-of, but not comfortably, and nothing's open so there's still nothing to do, and it's sunny. Maybe now there's a light at the end of the tunnel, all the feelings I've repressed for the last year are emerging.

It's not that all life's problems will be sorted when the lockdown (which is necessary, granted) eases, but some semblance of 'normal' life would be very welcome!

hamfist

  • Furry Asscandy
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #289 on: April 05, 2021, 06:24:58 PM »
I am struggling a bit at the moment faced with this opening up again. I don’t dare talk about this with my wife or mum as they’re excited for things becoming more normal. I liked having this “cover” to not have to go out & interact with people, I could just be myself and stay away from others - but now I’m going to have to start faking it again just to appear “normal” and to please other people. I don’t want to go anywhere, don’t want to have to engage with people and their friends, just really can’t bear that shit.

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #290 on: April 09, 2021, 10:04:45 PM »
I’m fed up tonight. My gout has come back. Time was it would only be once every couple of years. Now I’ve had it last September (ruining my birthday), very slightly a couple of months ago, and now. This time, I don’t know why. Only thing I can think of is that we had lamb a few days ago. I can’t eat fucking lamb now?! It’s not like we eat it all that much anyway, but I am so not down with “can’t eat it at all without the risk of excruciating pain.” I already can’t eat steak (that was my birthday) or roast beef (couple months ago). I’m eating healthily, only meat we habitually consume is chicken, beef or pork mince, or pork loin.

Hopefully I’ve caught it in time, before I end up laid up for a fortnight. But where is this going? There are medications I can take full time to stave it off, but I don’t want to. And the last time I discussed it with my doctor after that last really bad flare-up three years ago, it felt excessive. Now I’m beginning to wonder.

It sounds crazy, especially given we’re eating more and more vegetarian meals. But I just want to be able to have the occasional steak, some roast beef, barbecued lamb. Pot roast brisket.

I’m just hoping that a serious hit of Naproxen, drinking lots of water and a good night’s sleep with the foot elevated will do the trick. Bit of a wobble.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #291 on: April 09, 2021, 10:25:46 PM »
Work will be open to the public again on Monday and I'm shitting it like it was this time last year. I mean cases are way down here and we know what it's all about now but it all feels so disorganized and like management have just left us to it. Grr.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #292 on: April 11, 2021, 11:57:26 AM »
Not in a good place right now. I’m on the train to Liverpool to see my brother and on the bus, this angry guy got on and kicked off at the bus driver for calling him dirty. I was about to get off cos I was worried I’d miss my train if angry man held up the bus. Angry man yelled at the bus driver to hurry up and I said no, it’s OK, I didn’t want him beating up the driver on my account. Bus driver stops for a bit, angry man comes down and I immediately try to get off the bus cos I know he’ll kick off. Driver let’s me off and angry man offers to walk with me and shouts abuse at driver. I scream at him to stop, he’s making it worse. He turns on me, calls me a little slag, says he was trying to help. I get on bus and beg driver to go cos I’m scared angry man will get back on. I’m shaking and start crying. A nice bloke on front asks me if I’m ok. Bus driver then stops and has a go at me, saying angry man was the same yesterday and driver did nothing wrong. I try to explain that I’m not angry with the driver, and apologise. I get off in floods of tears and shaking like mad. I just wanted to catch a bus, FFS.

PMS + lockdown = emotions all over the place. Took me ages to calm down.

Glebe

  • It was just a bad fortnight.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #293 on: April 11, 2021, 01:36:15 PM »
Sorry you experienced that Kankurette and hope you're feeling better. Hugs to y'all else going through rough times too.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #294 on: April 11, 2021, 05:44:00 PM »
Thanks. I'm a bit calmer now, seeing my brother helped, but it freaked me out a lot because the guy was this close to attacking the bus driver, and then decided to focus on me instead, and it just upset me how quickly he turned on me.

I guess I feel guilty about reacting the way I did. I downplay my mental health a lot. Like right now, I feel a bit sad and empty because I haven't seen my family in ages, I worry none of my friends will ever want to see me again, but I think, "Oh stop whining you stupid bitch, you have it so easy." My parents love me and I wasn't abused as a child, I've never been in an abusive relationship, I have a home, I have a supportive family, my disability isn't bad enough to render me immobile, I haven't had COVID - at least, not severe enough for me to be in hospital, I think I had a mild dose but that was it - my breast scan yesterday was negative, I still have work and I WFH anyway, I'm white and middle-class, the tumour has been removed from my face, I SHOULDN'T be unhappy or depressed or frightened. And yet I am. A lot of the time I'm fine, then some days, it just hits me.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #295 on: April 11, 2021, 05:51:23 PM »
Fuck the sadness Olympics. You're allowed to feel sad. Billie Eilish is allowed to feel sad. The guy on the bus is allowed to feel sad. Don't invalidate your feelings. And fuck that aggressive man.  <3

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #296 on: April 11, 2021, 06:27:21 PM »
You shouldn't have to apologise for anything after having a breast scan, negative or not that's a hell of a thing to have on your mind. I had a minor scare once, didn’t need a scan and that was upsetting enough.

Stuff like that frightens me so much, these big aggressive men who know how frightened and powerless women feel and get off on it. *big hugs* to you Kankurette

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #297 on: April 11, 2021, 06:36:00 PM »
To be fair, it doesnt matter how relatively comfortable my life is, if I even step on a bit of lego then my life is shit and wish i would die. Happens to us all.

Sounds like a shit horrid experience and fuck people.

imitationleather

  • "The French... are famous... for their kissing"
    • http://last.fm/user/ImiLeathr
Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #298 on: April 11, 2021, 06:55:45 PM »
Stuff like that frightens me so much, these big aggressive men who know how frightened and powerless women feel and get off on it.

For a second there I thought this was referring to the doctors doing the breast scan!

Sorry to hear about that nasty experience, Kankurette.

Re: CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit
« Reply #299 on: April 11, 2021, 07:30:57 PM »
You shouldn't have to apologise for anything after having a breast scan, negative or not that's a hell of a thing to have on your mind. I had a minor scare once, didn’t need a scan and that was upsetting enough.

Stuff like that frightens me so much, these big aggressive men who know how frightened and powerless women feel and get off on it. *big hugs* to you Kankurette
Thanks. I did feel sad for the bus driver because the guy was being a total cunt to him and he'd done exactly the same last night. The bus driver was Asian, not sure if that had anything to do with it. The bus driver thought I was angry with him, probably because when I hopped back on I begged him to drive, but I wasn't and I kept trying to explain that I wasn't. I hate people who are just spoiling for a fight for no reason and want to take it out on random people, and no way in hell was I going to let an angry bloke threatening to batter a driver walk anywhere with me. Maybe he's got some tragic backstory, but fucking hell. No need for it. I think he genuinely thought he was doing me a favour by shouting at the bus driver on my behalf, telling him to hurry up because I needed to get my train, when he was the one holding the fucking bus up.

I didn't think there was anything wrong with my breast, it's more the fact I had a nasal tumour and didn't even know it was cancer until the doctor took it out and got it biopsied that bothers me. They've got to do more surgery in case it comes back, I've already had my CT and MRI. It was a real shock when I found out.

I'm short, overweight, not very physically strong and autistic, and I wear glasses. I don't look intimidating. I look like a librarian or someone's auntie. I wish I was tough and hard and mean and gave zero fucks, but I'm not and I envy people who are. I should take assertiveness/resilience training courses, I know. I got told once I played the victim and that stayed with me. But when I'm around people who are drunk/angry/aggressive, I get panicky because I don't know how to react and because they can turn on you so quickly. Like, ages ago a woman in a taxi queue got really abusive with me because she thought I was slagging her off, saying I should be locked up because I had purple DMs on and I thought she was going to kick off at me and luckily a really nice couple let me come in the taxi with them, but I dodged a bullet. The angry man was shouting abuse at me as the bus drove off.

Tags: