Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 08:19:15 AM

Login with username, password and session length

CaB Group Hug - it's ok to feel like shit

Started by MojoJojo, November 12, 2020, 10:35:39 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

flotemysost

Late to this but I'm really sorry to hear about your experience Kankurette, can only imagine how shaken you must have felt. And you definitely don't have to meet any criteria to be allowed to feel sad or shit - that's a truly crap thing to go through full stop. Hope you're doing OK.

Having said that, this feels like such a ridiculous, immature thing to be feeling sad and shit about - but I met up with a few work friends outdoors at the weekend. I've really missed them - hadn't seen some of them since the office closed in March 2020 and they're more than just colleagues, they're genuine close friends.

Anyway, so it was really really nice to see them in person and have a laugh and catch up, but... this is going to sound incredibly petty/bizarre/stupid... but it basically turns out everyone (of the single people in the group) apart from me has been getting laid throughout the past year. Like... how?! Am I a massive idiot, or is there just something really wrong with me? It's not like they've been dating millions of randoms, tbf - one girl has been hooking up with her ex, and another met someone through work (despite working from home all year!) - but they were talking about it like it was just really normal to be continuing to do this stuff throughout a pandemic. I don't know, maybe it is, and I'm just a complete boring loser? I genuinely don't know, but I just felt really stupid and sad. Literally cried the whole walk home like a fucking weirdo, and I'm not even sure why.

I think part of it is FOMOOF obviously, but also I think I'm worried I've got nothing interesting to bring to the table as a friend any more - like, I used to be the single one with funny stupid anecdotes, but for very obvious reasons nothing remotely lurid has been on my radar over the past year - but maybe now I'm just a bit of a nobody? I'm not on a moral high horse or anything like that, I'm not judging my friends. I just feel like a childish idiot. Like nothing that made me feel like a normal adult person is there any more, and I've basically just regressed to being a stupid, boring baby. A baby that works a 9-5 and drinks beer, admittedly, but not an independent interesting adult with her own life and stuff going on.

I know it's such a shallow and ridiculous thing to respond so dramatically and emotionally to. I know it's not a competition, and of course friendships are based on other, deeper stuff than that. I know dating and other single people aren't going anywhere either, and with any luck many more people will be vaccinated within a few months anyway, so it might actually be possible to meet someone in a non-distancing context without worrying that somebody might die as a result.

I also know that I have the immense privilege of being cishet, and I really do feel for anyone whose identity and sense of self has been much more seriously impacted by this situation - young queer people who aren't out to their families and have been stuck living at home, the lack of LGBTQ+ venues and spaces, or even for that matter just anyone who's been forced back into their childhood bedroom for months - that definitely does weird things to your sense of identity, and I can only imagine the mental toll of living in a home situation where you can't be yourself. And of course lots of people's sense of self has been hurt in far more lasting and profound ways by all the various shit that's happened. Just hit me a bit this weekend in a way I really wasn't expecting, a year of pent up frustration, not just physical but also about the uncertainty and sluggishness of this situation as a whole.

New page self indulgent twat

bgmnts

I mean, they're clearly in the wrong and part of the reason this has been so utterly shit for everyone.

I haven't done a shag in almost 2 years so stay strong. But yeah if you're out bonking during a pandemic you deserve a massive hernia.

SpiderChrist

#302
.

chveik

the trick is to have friends that are as miserable as you

peanutbutter

Quote from: flotemysost on April 20, 2021, 12:28:21 AM
Like... how?! Am I a massive idiot, or is there just something really wrong with me? It's not like they've been dating millions of randoms, tbf - one girl has been hooking up with her ex, and another met someone through work (despite working from home all year!) - but they were talking about it like it was just really normal to be continuing to do this stuff throughout a pandemic. I don't know, maybe it is, and I'm just a complete boring loser? I genuinely don't know, but I just felt really stupid and sad. Literally cried the whole walk home like a fucking weirdo, and I'm not even sure why.
Speaking as someone who probably had more sex last year than most years of my life (including nothing at all through my mid 20s), it's hugely just situational I think. A lot of people under  a certain age found themselves in situations where they were hardly seeing anyone at all asides from a very limited group whilst working from home so that odds absolutely shot up with the few people you were seeing that it'd wind up going that way.

But like, slightly different scenario and I wouldn't have had a hint of a chance in the past 12 months, different/no bubble, just me in a tiny studio apartment getting hooked on benzos, and I do kinda expect it to become a total mess at some point too. I'd definitely be much happier at this point in time being you than being the person with the muddled ex boundaries there, or the coworker thing if they're going back into the office any time soon.

flotemysost

#305
Quote from: bgmnts on April 20, 2021, 08:09:14 AM
I mean, they're clearly in the wrong and part of the reason this has been so utterly shit for everyone.

I haven't done a shag in almost 2 years so stay strong. But yeah if you're out bonking during a pandemic you deserve a massive hernia.

Thanks bgmnts. However like I said, I'm not taking the moral high ground and condemning them for doing that - clearly it's risky (though as I said, it's not like they were out on a rampage - I think in most cases they just had an "arrangement" with a specific person, which arguably could be done with far less risk than many things which have been legally allowed over the past year) - but also I'm sure anyone could pick holes in my conduct over the last year and find other things I've been less than perfect on. I'm not interested in one-upping my friends on ethical grounds, I would never, ever want to slut-shame anyone (not saying you were either, of course) and I don't want anyone else to feel like shit either.

I think the thing that makes me feel like an idiot is that I thought I was doing the "right thing" (as I said, not in a holier-than-thou sense - just acknowledging that realistically, unless you live with a partner already, pre-vaccine there just hasn't really been a COVID-safe way of meeting anyone, unfortunately) - but apparently literally no one else has been following that anyway, I just assumed everyone must have been, and now I just feel really stupid and shit.

As anyone who's perpetually single knows, despite some people assuming that your pre-COVID life must have been a 24/7 carousel of Bacchanalian excess, obviously it's not actually like that a lot of the time, and most single people are already well accustomed to prolonged dry spells and/or crushing loneliness. That's not exactly a new thing. But it's the realisation that this government is once again prioritising those in a traditional nuclear family unit, that vast swathes of the country are expected to just get fucked (except not) while they dick around with rules and policies literally not giving a shit what happens to anyone else.

I don't want kids, but I have single female friends my age (early thirties) who do, and many of them are panicking because they have no idea how long this thing is going to go on for, and every potentially lost year could really fuck things up for them. But of course this government don't give a shit about that, or about the fact that so many single people already find it hard to gain any kind of stability in life anyway (unless they have rich families) because of extortionate rent and property prices and relentless demanding work culture - no, we just have to stay indoors and keep our gobs shut and our legs shut for god knows how long while they royally fuck up this situation yet again, secure in the knowledge that they've got their millions and houses and second houses and mistresses.

I know of course some activities are just physically risky COVID-wise and there's no two ways about it. The infuriating thing, though, is the condescending, infantilising contempt with which this has been handled, meaning many people have inevitably flouted the guidance anyway - not because they're all dreadful COVID denying twats, but just because basically a huge number of the population are being told their fairly basic needs are irrelevant.

Of course there are people going through far, far worse right now and it feels like such a petty thing to be upset about, but it just seems symptomatic of the scorn this leadership reserves for pretty much anyone who doesn't fit a specific type of privilege. As you say peanutbutter, it definitely is situational, and I'm being irrational in thinking it's a personal reflection on myself - but the official guidance to only have sexual partner/s who you live with came across very glib when everyone knows there are so many adults living in flatshares and HMOs (thanks in part to how dire our housing situation is) and so are unable to form support bubbles, even if they do have a partner (in another household) already.

Writing this and my last post has felt very cathartic at least and I'm more angry than sad now, so cheers guys (genuinely).

JaDanketies

18.5-month-old son's been in hospital since yesterday afternoon because he's got croup. He's in again tonight. Cos of COVID he's only allowed one person with him at a time, so me and my fiancee are swapping places and seeing each-other for a 30-second masked kiss and exchange of nappy and medical information like twice a day. pretty shit. hospitals are well boring. Kid seems to be getting better though, gutted he's in for night number two.

bgmnts

Best wishes to your nipper mate. Can't imagine how shit it is having a sick little'un. He'll be fine soon I'm sure.


Glebe

Yeah all the best to the Danketies Jnr., JD.

Kankurette

So I had a meltdown because a file I was working on took forever to load and save and fucking Word kept crashing, and I smashed my head against a wall and punched a wall repeatedly and tried my damnedest not to scream my head off. That was fun. I'm a real mess at the moment. Not going into General Bullshit right now.
Quote from: JaDanketies on May 11, 2021, 08:02:44 PM
18.5-month-old son's been in hospital since yesterday afternoon because he's got croup. He's in again tonight. Cos of COVID he's only allowed one person with him at a time, so me and my fiancee are swapping places and seeing each-other for a 30-second masked kiss and exchange of nappy and medical information like twice a day. pretty shit. hospitals are well boring. Kid seems to be getting better though, gutted he's in for night number two.
Fingers crossed your kid feels well soon. It sucks that you can't spend more time with him together. Fucking COVID.

PS I haven't had sex for a very, very long time and it's unlikely I ever will again.

Glebe

Oh dear, hope you're feeling better now Kanks, hugs and such.

bgmnts

I havent had sex in 2 years and I cant see myself doing it again either. Its sort of freeing sometimes but it just make you want to murder yourself in the bathtub sometimes.

Thank fuck for the numbing powers of sertraline (wearing off though, uh oh.)

Kankurette

Thanks <3

Flotesmyost, it's not stupid at all. I have a huge complex about my lack of sex life, always have. Also, I cried over Sheffield Wednesday getting relegated, although the PMS didn't help. Lockdown does strange things to people. An American mate of mine drove 15 hours to see his mum (he lives in Georgia, she lives in New Jersey) because lockdown affected her mental health really badly, and usually she's pretty stable.

JaDanketies

Once I went 19 years without doing it. Beat that!


Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Kankurette on May 11, 2021, 08:22:37 PM
PS I haven't had sex for a very, very long time and it's unlikely I ever will again.

I'm sure that's not the case, I mean you might not ever have sex again with someone you like and who doesn't physically repulse you, but you could meet hundreds of desperate men in your area by attending a CaB meet.

Blue Jam

I met the love of my life at a CaB meet. Would recommend.

flotemysost

Quote from: JaDanketies on May 11, 2021, 08:02:44 PM
18.5-month-old son's been in hospital since yesterday afternoon because he's got croup. He's in again tonight. Cos of COVID he's only allowed one person with him at a time, so me and my fiancee are swapping places and seeing each-other for a 30-second masked kiss and exchange of nappy and medical information like twice a day. pretty shit. hospitals are well boring. Kid seems to be getting better though, gutted he's in for night number two.

Oh man, that sounds awful. Hope you're all coping as well as you can, fingers crossed he can come home soon.

Quote from: Kankurette on May 11, 2021, 08:22:37 PM
So I had a meltdown because a file I was working on took forever to load and save and fucking Word kept crashing, and I smashed my head against a wall and punched a wall repeatedly and tried my damnedest not to scream my head off. That was fun.

Oh no, that does sound really infuriating, but I hope you're able to feel kinder to yourself soon.

I think lots of the things that would normally help (at least a bit) to mentally defuse these kind of situations just aren't available at the moment (e.g. I remember sometimes after a shit day in the office, I'd have significantly calmed down during the journey home), but when there's such a lack of variety and options and no way to decompress at the moment, your mind can go to extreme places, as you say.

Quote from: Blue Jam on May 12, 2021, 06:02:28 PM
I met the love of my life at a CaB meet. Would recommend.

Aww :)

JaDanketies

kiddiewink came home today :)

I hope he's going to help me catch up on all this work he delayed. He likes banging the keyboard at least.


Glebe


Kankurette

Quote from: JaDanketies on May 12, 2021, 07:41:09 PM
kiddiewink came home today :)

I hope he's going to help me catch up on all this work he delayed. He likes banging the keyboard at least.
Aww, glad he's feeling better!

bgmnts

Have training for a job tomorrow and friday. Pure customer service role dealing with public.

If i anxiety out of this one i'm definitely thinking about PIP, as grim as that sounds.

Meds have sort of been wearing off I think. I half know the sertraline is more a placebo than anything but good god it comes back hard.

Glebe


bgmnts

Cheers.

Didnt work out, got that horrid nothing feeling in my head, just end up staring at nothing every so often. Need higher doses of sertraline and a sick note to claim PIP.

New low.

Pink Gregory

Quote from: Kankurette on May 11, 2021, 08:22:37 PM
PS I haven't had sex for a very, very long time and it's unlikely I ever will again.

I also have this problem but am in a loving relationship and it's because necessary anti-despair medications make my parts not work.  It's sort of fine between us but I can tell it's a bit of a disappointment at the very least.  I seem to have also lost any desire to be physically intimate, just feels too warm and uncomfortable.  It's a bit upsetting, but it is at least infinitely preferable to despair.

Glebe

I've been on meds more than half my life PG, not sure I could without 'em.

Quote from: bgmnts on May 13, 2021, 11:02:15 AMCheers.

Didnt work out, got that horrid nothing feeling in my head, just end up staring at nothing every so often. Need higher doses of sertraline and a sick note to claim PIP.

New low.

Don't despair bgmnts mate. Your mental and emotional health is the most important thing, focus on sorting that.

Tension Knob

suicide planning isn't even cheering me up

Glebe

Quote from: Tension Knob on May 17, 2021, 06:59:42 PMsuicide planning isn't even cheering me up

Don't even go there. Hugs, TK... don't do anything stupid.

bakabaka

Quote from: Pink Gregory on May 13, 2021, 11:17:43 AM
I also have this problem but am in a loving relationship and it's because necessary anti-despair medications make my parts not work.  It's sort of fine between us but I can tell it's a bit of a disappointment at the very least.  I seem to have also lost any desire to be physically intimate, just feels too warm and uncomfortable.  It's a bit upsetting, but it is at least infinitely preferable to despair.
I live a mirror version - partner went through menopause in her mid 30's and that was the end of that. On the bright side our heating bills have halved; one quick cuddle and she radiates heat like a badly-wired weed farm. If it's any consolation, we're still together 25 years later, so don't despair.

Kankurette

This is incredibly embarrassing but I'm having trouble sleeping because my team lost 5-0 and I can't stop crying about it, I keep having these horrible intrusive thoughts about killing the team and hurting myself and carving my arm up and I hate it because they're just people, some of them have kids, it's just a game but it hurts so much and I hate that it hurts and I wish something else would fill that hole. It sounds funny but it's not. I haven't had a proper nights sleep in ages. I can't even go on Instagram cos I'll just be reminded that other people have social lives and it makes me feel even more alone. And the suicide thread in General Bullshit really set me off. I hate myself. There are little kids in Palestine having screaming nightmares about being bombed out of their homes and people who've lost their whole families and I'm upset about something so small.
Quote from: Pink Gregory on May 13, 2021, 11:17:43 AM
I also have this problem but am in a loving relationship and it's because necessary anti-despair medications make my parts not work.  It's sort of fine between us but I can tell it's a bit of a disappointment at the very least.  I seem to have also lost any desire to be physically intimate, just feels too warm and uncomfortable.  It's a bit upsetting, but it is at least infinitely preferable to despair.
Some antidepressants are awful like that. I was on Sertraline in 2005 and it killed my libido - I couldn't even have a wank - and I think it's one of the reasons why I split with my then girlfriend.

I hope your partner understands. As long as you're loved, that's what matters.