Author Topic: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.  (Read 1252 times)

Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« on: November 14, 2020, 07:23:47 PM »
I found out that I'd been adopted whilst looking for my birth cert when I was 15,it turned out that the woman I thought was my sister was actually my mother and her parents (my grand parents) had adopted me as a 2 year old and hadn't ever thought to raise the subject.
My mother/sister went on to marry and have two more children and lived 10 minutes from me.
Just wondering has anyone gotten any similar experience's
I know it must be something that happens but whenever
I tell friends about it they think it sounds like a storyline from eastenders.

Glebe

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2020, 07:31:00 PM »
Hope that hasn't been too traumatic for you Liberosis, it's quite a revelation.

Very similar situation to Jack Nicholson:

Quote
Nicholson was born on April 22, 1937, in Neptune City, New Jersey, the son of a showgirl, June Frances Nicholson (stage name June Nilson; 1918–1963). Nicholson's mother was of Irish, English, German, and Welsh descent. She married Italian-American showman Donald Furcillo (stage name Donald Rose) in 1936, before realizing that he was already married. Biographer Patrick McGilligan stated in his book Jack's Life that Latvian-born Eddie King (originally Edgar A. Kirschfeld), June's manager, may have been Nicholson's biological father, rather than Furcillo. Other sources suggest June Nicholson was unsure of the father's identity. As June was only seventeen years old and unmarried, her parents agreed to raise Nicholson as their own child without revealing his true parentage, and June would act as his sister.

In 1974, Time magazine researchers learned, and informed Nicholson, that his "sister", June, was actually his mother, and his other "sister", Lorraine, was really his aunt. By this time, both his mother and grandmother had died (in 1963 and 1970, respectively). On finding out, Nicholson said it was "a pretty dramatic event, but it wasn't what I'd call traumatizing ... I was pretty well psychologically formed".

icehaven

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2020, 07:54:09 PM »
I found out that I'd been adopted whilst looking for my birth cert when I was 15,it turned out that the woman I thought was my sister was actually my mother and her parents (my grand parents) had adopted me as a 2 year old and hadn't ever thought to raise the subject.
My mother/sister went on to marry and have two more children and lived 10 minutes from me.
Just wondering has anyone gotten any similar experience's
I know it must be something that happens but whenever
I tell friends about it they think it sounds like a storyline from eastenders.

It IS a storyline from Eastenders. Cat and Zoe were 'sisters' until Cat accidentally told Zoe she was really her mother, having got impregnated by a dirty uncle when she was a teenager.

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2020, 07:57:47 PM »
It IS a storyline from Eastenders. Cat and Zoe were 'sisters' until Cat accidentally told Zoe she was really her mother muvver, having got impregnated by a dirty uncle when she was a teenager.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2020, 07:58:37 PM »
Satirised on the last series of " Ideal" too, wasn't it?

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2020, 08:56:22 PM »
Never knew about the jack nicholson story.
And I don't watch eastenders either.
Although the hospital I was born in was within earshot of bow bells so technically I am an eastender!

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2020, 09:31:24 PM »
Yeah, someone I used to know well went through the same situation, from the other side.

Born in the late 1950s, she got knocked up at a young but, IIRC legal, age. 16 or 17, I think, so around 1973/4.  Her rather rural family were scandalised, and kicked her out the house, she ended up living in a seaside caravan in the middle of a bleak winter.

Her power-crazy mother then told her that she'd be allowed to come back home if she signed the baby over to be adopted by her as her fourth daughter (my friend was her second).  Faced with bringing up baby by herself in an unheated caravan in the middle of nowhere (it wasn't the nice kind of seaside) during winter, she agreed, a decision she always regretted.

Her daughter was thus brought up as her youngest sister.  The child didn't find out until her mid-20s, not long before I became friends with her mothersister.  Shit went down... daughtersister ringing her up yelling "Why did you abandon me to that bitch?" and my friend having literal nightmares reliving the scene in the hospital, waking up screaming "please don't take my baby away".  Seriously grim stuff.

(By the way, my friend went on to have another daughter two years later... even though she was over 18 by then, her mum tried to pull the same stunt again, but that time the Dad stuck around and they fought her off and got married.  This only caused daughtersister to have more resentment, of course... "You kept her, why not me?" kinda thing.  Poor girl.)

I remember how gobsmacked I was.  I knew such things went on in the 1950s and even 60s, but I was amazed it still went on in the 1970s.  I guess that's rural [county redacted] for you.

The good news is, my friend and her daughtersister were mostly reconciled in the end, last time I heard.

I dunno if that helps you OP or not, but It's a "similar experience" that you asked for.  I hope it does.  I'd be interested to know roughly when and where this happened, if you don't mind saying.  No worries if you do.  Be well.

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2020, 09:33:38 PM »
I don't think even Eastenders would have a mother/sister marriage storyline.

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2020, 09:50:29 PM »
Thanks, and really interesting to hear about it from the young mother's side.
And I was born in the early 70's so society wasn't that open even then.
I have no real problem with any of it and since both mother's as I knew them have passed away it feels like a distant memory and not something that affects me at all now.
I have been a long time lurker here on cab and only just registered and really glad I did, thanks everyone.

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2020, 09:59:36 PM »
I don't think even Eastenders would have a mother/sister marriage storyline.

I read about a US woman who married her son and after getting jailed for that married her daughter and they both got jailed.

ps. Liberosis, I was adopted but still remember the day my dad told me when I was about 4 (so 1980). As recounted on here I tracked down my biological mother about 5 years ago and had one meet up, but she has moved to Swindon 'for a man' and I get the occasional (nice) e-mail from her - she is the polar opposite of my adoptive mother - much more like myself (i.e. into psychedelic rock etc).

bgmnts

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2020, 10:00:28 PM »
A bit late to be adopted at the age of 15.

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2020, 10:16:36 PM »
Same story as Clapton, too. Happened quite a lot back in the olden days it seems.

Buelligan

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2020, 10:25:31 PM »
I read about a US woman who married her son and after getting jailed for that married her daughter and they both got jailed.

And Jeremy Irons, of course.   He had a narrow miss, not the same but nevertheless very confusing.

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2020, 11:49:02 PM »

Careful, I've only read this thread 5 times before and only looking for wanking material

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2020, 12:19:19 AM »
Never happened to me. Sorry.

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2020, 12:02:31 PM »
I found out that I'd been adopted whilst looking for my birth cert when I was 15,it turned out that the woman I thought was my sister was actually my mother and her parents (my grand parents) had adopted me as a 2 year old and hadn't ever thought to raise the subject.
My mother/sister went on to marry and have two more children and lived 10 minutes from me.
Just wondering has anyone gotten any similar experience's
I know it must be something that happens but whenever
I tell friends about it they think it sounds like a storyline from eastenders.

What an unsettling revelation to stumble upon quite by chance.  I hope it wasn’t too disturbing and you were able to find peace with it quickly.  Did you speak to anyone in your family about it once you knew?

Dr Rock

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2020, 12:20:55 PM »
I'm adopted, but always knew. I'm glad for you that you say you don't feel much about the situation, and far be it from me to suggest someone has trauma when they don't, but if you do find yourself having feelings you don't like about what happened, you could consider therapy (although in my experience they know very little about adoption issues, might be better now), or YouTube has a lot of adoptees talking about their experiences.

People saying 'it's like something off Eastenders' are fuckwits.

Dr Rock

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2020, 12:23:34 PM »
This lot may be handy if you feel like talking about it

https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults/

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2020, 12:32:15 PM »
Actually I did go through a hard time initially and in my twenties got some therapy which helped me put everything in perspective and overcome some of the issues that seemed to be affecting me.
I look at it now as an interesting part of my life and it really doesn't affect me now.
As for my friends reactions,they are great and it's all good natured as I laugh about how weird the whole story was.

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2020, 11:38:57 PM »
It's not the easiest thing to comprehend, but I've heard it happen a lot back 50 years ago, daughters would go to the country for a few months, return, and then there was a baby on the doorstep!
I'm sure what the professionals have said, it doesn't change their love and care. Same for people who've taken their step parents as actual better parents.
Your sister must have also been a bit mindfucked too, I imagine she tired to look after you quite a lot too whilst maintaining the lie

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2020, 06:22:31 PM »
Always known I'm a dickhead

Fr.Bigley

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2020, 06:34:46 PM »
Stewart Lee is adopted. Never stops banging on about it.

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2020, 07:28:22 PM »
It's not the easiest thing to comprehend, but I've heard it happen a lot back 50 years ago, daughters would go to the country for a few months, return, and then there was a baby on the doorstep!

Yes I have a few middle aged friends who grew up in exactly that situation. Not a baby on the doorstep exactly but an aging mum and dad being ‘blessed with a little late one,’ as the baby was known, around the time that their unmarried daughter returns from a long sojourn at a convent or with a relative. What has struck me is that there’s no right way to feel about it and deal with it. Some show absolutely no curiosity about their birth certificate or wish to trace their genetic father, some want no relationship with their birth mother who they thought was their sister, some are very keen to find out all they can about what and how and where they came from.  No two people deal with it the same.

Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2020, 05:24:01 AM »
Of course I don’t have a similar experience - Jesus Christ! That’s a hell of a thing to discover. Speaking of which, though: Jesus Christ presumably found out who his biological father was at some point in the omitted adolescent years.

I used to convince myself I must be adopted just because of how “different” I was to my family in those angsty pube years. But I started to look so much like my dad that I had to give up on the idea sooner or later.

Dr Rock

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2020, 08:41:20 AM »
Freud said that the adopted fantasy was something almost every growing child experiences, though some may forget about it. And then the fantasy is replaced with acceptance. The adopted child is not fantasising, they do have other parents somewhere, and this is another thing that makes us weird, we don't go through this stage. Can anyone else remember entertaining fantasies of being adopted?

icehaven

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #25 on: November 18, 2020, 09:09:30 AM »
Can anyone else remember entertaining fantasies of being adopted?

Yes, although not fantasies as in I wanted to think I was adopted, I just sometimes thought my mum might not be my real mum, and I can even remember wondering if it was a scenario similar to the OPs and I was actually the child of one of my cousins (there are a couple of not totally baseless reasons why I might have thought this when I was a child, but I grew out of it after realising the level of document forgery and general deception it would have taken to pull it off.)

I also sometimes thought I might be a robot too, although that was largely inspired by watching DARYL.

SpiderChrist

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Re: Accidentally finding out that you were adopted.
« Reply #26 on: November 18, 2020, 09:51:54 AM »
My Dad was adopted, and by all accounts pretty badly treated by his adoptive parents. Then, when he was in his early 30s, he took a phone call at work and the voice on the other end of the line basically said "Hello, this is your mother". Everyone then pretended that this woman was my Auntie until, on my 18th birthday, she told me she was my Nan (without letting my parents know she was going to do it). Way to go, Ethel.



Oh yeah, forgot - my wife's Auntie also turned out to be her Grandmother.

I completely understand the societal pressure in place at those times (Dad was born in 1942), and how many of these women had no fucking choice in the matter and, well, it's hard to be judgemental. But I've seen the after-shocks and it ain't pretty.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2020, 10:11:32 AM by SpiderChrist »

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