"40 Genius Gervais Gags"

[Jon_Norton]

Could someone please buy a copy of this week's Zoo to find out what these "40 genius Gervais gags", are, which are apparently one of its big selling points?

This thread just writes itself, frankly.

[The Mumbler]

At least 20 of them will be "other people's".

[Jon_Norton]

An aside: Micahel Jackson has just been acquitted. Every shit topical panel game this week will also write itself.


Just for once, just as a little treat, I'd like to hear someone have the imagination to say "...so long ago, no one was making untrue observations about Michael Jackson being white".

[The Mumbler]

To cheer myself up after hours of rubbish topical comedy on Friday night, I watched four episodes of Absolutely Series 3 from 1991.  One Jennifer and Peter Wells [Banks & Docherty] contained the "Michael Jackson?"/"I don't think he's black anymore" exchange - which was just so fucking refreshing after weeks/months/years of Jacko babysitting quips.

[Jon_Norton]

Or the Fry&Laurie sketch, which is the funniest ever MJ gag simply because it drags the whole thing off into total absurdity, and also carries straight on into a gag about lip-synching, which was a funny routine in itself.

"Michael Jackson used to be black" has made the full odyssey, from being a slightly-risque (is it PC or not to say it?), daring comic observation in the 80s, to being an utterly bland and lifeless cliche 20 years later, when yer Jimmy Carrs can crank out 20 variants a minute in their sleep. I switched off 8 out of 10 cats the other night when I saw Dave Spikey doing an MJ routine.

Anyway, 40 great Gervais gags.

[The Mumbler]

I think the digressions should continue, personally.

[Jon_Norton]

I'm quite taken with the idea that this thread "just writes itself". I can imagine alan strang and ELW10 turning up to see that posts from themselves had appeared spontaneously in response to the thread title.

[Dark Sky]

I'd buy it, but presumably most of the pages will just be blank?

*ba dum CHAH*

[Munday's Chylde]

Your all being very cynical... maybe these are the forty gags that were just too genius to waste on his standup shows.

[Rats]

40. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

39. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

38. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

37. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

36. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

35. Women, the disabled, asians, homosexuals .... wait for it .... C*NTS, CR*PPLES, P*KIS, QU*ERS!

I was going to do all 40 but this stuff doesn't write itself.

[slim]

34. Awkward pause...

...

...

33. [GERVAIS looks at camera]

[wherearethespoons]

32. (massive grin)

31. "And that's..."

[alan strang]

30. "Oh, the inevitable backlash. How predictable!"

29. "Ricky Gervais is set to be the first British Comedian on Mars... yeah, send that one out. Chortle will print any old shit to keep this cash cow going..."

28. Mooo. Spastics defrauding the DSS. I'm in character, even if most of my audience aren't...

[TJ]

27. "Offices. We all know what they're like - 'can I borrow a stapler please?'... because y'know when the people who want to ask to borrow a stapler come to your desk to ask if they can borrow a stapler, making fun of the way that they stand around with one hand in one of their pockets and lean slightly to one side and pause for exactly 9.8 seconds before reacting when you reply to them is obviously worth basing an entire series on rather than just dealing with in a blunt one-liner, and I see myself as a fun kind of guy, and many that's what makes me so great to work for at Wernham Hogg... erm... um... yeah, because... when they... erm... FINCHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! etc"

[Shindig]

26.  You call me fat again, I'll twat you into next week.  I done Celebrity Boxing, for Christ's sake!

25. I know I lost, but that's beside the point!

[Banana Woofwoof]

21.  I'll make a really poorly observed gag, and drop the word "hat" into it, making it seem wacky and surreal, and drag it out for ages.  Hang on, though, there's a twist!  I'm going to stand here pausing, occasionally turning to the audience with a big, faux-confused shit-eating grin on my face so they can all laugh along at my zaaannniness with me!  What am I like, eh?

[The Mumbler]

20.  The Office: An American Workplace is on BBC3 from tonight.

19.  Extras starts in July.  Nurse!

[Jemble Fred]

367. This is Zoo magazine, which contains some kind of Gervais shit in every issue. Both Zoo and Nuts are beyond parody.

[Utter Shit]

Lot of Gervais hate here, then. Which is odd, considering that The Office was fantastic and his stand-up shows weren't terrible by any means.

[Jon_Norton]

Comrades, I have bought a copy of Zoo to see what these "gags" might be... AND THERE AREN'T ANY! Not any actual jokes whatsoever!!

No, really. The entire article consists of "40 hidden comedy gems straight from the Gervais locker and his brilliant radio show on London's Xfm, all published here for the first time..." Yet the headline says "40 GERVAIS GAGS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD", which presumes no one listens to Xfm, but is true in any case since not a single example printed is an actual joke.

Here's the first belter, headed "RAMPANT RABBIT":

The idea of a rabbit having sex with a beautiful woman. That's the weirdest thing. It makes me feel annoyed, if I'm honest.

How the fucking hell in the name of fucking fuck is that a "gag"????

Oh, here's the cripple one, helpfully illustrated by a picture of Stephen Hawking slumped in his wheelchair, headed simply "HAWKING":

Stephen Hawking, I wonder if he'd be as bright as he is if he didn't have illness. Because he's had time to sit down and go, "What can I do?"

The answer to that last remark is: "Actually, Stephen Hawkintg only developed muscular dystrophy after he'd completed his first degree and had started work on his PhD, so he had shown he was quitre clever prior to getting the illness, now write us a proper fucking joke that someone can tell to someone else, you useless fat fucking pile of shit."

To add insult to injury, the rest of the mag is just crap about football and picture of women who aren't properly naked.

[Mr. Analytical]

Ricky Gervais... the lovable comedy scamp :-)

*runs and hides*

[Banana Woofwoof]

To add insult to injury, the rest of the mag is just crap about football and picture of women who aren't properly naked.

Who'da thunk it, eh?

[Gypsum Fantastic]

24. I've won awards, so...

[TJ]

23 LOL NO HNANDBAGS AND LOL NO GLADRAGS THAT A CLIVE DUNNS 'GRANDAD' BEAT INTO LOL NO CHAERTS

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

They missed out these:

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SCENE 1. EXT. DAY.

A GETAWAY CAR IS BEING PURSUED BY A POLICE PANDA. LOTS OF SKIDDING, SIRENS WAILING ETC. THEME FROM SHAFT OR SIMILAR ON SOUNDTRACK. BOTH CARS CRASH THROUGH BOXES, UPSET WATER HYDRANTS ETC. WE VERY QUICKLY GLIMPSE ANDY, DRESSED AS POLICEMAN, AS THE CARS ZOOM PAST. THE DIRECTOR WALKS INTO SHOT.

DIRECTOR: Alright, cut!

WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL FILM SET – BOOM MICS, CAMERAS, TRAILERS ETC.

DIRECTOR: Great, OK, re-set.

ANDY WALKS UP TO DIRECTOR, PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.

ANDY: Was that OK?

DIRECTOR (DISTRACTED): What?

ANDY: Only I gave him a bit of a limp. Got it in the Gulf War. His wife died...also in the Gulf War. Bit of back story.

DIRECTOR: Sorry, who are you again?

ANDY: Who am I? (TO IMAGINARY THIRD PARTY) He's such a joker innee? I'm Police Constable Rogers. (SALUTES) PC Rogers reporting for duty, sir.

DIRECTOR: There's no such character. Excuse me. (WALKS OFF)

ANDY: (TALKING AFTER HIM) Not in the script, no. Originally it was just 'Policeman', but I thought I'd flesh it out a bit. (LOOKS AROUND HIM) Still, gotta go, mate. Make sure you use my best side!

TITLES (CLAPPERBOARD)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCENE 7. INT. DAY

ANDY SPOTS FAMOUS ACTRESS (HELEN MIRREN? KATE WINSLET?) EATING LUNCH AT A TRESTLE TABLE.

ANDY: Alright, Hel? No time no see.

FAMOUS ACTRESS: Sorry, I don't...

ANDY: Aw, you remember. Guilford Playhouse, Richard the Third. (POINTS TO HIMSELF) Spearcarrier the fourth.

FAMOUS ACTRESS (HUMOURING HIM): Oh yes, hello. Nice to see you. (CARRIES ON EATING LUNCH)

ANDY: (SITTING DOWN) We've come a long way, haven't we, you and I? You with yer Prime suspect and yer...other things.

FAMOUS ACTRESS: No, wait a minute, I do remember you.

ANDY: Ah, you'll never forget this ugly mush. (GRINS)

FAMOUS ACTRESS: You served me coffee once. You were in the catering van.

ANDY: Yeah...I did that for a while. I was workshopping a character.

FAMOUS ACTRESS: You spilt the coffee and scalded my leg.

ANDY: Yeah, that was the character.

FAMOUS ACTRSSS: What – 'Man who scalds leg'?

ANDY: Might have been, yeah. It was in Norwich.

FAMOUS ACTRESS: Guilford, you said.

ANDY: Guilford, Norwich, whatever. What is this – Celebrity University Challenge?

FAMOUS ACTRESS: So, did you ever get to use the character?

ANDY: Yeah, it ended up in Crime Traveller. Not in the show itself, they couldn't use that...get the DVD, it's in the deleted scenes.

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SCENE 18. INT. DAY

ANDY'S FLAT. HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HAVE GATHERED AROUND TO
WATCH THE FILM. THERE IS BALLOONS, STREAMERS AND
BUNTING READING "OSCAR FOR ANDY?".

ANDY (TAPPING BIRO ON SIDE OF GLASS): Glad you could
all make it. Specially you, mum. I hope you all enjoy
my debut performance. Most of you probably thought I
wouldn't become a star... that's fine. I can handle
that. I didn't think Uncle Colin (CUT TO UNCLE COLIN)
would make it as a scout master, but he has...and his
case comes up next week! (ANDY LAUGHS, HIS FAMILY
DON'T) But seriously, I couldn't have done it without
you guys. Without you, I'd be a nobody, I'd be a
little chav you step over on the street...but PC Rogers
is a hero for our times, and I hope you agree I bring
a lot of me to the part. I'd like to thank my agent –
Ken, you got anything to say? (HE HASN'T) No, he's
getting stuck into the drink. And why not? It is paid
for. By the way, don't worry if I'm only onscreen for
a few seconds, in the background. You probably don't
know how editing works, but in the film world that's a
compliment. Janet Leigh was only onscreen for ten
seconds in Psycho, but who do we remember? Not the
policeman, that's for sure. Actually, that's a bad
example. I'm more like Yoda – they cut him out of the
first Star Wars because he was too good, was showing
everyone up. Anyway, enough of my yakking. Let's
watch!

THE FAMILY ALL START TO WATCH THE FILM (WHICH IS
TIMECODED). WE SEE THE SCENE WE SAW AT THE START. ANDY
CONSTANTLY MUGS IN A 'THIS IS A GOOD BIT' TYPE WAY.
EVENTUALLY IT DAWNS ON ANDY THAT HIS APPEARANCE HAS
BEEN CUT. HE STANDS AWKWARDLY.

MUM: Which bit are you in again, love?

ANDY: It'll be... any minute now...

WE SEE THE REST OF THE (RATHER LENGTHY DESPITE ANDY'S
NON-APPEARENCE) SCENE PLAY OUT. CUT TO VARIOUS SHOTS
OF FAMILY MEMBERS FROWNING, LOOKING AT THE CARPET. THE
MOTHER LOOKS OVER AT ANDY, SYMPATHETICALLY. ANDY
DOESN'T NOTICE ANY OF THIS. HIS EYES ARE GLUED TO THE
TV, ALMOST WILLING HIMSELF TO APPEAR.

ANDY: Any second now...

ON THE TV THE SCENE CHANGES TO A MORNING-AFTER SET-UP,
MIRREN'S CHARACTER WAKING UP IN BED WITH A BLOKE. THE
PREVIOUS SCENE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN LEFT FAR BEHIND AT
THIS POINT.

MUM: Are you sure it's...

ANDY: (SHARPLY) *Most* films, as... as you probably
aren't aware, because you're not part of that world...
come together in the cutting room. Yeah? What I mean
is the script *as written* doesn't necessarily follow
the same structure... as the finished product.
Actually, yeah, I can see what they've done here.
They've gone for 'non-linear' storytelling. PC Rogers
will probably appear towards the end. Very clever...
when you think of it.

MUM: I'll make some tea. (SHE SEEMS QUITE HAPPY TO
LEAVE THE SCENE)

ANDY: (STILL WATCHING, EYES GLAZED) It's interesting -
you can almost see shades of my performance in Helen
there. It's almost like my character has stamped
himself onto every aspect of the film. You somehow
*know* that she's met PC Rogers.

UNCLE COLIN: (SNIDE) Well that's something. Because
*I* haven't yet!

ANDY: (TURNING ON HIM, ANGRILY) Well, who are you?
You're nobody. What have you ever achieved? Nothing.
Scout master? So what. (MOCKING) "Ooh, I can legally
skulk in the corner of a room watching young boys take
a shower!" You don't need a degree to do that. You
need psychiatric help!

UNCLE COLIN: Now hold on a bloody second!

ANDY: I pity you. You know that? I pity you because
you just don't realise how low your aspirations are.
(TO FAMILY) In fact I pity *all* of you. You're
nothing!

A RELATIVE POINTS AT THE TV.

RELATIVE: Was... was *that* you then?

ANDY FURIOUSLY GRABS THE REMOTE AND STARTS TO REWIND
THE TAPE

ANDY: Yes, see? See? I *knew* they hadn't cut me out
again.

THEY WATCH THE SCENE AGAIN. IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T ANDY AT
ALL. IT ISN'T EVEN A POLICEMAN CHARACTER.

RELATIVE: Sorry, my mistake. I didn't have my telly
glasses on.

RELATIVE GETS THE GLASSES OUT OF HER CASE AND PUTS
THEM ON WITH A GRIN. INFURIATED, ANDY GRABS THEM OFF
HER FACE AND TRIES TO SNAP THEM IN HALF. THEY REFUSE
TO BREAK. HE STANDS UP AND THROWS THEM HARD AGAINST
THE WALL. INSTEAD THEY BOUNCE OFF UNCLE COLIN'S
ARMCHAIR AND LAND, INTACT, BACK ON THE RELATIVE'S LAP.
SHE PUTS THEM BACK ON.

NO ONE QUITE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY AFTER ALL THIS.

THEY WATCH THE REST OF THE FILM INSTEAD.

ANDY'S MUM RETURNS WITH A POT OF TEA AND PLACES IT ON
THE TABLE. SHE THEN STARTS TO TAKE DOWN THE BUNTING

ANDY: Leave it!

CREDITS

[SimonJT]

That's actually quite good.

[Jon_Norton]

So anyway, Brass Eye Comic Relief Special....

[Banana Woofwoof]

I quite enjoyed that!

[jutl]

Yes - that was great.

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

So, you reckon Extras will be Luvvie Darling, but with Gervais' inimitable mugging?