Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 01:58:30 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Trouble in Paradise: New House Edition

Started by confettiinmyhair, November 21, 2020, 10:08:11 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Thanks HZJ, an update -
Had a great day with my son. The time sped by, but it felt like a few priceless moments. When I picked him up yesterday I was given more of my stuff. When I dropped him off I was able to be in the house. I had a chat with my wife but there was still tension there. She told me that her Therapist has advised her to get a diagnosis for potential BPD. I think she has taken this news badly. I reassured her that it would be ok, and that maybe this could lead to some greater understanding about herself and help to learn her triggers and manage her mental health and wellbeing. This weekend I've got to finish up in the old house, so some more cleaning. Just going to keep busy.

Buelligan

Just make sure you jot all this down somewhere with dates and so on.  As you say, hopefully, if she gets some sort of diagnosis, it might lead to some personal insights for her into the apparent self-sabotage she seems prone to, before that behaviour impacts further on others.  Very best to you.

Zetetic

I certainly hope this leads to her getting some useful intervention that makes her dealings with you more functional.

paruses

Really glad you had a good day with your son.

I
Quote from: Buelligan on November 28, 2020, 08:41:08 AM
Just make sure you jot all this down somewhere with dates and so on.  [...]  Very best to you.

I think this is really important too. It might feel like you are being petty but if watching Neighbours from Hell, and trying to sort out a clutch that was definitely covered under warranty, amongst other things it's always useful if things become more formal later on. Apart form that it's useful to organise your thoughts if you have to put arguments forwards.

You seem to be being moved slowly out of the house too - I would mention this when you see the solicitor. You wouldn't want to have implied constent to things thrown up later on if it comes to it.

And apart from the material and logistical side of all this it sounds a bit more positive on you wife's side; things don't sound easy for her.


Urinal Cake

Good to hear confetti. Your (ex)-wife still trusts you with the BPD admission so there's still hope things can be sorted out amicably. If she really was being adversarial and 'wanted to take you to the cleaners' she'd kept that a secret. Though I guess take everything she says with a grain of salt.

GMTV

Sounds like you're a great dad. And you'll both want the best for your son. Hopefully you can both work together to ensure the best future for him.

This probably feels like a shite time at the moment. But you're strong and you'll get through this. You have a lot of positive great things to come in your life, you just have to navigate this phase and you'll come out of it a better person.

Quote from: GMTV on November 25, 2020, 08:46:21 AM
Barrels Per Day. She's discovered that the house is sat on an oil field and wants to get production up and running ASAP.

Crude, but unfortunately more times than not doing an "exxonmobil" is the reason relationships break down.

Nothing really useful to add OP but I hope you're holding up OK.  Did she give you any kind of inkling why she's supposedly not in love with you anymore?  Is she prone to being quite headstrong?

Quote from: Mrs Wogans lemon drizzle on November 28, 2020, 10:44:06 PM
Nothing really useful to add OP but I hope you're holding up OK.  Did she give you any kind of inkling why she's supposedly not in love with you anymore?  Is she prone to being quite headstrong?

It was unclear. She didn't really speak specifically about me or us, and talked more about how she feels she is never able to love anyone in her life. She is also very headstrong.

I was with my Dad yesterday and his theory is that this was all planned for her to get the house. An occam's razor view. I'm not sure that's the case. There are too many things that could go wrong. And I feel if she really wanted to make a move like that she would've made sure that others things were more in her favour, like our finances.

Quote from: confettiinmyhair on November 29, 2020, 07:12:09 AM
It was unclear. She didn't really speak specifically about me or us, and talked more about how she feels she is never able to love anyone in her life. She is also very headstrong.

I was with my Dad yesterday and his theory is that this was all planned for her to get the house. An occam's razor view. I'm not sure that's the case. There are too many things that could go wrong. And I feel if she really wanted to make a move like that she would've made sure that others things were more in her favour, like our finances.

Only you know your relationship but from an outsiders perspective it seems unusual for this kind of thing to come out of the blue,  with no warning. Your dad might be right but equally I wonder if this is some kind of breakdown,  from which she could potentially recover?

Buelligan

Quote from: confettiinmyhair on November 29, 2020, 07:12:09 AM
It was unclear. She didn't really speak specifically about me or us, and talked more about how she feels she is never able to love anyone in her life. She is also very headstrong.

I was with my Dad yesterday and his theory is that this was all planned for her to get the house. An occam's razor view. I'm not sure that's the case. There are too many things that could go wrong. And I feel if she really wanted to make a move like that she would've made sure that others things were more in her favour, like our finances.

Yes.  Or just selected a wealthy man to rip off from the start.  People join the dots as if they're watching a soap opera, it's not helpful.

I was heavily in debt when we met. Still am I suppose. I'd gambled by getting out loans to fund a career change a couple of years before I met my wife.

Our financial situation is precarious as our money all went into the house. I've not got any assets, and due to our month to month living making a decision like this is quite perilous. We also racked up a few credit card debts on all the moving and house stuff. My wife making this decision puts all three of us in the family at much greater risk. All our budgeting was based on us pooling our resources.

Thinking ahead, the challenge of two people separately funding a new house, and a rental property (needing a 2 bedroom, which in this area is about 750 a month on average in the area) plus  paying off our respective debts, and all the other bills appears a massive one. Not least living in a country where the economic position appears awfully bleak. My wife will also need to find a job next year when her contract ends.

sirhenry

That makes me worry that my earlier suspicion is more likely and that your wife is being self-destructive for whatever reason. Just when it looked like life was about to be relatively calm and straightforward she steered it off a cliff. Hopefully, if that's right, some therapy will get to the bottom of it and break the cycle. Otherwise it's going to be a bumpy ride for your kid (and everyone else in the pot).

Fingers still crossed for you.

Glebe

Glad you had a nice day with your son, Confetti. Hopefully your wife will get the help she needs and maybe things will settle down a bit, take care in any case.

Twit 2

There
There's
There's never
Never never
Never never been
A better time yeah
To go

GO APESHIT
AND SMASH STUFF
YEEHHHHH

(I'm sorry to hear about the absolute breakdown of your life.)

holyzombiejesus

I don't think you started the thread for advice so I won't offer any. What I would say is that when I was little and my dad left us, the three things that in retrospect would have made my childhood much better would have been a degree of certainty about what was going to happen (so we weren't analysing every interaction for signs that he'd be coming home), some warmth and closeness between parents post-split and my mum not having to battle for every penny. I hope that your wife can sort out her issues and you can try and repair your relationship and it won't come to that and you seem like a decent sort so I don't imagine that you'll be a cunt like my dad was.

Have a nice day with your son. How old is he?

He's 2 and a half. I don't really care much about money, more the time I get with my son. With the current proposed schedule I lose 36 hours of time I would ordinarily spend with him and on two of the days I have him I am working and therefore not seeing him hardly at all.

holyzombiejesus

That's shit. Hopefully when things calm down a bit you'll be able to sort something better. Do you think it would be too unpleasant between you and her to spend any time together with him? My boy's nearly 4, I honestly can't express how sick I feel for you right now. Kind of think it might pay to be a bit firmer and ask for a couple of evenings in the house with him and ask if she'll either behave herself or go to her mum's or something. Do you think that if she gets help (although I bet waiting lists are massive) you could be reconciled or has that bird flown?

I'm open to spending time together as a trio, but my wife is building up so much resistance. When I collected my son this morning she was so cold. It was as if I was just collecting a parcel. I think it would be important to still have some 'family time', even if it is just an afternoon at the local park.

I fear that this time it's permanent. I am getting my head around that prospect a lot quicker this time around.

Non Stop Dancer

Would she be more receptive to spending time together and generally making your life easier if you openly tell her "I understand and respect that you don't love me anymore, and I'll aim to move past the emotional hurt as quickly as possible, so can we just agree to try and be friends for the benefit of our son? As far as I know I haven't actually done anything wrong that I need to apologise for so I'm not really sure why you're being so cold towards me"

I think that would be hard as she's openly told me that she doesn't want me near her at the moment Dancer, but it is a fair suggestion. I feel that this is along the lines of something I will say a little further down the line.

Non Stop Dancer

Fair enough mate, I hope she comes around soon. I want to be sympathetic to whatever personal/mental health issues she's dealing with but fuck me the thought of this happening to me makes my blood boil, and I don't have any children. Good luck.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: sirhenry on November 29, 2020, 10:02:44 AMThat makes me worry that my earlier suspicion is more likely and that your wife is being self-destructive for whatever reason. Just when it looked like life was about to be relatively calm and straightforward she steered it off a cliff.

Yes, I know this one.  A friend.  Things could never be settled, there always had to be fresh drama to fuck things up.

Urinal Cake

Obviously I gather most of your family and your friends are hostile to her but is there anyone on her 'side' that seems amicable to you? Someone that both of you trust that broker some peace during the holidays and further than that? 

QDRPHNC

Quote from: confettiinmyhair on November 30, 2020, 01:01:40 PM
He's 2 and a half. I don't really care much about money, more the time I get with my son. With the current proposed schedule I lose 36 hours of time I would ordinarily spend with him and on two of the days I have him I am working and therefore not seeing him hardly at all.

I don't understand why she seems to be setting all the terms. You need to see a mediator, at a minimum.

Quote from: Urinal Cake on December 01, 2020, 12:09:51 AM
Obviously I gather most of your family and your friends are hostile to her but is there anyone on her 'side' that seems amicable to you? Someone that both of you trust that broker some peace during the holidays and further than that?

She's burned a lot of bridges with her family, and her Mum stays out of all family disputes, as I guess there's been a lot of them in my wife's family she is a bit burnt out. The mutual friends are mainly friends of my wife through the Mum's and toddler groups. I'm not directly connected to them. I'd have to try and reach them in some way, which I'm somewhat uncomfortable doing.

I think a mediator will need to be used if negotiations between us turn further south. A solicitor advised me to try and talk a bit first, and said that due to the speed of this situation occurring,  to let it play out a little more. We have been trying to divide the bill's for the new house, that feels like small progress. I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want to say.

Urinal Cake

That's good to hear. I guess it's baby steps.


Twonty Gostelow

^  Blind link to a horrible story in The Sun, wish I hadn't clicked on it.

Hand Solo

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on December 03, 2020, 12:12:35 PM
^  Blind link to a horrible story in The Sun, wish I hadn't clicked on it.

What browser are you using?