Trouble in Paradise: New House Edition

[PlanktonSideburns]

She was deffo waiting for the house to be brought, a marriage is an insurance policy for women.

all women arent the same dont be a plonker

[confettiinmyhair]

The house was brought to pass down to our son. Its unlikely either of us will get any inheritance from family so we wanted to give him a property to inherit one day, which we haven't had.

I'm open for mediation and for something to be worked out fairly. I'm willing to sleep on the sofa or in the spare bedroom and live peacefully until we can iron out something. I can't convince her to love me, even if I love her and care deeply about the family we've created. I'm just weary of being worn down by all this.

[madhair60]

Shove your son back up her. Forgive my bluntness but it is the only solution.

[Hand Solo]

Shove your son back up her. Forgive my bluntness but it is the only solution.

He's a very cervical person.

[Urinal Cake]

You might want to talk to a lawyer about putting the house in a trust for your son to avoid any funny business with wills in the future.

[Hand Solo]

You might want to talk to a lawyer about putting the house in a trust for your son to avoid any funny business with wills in the future murder.

[Thomas]

Like Shoulders on the previous page, I am impressed by your clarity and apparent calmness. I don't have any advice, except to Keep Well and vent on here if needs be need be.

Also feel free to refer to us as your 'legal team' in future discussions with your wife.

[Dex Sawash]

Careful, over a decade and almost 4000 posts and this is the first one that doesn't seem to be for wanking material

[Better Midlands]

Don't leave! Talk to lawyer asap.

The first and most important reply, do this for you and your son's future. Do this before anything else.

Why doesn't she leave the house? If she's the one ending the relationship she has to take the hit.

Totally agree with this, I don't like the asking you to leave ten days after the house is bought bit at all, it's bringing out the the cynic in me too.

with a marriage, property and a child involved she's definitely sought legal advice about all this before dropping it into your lap.

Yep.

If you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?

[confettiinmyhair]

I'm 36 and my wife is 37 years old.

I think the legal advice option is something I will seek soon. I'm trying to stay cool and calm about this but I heard this morning that my wife wants me to spend the Christmas holiday with my parents for a week, and doesn't want us to spend Christmas together. I'm not sure how logistically this would work. She said that she will invite her Mum to stay around which was the original plan this Christmas.

[Icehaven]

I think the legal advice option is something I will seek soon. I'm trying to stay cool and calm about this but I heard this morning that my wife wants me to spend the Christmas holiday with my parents for a week, and doesn't want us to spend Christmas together. I'm not sure how logistically this would work. She said that she will invite her Mum to stay around which was the original plan this Christmas.

She wants she wants she wants. Have you told her what you want and asked how that fits in to her plans? Has she heard of compromise? You have a son together so even if counselling or mediation (which is a great idea on your part) doesn't work out she's going to have to learn you're always going to be a part of her life and she doesn't get it all her own way, no one does.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I'm a member of an Amateur Dramatics group, and recently we've been practising our roles for a play based on one of Jane Austen's later novels. These sessions have been going fairly well  except that such practising may well seem efficient, but at the same time quite coldly detached, very little feeling there.

Emma: very clinical  rehearsin'.

[falafel]

Talk of lawyers aside, can i also suggest you speak to a counsellor or therapist yourself sharpish? I did that when i was in very similar circumstances three years ago and it was a great help getting perspective and working out what I really wanted. It was the exact same time of year too and the support really helped me through winter. I bet they are doing Zoom consultations if you can find somewhere quiet and private to have the discussion, which I guess your wife is doing.

I think couples counseling is a good idea because this sounds like a very rash decision. It's what we did. Right now will probably not be the time to broach it because I expect she would see it as you trying to "persuade her to love you" but even if you do move out and she definitely means it you will do well to work things through because you will have a son in the middle of all this and you need a healthy relationship. Counseling can do this - it isn't necessarily about fixing things, it can also be about ending things well.

[Urinal Cake]

You've got a few options from counselling to the court system- so don't feel forced into making decisions. From what you've said it seems like she has been seeing a therapist and mulling over this. I'm a bit surprised that she didn't try talking to you and try to fix this first- I assume a therapist would suggest that talking about her problems to her partner would be helpful.

[Butchers Blind]

She wants she wants she wants. Have you told her what you want and asked how that fits in to her plans? Has she heard of compromise? You have a son together so even if counselling or mediation (which is a great idea on your part) doesn't work out she's going to have to learn you're always going to be a part of her life and she doesn't get it all her own way, no one does.

This. Has she asked you how you're feeling? 

[falafel]

I agree with both of the above but just, best to avoid cultivating any resentment about not being considered or having your interests taken into account. You can try and have a more honest discussion and understand better where she is coming from and why she feels like this but I wouldn't bank on getting a particularly great answer, I wouldn't expect miracles if she is not being very empathetic and is concentrating on herself. Which is why I suggested being selfish and sorting out your own shit, not in a fuck-you way but just taking proper stock of your options, your feelings, and what you really want. You can't tell your wife what you want if you don't know yourself.

You need to respond to being booted out (which she can't make you do) but you have to get your head straight as much as you can first. As Urinal Cake said, lots of options, I think two main priorities are fix yourself and avoid recriminations no matter how tempting it might be. If you start to see really bad behaviour and refusal to engage then you might need to start being firmer -but even then it's about not playing the game, it's just removing yourself from the situation in a way that gets you what you need (financial security and your son). I have seen relationships fall into total ruin because of secodn guessing and both parties feeding off each other's negativity and the golden rule is if you think the other person is being a cunt, don't engage, just treat the relationship as transactional, don't let yiur friends talk you into hating her just because they think they're helping by taking sides, and keep your cool.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Were there no signs the relationship wasn't going well before moving to the new house, or did everything seem tickety boo and did she just turn on a sixpence right after the move, because that is cold and calculating and legally would probably work in your favour.

[Paul Calf]

I don't see what she has to gain here. She doesn't magically own the whole house if cimh[nb]gallingly inapt username at present.[/nb] and she are divorced. She's still on for either half the mortgage or no house. Or if the house was purchased outright, she doesn't get any more than half, surely.

Don't move out. Absolutely do not do that.

[paruses]

I would take some cursory proper legal advice to start with just to see what would play best at a later date if things degenerate. You don't have to go all Kramer vs Kramer - just get an opinion.
It would be reasonable to move into the spare room to give both of you space. Sleeping on the sofa doesn't seem a good idea as you will be cluttering the place up, feel marginalised, do your back in, and generally come to be seen as an unwanted house guest. I really think it will breed a lot of resentment on both sides.

Am sorry to hear about this.

[gilbertharding]

Paul Calf just posted what I was going to, basically. Your wife wants half the mortgage.

[paruses]

You could also go round and retain or threaten all of the solicitors in the area so your wife can't get representation. That worked for Tony off Tony and The Sopranos.

[the]

Nothing practical to add, except to highlight that moving house is insanely stressful and can do quite bonkers things to your mind, which takes a good while to come up from.

[Sebastian Cobb]

If she does force you out, you should definitely 'top deck' at least one of the toilets before you go.

[drummersaredeaf]

I always preferred 'Toploader' as it allows for imagery of him with the big hair delivering Onka's Big Moka.

[the]

If she does force you out, you should definitely 'top deck' at least one of the toilets before you go.

Fill it with shandy?

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

No karma for my great joke on 'ere yet? :(

[QDRPHNC]

Oh yeah, re: your house. It's very nice that you bought it as something to pass to your son, but it is just a house. The most important thing to your son in the future will be the time he spends with you. When my first wife and I divorced, I was trying to be a "good guy" and paid for the upkeep of the house for a year while she lived in it and did nothing to help herself, but I almost went broke doing it, because of this fantasy of what the house represented. After a year we sold it, and I don't miss it. It was a weight around my neck.

And I never got anything in return for being a "good guy" - honesty, respect, civility, fairness. So don't kid yourself. Your wife has clearly got her shit together, now you need to get yours together too, and stand up for what it rightfully yours in this situation, both financially and morally. The fact that she's asking you to move our for Christmas and not be with your son speaks volumes about her priorities.

[flotemysost]

Never been married/a homeowner/a parent, so not much practical advice to add but I'm truly sorry to hear that, it sounds like a horrible situation with hugely unreasonable and stressful demands being made of you - as others have said, please make sure you're looking after your own mental wellbeing among all the practical considerations. Hope you and your son are as OK as you can be given the circumstances.

Although

moving house is insanely stressful and can do quite bonkers things to your mind, which takes a good while to come up from.

this is also something I've heard from various otherwise happy, established couples who very nearly broke up over buying their first place (not during a pandemic).

Also, I'm sure it was just intended in solidarity with cimh, but the comments making misogynistic generalisations aren't needed. FWIW I have a male acquaintance who did pretty much exactly what OP's wife has done (well, they weren't married, but had been together for 6/7 years I think, had just bought their first place together when he suddenly declared he didn't love her etc. etc.). People do shit, inexplicable things regardless of gender.

[confettiinmyhair]

Thanks for the posts, I am in a weird situation with seeking mental health support as I am a Therapist myself and am too connected to local services. Might look for a telephone or online option.

My wife tried to rile me this morning and shouted at me in front of our son, but since then things have been tolerable. I've stayed out of the way by taking Confetti Junior to the park, and then later going for a walk. I'm afraid of the affect this tension and hostility will have on our son. I'm also concerned that due to my wife's temper I'll have to endure a lot more verbal abuse. My wife is back at work tomorrow, and it will hopefully give us some more space.

I really resonated with the comments about knowing what I want and communicating that. I feel quite alone with this as friends and family have warned me about the relationship and that we've had a few on/off moments, so it has been helpful to have this space to vent.

[holyzombiejesus]

I feel really sorry that you're having to go through this. Do you think it's likely that she's just going off on one because of the stress of everything and once things settle down she'll be ok? I certainly wouldn't be spending Christmas week away or moving out. Definitely don't move out. Cheeky cow. Arrange some viewings on Rightmove for her.