Trouble in Paradise: New House Edition

[Twit 2]

GO GO GO GO APE
SMASH SHIT BABY YEEEEAH

[Twit 2]

(Don't have any advice but wanted to contribute anyway. Sorry.)

[GMTV]

Send her out for one last takeaway meal together, then get the locks changed.

[Hand Solo]

Tape a line down the middle of the house and you keep to one side and she can keep to hers. It'd be like that old I Love Lucy episode or the Steptoe & Son one that ripped it off. It'd be hilarious and cheer you all up with the sit-com style problems and hi-jinks you'll all get up to under the lockdown restrictions. As for the son, I suppose you could take the Solomonic route.

I'm a very Rabbinical person.

[confettiinmyhair]

I feel really sorry that you're having to go through this. Do you think it's likely that she's just going off on one because of the stress of everything and once things settle down she'll be ok? I certainly wouldn't be spending Christmas week away or moving out. Definitely don't move out. Cheeky cow. Arrange some viewings on Rightmove for her.

This kind of thing has happened before. And that was my hope. But she has a scorched earth approach, this has happened in her jobs, her family, friendships and other relationships. Earlier this year she disowned her brother due to a relatively minor family dispute.

A few times, the coldness towards me lifts, there's like a look or a laugh at a joke I've made, small signs that she doesn't completely despise me. But it's weird at the same time. Like she doesn't completely believe what actions she's taking.

[AllisonSays]

Have you considered creating a scale model of your house, hiring some actors to play your wife and child, and moving into that?

I'm a very Synedochal person.

Sorry, just wanted to make a stupid joke, but to echo the comments above you seem to be dealing with this very stressful thing with astonishing sangfroid. I hope your wife finds it in herself to communicate with you a wee bit better.

[QDRPHNC]

This kind of thing has happened before. And that was my hope. But she has a scorched earth approach, this has happened in her jobs, her family, friendships and other relationships. Earlier this year she disowned her brother due to a relatively minor family dispute.

A few times, the coldness towards me lifts, there's like a look or a laugh at a joke I've made, small signs that she doesn't completely despise me. But it's weird at the same time. Like she doesn't completely believe what actions she's taking.

Sounds like she's doing you a favour.

[Captain Crunch]

You know that bit in Blackadder when Baldrick says:

Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town? With the blacksmith's strike in its 15th week and the Dorset Horse Fetishist's Fair tomorrow?

You moving out sounds like that to me.  Move out?  And pay a mortgage?  And be away from your son?  In the run up to Christmas?  In the middle of GLOBAL CRISIS?! 

Don't do it, the stress will send you over the edge. 

And, sympathy etc of course. 

[Urinal Cake]

In the short term, you've got some time before Christmas so there's time for change and negotiation. Hopefully you can spend the majority of the holidays with your son and your extended family. She does seem negotiable on that front. 

From what you've said, since you can work from home and you seem the more sympathetic parent (which a social worker assessment should reflect) you should ask to be the primary carer for your son. This also means you would be more likely to stay in the house to raise your son.

To be honest as QDRPHNC suggested be prepared to eventually sell the house if it seems more trouble than it's worth. The house seems like a huge potential issue but maybe it's just that your wife just wants some distance away from you and it's easier for you to move rather than her because of all the stress the first move caused.

[Marner and Me]

Have you considered creating a scale model of your house, hiring some actors to play your wife and child, and moving into that?

I'm a very Synedochal person.

Sorry, just wanted to make a stupid joke, but to echo the comments above you seem to be dealing with this very stressful thing with astonishing sangfroid. I hope your wife finds it in herself to communicate with you a wee bit better.

Or acting it out The Sims

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Your wife shouted at you in front of your son? Not much emotional manipulation going on there, then, along with lashings of caring about your son's psychological well- being.

Get yourself a copper- bottomed, cast- iron guaranteed top- notch lawyer, mate. Do *not* leave your home, and do *not* be going sleeping on the sofa, as other posters have advised you not to do.

No offence, but your missus isn't really coming out of this scenario smelling of roses, mate.

[Blinder Data]

wow, what a seriously horrid situation. I'm sorry you have to go through it. feel free to vent at any time on here

everyone's already said it I guess but I think you could benefit from:

- couples counselling (it could help your wife explain herself if it's via someone else and bring the situation to a better conclusion)

- self-care and self-preservation (look after yourself with therapy and professional mortgage/legal advice)

- not moving out (it's nearly Christmas, your wife is being totally unreasonable, especially as she's the "leaver". it reduces the chances of you staying in the house long-term too)

best of luck

[The Ombudsman]

Sounds like you would be best off separated but move out when you are ready. Not sure on the legal side but I'd record any instances of nastyness and keep a journal of stuff that happens.

[Danger Man]

No offence, but your missus isn't really coming out of this scenario smelling of roses, mate.

Two sides to every story.

(Gene Clark considers not doing a rewrite blah blah blah)

[Hand Solo]

Have you considered the Dr Crippen approach? Mrs has gone on a long holiday away after hurriedly changing her will and you've built yourself a new patio?

I'm a very clinical person.

[falafel]

My wife tried to rile me this morning and shouted at me in front of our son, but since then things have been tolerable. I've stayed out of the way by taking Confetti Junior to the park, and then later going for a walk.

Glad you managed to avoid getting tangled up in that moment. Sounds like you went about it the right way. If it does happen again (however many times) probably good to find a way to pass that burden on as soon as you can, I know from experience the stress it can cause. Someone who makes the shock decision that she has, and who maybe has that history you speak about, could be doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to stay afloat... and a sort of futile lashing out was definitely something I experienced quite a lot when i was going through this. I had a few "how the fuck could you say that" moments, but it was so obviously all coming from fear and bluster in hindsight. You should feel free to continue to pass the buck even to morons like us on this weird site, anything to avoid trying to fathom why a specific incident or accusation or insult just emerged, not least because there's not usually anything resembling a comprehensible reason. Get the monkey onto someone else's back.

Probably not a great idea to to dump a load of pop psychology onto a real life therapist but basically there's never been a better time to put theory into practice.

Any friends or family you do trust to take openly about this with, who you don't expect to say "I told you so"?

[Annie Labuntur]

(Don't have any advice but wanted to contribute anyway. Sorry.)

"Buy her some tealights."

[Shaky]

I haven't much to add but mainly wanted to offer some best wishes to the mix, man. Horrible situation. I split with my partner (had a house, two kids) but it was relatively amicable on both sides so we managed to do the housemates thing for 6 months before I moved out.

For what it's worth, your calm documentation of proceedings on here is really laudable so keep doing that if it helps.

[Annie Labuntur]

^^ Joking apart, the only similar experience I had wasn't as bad as yours sounds - there were no children involved, we weren't married, and we didn't own the house - but it was a long-term relationship which had some fun times but way too many breakdowns, ludicrous arguments and bizarre behaviour on her part. She was a nice girl in lots of ways, but when things did go wrong it was so horrible that when it passed I became disproportionately happy that things had got back to normal, when I should have bitten the bullet instead and ended the relationship. Then the same thing just kept repeating.

To get to the point, I think she took for granted that I'd always forgive her behaviour, but she also respected me less and less because of that. Deep down she absolutely knew what she was doing was horrible, but she knew she'd get away with taking it out on me.
What your wife is doing sounds completely unreasonable and you shouldn't be a pushover, but is it possible there's an element of self-hatred in it and her psyche is disordered to the extent that she doesn't want to carry on being unhappy and making you unhappy in the long term?

All that being said, I've been together with my current bitchqueen lady for nearly 10 years, and things are fine, but we've had a few terrible barneys - flying crockery, dented walls (kicked chair), going to stay with her parents, insane, illogical upsetting nonsense - but that's life, Esther.

This probably isn't helping, but I hope you get to work something out for everyone's sake.

[confettiinmyhair]

Morning all, I think there's definitely some self-destructive tendencies there. Likely due to her being abandoned and rejected by her family members in the past. It's something acknowledged by her when we committed to a raise our son in a loving household together.

For me, I feel like a failure that my love wasn't enough. I started thinking about the last year, when I've at times been drifting, surviving lockdown by being the main breadwinner and provider but not being fully present and attentive enough to her. I tried after the moment she told me that she didn't love me to do more, to listen more, to support even more but I should have been doing that more in the first place.

[Twit 2]

I'd call being the breadwinner attentive. I'm sure if you were unemployed and giving her lots of fuss, she'd be asking you to attend to the mortgage.

[Chedney Honks]

Not much advice but sorry to hear this.

I have a mate who was in a similar situation just before last Christmas. He left the house and moved in with his parents. I told him it was a poor decision. Now she's applying the pressure for him to pay the full mortgage on the house because it's in his name but she can't leave because of the kids' well-being and he needs to get his own place round the corner to help with childcare. Total fuckdown.

Don't be doing anything before talking to a lawyer.

[sirhenry]

For me, I feel like a failure that my love wasn't enough. I started thinking about the last year, when I've at times been drifting, surviving lockdown by being the main breadwinner and provider but not being fully present and attentive enough to her. I tried after the moment she told me that she didn't love me to do more, to listen more, to support even more but I should have been doing that more in the first place.

Don't forget to ask yourself how mutual this was - it takes two.

Stay strong, stay home, be a father.

[Shaky]

Morning all, I think there's definitely some self-destructive tendencies there. Likely due to her being abandoned and rejected by her family members in the past. It's something acknowledged by her when we committed to a raise our son in a loving household together.

For me, I feel like a failure that my love wasn't enough. I started thinking about the last year, when I've at times been drifting, surviving lockdown by being the main breadwinner and provider but not being fully present and attentive enough to her. I tried after the moment she told me that she didn't love me to do more, to listen more, to support even more but I should have been doing that more in the first place.

You're definitely being too hard on yourself but then we tend to do that, don't we? If you working and keeping everything going was making her feel a bit abandoned, she could've said. It's been an extremely difficult year and it sounds like you keep shit afloat (er, so to speak) so be proud of that.

[paruses]

Just to be clear I was saying Don't sleep on the sofa. But you can create space for yourselves within the house to take some pressure off by using the spare room (if I understood right).

[holyzombiejesus]

Do you want to continue with your relationship? Do you want her 'back'?

[Buelligan]

Talk of lawyers aside, can i also suggest you speak to a counsellor or therapist yourself sharpish? I did that when i was in very similar circumstances three years ago and it was a great help getting perspective and working out what I really wanted. It was the exact same time of year too and the support really helped me through winter. I bet they are doing Zoom consultations if you can find somewhere quiet and private to have the discussion, which I guess your wife is doing.

I think couples counseling is a good idea because this sounds like a very rash decision. It's what we did. Right now will probably not be the time to broach it because I expect she would see it as you trying to "persuade her to love you" but even if you do move out and she definitely means it you will do well to work things through because you will have a son in the middle of all this and you need a healthy relationship. Counseling can do this - it isn't necessarily about fixing things, it can also be about ending things well.

I agree with both of the above but just, best to avoid cultivating any resentment about not being considered or having your interests taken into account. You can try and have a more honest discussion and understand better where she is coming from and why she feels like this but I wouldn't bank on getting a particularly great answer, I wouldn't expect miracles if she is not being very empathetic and is concentrating on herself. Which is why I suggested being selfish and sorting out your own shit, not in a fuck-you way but just taking proper stock of your options, your feelings, and what you really want. You can't tell your wife what you want if you don't know yourself.

You need to respond to being booted out (which she can't make you do) but you have to get your head straight as much as you can first. As Urinal Cake said, lots of options, I think two main priorities are fix yourself and avoid recriminations no matter how tempting it might be. If you start to see really bad behaviour and refusal to engage then you might need to start being firmer -but even then it's about not playing the game, it's just removing yourself from the situation in a way that gets you what you need (financial security and your son). I have seen relationships fall into total ruin because of secodn guessing and both parties feeding off each other's negativity and the golden rule is if you think the other person is being a cunt, don't engage, just treat the relationship as transactional, don't let yiur friends talk you into hating her just because they think they're helping by taking sides, and keep your cool.

Don't forget to ask yourself how mutual this was - it takes two.

Stay strong, stay home, be a father.

These are wise words.  IMO, you need to keep calm, as you have been, rise above.  As has been said don't start playing destructive paranoid games, whatever is behind her unreasonable behaviour, it's not going to get fixed if you let it push you to behave unreasonably. 

I know neither of you but I'd say this woman sounds like she sometimes uses drama and emotion to avoid dealing with adulthood.  Be the adult, show her how it's done, don't get pulled into destructive behaviour that will harm all of you (and for which you may well be judged harshly if it comes to it).

I send you all the courage in the world.  Take care of yourself and your son and do the best you can for your family.

[Butchers Blind]

Have you tried buying her flowers?

[Huxleys Babkins]

Morning all, I think there's definitely some self-destructive tendencies there. Likely due to her being abandoned and rejected by her family members in the past. It's something acknowledged by her when we committed to a raise our son in a loving household together.

For me, I feel like a failure that my love wasn't enough. I started thinking about the last year, when I've at times been drifting, surviving lockdown by being the main breadwinner and provider but not being fully present and attentive enough to her. I tried after the moment she told me that she didn't love me to do more, to listen more, to support even more but I should have been doing that more in the first place.

When me and my ex split up, we had conversations along similar lines. Lots of completely conflicting problems; suggesting I get a second job to increase our income, but also complaining that she's home alone with the kids all day long. Ultimately, I came to realise that these weren't real problems with me, but general frustrations and because she was unable to look inward and try to find her own solutions, it had to be me that was wrong.

She eventually cheated on me with someone who was everything she thought I should have been but, of course, it didn't last because I was never the problem and he wasn't the solution.

In short, don't take anything she says personally and don't try to change for her. It's her with the problem, not you.

[confettiinmyhair]

Do you want to continue with your relationship? Do you want her 'back'?

I've been trying to explain we could work through this, and move forwards as a couple. But I have to respect her wishes to want to separate, even if she's not really explained much other then she doesn't love me anymore.

Today there's been a peaceful atmosphere in the house. She's been working from home,  but speaking to me normally. I made her lunch, told her about what me and Confetti junior had done. It's felt almost normal.