Trouble in Paradise: New House Edition

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Don't sleep on the sofa.

Don't worry, readers- I know how unhelpful it would be to post this quote with a " Petula Clarke demands rewrite from Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent" comment, so I'm not going to bother.

[drummersaredeaf]

On the positive side, a bitter divorce should open up doors for many new career opportunities. Like driving a cab. Once you've done the 'they're fucking snakes mate' module, you only have to do the 'it's an invasion' module and you're fully qualified.

[confettiinmyhair]

Bad news. A huge argument erupted this evening. I was just so emotionally beaten that I've left the house. She started talking about mediation and taking me to the cleaners. I'm done. It's over.

I'm safe, staying with family.

[QDRPHNC]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's horrible.

[Urinal Cake]

Sorry to hear that. Does your son understand what has happened?

In mediation you can't be 'taken to the cleaners' unless you agree to be taken to the cleaners. The mediator should just help negotiations between both parties.

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

Leave the house, buy some elaborate prosthetics to disguise yourself as an elderly British nanny, move back into the house. Everybody wins.

[Annie Labuntur]

Bad news. A huge argument erupted this evening. I was just so emotionally beaten that I've left the house. She started talking about mediation and taking me to the cleaners. I'm done. It's over.

I'm safe, staying with family.

When I saw your earlier post about things becoming pleasant I'm afraid I thought... here it comes.

Unpleasant arguments in a happy relationship are normal, but there's something uniquely dysfunctional about the arguments in bad relationships. They're illogical and repeat the same pattern out of all proportion with what's gone before, and the sheer relief when they're over leads you to paper over the problem.

Try to be inwardly positive and not get dragged down, and remember each day is a step closer to it being resolved however difficult it's going to be.

[falafel]

That's terrible. Sorry it has come to that. I know it's much more complicated with a kid involved but I hope at least being with family for a bit can let you breathe some less toxic air and steel yourself. Have a takeaway, have a beer (maybe just one), assess your options.

I've been giving a lot of advice so far in this thread, eventually it's just noise and repetition, it just comes down to looking after yourself and always thinking what's best for your son. In the words of George Clooney, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. So i would batten down the hatches and treat any mud that comes your way as an act of God.

[Ferris]

[ferris enters thread, excited to relate to another poster as he is moving into first house with his wife and son in 3 days]

...

[ferris leaves thread terrified]

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all this, it sounds horrible. Your former partner sounds completely loopy at best and I don't have anything to add except your sprog is now priority #1. And take a day to get your head together, then seek legal advice so she doesn't take the piss.

You'll get though this, but it's a horrible situation. All the best with it.

[confettiinmyhair]

Thanks Ferris, good luck with your move.

This morning I've felt horrid. I'm working from home, and during a supervision meeting I just offloaded to my colleague. It felt better afterwards and made me realise I'm not wrong to see my wife's behaviour as unreasonable. I've reached out to my best friend and my sister, I'm going to fill them in with what's happened. Talking will help. Tomorrow I've got to clean the old rental place, paint some walls Saturday there and hand back the old keys Monday. I think saying goodbye to the old house will be cathartic.

Friday I'm going to spend the whole day with my son. I'll cherish every moment of that day. Same also Monday and Tuesday next week. I'll probably also have to collect more of my stuff at some stage.

I've just got a load of old bags on the floor of the spare room of my parents house. It feels humiliating to be back there with my tail between my legs. They're kind, loving, and have my best interests at heart. I'm wary that I'll be short with them, and that feelings will leak out. I also don't want our talks to turn into saying how bad my wife is. I'm not sure why I defended my wife when my Mum said that she's a horrible person earlier this morning.

[falafel]

They'll forgive you if you're a dick to them in these circumstances. I mean, try not to be a dick, but they'll forgive you.

[bgmnts]

Why do you have to move out again?

[GMTV]

You're allowed to feel down and beat yourself up a bit, but there's nothing humiliating about what you've described.

If she's the kind of person you're saying she is you're honestly moving to a better phase of your life on your own, with your son a key part of it. You're better than that life you were living there.

Your parents will look after you for a bit until you can dust yourself off and move on with things.

I went through a break up of a long term relationship a number of years ago. At first it was almost every waking moment obsessing over the end and wondering could things have been different etc. Then that gradually reduced to a few times a day and so on. Probably six months before it wasn't a dominating factor in my life.

[Bernice]

I've just got a load of old bags on the floor of the spare room of my parents house. It feels humiliating to be back there with my tail between my legs. They're kind, loving, and have my best interests at heart. I'm wary that I'll be short with them, and that feelings will leak out. I also don't want our talks to turn into saying how bad my wife is. I'm not sure why I defended my wife when my Mum said that she's a horrible person earlier this morning.

From my experience, some people struggle to end a relationship without hatred and cruelty toward the other party. Far harder to try and look at the thing squarely, to accept the fact that you were in love and that things went wrong, to try and look within as well as without to resolve that. Harder but also more fulfilling, and more conducive to growth, betterment and strong future relationships. I wouldn't waste too much time defending her to those around you who want to talk her down, but nor should you see it as a personal failing or some source of shame that you don't reciprocate that hate or that you would rather have worked things out. These are signs that you are a thoughtful and sensitive person, and this is good.

That said, while you are not hating her you need to be clear about firming up your boundaries and not letting your sympathy for her and your nuanced view of things drive you to accept, in any way, her terrible behaviour or whatever shitty version of you she has to hold in her head to justify the same.

This is obviously a shit situation and is going to get worse before it gets better. Among all the other shit, don't let it lessen how you see yourself. 

[Icehaven]

I'm curious as to any justification she feels she has for "taking you to the cleaners" other than that she fell out of love with you. I mean that's the kind of thing you say when you think you've been wronged by the other party or that they're at fault, so does she have any other accusations or aspects she thinks you're to blame for or is it literally "I don't love you anymore so I'm going to wreck your life."?

[Huxleys Babkins]

My ex used the threat of "cleaners" on a regular basis to try to manipulate me into doing things for her and extracting money after we split. It's why it's worth lawyering up and working out what your liabilities really are so you can call her bluff. And keep diaries, bank statements and receipts so that when the inevitable "he doesn't pay enough" comes up, you've enough hard copy evidence to win.

It's a bit mad thinking back to that now. It's been seven years since we split and we haven't fought about anything in at least a couple of years. From threatening to take my boy abroad and demanding I live in a flat she'd picked out, to being almost friends. Almost. Because I've forgiven, but I won't forget.

[Hand Solo]

Is she really this nasty? Are we getting a fair description of the situation from the OPer? Is she using unprovoked arguments in front of the son as a weaponised device to get her own way and force the OPer out? Does she get the house to herself now even when there's a lockdown on just through being a complete bitch? Is that fair? Is it cool? Is this cool?

I'm a very quizzical person.

[QDRPHNC]

I've talked about my second ex on here before, the one with BPD. OP's description reminds me of her, but as you point out, it is just OP's description. Mine wouldn't leave the apartment I'd paid the rent and bills for the previous 2 years. She told me in an email she didn't really want the apartment, she was just forcing me and my son to leave to "fuck with" me. Like the OP, I hadn't actually done anything wrong, I just wasn't the person she demanded I be, and therefore became the enemy.

But I called her bluff somewhat, and didn't give her the fight she was after. I found a much better apartment much closer to my kid's school, packed up and left. I was walking on air for about a year afterwards. Living with a high-conflict personality can be strange and confusing. It can turn your mind upside down.

[canadagoose]

I'm curious as to any justification she feels she has for "taking you to the cleaners" other than that she fell out of love with you. I mean that's the kind of thing you say when you think you've been wronged by the other party or that they're at fault, so does she have any other accusations or aspects she thinks you're to blame for or is it literally "I don't love you anymore so I'm going to wreck your life."?

I agree, what's the deal there? She sounds like a pain. Hopefully your solicitor will sort things out so you don't get too screwed over by this person.

[confettiinmyhair]

I don't know if she truly believes in the idea of taking me to the cleaners, or if it was said in a heated moment with venom. It would be counterproductive to ruin me, as that would have an impact on our son. Also, there's nothing really to clean. I have debt, outgoings, no assets to my name.

[Twit 2]

I've talked about my second ex on here before, the one with BPD. OP's description reminds me of her, but as you point out, it is just OP's description. Mine wouldn't leave the apartment I'd paid the rent and bills for the previous 2 years. She told me in an email she didn't really want the apartment, she was just forcing me and my son to leave to "fuck with" me. Like the OP, I hadn't actually done anything wrong, I just wasn't the person she demanded I be, and therefore became the enemy.

But I called her bluff somewhat, and didn't give her the fight she was after. I found a much better apartment much closer to my kid's school, packed up and left. I was walking on air for about a year afterwards. Living with a high-conflict personality can be strange and confusing. It can turn your mind upside down.

I wrote BPD in an earlier post and then edited it out. I think you may be right. It is speculation based on limited information but it does seem to fit.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I hope you left an upper decker on your way out regardless!

[Buelligan]

Could I just suggest, that you keep a diary of all of this.  No need for going mad, just keep a proper record, conversations, times, dates, things like clearing out the rental or your partner being nice as well as not so nice.  One day you may find it and think I don't want to read that and just burn it but you may find it saves you a giant dreadful arse-kicking.  So do it, please don't put it off, the worst that can happen is that it'll be a waste of a few minutes' time each day and it may even help you process some of this (as well as saving your lovely arse). 

[Zetetic]

For anyone who's not aware of the term, "BPD" mostly seems to be used by:

1) Mental health services to deny any continued attempt to help people that they've repeatedly failed, often women with a history of complex trauma and ineffective interpersonal strategies (and its application is accordingly associated with subsequently completing suicide).

2) Angry misogynists who create and share videos titled things like Shutt--g D--n Your B-rd-rl-ne Ex: Chainsaw S-yle.

For the most part, people using it don't seem to really be interested in understanding the nature of someone's behaviour or what drives it or how to deal with it, but instead labelling someone as inhumanly monstrous and inventing stupid motivations for their clearly counterproductive behaviour.

Keir Harding's brief blogposts on his work as an occupational therapist working with people who have attracted the label, are worth a skim - for anyone really - as another perspective that still acknowledges that people can be very challenging, unpleasant and upsetting to deal with while still acknowledging that they're humans and likely not terribly happy with results either.

That might be a useful perspective under the circumstances, which both allows you to recognise that you are being treated badly and that - nevertheless - your partner probably isn't actually getting much out of doing so.

[Zetetic]

(Although I think there's a good chance that none of that is revelatory to you confettiinmyhair.)

[Sebastian Cobb]

Nearly had him shitting in a bog cistern only for zet to ruin it. Fucking typical.

[holyzombiejesus]

Why have you moved out? Couldn't you have stayed living in the house but kept your distance whilst still maintaining your presence for your son? Honestly, I feel terrible for you. Must be such a horrible heartbreaking situation. Fuck, it's awful. Could you keep custody of your son?

[QDRPHNC]

For anyone who's not aware of the term, "BPD" mostly seems to be used by:

1) Mental health services to deny any continued attempt to help people that they've repeatedly failed, often women with a history of complex trauma and ineffective interpersonal strategies (and its application is accordingly associated with subsequently completing suicide).

2) Angry misogynists who create and share videos titled things like Shutt--g D--n Your B-rd-rl-ne Ex: Chainsaw S-yle.

For the most part, people using it don't seem to really be interested in understanding the nature of someone's behaviour or what drives it or how to deal with it, but instead labelling someone as inhumanly monstrous and inventing stupid motivations for their clearly counterproductive behaviour.

Keir Harding's brief blogposts on his work as an occupational therapist working with people who have attracted the label, are worth a skim - for anyone really - as another perspective that still acknowledges that people can be very challenging, unpleasant and upsetting to deal with while still acknowledging that they're humans and likely not terribly happy with results either.

That might be a useful perspective under the circumstances, which both allows you to recognise that you are being treated badly and that - nevertheless - your partner probably isn't actually getting much out of doing so.

I doubt very much you would say that to a woman who was being emotionally or physically abused by her male partner.

[jamiefairlie]

hate to say it but it sounds like she may already be in another relationship. I've seen it too many times, rather than take responsibility for unilaterally leaving and living with that guilt, women sometimes use this tactic of behaving very horribly to their spouse and so force him to distance himself, leaving her to feel more vindicated in her claim that the marriage isn't working.

[Bernice]

For anyone who's not aware of the term, "BPD" mostly seems to be used by:

1) Mental health services to deny any continued attempt to help people that they've repeatedly failed, often women with a history of complex trauma and ineffective interpersonal strategies (and its application is accordingly associated with subsequently completing suicide).

2) Angry misogynists who create and share videos titled things like Shutt--g D--n Your B-rd-rl-ne Ex: Chainsaw S-yle.

For the most part, people using it don't seem to really be interested in understanding the nature of someone's behaviour or what drives it or how to deal with it, but instead labelling someone as inhumanly monstrous and inventing stupid motivations for their clearly counterproductive behaviour.

Keir Harding's brief blogposts on his work as an occupational therapist working with people who have attracted the label, are worth a skim - for anyone really - as another perspective that still acknowledges that people can be very challenging, unpleasant and upsetting to deal with while still acknowledging that they're humans and likely not terribly happy with results either.

That might be a useful perspective under the circumstances, which both allows you to recognise that you are being treated badly and that - nevertheless - your partner probably isn't actually getting much out of doing so.

Interesting this. My good friend's wife has been diagnosed with BPD - for what it's worth, she seems to have thrived with the label and the treatment/coping strategies she's been given as a result. While their relationship is not particularly easy, it is clearly loving. I see no signs of the abusive/confrontational dynamic people often associate with it. But he was telling me recently that he'd sought out online communities of BPD spouses only to find them dominated by bitter exes saying "Fuck it, don't go there, dump the bitch now and save yourself heartache" etc.

I doubt very much you would say that to a woman who was being emotionally or physically abused by her male partner.

Why would he?