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The first shit christmas poem of 2020 maybe

Started by SpiderChrist, December 07, 2020, 09:02:23 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

SpiderChrist

Spotted on Facebook. Fill yer boots:

Christmas 2020


With Christmas soon upon us in this pandemic filled year
Renowned for celebration with people we hold dear
But as it gets nearer we all wonder whether
We and our loved ones can all be together

With different covid tiers now actively in play
It feels like they may actually ruin the big day
But let's turn this situation on its head
Focus on the positives out there instead

Count your blessings for the likes of skype and zoom
Heart-warmingly bringing loved ones into your front room
Separated by distance, but not totally apart
Surely this knowledge brings joy to your heart

Pause to think of others living near to you
They may need your help, is there something you can do?
It won't bring your loved ones into your home
But it will enforce for all that we're not on our own

Children of all ages are so terribly excited
Oblivious to who was originally invited
Captured by the magic and wonder of the day
Brimming with the prospect that Santa's on his way

Find warmth in the festivities, decorate that tree
With tinsel and baubles, the best it can be
A scatter of Christmas cards draped on the wall
A nice display of decorations brightening up the hall

There will be folks this year spending Christmas all alone
For many a reason, to us unbeknown
They can't join your households, the rules won't allow
Why not plate them up a meal, to include them somehow

This Christmas will be different, of that there is no doubt
Let's try to make the best of it, figure something out
The pandemic may physically keep us apart
But hold on for tomorrow with hope in your heart

shiftwork2

Pox Christmas

by

shiftwork2

Nana's been at the sherry.
Figgy pudding has swapped a sixpence for a viral load.
February is just a dream.

Paul Calf

Quote from: SpiderChrist on December 07, 2020, 09:02:23 AM
Spotted on Facebook. Fill yer boots:

Christmas 2020


With Christmas soon upon us in this pandemic filled year
Renowned for celebration with people we hold dear
But as it gets nearer we all wonder whether
We and our loved ones can all be together

With different covid tiers now actively in play
It feels like they may actually ruin the big day
But let's turn this situation on its head
Focus on the positives out there instead

Count your blessings for the likes of skype and zoom
Heart-warmingly bringing loved ones into your front room
Separated by distance, but not totally apart
Surely this knowledge brings joy to your heart

Pause to think of others living near to you
They may need your help, is there something you can do?
It won't bring your loved ones into your home
But it will enforce for all that we're not on our own

Children of all ages are so terribly excited
Oblivious to who was originally invited
Captured by the magic and wonder of the day
Brimming with the prospect that Santa's on his way

Find warmth in the festivities, decorate that tree
With tinsel and baubles, the best it can be
A scatter of Christmas cards draped on the wall
A nice display of decorations brightening up the hall

There will be folks this year spending Christmas all alone
For many a reason, to us unbeknown
They can't join your households, the rules won't allow
Why not plate them up a meal, to include them somehow

This Christmas will be different, of that there is no doubt
Let's try to make the best of it, figure something out
The pandemic may physically keep us apart
But hold on for tomorrow with hope in your heart


IT DOESN'T FUCKING SCAN.

AAARGAGHGHAGHAGHGA.

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

paruses

Quote from: Paul Calf on December 07, 2020, 09:44:11 AM
IT DOESN'T FUCKING SCAN.

AAARGAGHGHAGHAGHGA.

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

With you 100%.

bgmnts

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Thank fuck this Christmas,
I don't have to see my stupid racist xenophobic sexist homophobic relatives.

Norton Canes

Quote from: Paul Calf on December 07, 2020, 09:44:11 AM
IT DOESN'T FUCKING SCAN.

AAARGAGHGHAGHAGHGA

Reading it is like sitting in a tumble dryer


Cursus

QuoteThere will be folks this year spending Christmas all alone
For many a reason, to us unbeknown
They can't join your households, the rules won't allow
Why not plate them up a meal, to include them somehow

idunnosomename

Find warmth in the festivities, decorate thate tree
With tinsel and baubles, the best THAT it can be

sorry that was annoying me. its like, fucking hell, how many syllables do they think there are in "it"

this is surely a first draft. fuck me. the sheer gall of putting this out there. laziness exemplified

Kankurette


Pingers

Quote from: idunnosomename on December 07, 2020, 01:01:22 PM
Find warmth in the festivities, decorate thate tree
With tinsel and baubles, the best THAT it can be

sorry that was annoying me. its like, fucking hell, how many syllables do they think there are in "it"

this is surely a first draft. fuck me. the sheer gall of putting this out there. laziness exemplified

I know. I would have expected better of Spider Christ to be honest.

Pingers

I wish you a merry Christmas
I wish you a merry Christmas
I wish you a merry Christmas
And I've got a good feeling about 2147

Twonty Gostelow

Quote from: Cursus on December 07, 2020, 12:08:45 PM
There will be folks this year spending Christmas all alone
For many a reason, to us unbeknown
They can't join your households, the rules won't allow
Why not plate them up a meal, to include them somehow

I was about to single that glorious stanza out myself. Over-reaching with "unbeknown" and then the bathetic "why not plate them up a meal" is great. (The answer to that last question is, because I might give them Covid.)

The Nottingham Evening Post used to print some dreadful readers' poems on the Letters page, apparently sincerely. I asked a journalist I knew if they picked the worst ones deliberately and he told me all of them were more or less shit.

Butchers Blind

It's Christmas time,
I'm pissed up on wine,
Port, Beer and Whiskey,
Gin, Vodka and Brandy


Paul Calf

[tag]Vogons enter thread in a fighting stance but give up halfway through the second verse and admit defeat[/tag]

Pingers

Has anyone written any Christmas cards yet? I have, and although I do genuinely wish them a happy New Year, it does feel like taking the piss.

paruses

Just downgrade it to "An acceptable New Year".

SpiderChrist

Quote from: Pingers on December 07, 2020, 01:08:59 PM
I know. I would have expected better of Spider Christ to be honest.

More fool you.

steve98


Bittersweet.

As we on our turkey do chew,
All joyfulness (and pudding too),
And then some cake and nice mince-
Pies... And so, replete, we cast our eyes-
Of-memory back on those we've lost,
In road-tunnels or on The Cross.



shiftwork2

Totally forgot about

In the words of Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone and keep safe.

More resonant now than ever.


Pingers

Quote from: shiftwork2 on December 07, 2020, 03:22:34 PM
Totally forgot about

In the words of Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone and keep safe.

More resonant now than ever.

Johnson says new government slogan "will do"

dr_christian_troy

You better watch out
You better not cry
One way or another
I'm gonna get you get you get you
I'm Santa

PaulTMA

The "blessing" of Skype and Zoom, hasn't this old cunt heard of the digital divide?

Chedney Honks

And so, my friends, gather ye round and listen well.
For 'tis upon us our dearest and cheeriest Noel,
The goose is being basted by butter so brown
While Santa doffs his hat and baby Jesus his crown.

Away in a manger, we learned as little ones.
Ne'er better to recall these times now long gone,
For the Christmases past are so wistfully many
Gift memories of a red India rubber ball and a penny.

The shepherd's could never of dreamed of that lockdown
As they made their dignified way to Bethlehem town
The only corona in sight was on the babe's head
And not in the lungs of the thousands of dead.

But Saint Nick will be here soon to redeem this foul year
So let's all raise a glass, be it wine or be it beer,
For tonight is the night during which every child can't sleep
No matter how long they spend trying to count sheep!

And now we're all round the Christmas table eating blankets of pig
And for afters let's all have some pudding of fig
And say Merry Christmas my dears and cheers to the host!
Remembering the Father, the Son and the Holiest of Ghost.

thenoise

Christmas is my favourite day
But this year it is going to be proper gay
My mum is self isolating so she wont be able to go to the shop
I bet my presents will be a load of plop

Washing the potatoes in the sink
Sprouts make my farts fucking stink
At least my Dad won't be getting pissed this year
He puked his guts up after too much beer

He decorated our bog
Got a dirty bum when I sat down for my Yuletide log
But this year cos of this covid illness
He wont be able to make a mess

My bro thinks it's all a conspiracy
Caused by Bill Gates installing 5G
He wont wear a mask on his smug cunting face
And hes putting bullshit stickers up all over the place

But they cant stop us putting up the Christmas tree
And making each other happy
I hope Granny doesnt end up in Resus
When we celebrate the birth of our dear saviour Jesus

easytarget

Quote from: Twonty Gostelow on December 07, 2020, 01:44:40 PM
I was about to single that glorious stanza out myself. Over-reaching with "unbeknown"

Highlight of the whole thing.

You can hear the gears turning
"For many a reason, to us unbeknown"

"hmm, shall I take another pass at that? Nah, it's FAAHKING GOLD!"


Cursus

Found online:

A Christmas Poem

Twas the night before 25th March, and all through the town
Not a client could enter due to COVID lockdown
Working from home had become the new norm
It was here that the dreaded Zoom meeting was born

There were dogs, there were cats and plenty of shaved heads
People working in kitchens, front rooms and even on beds
Sarah had brownies delivered to our door
To make up for 'Friday treats' which were sadly no more

Not much has happened in the year left behind
Apart from Leone who changed her mind . . . .
She was going to leave but then came back
She would miss us too much especially the craic

No football for Jack, Peter or Paul
No holidays abroad to be had by all
Festivals cancelled, gigs postponed
This is getting ridiculous Tom and Rico moaned

'I miss Elaine' said Zoe
'I miss Zoe' said Elaine
Not long until we're reunited in middle earth once again

Back in the office from the 1st of June
About time to, not a moment to soon
Emma and Denise on lunch having a natter
With matt in commercial waiting on his Turkish platter

Second lockdown approached and the front door was shut
Its all doom and gloom, However there was a but . . . .

We had visits from Alfie, on his weekly trip
Although we've not seen him lately since he's had the snip
He'll be welcomed back with plenty of treats
He can eat all he wants, as long as their not Pete's!

As we head into the last quarter and Christmas is near
Despite lockdown restrictions please do not fear
There's a new member of staff to bring us some cheer
JP can dress up as Ashbourne Santa this year!

A last verse from me to welcome 2021
Lets hope it's a good year and we can all have some fun
For the last 12 months have been no mean feat
2020 . . . . Ctrl, Alt, Delete!

Cursus

And from the Portsmouth Herald:

A Different Kind Of Christmas

Up at the North Pole where Santa resides
He's pondering! And trying to decide!
The world is in such a frantic hullabaloo
He has to make up his mind! About what to do!
Along with Rudolph and his other eight reindeer
Like all of us! They have the pandemic fear!
Mrs. Claus soon put his mind at ease
She said! I have a solution! If you please!
Between now and Christmas it will be no task
To create and sew! Nine reindeer masks!
One of course will be of a different design
For Rudolph! Clear plastic! Will do just fine!
If it happens to be a foggy Christmas Eve
Rudolph will lead the pack! With expertise!
With his nose so red he will lead the way
We'll all get our presents! Hooray! Hooray!

By Richard "W" Perkins

(The "W" is for "We" all love Rudolph!)

SpiderChrist

Quote from: Cursus on December 07, 2020, 09:02:36 PM
And from the Portsmouth Herald:

A Different Kind Of Christmas

Up at the North Pole where Santa resides
He's pondering! And trying to decide!
The world is in such a frantic hullabaloo
He has to make up his mind! About what to do!
Along with Rudolph and his other eight reindeer
Like all of us! They have the pandemic fear!
Mrs. Claus soon put his mind at ease
She said! I have a solution! If you please!
Between now and Christmas it will be no task
To create and sew! Nine reindeer masks!
One of course will be of a different design
For Rudolph! Clear plastic! Will do just fine!
If it happens to be a foggy Christmas Eve
Rudolph will lead the pack! With expertise!
With his nose so red he will lead the way
We'll all get our presents! Hooray! Hooray!

By Richard "W" Perkins

(The "W" is for "We" all love Rudolph!)

Someone got a big bag of exclamation marks for their birthday. They sound utterly demented.

SpiderChrist

Quote from: SpiderChrist on December 07, 2020, 09:06:10 PM
Someone got a big bag of exclamation marks for their birthday. They sound utterly demented. Ah, Portsmouth. Makes sense now.