The first shit christmas poem of 2020 maybe

[SpiderChrist]

Ha! The FUCK am I doing? Night x

[steve98]

That Rudolph/Corvid shite is fucking boak-making. To think a grown adult wrote that.

[bgmnts]

Some of these are very good.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

That Rudolph/Corvid shite is fucking boak-making. To think a grown adult wrote that.

the best I can come up with is

Log onto Mass and say an auld prayer
Don't be spending your money on shite that's too daor

[Icehaven]

We had two abysmal examples in our weekly work newsletter, both possibly written by colleagues and to the tune of popular Xmas songs. Barely a single line scanned, I tell you. If I can I'll repost them here later.

[Twit 2]

.

[Janie Jones]

And so, my friends, gather ye round and listen well.
For 'tis upon us our dearest and cheeriest Noel,
The goose is being basted by butter so brown
While Santa doffs his hat and baby Jesus his crown.

Away in a manger, we learned as little ones.
Ne'er better to recall these times now long gone,
For the Christmases past are so wistfully many
Gift memories of a red India rubber ball and a penny.

The shepherd's could never of dreamed of that lockdown
As they made their dignified way to Bethlehem town
The only corona in sight was on the babe's head
And not in the lungs of the thousands of dead.

But Saint Nick will be here soon to redeem this foul year
So let's all raise a glass, be it wine or be it beer,
For tonight is the night during which every child can't sleep
No matter how long they spend trying to count sheep!

And now we're all round the Christmas table eating blankets of pig
And for afters let's all have some pudding of fig
And say Merry Christmas my dears and cheers to the host!
Remembering the Father, the Son and the Holiest of Ghost.

This is brilliant. The middle verse is outstanding.

[Captain Z]

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the oasthouse
Nothing was stirring, not even a ghost mouse

[Gregory Torso]

Christmas comes but once a year,
so why should we spend it cowering in fear?
by cow towing to the government
And wearing masks when we see our Parents.

We want Jesus the Giver, not Scrooge the miser,
we want Santa Claus not Hand "Santa"tiser
we want the angels to sing from above,
not supermarket workers saying "put your mask on, love"

God gave me a mouth and a nose and a face
not to be covered up in disgrace!
His love in my lungs is all I need
not government soap and govermnent screed.

Trapped in are homes,  we can't see our neighbours
who come from all walks of life, all flavours,
and have always supported our community
with our strong english systems of immunity.

Cough in my face, I dare, you, come on then!
my Body is strong it's got Jesus with in
His love shall expell the germs of Corona,
we shall put to bed all the Brexit re-moaners!

Take your fake vaccines like good little subjects
they cause Autism and other bad side effects.
Meanwhile in Church we shall gather today,
not to self-isolate, but merely to P R A Y

Christmas comes but in December
It is a time for us all, to remember
through all hardships that we must endure
JESUS is your vaccine and GOD is your cure.

[Twonty Gostelow]

Covid or no Covid
Our Lord's Earth keeps turning
God plimp wheep aarghh Christ oww
Can someone smell burning?

[pancreas]

My mum died of covid;
Now that really stung.
But then it got worse:
Dad shat out his lung.

My sister got sick
And she died pretty quick.
The sound of the vent'
Really hardened my prick.

The dog, he was next;
Cos I fucked him to death.
I was out of my mind
With pain and distress.

My uncle came round
To help me in need.
But he dropped dead too,
So I filled him with seed.

Now that it's Christmas,
No presents await,
Since family dead;
So I wanked on a plate.

[TheBrownBottle]

AAARGAGHGHAGHAGHGA.

^{Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.}

If that was the rhyming scheme it would've at least been interesting.  AABB is the hallmark of the hack.

[Golden E. Pump]

Christmas poetry,
Emetic in its nature.
The saddest part is

[idunnosomename]

I'll give you one last chance at honesty. Did you insinuate my reindeer were superspreaders in the Plymouth Herald comments section?

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Christmas is top, Christmas is ace
Despite cunts carking it from Covid all over the place
It's time to celebrate the birth of that great bunch of lads Jesus
And not worry about deathly fucking fatal diseases.

[touchingcloth]

I can't be doing with the hectoring tone in that first poem.

"Why not plate them up a meal, to include them somehow"

Why don't you plate them up a meal? Cunt.

[steve98]

Or invite them intae yir precious hame, where they kin sit, inclusively, at the table, wi yir precious fuckin' family?


EDIT. I made a mistake. The poem does say (in regard to letting a tramp sit at your Xmas dinner table) "The [Covid] rules don't allow"). My mistake, fair enough, should've checked.

[monkfromhavana]

Indomitable Spirit

"I think you're muted"
"Is my camera showing?"
The year of Zoom calls,
The memes are growing!
Unconventional working,
And lockdown hair,
Children interrupting,
But showing we care.
In the times we stood together,
In the times we were apart,
Our Family and Friends,
Kept safe in our hearts.
As Christmas approaches,
Mistletoe and (too much) wine,
Slurring 'Last Christmas',
Almost line by line!
Parts may be different,
Most will be the same,
Like stuffing our bellies,
Before that obligatory Christmas game!
So, as we reflect,
With hope for the New Year,
Our indomitable spirit,
Gives us reason to cheer.

Wishing everyone a safe and Happy Christmas and New Year!

Some people in the workplace really make all your senses bleed. This came with an into spiel saying that it was "for FREE!" and with a copyright symbol at the end.

[bgmnts]

No stuffing, no sprout, no wine that's been mulled,
No turkeys about as they've all gotten culled,
No going to church to praise babies in mangers,
Just left in the lurch with virulent dangers.

No queues for an hour for cheap tat to buy,
Now Amazon we scour, I just want to cry,
It's so fucking great, I want all to hear,
I'll not remonstrate if it's like this each year.

No getting up early to go see my nan,
No more feeling surly, doing all that I can,
To keep on a grin around arsehole loved ones,
Liver doused in straight gin, eating shit in the tonnes.

I can end 2020 relaxed in my flat,
Eating roast veg aplenty, getting not quite as fat,
Purely opulent, the pleasures obscene,
But they only went and made the fucking Vaccine.

Now Christmas is saved, I'm forced to be jolly,
My dreams have been graved in a coffin of holly,
Fake smiles I'll allow, like a tragic, sad clown,
Feel like shit right now, I just want my lockdown.

[thecuriousorange]

We celebrated Christmas early and this joke was in my cracker.

Q. WHY DIDN'T SANTA PUT HIS ELVES ON FURLOUGH?

A. THE PLANDEMIC "VIRUS" IS A LIE.

[dr_christian_troy]

One day we'll look back on this year fondly
But more so years before
When it was all fields
And we weren't here
Like we won't be soon either
Bye

[Clatty McCutcheon]

It hasn't felt like the run up to Christmas without any stories about families being ripped off by a 'winter wonderland' attraction in a muddy field featuring 'reindeer' (donkeys wearing plastic antlers), a hungover Santa Claus, and drug-addled elves smoking fags and swearing.

Another great Christmas tradition kiboshed by Covid.  I would've expected some imaginative entrepreneur to come up with a socially distanced Lapland-style experience.

[steve98]

I read yesterday of a winter market that got blown to bits by a hurricane, in Hertford or Hampshire or  some such shithole - that's something... But yeah, no Wonderland misery this year. Shame.

[flotemysost]

Never did we guess we'd be dealt this cruel hand
Someone munched on a bat in a strange foreign land
Then a terrible plague that viciously kills
Descended on England's green rolling hills.

One minute we were living as good honest Brits
The next we were dying, or at least had the shits
Transport at a standstill, Asda shelves bare
How in the world did we end up there?

Hearty pursuits that we'd cherished before
Were suddenly overnight breaking the law
We're left with banana bread and Joe Exotic
Or Pornhub for something a tad more erotic

But some things can't be quashed by a strange heathen bug
That won't stop me from giving Granny a hug
They can't cancel Christmas, that's just plain old crazy
Even if my relatives end up pushing up daisies

No stuffing, no sprout, no wine that's been mulled,
No turkeys about as they've all gotten culled,
No going to church to praise babies in mangers,
Just left in the lurch with virulent dangers.

No queues for an hour for cheap tat to buy,
Now Amazon we scour, I just want to cry,
It's so fucking great, I want all to hear,
I'll not remonstrate if it's like this each year.

No getting up early to go see my nan,
No more feeling surly, doing all that I can,
To keep on a grin around arsehole loved ones,
Liver doused in straight gin, eating shit in the tonnes.

I can end 2020 relaxed in my flat,
Eating roast veg aplenty, getting not quite as fat,
Purely opulent, the pleasures obscene,
But they only went and made the fucking Vaccine.

Now Christmas is saved, I'm forced to be jolly,
My dreams have been graved in a coffin of holly,
Fake smiles I'll allow, like a tragic, sad clown,
Feel like shit right now, I just want my lockdown.

This is fab.

[Chedney Honks]

He one hundred percent should have finished with:

Feel like pure shit just wanna lockdown.

[touchingcloth]

Three wise men brought frankincense
And myrrh with which to rub
But this Christmas brings "COVID"
And we can't go down the pub

The sheeple were their masks now
Like they think they bring them luck
But we know we must ACT NOW
Come on, join our mighty truck

Hitler sent his Luftwaffe
But did fearless Winston blink
A "virus" did more than the Bosh could
Boris Johnson, do you even think?

Their bubbles we don't need them
Social distance we won't heed
Speaking like Yoda we are now
And are poems must you read

Grannies, Chelsea Pensioners
Learning times tables in school
But the kids these days just Twit Tok
And the government over them rule

So don't you take there vaccine
And refuse them there 5G
Now we've got our Brexit
Next Christmas will be merry

[Chedney Honks]

[Kankurette]

And so, my friends, gather ye round and listen well.
For 'tis upon us our dearest and cheeriest Noel,
The goose is being basted by butter so brown
While Santa doffs his hat and baby Jesus his crown.

Away in a manger, we learned as little ones.
Ne'er better to recall these times now long gone,
For the Christmases past are so wistfully many
Gift memories of a red India rubber ball and a penny.

The shepherd's could never of dreamed of that lockdown
As they made their dignified way to Bethlehem town
The only corona in sight was on the babe's head
And not in the lungs of the thousands of dead.

But Saint Nick will be here soon to redeem this foul year
So let's all raise a glass, be it wine or be it beer,
For tonight is the night during which every child can't sleep
No matter how long they spend trying to count sheep!

And now we're all round the Christmas table eating blankets of pig
And for afters let's all have some pudding of fig
And say Merry Christmas my dears and cheers to the host!
Remembering the Father, the Son and the Holiest of Ghost.

It should be the Holiest of Ghosts, and the meter is all over the place. And nobody says 'blankets of pig', which conjures up some horrifying mental images.

[Chedney Honks]

You dumb bastard.

Edit: I mean, it's a pastiche, sorry.

[idunnosomename]

legend. I came across insane tory yorkshire cottages account the other day actually
edit oh you redacted it. Well its a holiday cottage in yorkshire but its a racist tory