queer/trans comrades thread

[Zetetic]

A significant difference is that no-one is seeking state-funded healthcare near directly in virtue of being homosexual.[NB]Noting the history of Bad AIDS etc. - nevertheless.[/NB]

For what it's worth, I've come across no one in the health service - for all our failings - who have any intention of doing anything other than continue trying to ensure that trans people receive the support they should.

(At least in my bit of the UK, I know that this is something close to the heart of the most senior civil servants.)

[TrenterPercenter]

A significant difference is that no-one is seeking state-funded healthcare near directly in virtue of being homosexual.[NB]Noting the history of Bad AIDS etc. - nevertheless.[/NB]

For what it's worth, I've come across no one in the health service - for all our failings - who have any intention of doing anything other than continue trying to ensure that trans people receive the support they should.

(At least in my bit of the UK, I know that this is something close to the heart of the most senior civil servants.)

Yes generally my impression working across several large trusts and local authorities is that it is something people are passionate about supporting.

As another poster pointed out don't be tricked into think the public at large think what editors what to push; they do it to create division from the reactions it creates (and then its about monetising traffic and rent seeking).  This is one of the aspects of the new media environment and the blending reality into entertainment so even left leaning sites have to court controversy, promoting harmful views as consequence to create the environment in which hyperbolic and therefore stimulating discussions can take place.  It is all about the attention economy i.e. how to get attention, subscribers, clicks and ultimately advertisement revenue.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

I fucked up a bit leaving this to get to five pages before a proper reply didn't I! It's been a tough time, but as I said before just you lot sharing your support and kindness gives me a real rare sense of care and optimism.

It's easy to get put off replying at all when it seems you have too much to reply to! Always been bad at that. Fucked me over at uni the sheer level of distraction I'd allow myself to avoid dealing with the actual task at hand. Boo-hoo. Started quote-replying to some of youse but that proved exhausting, so really you know who you are and thank you.

A good point reiterated a couple times is that it would be nice to focus on the positive for a change. I've fucked it a little by naming the thread 'terf island', which is what Americans on twitter tend to call us. Feels that us as trans people are defined far too often by what we're in opposition to, rather than what we are. We all fall into it, and unfortunately that's made a part of our reality by cunts. Noticing some of the usual guff being batted back and forth. It's not always fun to be treated as a point of contention and the conversation can at times be a little dehumanising. I hate bathrooms and I despise being involved in politics around them. How undignified it is. I'm also not crazy about sports, but sports people really should just do it by weight and build and that shouldn't they.

Wish I could change the thread title! Wish I felt able to reply more personally but still feeling quite overwhelmed. Also struggle to be an articulate person at the best of times and suffer from chronic dumb bitch disease. Talk about what you want to, but it would be nice to also have some nice things if this thread isn't killed and replaced with one untainted with my groaning about the shrieking terven pricks

Big love xxxx

_{I was gonna try and link to some nice work trans friends have done but like wait why am i going to basically out people}

[jobotic]

Solidarity

[flotemysost]

Here's something small but positive: my workplace has been running mandatory allyship training for all employees, to help educate us about being better allies to marginalised colleagues, including trans colleagues. I think something like that is probably very hard to do sensitively and effectively, and is also a vast topic to cover in a couple of hours' sessions, but I've been impressed so far.

Since the training I've noticed that lots of colleagues (majority cis men and women) are putting their pronouns in their email signature, which feels like (at least, from my limited perspective as a cis person) a step towards normalising the habit of not assuming how anyone identifies, and taking away the onus from trans and nonbinary folk to have to constantly explain themselves to other people.

Also, a colleague of mine recently went from using "he/him/his" to "they/them/theirs" and is using a slightly different version of their name (the name change is reflected in their emails, but the pronoun change I only know about through a private conversation). Anyway, I noticed in a departmental meeting the other day (where we were talking about a project that's being worked on by said colleague, but the colleague wasn't actually in that meeting) that everyone seamlessly referred to them with the correct name and pronoun, in a "blink and you'll miss it" type way. No reason why that shouldn't have been the case obviously, but I know it so often doesn't happen that way.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

I do hope that that generally normalises the practice of being more mindful of identity this way. I'm often a little cynical and worry that some of these gestures can be little more than liberal hand-waving and platitudes especially in corporate contexts. Sorry I know I'm being that person. Genuinely hope it carries some weight to it. Though one can often think of this kinda thing:

[petril]

love the title change btw, it's good

I'm hoping we see more casually normalising pronoun sharing like that. one workplace I'm in has started... comically I didn't end up getting round to it until after about half a dozen of my cis colleagues did it, but it's so much easier when it's generally a thing people do instead of "oh I've got to out myself and deal with that on my own"

[flotemysost]

I do hope that that generally normalises the practice of being more mindful of identity this way. I'm often a little cynical and worry that some of these gestures can be little more than liberal hand-waving and platitudes especially in corporate contexts. Sorry I know I'm being that person.

I appreciate and share your cynicism, and I think there's a definite risk of this being just another empty tokenistic "look at us, aren't we woke" gesture that has no meaningful impact on the actual experience of trans colleagues.

In my particular industry, there's been a lot of vociferous criticism over the past few years over the lack of diversity. The debate has largely focused around ethnicity and socioeconomic background - not incorrectly, as there's a really woeful lack of diversity on both counts - but I've noticed recently that discourse around trans rights and general diversity in gender identity (if that's an acceptable way of putting it) has come to the fore as well, and I imagine there are probably many employees who've suffered workplace microaggressions and ignorance in this area, who haven't previously felt that they can speak up/feel as if they'll have any support - hopefully this is a small step towards mitigating that.

Obviously updating email signatures alone is not enough, and the diversity committee at my workplace are starting other initiatives such as inboxes where employees can anonymously report discrimination, working groups and safe spaces etc. It's a weird situation where you have a board of mostly ostensibly cis people deciding what to offer, but I know that they are getting advice from external agencies who specialise in this area, and I don't doubt that the intentions are genuinely progressive and not just a box-ticking excercise.

It's still mad that we, or any organisation, even need a "diversity committee" to put measures in place so that people don't feel like shit while trying to do their job.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Had an NHS funded gender counselling session via zoom today. I hate zoom. Guess it's good to talk tho. Anyone else done any therapy (not just gender things) stuff down the wire (the l-l-lizards)? Stuck on a conundrum if it's better or worse than trekking to a 'place' and to feel a bit vulnerable in a 'room'. Shed no tears

[Icehaven]

Had an NHS funded gender counselling session via zoom today. I hate zoom. Guess it's good to talk tho. Anyone else done any therapy (not just gender things) stuff down the wire (the l-l-lizards)?

My other half had a few telephone counselling sessions last year (for PTSD and anxiety). He only did a few sessions as he didn't find it very useful partly because of the awkwardness of phone conversations, how a few seconds silence when you're in the same room is unnoticeable but on the phone it's an eternity, and also the fact that you need to feel comfortable with a counsellor for it to be conducive to opening up and talking about your inner feelings etc., and it's human nature to find that difficult when you can't see who you're talking to and don't know what they look like. (I know anonymity and distance can also work in similar circumstances, e.g. the Samaritans, but with a counsellor you need to build up a bit more of a relationship/trust etc. which he found it near impossible to do on the phone.)

But it might just be that it didn't work for him and/or that counselling in general isn't that useful for him, as he did go on to have a few in-person sessions later as well but came away from them feeling that focusing on the causes of his PTSD just made him think about it even more the rest of the time so he stopped going. In hindsight he'd have maybe been better trying proper PTSD counselling, but in the long term he's in a much better place now generally and hasn't taken any meds for nearly 18 months now I think, and that's largely been achieved by him keeping busy and keeping up with friends (which obviously hasn't been easy this year but he's managed it.) It's different for everyone of course but in his case taking his mind off it was far and away the best thing to do, and counselling was doing literally the opposite of that.

[petril]

yeah, my biggest problem with phone counselling is that it's over the phone. there's less cues and more interference so it's a lot harder to process conversation, plus the feeling of it being purely synchronous, so there's pressure to always be talking when the other person isn't.

video ones are a bit better, because there's the wee chat window I can use if it's easier than actually talking, plus I can see the face and get more of the kinda meta-information from that

[Mister Six]

Started doing therapy for the first time during lockdown and I actually find talking face-to-face a bit weird because the therapist has a very expressive face and the camera's quite zoomed in. I usually just flip over to a blank tab, though, which I guess is the 21st century equivalent of Freud's leather chaise lounge.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Ahh I'd actually very much like it to be just phone tbh. Feel like I'm in a minority of people that loves chatting over the phone. I get easily manic and talk someone's face off a bit. Kinda enjoy that dynamic sometimes, but i feel bad afterwards. Sorta overconfident/unconfident incongruence (see: manic).

I'm desperate for the procedures I need and feel forlorn about how expensive it will be, but I think I'm taking steps to try to live with this vessel the way it is for as long as I have to. Seems like a healthy response to a not so ideal situation. A bit siiiiigh tho innit

[canadagoose]

I'm kind of odd about the whole remote thing. I mean, phone is OK, but it feels more awkward, and petril is right about the silences. But I'm not a huge fan of video calls either; for some reason, it feels like other person is staring at me, and if I change windows, I end up getting distracted by text or something. It'll be nicer once things go back to "normal".

[dead-ced-dead]

I recently went to therapy after my dad died. It was beginning to affect my work, so it was requested (although not mandatory) for work. It was over Zoom, but it was only a few sessions. I can sympathise because I was uncomfortable for the three sessions I had. I hope you're able to get all the procedures you need.

One of the things that made truly sympathetic towards trans people, which at the time I was rather ambivalent towards was the movie Speed Racer of all things. It was made before the Wachowskis transitioned but I didn't see it until afterwards. I was a film student so I can't not deconstruct films in my head and the film tweaks the hero's journey in a slight but very significant way: rather than it being a film about a nobody becoming a hero and becoming "the most important person ever" like Frodo, Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker, it's a film about a hero who was always a hero and by the film's end he's fully accepting of a destiny he always had; and his family and friends are fully cheering for him. He's becoming the person he always knew he was. If we apply that metaphor to being trans, it's really heartwarming. 

I watch the clip of Speed winning the final race every time trans rights gets another knock (which, recently, means I've watched it quite a few times). I actually tear up watching it.

I don't know if that helps at all, and I realise it's a movie made by a huge corporate entity, but the Wachowskis are good at sneaking trans metaphor under the guise of sci-fi nonsense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTXFknz4J88

[Kankurette]

Not trans, but I've been having therapy over Microsoft Teams during lockdown and I actually prefer it to the phone. I hate phones. Not sure why, it might be because I can't see the person's face. But my therapist is very keen on it as well because she can remind me to maintain eye contact, which is something I'm not good at. And seeing a friendly face does help, admittedly.

[canadagoose]

Not trans, but I've been having therapy over Microsoft Teams during lockdown and I actually prefer it to the phone. I hate phones. Not sure why, it might be because I can't see the person's face. But my therapist is very keen on it as well because she can remind me to maintain eye contact, which is something I'm not good at. And seeing a friendly face does help, admittedly.

Do you mind her asking that? I don't like being made to make eye contact; it just either feels weird or I end up forgetting to eventually. That's good that the whole arrangement works for you, though.

BTW I followed you on Twitter - your username popped up on a mutual's following list and I thought "oh I recognise that name" so thought I would. Hope that's OK!

[Dex Sawash]

I can't properly listen if I look right at a person. Combo of poor hearing and being distracted by imagining them naked, probably.

[Tony Tony Tony]

Wanted to post something pithy and uplifting in support of you Goblin but whatever I thought up seemed trite or covered far better by others upthread.

There is a trans who I see a fair bit pootling about my town and I always want to commend them on their bravery in stepping out when I see them. It has to take some chutzpah.

Just remember that for every legend Gary that makes a hurtful comment as he whistles by in his twatmobile there are ten or more others who look on and know who the real tosser is in that situation.

Go Goblin go.

[Kankurette]

Do you mind her asking that? I don't like being made to make eye contact; it just either feels weird or I end up forgetting to eventually. That's good that the whole arrangement works for you, though.

BTW I followed you on Twitter - your username popped up on a mutual's following list and I thought "oh I recognise that name" so thought I would. Hope that's OK!

No, I'm autistic. Bad eye contact is a habit I'm trying to break. She was genuinely surprised, in a nice way, when I asked her what she was doing for Christmas - she said clients sometimes forget the therapist has a life of their own too.

I barely post on Twitter because it's full of arseholes.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Thanks Tony. I wanted to thank other people personally but I can find it very difficult to respond to a lot of things at once and I switch off entirely. I hope the other supportive cabbers don't feel I'm snubbing them!!

No, I'm autistic. Bad eye contact is a habit I'm trying to break. She was genuinely surprised, in a nice way, when I asked her what she was doing for Christmas - she said clients sometimes forget the therapist has a life of their own too.

I barely post on Twitter because it's full of arseholes.

Eye contact is a very confusing concept with zoom since no one ever makes eye contact with their webcam since the lens is not the screen! Did feel somehow less able to look at the counsellor and felt more fidgetty. Being in front, physically, forces you to confront some of these things I suppose

Hate twitter hate the fuck out of it

[itsfredtitmus]

just really want hormones!

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

just really want hormones!

<3 <3 <3. Do you know when you will be able to access them? I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive

[Sebastian Cobb]

Not a trans thing at all, but on the general discussion of remote diagnosis, it seems like it'd be a great on-ramp to people not knowing whether they need mental health treatment or not. Assuming there are systems to funnel people into after that, which lets face it, there usually aren't.

[Zetetic]

Not unusual, pre-COVID, for large counselling and therapy services to run telephone assessment stuff.

(Off the top of my head, one of Cardiff & Vale's two main primary care services does this.)

[Sebastian Cobb]

Not unusual, pre-COVID, for large counselling and therapy services to run telephone assessment stuff.

It's weird how the current situation changes this though isn't it?

Perhaps it's my own prejudices coming in but I'd feel like it would be a lot like 'phoning the samaritans'.

Full disclosure: I've been toying with the idea I'm not particularly happy, and haven't been for some time, but am in no immediate danger, present no risk to myself and don't even know if it's anything more than me being a moody git.

[itsfredtitmus]

<3 <3 <3. Do you know when you will be able to access them? I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive

I'm under 26 so I was able to access this charity near me and they were going to assist me in getting a referral from my GP to this endocrinologist near me that isn't a gatekeeper and allows progression from bridge-y type stuff to actual hormones without too much bother (I'm a nervous, crying wreck in the GP's office so their help is pretty integral to kickstarting any process tbh) but that fell through because I missed some sessions.

The "slightly more T" withdrawals I'm experiencing from running out of weak, placebo-like anti-androgens have convinced me again that, yes, this is something I actually want, ya know? I'm in contact with the gender-bender counsellor again and am gonna buy some form of estrogen from the DNM (this was my initial idea but I started using again instead and the trans stuff took a backseat) and take it in extremely low-doses and hopefully force my GP to put me on actual safe stuff with routine tests, etc, etc,

[Sebastian Cobb]

Good luck Fred!

[itsfredtitmus]

One thing that scares me shitless about the hormones process is being asked questions about home-life, childhood, depression, suicide ideation, drug use, 'what I wank to' (I don't!) body issues (anorexia, bulimia, BED, etc) and everything else they possibly can - I omitted all mental health stuff and diagnosis to my gender counsellor in fear of being considered another autistic that somehow got an eating disorder confused with gender (sometimes I think this about myself and, regretfully of course, other people, so what chance has a cis person with a good-will got from instructively thinking this too?)

[itsfredtitmus]

Good luck Fred!

Hopefully I don't get blew-out again from the counselling again heeeeeeeh