“Eight items or fewer”

[Ferris]

Imagine, if you will, a shopper. They've completed their shopping and arrived at the "8 items or fewer" lane.

Their basket has 2 loaves of bread, 4 tins of cat food and 3 apples.

Are they in the wrong, and more importantly do they have more than 8 items?

[PlanktonSideburns]

yes

[Zetetic]

Are any of the items in a multipack and, if so, did you think you were being clever by withholding this information from us?

If not, are they available in a multipack?

[sirhenry]

maybe

Spoiler alert

So there's a bunch of apples, a brace of bread and a catharsis of cat food; that makes three items total, Shirley.

[close]

[PlanktonSideburns]

Are any of the items in a multipack and, if so, did you think you were being clever by withholding this information from us?

If not, are they available in a multipack?

i swear to god, ill be fucking RAGING if youve done this to us ferris

[Ferris]

No multipacks, no tricks.

I think I've worked out a system of categorization that I will be selling to all major retailers to ensure fairness and eliminate doubt when queuing in the "8IOF" line.

I'm road testing it here, for market research purposes.

[Ferris]

Under the proposed FerrisQueueSystem, the shopper has 5 items and is therefore ok in the 8IOF line.

[Ferris]

Imagine, if you will, a shopper. They've completed their shopping and arrived at the "8 items or fewer" lane.

Their basket has 2 loaves of bread, 4 tins of cat food and 3 apples.

Are they in the wrong, and more importantly do they have more than 8 items?

Multiples of the same item count as 1 up to a limit of two constituent parts, providing the item is smaller than a loaf of bread, unless you have to weigh the constituent pieces of the "item" to pay, in which case the limit moves to multiples of 3 per "item". It's genius is in its simplicity and elegance.

4 tins of cat food. These are multiple items, but do not need to be weighed and are smaller than a loaf of bread. That means each brace of cans counts as a single "item". 2 items

The apples have to be weighed prior to purchase to determine price, and therefore receive the higher "3 constituent pieces per item" classification. 1 item

The two loaves of bread are multiples of the same item, but are not smaller than a loaf of bread so count as two discrete items against your limit. 2 items

I propose enforcement officers be immediately stationed at 8IOF tills across the land, with heavy fixed-penalty fines for non-compliance.

I am selling 15% of the business for £180,000.

[Gregory Torso]

Use self service, anything goes there. All items unlimited. If anyone talks to you, scream and shit yourself.

[Ferris]

Use self service, anything goes there. All items unlimited. If anyone talks to you, scream and shit yourself.

People like you are the reason this system must be implemented before the new year.

[idunnosomename]

I say 8 items or less

[Gregory Torso]

I bless everywhere I go with my no nonsense approach to ignoring the "eight items or fuck off" queue of chumps. No rules. The captain is dead and the rats have taken over. Please can you come and age verify me for this fucking pritstick I am going to take home and inject into myself?

[brat-sampson]

Bread sliced or no? Actions have consequences.

[Gregory Torso]

Has anyone ever melted Pritstick into a spoon and banged it up their arm?

[Gregory Torso]

Yeah man better not be any more than eight Pringles in that tube or youre going in the Hole

[Ferris]

I say 8 items or less

Bin-tier opinion

[Butchers Blind]

I make sure I have exactly 8 items in my basket then right by the till I pop in a packet of mints just to piss off the person behind.

[Captain Z]

Presumably the restriction exists for time-efficiency reasons. Therefore the limit should be defined by the number of scans the operator has to make. In this case, the person only has three "items":

Bread: one scan, QTY 2
Cat food: one scan, QTY 4
Apples: one scan, QTY 3, or one weighing operation

[touchingcloth]

"X items or fewer" is really a "small transactions only - don't be a cunt, the staff aren't actually arsed enough to count your items" system, and anyone who tries to assignee exact numbers to what constitutes a small transaction is a tomatoes-are-fruits-actually-tier bell end.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Use self service, anything goes there. All items unlimited. If anyone talks to you, scream and shit yourself.

Not in my local Asda where attempting to take a trolley in there (even the shallow ones) will lead to you getting told off and having to awkwardly back up down an aisle that's way too small.

If only they could respond to flashing red lights on the tills as quickly as they pounce on people with trolleys.

[Buelligan]

Presumably the restriction exists for time-efficiency reasons. Therefore the limit should be defined by the number of scans the operator has to make. In this case, the person only has three "items":

Bread: one scan, QTY 2
Cat food: one scan, QTY 4
Apples: one scan, QTY 3, or one weighing operation

I think it all depends on whether they are truly these things.  Or are they bread, gluten-free and bread, artisanal nut.  Cat food, Felix - rabbit and shrew; cat food, Whiskas - duck; cat food, Whiskas - duck; cat food, Royal Canin - kitten; cat food, Authority - adult.  Apples, Gala; apples, Pink Lady; apples, Devonshire Quarrenden.  Or something else.  Something utterly utterly else.

[Ferris]

Presumably the restriction exists for time-efficiency reasons. Therefore the limit should be defined by the number of scans the operator has to make. In this case, the person only has three "items":

Bread: one scan, QTY 2
Cat food: one scan, QTY 4
Apples: one scan, QTY 3, or one weighing operation

I thought of that, but what if some Dom Joly-alike joker brings 3,000 tins of whiskas to the till?

Under your system, we'd all be standing about tutting as they loaded the pallets into their VW Passat.

No, I'm afraid my system is the best one.

[steve98]

I read your "system" earlier Ferris and couldn't make head nor tails of it. No need to correct me if I'm wrong, but you seemed to suggest some kind of standard loaf size (against which other items (like cat-food) might be measured), without suggesting what that size might be.... I dunno, maybe it's me, maybe I'm just thick.

[Non Stop Dancer]

I say 8 items or less

Me too. I know it's wrong but fewer just sounds crap.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Fewer opinions like that one cheers thx

[Cuellar]

I just fucking can't with all this right now

[Ferris]

Can't believe I have wasted this system on you clowns.

Time to take this bad boy to the Dragons. Bannatyne will shit himself.

[QDRPHNC]

I'd give them a pass on the apples, even though they are technically scum.

[Mr Farenheit]

You're obviously trying to buy nine items.
To get yourself into the 8IOF category you therefore need to sell an item to a member of staff or fellow shopper, thus creating a buy/sell balance of eight items.

I will give you four pounds for your shoes. Take it or leave it. And by 'it' i mean the 8IOF queue!

[Ferris]

You're obviously trying to buy nine items.
To get yourself into the 8IOF category you therefore need to sell an item to a member of staff or fellow shopper, thus creating a buy/sell balance of eight items.

I will give you four pounds for your shoes. Take it or leave it. And by 'it' i mean the 8IOF queue!

No. The system is perfect. The system is immutable.

All power to the system.