Blocked by yer ex

[Jockice]

I keep singing the thread title to the tune of Caught By The Fuzz by Supergrass.

New page blocked by yer ex. While you're still having sex.

[Endicott]

Unfortunately.. or fortunately... no, unfortunately, I used to do some admin work for her and she needs some invoices and receipts back from me. There has been a terse text about that today and I said she could name time and place. Unclear whether this is to happen at the end of a long silence, or to happen quickly and be done with. Talk of "when things cool down" on her end. I don't anticipate coolness for quite a wee bit yet.

Why not just post them?

[amputeeporn]

I have sadly been in similar boats to this one - and also tried the friends after breakup route. Brutally, it doesn't work. I'm certain she doesn't think less of you, just understands that this half-relationship is fucking with your head and is doing you a kindness by making the tough call. Walk away, focus on yourself, bury your head in books and box sets and, if your experience is anything like mine, you might look forward to an actual unpainful rekindling of friendship some point down the line.

For now, unfortunately, neither one of you can trust your reactions in this situation - and she deserves to have her security and happiness unencumbered.

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

I keep singing the thread title to the tune of Caught By The Fuzz by Supergrass.

New page blocked by yer ex. While you're still having sex.

Turned Off Replies for me

[JaDanketies]

Sounds like a clean break is what you need, Shaky. There are situations where it's okay to remain friends with an ex. Yours was not one of them. I remember getting a bit antsy when the woman I went out with when I was 19 was shagging other people a few months after we split up, so it's not like your emotions are unusual. And it's fair enough for her to want to distance herself from a still-emotionally-involved ex if she gets at all serious with someone else.

There are exes who I would be friends with and who I've maintained friendships with while in other relationships, but it gets a little complicated and it always breaks off - ie. we stop communicating with each-other. There's one woman I've deliberately severed a friendship with - she was an abuser, I was with her for a long time, and my current (forever) partner thought it was inappropriate for me to be friends with someone who I had all these bad stories about. She's right, too - it's kinda telling my ex that the abuse was okay and showing other people that I'm a fuck with no self-esteem.

There are a few people who I have had casual encounters with who refuse to add me on Facebook or who have unfriended me. Never any long-term partners but I believe 100% of those who I have had brief relationships with. I don't get it. I've got people on my friends list who I met once at a corporate event. I put my dick in these women on multiple occasions! Doesn't that at least get me a Facebook friend?

[Icehaven]

There are a few people who I have had casual encounters with who refuse to add me on Facebook or who have unfriended me. Never any long-term partners but I believe 100% of those who I have had brief relationships with. I don't get it. I've got people on my friends list who I met once at a corporate event. I put my dick in these women on multiple occasions! Doesn't that at least get me a Facebook friend?

Don't take this the wrong way but that's exactly why it doesn't. It's probably no reflection on you, it's just many people want brief, casual sexual encounters to be just that, and cut off or refuse any potential lingering avenues of contact. Plus there's just plain old embarrassment that some people feel when faced with someone they used to sleep with but now don't, it's a fairly common feeling to want to avoid them and any potential awkwardness. Someone you once met at a corporate event will happily be fb friends precisely because you don't have any history.

[Shaky]

Why not just post them?

I could and that was my first thought, but I do need to show her my incredible system for scanning and filing the docs then linking the pdfs to spreadsheet entries. I don't think I can just dump that on her as she runs her store solo as well as not having a clue what to do with the paperwork. I'm also skint, there are a lot of pages and I'd have to deal with Australia Post.

I'll try to be wary when the time comes.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I could and that was my first thought, but I do need to show her my incredible system for scanning and filing the docs then linking the pdfs to spreadsheet entries.

Do you really, though?

Just meet her when and where she says and hand over all the stuff you have. And leave. No further conversation with her. Let her sort it out herself.

[JaDanketies]

Yeah don't do any unpaid work for her unless she specifically asks you to (and then you should get paid for doing it, but that's up to you). Let her get in touch with you if she needs help with her spreadsheets. I certainly wouldn't even consider doing unpaid work for someone who has literally blocked me on social media. When you look at it objectively, someone who would do unpaid admin for an ex who has them blocked on social media but who they still hold a candle for is a sucker.

This is in your interest too. You might be imagining some 'moment' happens over Excel or Adobe. Your hands meet on the mouse, she stares open-jawed at you as you effortlessly compile data, drool falls unchecked from her mouth as she sees the laptop screen reflecting on your bifocals... but this won't happen. You likely 'want' to show her your great system. She'll let you know if she actually 'needs' you to.

You might want to give her the contact details of someone who is good at admin.

[Marner and Me]

Probably a blessing in disguise. No point wasting energy getting worked up over it. It's happened. Look forward.

[Jockice]

As I've already said, I'm now on fairly friendly terms with my earlier exes but we've never talked about the fact we did go out with each other or why it went wrong. Apart from the last one - the one who put me off even trying to have a relationship for a very long time -who almost immediately apologised for the way she'd treated me. In front of a friend of mine and a friend of hers too. Which really took me by surprise. Especially as I was so shocked to meet her my mind went totally blank. I was actually struggling to remember who she was. And when she said sorry all the smartarse comments I'd planned if I ever did meet her again just went out of my brain.

I'm fine with not discussing it though. They were all in the 1990s anyway and we've all moved on. I'm also sure they'd all see our relationship in a different way than I did and it's not really worth digging up old stuff after such a long period. Time doesn't really heal all wounds but it does give you a bit of perspective.

[JaDanketies]

My shitehole ex apologised for the bad ways she treated me the last time she saw me, too. My initial reaction was "hmm, I wonder what game you're playing this time?"

I would only think her apology was worthwhile if she was in substance abuse treatment and therapy. Until then it's just words.

[Brundle-Fly]

Somebody I know was blocked by a long term girlfriend before the internet even existed. She packed her bags and literally disappeared off the face of the Earth in 1989. He tried everything to track her down but nobody, not even her closest friends knew what happened to her. Cut ties with everyone. Her mother was no help because she was a little eccentric, shall we say?

Even with the advent of social media, he wanted to get back in touch, just to know if she was ok, but absolutely nothing turned up online. One old friend of hers did eventually make contact telling him that as far she remembered the girl went as far away on the other side of the planet to get away from him. Now that's ghosting. I think he finally heard one rumour that she was living in New York married to some rich dude.

He was constantly getting unceremoniously dumped with such swift dispatch.  Even his ex-wife performed a similar vanishing act like his first love. Moved away across the country and severed contact completely after a very brief marriage. He's been single since 2010.

[the hum]

I can kind of relate. I was blocked by an ex a couple of years back after what I thought was an attempt at rekindling the relationship, but was in reality just her wanting to stay friends, following a series of cringey over-analytical texts on my part. It took several of these, and even a meeting up for lunch, before I think she got what I was desperately clinging on to, asked me to stop, that there would be no future relationship but that she wanted to remain friends. I said no, didn't wanted to be "orbiting" her, and that it would be better if we just moved on. She promptly blocked me, which despite what I'd said did feel like a hammer blow at the time.

It took me flipping ages to get over her, but when I do occasionally think about it now the overwhelming feeling is genuinely one of relief. Not just because I didn't pathetically attempt to stay friends, but also because I know that even on the off chance she had wanted to restart it it would ultimately have been a miserable experience (for various reasons), and might even have resulted in me doing the dumping second time around, which would have sent me into guilt overload. Weirdly one of the things that provided some catharsis was re-reading old messages from during the relationship. I was amazed just how unlike me I was being, especially during the latter stages, maintaining some rotten lovey-dovey pretence when it was quite clearly going to shite.

I don't know you Shaky, but it doesn't sound like you're a bad sort. Sensitivity is a right cunt - it can be good and bad in equal measure, and your feelings of being a bastard right now are probably just symptoms of the onrush of emotions. If you were feeling nothing at all I think that would be a lot more problematic.

[lankyguy95]

Yeah don't do any unpaid work for her unless she specifically asks you to (and then you should get paid for doing it, but that's up to you). Let her get in touch with you if she needs help with her spreadsheets. I certainly wouldn't even consider doing unpaid work for someone who has literally blocked me on social media. When you look at it objectively, someone who would do unpaid admin for an ex who has them blocked on social media but who they still hold a candle for is a sucker.

This is in your interest too. You might be imagining some 'moment' happens over Excel or Adobe. Your hands meet on the mouse, she stares open-jawed at you as you effortlessly compile data, drool falls unchecked from her mouth as she sees the laptop screen reflecting on your bifocals... but this won't happen. You likely 'want' to show her your great system. She'll let you know if she actually 'needs' you to.

You might want to give her the contact details of someone who is good at admin.

Yeah... this.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Brundle-Fly, if your friend constantly had women packing their bags and fleeing then he was doing something you don't know about.

[Brundle-Fly]

Brundle-Fly, if your friend constantly had women packing their bags and fleeing then he was doing something you don't know about.

Two other ex-partners of his have remained close to him. I know he has issues and went on an anger management course.

[BlodwynPig]

Two other ex-partners of his have remained close to him. I know he has issues and went on an anger management course.

I'll be happy to meet up for a walk.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I'm friends with one of my ex- es, in fact I 'd count her as one of my best friends in this whole wide, loveless world.

All the rest are a bunch of cunts, especially Emily Blunt Features. Hope you're enjoying your life in fucking Coventry with your husband, your recently born son and your PHD, you rotten cow. I never liked you that much in the first place, anyway.

( Actually, Connie Booth Features is sort of alright too, I suppose. )

Jockice's post prompted me to give another listen to " Caught By The Fuzz" by Supergrass too, great little tune, that 'un.


HTH.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Two other ex-partners of his have remained close to him. I know he has issues and went on an anger management course.

That'll be why at least two women ran from him and why one of their mothers didn't tell him where her daughter was.

[thugler]

Get off Facebook entirely. It's fucking hell and is forever reminding you of shit from the past. Nix it entirely and do something new. This stuff will eat you up for years if you let it

[Zetetic]

Edit: Not today.

[Shaky]

Get off Facebook entirely. It's fucking hell and is forever reminding you of shit from the past. Nix it entirely and do something new. This stuff will eat you up for years if you let it

Even before all this I was increasingly thinking along the same lines. Facebook seems to provoke two responses - "Oh, that's pretty boring," or "That news is upsetting." Messenger is essential for me but that's about it.

Guys, really appreciate all the comments. Been a huge help. Too many to single out as they're all great. I feel better today but I'm aware that can turn suddenly. Scribbling on here has been a good release.

[jobotic]

I wasted my entire twenties by "being friends" with an ex. It left me feeling pathetic and undignified and also behaving in ways that I'm not proud of. It's impossible not to have moments of getting your hopes up, and, of course, they get smashed over and over again. It only stopped hurting after we stopped having any contact.

I still think she was pretty great, but so what? lots of people are.

I think it's quite selfish to dump someone and then say you want to be friends, you have to let them move on, not cherry pick what you want. Unless you have kids or something you should have a clean break. Social media makes that really difficult though, I appreciate that.

Two good friends of mine are exes, and they are really good friends (and with their partners) but they are the ultra rare exception of a truly mutual desire to split up but stay friends.

[Jockice]

Brundle-Fly, if your friend constantly had women packing their bags and fleeing then he was doing something you don't know about.

Maybe he had issues. Maybe the women he chose had issues. You can't say for definite unless you actually know them. And even then, you don't know what goes on in relationships. I've been accused of things I definitely haven't done (in relationships and in real life), so I'm very wary about even implying he must be an utter bastard and abuser without knowing the full facts.

[wooders1978]

You can messenger without Facebook, I think, my cousin seems to have achieved it

[Lungpuddle]

You can messenger without Facebook, I think, my cousin seems to have achieved it

This is true.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I have no original advice but I've been through it too. It really, really sucks.

[thugler]

You can messenger without Facebook, I think, my cousin seems to have achieved it

Only by deactivating but not actually deleting your account though. This is what i have done just purely so I still get the messenger stuff, people should really just migrate to whatsapp now though.

[mr. logic]

Years of television have taught us to expect resolution. But it won't happen. She won't say the right thing. She won't apologise. She won't confess her love on her deathbed. You're doing completely the right thing getting on without speaking to her- well done- and you should definitely avoid doing whatever that job she asked about is. I was in a similar situation a few years back and of course didn't listen to this advice, and in the process prolonged the pain.

[Better Midlands]

people should really just migrate to whatsapp now though.

We do all our family stuff through Whatsapp, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter is poison - I can't imagine why you'd want all that in the public domain (well I can, it's because you're a cunt who wants all your "friends" to observe your wonderful life)