Author Topic: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday  (Read 4326 times)

🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« on: January 13, 2021, 05:17:46 PM »
Yes, that's right, just as Rebecca Black so wonderfully sang to us TEN YEARS AGO? fuckinell has it been that long? Anyway this Friday I will be having a colonoscopy to see what the goddamn hell is wrong with my shitpipes.

Gotta be honest I'm not exactly thrilled at this whole arrangement. For starters I've been shitting blood for the last 3-4 months, having blood tests and submitting turd samples, patiently waiting for the results - which at one point actually went missing and I had to fucking shit in a tupperware box AGAIN and smear a little green sample stick through it AGAIN - so they can figure out what's up with me. The other symptoms, which include strong bowel discomfort, never being able to trust a fart, having to literally run to the bog every time a slight twinge of needing a poo kicks in only to find it's a load of trapped gas and blood, have been an inconvenience to say the least.

Anyway so when the poo test results came back I was alarmed to hear that they indicated a "high chance of something serious" and during the consultation over the phone I couldn't help but having a little eyebrow raise when the term "bowel cancer" was breezily mentioned as the worst possible outcome. Gawd bless the NHS though, they got me on an immediate referral last week and today I went in for a Covid test and another blood test and to collect the fuck awful prep medication I need to ingest to totally flush out my guts before Friday afternoon, when it's ASS CAM TIME.

From now until then, it's low fibre diet o'clock which is SHITE if you're a vegan as it seems to be basically plain rice, plain pasta, plain white toast. My saving graces are (plain) mashed potato with stock gravy, herbal tea and shredless marmalade. I was planning on smoking a wee bit of hash tonight but imagine getting the munchies with that dire selection, I'll have licked the marmalade jar clean by the end of the night.

I'm not massively worried that I have bowel cancer, though; I had similar issues passing blood out the back passage in late 2009 and I was referred for a colonoscopy back then as well, but since it wasn't urgent I had to wait like 4 months. The symptoms had stopped a while before that so like the sensible person I am I completely sacked off the appointment and assumed everything was fine. I think if I had cancer I'd fuckin know about it by now eh. Chances are it's IBS and I'll need to totally cut out FODMAP foods from my diet (bye bye onions and garlic, which are in fucking everything), but that still doesn't totally explain the blood so WHO KNOOOWSSS

I noticed the other day it's been 2 years since I went and inspected the satan house so maybe it is actually some sort of curse. That would be cool.

shiftwork2

  • pies this is your time
Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2021, 05:24:20 PM »
The Polyp.

I believe this is most likely to be polyps.  Benign, but they will probably want to remove them at some point.  Good luck though.  You have a nominated person to collect you afterwards?

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2021, 05:29:14 PM »
The Polyp...honic Spree? Imagine having all of them up your arse. GET OUT YOU HIPPIES

Yeah, opted for the sedation obviously. My partner will be coming to escort me home.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2021, 05:30:46 PM »
Hope it goes well.

Do you get to keep the footage?

imitationleather

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2021, 05:31:57 PM »
Blimey. Good luck dude.

You might find out you enjoy the sensation? That'd be a boon.

Apparently that stuff that flushes you out is quite something.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2021, 05:32:34 PM »
Calling dibs.

Anything cut out of your arse is mine.

thanks

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2021, 05:33:14 PM »
Hope it goes well.

Do you get to keep the footage?

Not sure but I'm hoping they'll let me stream it on my OnlyFans.

a boon.

Is that what they call it? I'm so out of touch with these modern sex terms.

Dirty Boy

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2021, 05:37:27 PM »
Hope you're ok mate. Is this why you haven't been on here much lately?

I'm no Arse Doctor, but could it be diverticulitis? Stewart Lee describes having very similar symptoms in one of his books. Is your piss orange?

Blue Jam

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2021, 05:40:20 PM »
Quote
so they can figure out what's up with me.

FTFY

Got two friends who saw in 2021 with a good ol' colonoscopy. Both absolutely fine.

Hope it goes well for you and the twilight anaesthisia is a bit of a trip x

Thomas

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2021, 05:48:17 PM »
Best of luck with your appalling ass, matey.

canadagoose

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2021, 05:51:11 PM »
I would highly advise you to get someone to go with you, so that you can have the sedation. They won't generally let you have it if you're unaccompanied (in case you get lost or something). Good luck!

non capisco

  • Don't wanna hear those vile trumpets anymore
Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2021, 06:01:18 PM »
I was gonna guess diverticulitis as well, another mate of mine was diagnosed after the same symptoms. If you've had this before and it went away and is now flaring up again that'd seem likely. Best of luck with your blisterin' blob aris, dude.

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2021, 06:05:05 PM »
Hope you're ok mate. Is this why you haven't been on here much lately?

I'm no Arse Doctor, but could it be diverticulitis? Stewart Lee describes having very similar symptoms in one of his books. Is your piss orange?

Whoa, yes my piss has actually been quite orange recently! I dunno if there's an issue with fibre intake though, I eat brown seeded bread for brekko every day and I have very regular intake of veg, beans and pulses (my partner spent a while in Nepal and she makes the most banging tarka daal).

This isn't my reason for not posting on here much though. I just go through spells of needing to take time away from a lot of regular things in my life as I can flit between being massively invested in them and then not being arsed about them at all for months at a time each way.

I would highly advise you to get someone to go with you, so that you can have the sedation. They won't generally let you have it if you're unaccompanied (in case you get lost or something). Good luck!

Deffo having the sedation. I've been medically treated with various sedatives over the years and I never pass up on that shit. Who wouldn't want to be even more relaxed than they already are?

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2021, 06:05:50 PM »
Thanks everyone for the well wishes!

chveik

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2021, 06:07:05 PM »
hope it goes well man x

Kelvin

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2021, 06:14:14 PM »
Teeth fucked. Arse fucked. Is there a bit in the middle that's really good?

Twit 2

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2021, 06:17:08 PM »
Hope you don’t have arse cancer.

Alright, cheers.

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2021, 06:18:12 PM »
Teeth fucked. Arse fucked. Is there a bit in the middle that's really good?

Nope my heart is as black and shrivelled as a discarded grape on a bad stretch of road

Enzo

  • Hello Gordon.
Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2021, 06:56:11 PM »
Hi Mate,

not to alarm you too much, but I had a colonoscopy in March last year, which turned out to be Bowel Cancer. I'm sure it won't be that and more likely a digestive issue, but if it does turn out to be that then please know that it's very treatable.

Best of luck, feel free to PM me anytime for advice. Obviously you won't need it though as it will just be a huge pile in your anus.

Chedney Honks

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2021, 07:03:28 PM »
Thinking of you, champ. Whatever is up there, just Power Shit it right out. You got this, my dude. We're here for you. X

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2021, 07:11:05 PM »
Fucking sort your arse out mate

Sort it
Mate

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2021, 07:20:00 PM »
Best of luck with your howling arsehole mollusk mate.

Wonderful Butternut

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2021, 07:27:46 PM »
Don't freak out if they only sedate you rather than full anesthetic[1], you might, at a stretch, recall a fragment or two of the experience and it doesn't hurt cos of the sedatives.

Hope it goes well.

Given that it flared up years ago and settled down again for over a decade, bowel cancer seems a bit improbable. Could be Crohn's which is what I had[2]. It's not pleasant but it is treatable.
 1. I've had both versions of the experience
 2. Have? not supposed to go away permanently, but I haven't been sick with it in over 12 years. And they haven't had to slice any pieces of my digestive system out.

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2021, 07:45:09 PM »
Given that it flared up years ago and settled down again for over a decade

Oops, I meant 2019, not 2009. Fuck knows what happened there, brain is shagged as well?

Wonderful Butternut

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2021, 07:48:12 PM »
Oops, I meant 2019, not 2009. Fuck knows what happened there, brain is shagged as well?

More likely a typo, but to be sure you could get 'em to drill a hole in your skull and stick the camera in there too (before it goes up your arse obviously) whilst they're at it.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2021, 08:38:50 PM »
Would absolutely love a camera up the arse to cure my shitting issues, lucky fucker.

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2021, 08:44:52 PM »
Send the vid! Best of luck

shiftwork2

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2021, 09:17:33 PM »

Glebe

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Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2021, 09:17:58 PM »
Best of luck Mollusk. I suffer with piles and IBS, but I've not had anything major happen bowel-wise so far.

Re: 🎶 Friday, Friday, camera up the arse on Friday
« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2021, 09:22:57 PM »
Good luck Mollusk.

(try saying that with a hand up your tuchus)

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