CaBela Stephenson Connolly / Prurient Intrusion Into The Sex Lives Of Others

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/20/i-split-with-my-partner-after-he-lied-about-using-porn-have-i-overreacted

During lockdown last May, I split from my partner of 13 years. We had been planning to get married and live together. He took me house-hunting, then moved into the place we found, while I stayed where I was with my daughter, who has disabilities. We worked on the house and garden together and he kept telling me it was our home. He then retired and we carried on our weekend, distanced relationship. But his behaviour changed, and I discovered that he had been indulging in a lot of porn since long before I met him. He had always claimed not to be interested in it.

I was not concerned about the porn, but about the deceit. He had looked me in the eye and lied when I confronted him. Trust became a major issue. I suggested we went to counselling but he refused. I miss the friendship – I thought we were soulmates – but don't think I could put up with the idea that he is always looking elsewhere. We are still in touch by phone. Was I overreacting or should I cut all ties and move on?

Given we are strong admirers of Ron's to-the-death commitment to denying porn use, I wondered what you lot thought of this one.

No surprise that Pamela in her reply[nb]"An interest in pornography by adult men or women is common and reasonable. Problems arise when a person uses it so compulsively that it negatively affects their life, work or relationship, or if the person focuses on images of non-consensual sex that inspire them to act this out. Some people think masturbation detracts from a couple's sex life – but this is not necessarily true. In my view it is hard to fault a person on a controlled use of pornography that is not overly driven by compulsion."[/nb] was cigs about the porn but concerned about the trust issue.

I quite like these things as they often allude to background circumstances. 'He kept telling me it was our home' seems to me to betray an already existing suspicion about something or other.

Additionally, 13 years seems quite a long time to not have moved the relationship on beyond a 'weekend distanced relationship'. Have to wonder what is undisclosed there.

Probs shouldn't have lied about it, but these things expose in a way our tenuous desperation for comfort, companionship, belonging and also, conversely, independence, self-determination, big wank seshes

[TheBrownBottle]

'Sorry love, I wanked away my ability to tell the truth.  Let's seek counselling before I wank away any more of my core virtues.  I thought prudence was a goner last night when I happened upon that GILF bukakke video'

[Jockice]

How strange. I have literally just read that column. And I had a wank this afternoon, without looking at porn. I rarely do. I'm a total weirdo.

[Icehaven]

PSC seems curtailed by word count. She gets these incredibly complex emotional/sexual conundrums but gives extremely glib advice in one paragraph. Surely if you're that limited don't bother? Except then you'd miss payday. She often says "you need to talk" even if the LW has specifically said they have trouble talking, and gives other advice that just doesn't seem to fit the situation at all, phoning it in. Dread to think how much she gets paid for that shit.

[Cuellar]

He then retired and we carried on our weekend, distanced relationship. But his behaviour changed, and I discovered that he had been indulging in a lot of porn since long before I met him.

Don't understand the timeline here. Why did his behaviour change? They carried on their distanced relationship, so presumably it had been distanced for a while. And he wasn't suddenly 'using' porn, it had been going on for decades, so it presumably wasn't that that made his behaviour change.

I don't understand. Glimpses at lives through the cracks.

[Jockice]

PSC seems curtailed by word count. She gets these incredibly complex emotional/sexual conundrums but gives extremely glib advice in one paragraph. Surely if you're that limited don't bother? Except then you'd miss payday. She often says "you need to talk" even if the LW has specifically said they have trouble talking, and gives other advice that just doesn't seem to fit the situation at all, phoning it in. Dread to think how much she gets paid for that shit.

The problems themselves are often quite severely cut to fit into the paper so the advice sometimes doesn't completely correspond with what has been printed.

Er, so I've heard.

[Jittlebags]

He should have just said that he was taking the lockdown as a good opportunity to learn to play a new instrument - that being the One Stringed Banjo.

[Icehaven]

The problems themselves are often quite severely cut to fit into the paper so the advice sometimes doesn't completely correspond with what has been printed.

Er, so I've heard.

The problems may be cut but if that's the sum total of the advice on offer then they shouldn't bother, it's useless page filler.

[Jockice]

The problems may be cut but if that's the sum total of the advice on offer then they shouldn't bother, it's useless page filler.

Having been a sub-editor myself it can be an absolute nightmare being given a word count/small space and having to chop something to bits. I presume that Pamela's advice often gets cut too. So who knows? Why do people write to problem pages anyway instead of consulting someone in private? There's probably an interesting thesis there. Like there's probably one about how all men are supposed to be hugely turned on by porn and someone who isn't can be left feeling like a bit of a freak. Mentioning no names. Except myself.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Presumably if there was an unabridged version it would, or should feature on the website where the extra 8 kilobytes isn't an issue. I've noticed her responses are usually quite brief. I'm not sure what anyone could reasonably hope from contacting The Guardian. Perhaps Pamela actually contacts the person directly with a more in-depth response?

Anyway, we should be talking about Weekend Distance Periphery Woman vs. Homestead Wankbeast

[Jockice]

Presumably if there was an unabridged version it would, or should feature on the website where the extra 8 kilobytes isn't an issue. I've noticed her responses are usually quite brief. I'm not sure what anyone could reasonably hope from contacting The Guardian. Perhaps Pamela actually contacts the person directly with a more in-depth response?

No. She doesn't.  The first the person knows that it's even been read let alone published is when their problem and her reply appears in the paper. And it's the sub-edited version that appears on the website. You're unlikely to see the full problem unless it's both concise and well-written. Which is rarely the case. For some other regular columns you may be contacted for further information if you provide an article for them but that usually doesn't happen with problems columns.

And how do I know all that, you'll no doubt be asking. But let's just say I have contacts at the Guardian. And severe unsolvable sexual difficulties. Er, does anyone know how to do that crossing out effect?

[Harry Badger]

No. She doesn't.  The first the person knows that it's even been read let alone published is when their problem and her reply appears in the paper. And it's the sub-edited version that appears on the website. You're unlikely to see the full problem unless it's both concise and well-written. Which is rarely the case. For some other regular columns you may be contacted for further information if you provide an article for them but that usually doesn't happen with problems columns.

See, I always assumed these problem pages were total fiction. It's one thing to want advice, it's another to try and get it published in a newspaper. I genuinely cannot understand why a person would do that.

[Butchers Blind]

A missed opportunity they don't go into details about the porn he was using. Was it 'busty, milking lesbians' or 'farting for my pleasure' type stuff?  Need to know.

[Pijlstaart]

Some wanking is wrong. Brother had foul headphones sex with a woman over the internet one night when I was trapped in the top bunk. Scratch me, Scratch me, said he, and he pretended she was scratching him as he wanked. Averse to confrontation, I chose to feign sleep but no-one was convinced, an ear-splitting shriek-wank in the witching hour that no-one could sleep through, father came in to rescue me but the damage was done.

Someone has to put a stop to all this.

[Buelligan]

See, I always assumed these problem pages were total fiction. It's one thing to want advice, it's another to try and get it published in a newspaper. I genuinely cannot understand why a person would do that.

Whatever the motive, I imagine people read them for similar reasons.

On that particular story in the OP, it's not the porn, is it?  It's the weakness.  After thirteen years, finding out someone is so weak and untrusting, so incapable of respect to you, of faith in you, that they'd lie over something so petty.  Either that, or they flat out know you'd hate what they're doing but they're going to do it anyway and lie to you.  Weak, that.  And who wants to be tied to someone as weak and dishonest as that? 

FWIW, I can see if you have this need to do a particular thing, whatever it is, secret drinking, self harm, whatever, and you start a relationship, when do you tell the other person?  Difficult, very difficult, but it does point to a lack of trust on your part.  Not trusting the other party to accept you.  And that's no basis IMO to build on.  IMO, it means you're not really ready to have a relationship with that person because you don't feel able to be who you are with them.  Not a healthy one, anyway.  Sad stuff all round but I think the woman's best off out.

I would add, this is not all the one person's fault, you know, why are these things made so hard for people, why should we have to, for example, tell a new person in our lives that we're just off for a shit?  We don't, because everyone understands and accepts that people need to shit.  Different with more niche activities and more judged.  That's absolutely true.  Nevertheless, a relationship does need to be based on truth and trust and respect.  Somehow this needs to be negotiated and lying is absolutely not the way to do it.

[Emotional Support Peacock]

I also read this article and also thought about starting a thread here, but for different reasons.

The numerous replies "below the line" generally talk about pornography as if it is an intrinsic part of masturbation. I wholly agree that frequent masturbation is normal but I believe that pornography shouldn't be seen as an essential aid to this.

After the news stories about PornHub last year confirmed that the site contained videos of sexual abuse (non-consensual and under-18s) my attitude to porn has changed a lot. If the most well known and "professional" site, that is referred to in newspapers etc as a proper business, contains things like that, what on earth is out there in the rest of internet porn land? It just made me feel really dirty to think I had contributed to that stuff or even unknowingly enjoyed watching some of it.

I'm not sure why my attitude has changed so significantly when this is hardly shocking news (just a couple of months ago I might have scoffed at this post) but as of now I am trying not to deliberately look at porn. It's only been a few weeks but I feel good for it so far, and have enjoyed using my imagination.

Maybe it's a bit early for me to be getting on my high horse about this but it's really made me conscious of the way that pornography has become so central in people's minds over the last 20 years.

[kittens]

it is good and fun to both look at porno and lie to your girlfriend. more power to this gentleman.

[Buelligan]

I am going to smack you so hard.

[Jockice]

See, I always assumed these problem pages were total fiction. It's one thing to want advice, it's another to try and get it published in a newspaper. I genuinely cannot understand why a person would do that.

I don't know. Some of them might be. Mariella Frostrup (who I used to know vaguely when she worked in PR) does a problems page in the Observer and the same problems seem to come up quite often to the extent that it's often commented on by readers below. But then I've never written to her....sorry, known anyone who has subbed her column.

Remember Dr Vernon Coleman's problem page in the Sunday People? "And then when my wife found out that I was having an affair with my secretary, she told me she wanted a threesome with her and we all had the best sex of our life." That's all well and good, but where's the problem? I suspect there may have been a ficticious element involved there.

As to why people would write to problems pages (with real problems) for some I should imagine that strange as it may seem having it appearing in a national newspaper may offer them more privacy than talking to a friend or consulting a professional. I'm thinking of shy people, or those who live in small towns where everyone knows everybody else. Not everyone's confident enough to personally approach a doctor, therapist etc, especially when it comes to that sort of thing. I mean I've seen dozens of doctors through the years and have had that same GP for over 20 years (and gone to the same surgery for 45) but when I developed a lump on one of my bollocks it took me several weeks to pluck up courage to tell him. The GP came round to my place within the hour. It was benign.

As for the problem itself, I can imagine that the woman has a bit of a problem with porn - or maybe with the thought of her partner actually finding anyone else attractive -. and has been pressurising the bloke about it, expecting him to finally break down and confess, so she can be outraged.

As someone who doesn't live with his partner (although the relationship has been going on for about half the time that one has and there are reasons why we haven't moved in together) I don't know how I'd react if ********* suddenly started questioning me about porn use. Although I can honestly say I don't, but that doesn't mean I don't wank. I just use my imagination and memory. However, we have had big problems about me being a (totally platonic) friend with an ex who I went out with for seven months in 1991. And then when she bumped into an ex of hers on a train and got her photo taken with him and became Facebook friends she basically invented a scenario where I was bothered by this. Which I wasn't. All is calm on that front at the moment, but I can imagine it'll flare up at some point in the future.  Strange things relationships. Maybe I should write to a problem page.

[paruses]

I want to hear more about the balls.

[Jockice]

I want to hear more about the balls.

My balls? Er, they're very average. With a lump on the right one. Not originally noticed by me. But it didn't have to be whipped off and the testicle and lump are still there. Not much of a story really.

[thenoise]

Having been a sub-editor myself it can be an absolute nightmare being given a word count/small space and having to chop something to bits. I presume that Pamela's advice often gets cut too. So who knows? Why do people write to problem pages anyway instead of consulting someone in private? There's probably an interesting thesis there. Like there's probably one about how all men are supposed to be hugely turned on by porn and someone who isn't can be left feeling like a bit of a freak. Mentioning no names. Except myself.

Sounds like you just haven't found the right video yet, mate. PM'd.

[Bently Sheds]

Wait... so, after 13 years as weekend "friends", they bought a house together which he moved into and turned it into a post-work wankcave?

[thenoise]

#lad

[Icehaven]

But his behaviour changed, and I discovered that he had been indulging in a lot of porn since long before I met him.

Be interesting to know how his behaviour changed. And if he'd been "indulging in a lot of porn" since long before they met then it's not the porn that accounts for the change in his behaviour. Sounds like he's realised he likes having the place to himself most of the time, so it'd also be interesting to know if he could have afforded it on his own.

[Buelligan]

Yeah, or maybe he thought phew, after thirteen years I can now reveal a tiny bit of myself (not all, though, I shall keep lying about it). 

So crazed.  You've managed to convince someone to love and trust a character you're playing, success at last!  So many people do this shit.  I think they think that their real self is unlovable, so rather than examining that, taking steps to fix it in some way, they decided the easiest and best way forward for everyone is to completely deceive everyone around them and live as strangers performing a role play that's at odds with what they really want.  Together.  And it's not just your own life you're completely pissing up the wall.  Fuck me, that's bleak.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

... I'm thinking of shy people, or those who live in small towns where everyone knows everybody else.

He's married so wishes to remain anonymous... I'm talking to Domingo in Little Oakley.

[JaDanketies]

Once I told an ex that I didn't watch porn, then on Valentines' Day of all days, with a load of pressies laid out on the bed, she loaded up my computer to see some porn.

In my defence she was insanely insecure and jealous and I should have never even gone out with her.

I think that there was some pathological need in me to take the path of least resistance when it comes to lying. I like to think I'm better now and am more honest. With my current (forever) gf I committed to being honest after she caught me out in some bullshit; I can't even remember what the bullshit was now so it was trivial. There was also another ex that I almost lost after making some trivial lie. I feel like I've moved on from a lot of the bad lessons I learned in that abusive relationship, and perhaps also from my childhood.

[Jockice]

And then when she bumped into an ex of hers on a train and got her photo taken with him and became Facebook friends she basically invented a scenario where I was bothered by this. Which I wasn't.

And of course since this ex (her first proper boyfriend) went on to become an actor who was in a very successful soap opera for several years and even now occasionally pops up on the screen, a deadpan: "Oh good, him again,'' is seen as a sign of my insane jealousy if we have a big row. Which luckily we don't often.

And no, I'm not saying who it is.

[Gurke and Hare]

Remember Dr Vernon Coleman's problem page in the Sunday People? "And then when my wife found out that I was having an affair with my secretary, she told me she wanted a threesome with her and we all had the best sex of our life." That's all well and good, but where's the problem? I suspect there may have been a ficticious element involved there.

Vernon Coleman? More likely 100% made up bullshit than "a fictitious element".

And no, I'm not saying who it is.

Okay then, but we'll all be assuming that it's Dean Gaffney's sloppy seconds you're getting.

She often says "you need to talk" even if the LW has specifically said they have trouble talking

Is it possible that saying that is a response to the LW saying they have trouble talking rather than in spite of it? After all, if you can't talk about *stuff* it's going to be a pretty crappy relationship.