The Last Macaques Ever: The Trial!

[Glebe]

Hello all, Macaque Prime here! It's been awhile, but you can read about my previous adventures here!

It's been a bloody rotten time for all, but thankfully that President Chimp is gone and us primates are not able to spread the coronus thing (I think). However, things have not been all that rosy in the macaque world of late!

Don't get me wrong. Little Macaque is doing fine and busy applying to college, while Little Goriila/Macaque - my son with hubby, Michael the Gorilla - has started school. But it's with the aforementioned Michael that the problem lies. My boss at the salon I work at, Gareth the Gibbon, has been making overtures to me for some time, and I am afraid I have been sorely tempted! But things have cooled off and Gareth has made it clear that he will pursue me no more. "You're a married macaque, Primula (my real name... it's complicated), I can't get involved!"

So things seemed to have settled back to normal... almost. Michael's Uncle Barty the Silverback Gorilla, who lives with us, recently received a letter from his former employers at Chimplin's Holiday Camp in Chimpton-on-Sea. Barty had worked there as a compere in his youth, and they asked him would he could back for one last 'curtain call' to celebrate Chimplin's fiftieth anniversary. Naturally he said yes, and it was agreed that the whole family would come along and enjoy a smashing holiday break.



Uncle Barty the Silverback in his heyday.

If I can digress for a moment, I must tell you more about Uncle Barty's showbiz travails. He's quite the dark horse is Barty, and Michael is very proud of him. Following his stint at Chimplin's, he became quite a successful nightclub stand-up and singer, with the fruits of his labour paying off in a performance of 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'' on the BBC's Pebble Mill at One in the '90s. It should have been a triumph, but unfortunately the hot studio lights put him off his game and he lost it. Barty was more used to performing in dark nightclubs, and those lights caused him to overheat and go mental.



Uncle Barty's performance was tragic in more ways than one.

It was one thing to hear his voice go all off key, but quite another to see him go berserk and kill the entire backing back, studio hosts and several cameramen. The audience, thankfully, escaped with only mild contusions, but it was clear that Barty would have to be put down. Quick thinking saved him, however; he grabbed onto some studio cables and swung towards the glass windows of the Pebble Mill set, smashing his way to freedom. With the vast majority of humans not being able to single-out one gorilla from another, he has basically been able to go on and live his life as normal. If only the same could be said for me...

Where was I? Oh yes, our holiday at Chimplin's was wonderful, and Uncle Barty drew quite a crowd for his farewell performance. Things were going well until an unexpected face showed up... you guessed it, my boss, Gareth the Gibbon. Michael was extremely suspicious about these apparently-coincidental holiday plans, and to make matters worse, Gareth insisted on joining in on all our holiday activities. One day, myself, George, Little Gorilla/Macaque  and Gareth (naturally) took off on a boat trip along the coast. And this is where things went awry.



Little Gorilla/Macaque takes the helm.

We were some way's away from the shore when a cloud of hazy mist sprung up. Michael was doing a good job of steering us, but the sudden fog was making it difficult for him to navigate. Meanwhile, myself and Gary - sorry, Gareth - were enjoying a little chat at the stern. Gareth can be quite the charmer, and he began to illicit some chuckles from Your's Truly. Hearing my girlish laughter, Michael obviously got the red mist, for within seconds he was upon us, his face a-flush!

"What are you two giggling about?" he enquired jealously, never minding the fact that the boat was now without captain!

"MICHAEL, THE BOAT!" I cried. Snapping out his fury, my lackadaisical hubby dashed back to the steering wheel - but in his haste, he tripped.... and fell overboard!

"MACAQUE OVERBOARD!" yelled Gareth. "He's a gorilla, not a macaque!" I shouted, but there were more important matters at hand. Thinking on my feet, I grabbed an oar and held it out in the direction of Michael's voice, which was growing fainter by the minute. Meanwhile, Little Gorilla/Macaque had proved resourceful, and had grabbed the wheel of the boat.

And then suddenly Michael was gone. His voice had faded into the distance, and I collapsed in a heap of awful tears. "Don't worry Primula," said Gareth, with unnatural calmness, "my phone is still in range, I'll ring the local coastguard and we'll head back!" I wanted to stay out there and search, but I realised this was the most sensible thing to do and agreed.

Back on dry land, we saw that the coastguard had already dispatched some search boats. To my surprize, I noticed that the local police constabulary had arrived too. As they approached, Gareth suddenly piped up. "Hello, Officer, glad you could make it - there's the guilty suspect!" he cried, pointing to me!

"I am arresting you on suspicion of murder, and anything you may be taken down and used against you as evidence in a court of law!" announced the Constable. "WHAT?! Gareth, what is this?" But Gareth just smirked in reply.

I could have tried to make a break for it, but I would be found eventually; renowned primate expert Jane Goodall attended my wedding and could identify me in a whole pack of macaques.

So I sit here in the jail cell from which I have been addressing you, Dear Reader. Gareth's sinister accusation has been an absolute BOMBSHELL, but here I am... awaiting trial for the murder of my husband!

TO BE CONTINUED!

[popcorn]

Is this the face of the most hated macaque in Britain?

[Ferris]

Trying to explain to Mrs Ferris why I'm laughing "about macaques".

Look mad now, cheers for that.

[Glebe]

Is this the face of the most hated macaque in Britain?

YES!

Trying to explain to Mrs Ferris why I'm laughing "about macaques".

Look mad now, cheers for that.

My apologies Ferris! I just felt like I had to wrap up the Macaques Saga for once and for all! Stay tuned...

[Mr Farenheit]

Oh my god, this is terrible news. I hope this injustice can be remedied! #prayformacaque

[Glebe]

Ace NY lawyer Hatchberg, advising me to be cautious!

Hi folks, Macaque Prime here again. It's been over a month since my last update, but you'll have to excuse me as I've been spending most of that time sitting here in prison. I say most of that time, for my only breaks away from these grey prison bars have been provided by my trips to the Old Bailey, where I have been on trial for the murder of my beloved hubby Michael.

As described last post, it all happened during a trip to Chimplin's Holiday Camp in Chimpton-on-Sea. My boss, Gareth the Gibbon, accompanied myself, Michael and Little Gorilla/Macaque on a boat trip one day; Michael went overboard and has not been seen since! Meanwhile, in a shock twist, Gareth has accused me of pushing him over - and since then, my-first born, Little Macaque, has been accused of being my 'co-conspirator', even though he was not on the boat trip with us!

While I'd prefer that he hadn't been dragged into all this, it's a comfort to have Little Macaque by my side during these gruelling courtroom sessions. And thankfully we have a good lawyer on our side; Buford Tenenbaum Hatchberg, the legal eagle baboon who was so moved by our case that he came over from New York to defend us, free of charge!



The monstrous countenance of Judge Sykes-Branford

And we need some defending, I can tell you! For the trial judge is none other than the dreaded Aubrey Sykes-Branford, a decorated former military man and scourge of the courtroom! He may be a fellow macaque, but he takes no prisoners and, even though our case would seem like an easy win, given how myself and Little Macaque have been so obviously framed, something is clearly rotten in the state of Denmark and all bets are off!

Indeed, things have looked particularly pear shaped from right from the start. Judge Sykes-Branford gave a particularly one-sided opening statement on the first day of the trial, with some snide insinuations levelled at Your's Truly! I was about to speak up in protest, until Hatchberg advised caution.

"No no, Prime! Don't rise to the bait, my dear macaque! We'll have our day in court yet!"



MP Tom Randall was on hand to feed the hungry jury.

Well that first day in court was pretty bloody long, I can tell you. In fact things got so involving that there was barely time for lunch, so it was just as well that MP Tom Randall was on hand. He nipped out to the takeaway and got everyone fish and chips - unfortunately he forgot the drinks, and so another Member of Parliament who also happened to be present - a top Government Minister, in fact! - took it upon himself to pop out for Lucozade, Oasis, Irn-Bru and plain old Evian water!

"I'm fast as fuck, I'll be back in no time!" cried said MP, Matt Hancock, before jogging out of the court. What a day! And there is plenty more drama to come, as I will detail in my next post! Take care for now!



Matt Hancock, nipping out for bevvies!

[Fambo Number Mive]

Love it. In particular the nuts on the judge's bench.

[Gregory Torso]

Glebe, your threads always cheer me up, and christ knows I need some of that. Eagerly awaiting the next update.

[Glebe]

Hello all, Macaque Prime here with the latest update! Sorry about the delay, but to 'break the Fourth Wall' as it were, Glebe has been a bit "arsed, cigs," lately - and he doesn't even smoke!

Anyway, back to the trial. As I have previously explained, I have been unfairly accused of my husband's murder, thanks to the duplicitous doings of my former boss, Gareth the Gibbon! Thankfully I have free legal aid in the shape of ace New York lawyer Buford Tenenbaum Hatchberg, the US baboon having heard about our case and subsequently offering his services for nowt!



The prosecution team have been giving us one heck of a fight however, headed up as they are by Dr. Zaius Kavanaugh, Q.C. Things took an unusual turn today when Dr. Z called the strangest of witnesses to the stand.

"You Honour, I would like ask Hans the dog to take the stand!"

"Hans the dog?!? An actual dog?!?" answered judge Aubrey Sykes-Branford, an incredulous look on his face. The old grump was in particularly foul humour today, some wag having stuck a 'Judge Judy' sign to the front of his bench (see below).

"Yes, m'lud, a dog!"

"Proceed, Doctor, but do not turn this hearing into a farce!"

"Thank you, Your Honour. CALL THE FIRST WITNESS!"

And with that, a dog was brought in and put in the witness chair. A dog, would you believe! Judge Sykes-Branford was so astonished by this that he left his chair and took a seat with the crowd.



"You are, are you not, Hans the dog?" enquired Zaius.

"RUFF!"

"I'll take that as a yes. And do you not have an owner who had a painting of you commissioned?"

"RUFF!"

"Objection Your Honour, the attorney is leading the witness! He's literally leading him out of the courtroom on a leash!"

"OBJECTION OVERRULED!" yelled Sykes-Branford, taking his seat behind his bench again. "Zaius Kavanagh, were is all this going?"

"Indulge me, Your Honour," smiled Zaius calmly on return to his seat. CALL EXHIBIT A!"

And with that, a bald man entered the courtroom, holding up a painting of Hans!



"You Honour, this painting was hanging in the hotel room of the Macaques on the night of the 'alleged' murder. It was on loan from Hans owner, who stands before you. And yet Macaque Prime has no recollection of it being there, as she will reveal when I question her later!"

The entire courtroom gasped. What next?! STAY TUNED!

[Mr Farenheit]

GASP!

[Bazooka]

Absolute scenes in that court, a dark day for justice.

[Glebe]

Hello all, Primula here (or 'Macaque Prime' as I'm more commonly known!). I'm sorry I haven't updated you all on my situation for awhile, it's been hard to get any letters written! I'm in a 'macaque-inclusive' women's prison - it's a bit like TV show Orange is the New Macaque!

Little Macaque is being kept in a juvenile macaque detention centre - he has been implicated in the alleged murder of my husband/his father, even though he was not on the boat the day of the disappearance! It's been a very trying time, but throughout it all we've had ace lawyer Buford Tenenbaum Hatchberg on our side. He is very kind, and just this morning dropped in to visit me with a lovely Aldi Cuthbert the Caterpillar cake! It was just what I needed to pick up me, as that afternoon's courtroom session was to be quiet exhausting!



Ace lawyer Hatchberg very kindly bought me a lovely caterpillar cake!

The courtroom was packed by 2PM, the trial having attracted a lot of attention. I was amazed to see the likes of Meryl Streep, Simon Cowell, Noel Edmonds and that guy who made the helicopter out of chocolate in the public gallery! But to more pressing matters. Dr. Zaius of the prosecution had been quite dogged, but Hatchberg had a real ace up his sleeve today...

"Your Honour, I have obtained some video evidence I would like to show to the court," he told Judge Sykes-Branford.

"Very well... bring it on!" answered Sykes-Branford, surly as ever.



Today's public gallery was packed with famous faces, including Streep, Cowell, Edmonds and more!

The TV screen and video player were brought out, and Hatchberg pressed play on the VCR. Suddenly a familiar and very famous face popped up on the screen - it was Nelson Mandela! I had met the late South African President and anti-apartheid legend some years ago at a dinner in honour of Britain's macaques. He had been very courteous, but I had no idea he had recorded this special 'in case of emergencies' video message for me!

"I want to tell you, I have never met more honest, decent, law-abiding macaques as Macaque Prime and her family," he said in the video. "If she or any of her family are ever charged with murder or owt, I want you to know that the claims will be little more than spurious gossip with nary a shred of evidence to prove their guilt!"

The court gasped throughout the video. My former boss, Gareth the Gibbon - who was instrumental in getting myself and Little Macaque charged with this supposed 'murder' of my absent hubby - shifted uncomfortably in his seat and turned away. I was about to punch the air in victory, but Hatchberg motioned me to remain calm. "Be cautious, Primula... the trials' not over yet!" he whispered!

Just as he spoke I saw Zaius, who had been chatting busily with his team, suddenly turn and look at me with a sly smile. What was he up to? Did he have an ace in the hole? The trial is drawing to a close and the tension is unbearable... see you next time!



The 'Mandela Tape' had the courtroom agog!