ARGHHH!! having a baby!

[studpuppet]

congrats! hope it doesn't get in the way of the wimblewrong schedule though

Literally the most important thing said on this thread. Why don't men think before dipping their wick?

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Due date is start of July, so it's looking dicey for Wimblewrong.

Planning on dressing it as Ron on most days. Already started subscribing to filth on Virgin Media to get an authentic bill.

[madhair60]

way to contribute to overpopulation

really cool of you.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Due date is start of July, so it's looking dicey for Wimblewrong.

Planning on dressing it as Ron on most days. Already started subscribing to filth on Virgin Media to get an authentic bill.

Ask for a computer with internet access and photoshop installed in the delivery room.

[Marner and Me]

Remember to tax and MOT it

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Ask for a computer with internet access and photoshop installed in the delivery room.

NHS WiFI mate, got the login already. I'll bring my laptop in so I can "work" while she's labouring away.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'm going to have a baby now and show you all what a real parent looks like.

But surely that's going to take 30+ years...

[Jasha]

Please to see you're actually admitting responsibility for this one

[Inspector Norse]

My brother's having a baby any day now, are you him? Will send the same advice I've sent him anyway which is keep it simple.

Don't get caught up in making every outing with the buggy a massive holiday-scale project. You need a couple of nappies and some wipes and, once the kid can take food that doesn't come direct from its mum, some snacks and a water bottle. You don't need to pack up half your belongings. Shops exist.

Figure out how it likes to sleep and just roll with it. Our firstborn didn't like sleeping in beds to begin with, so we got a secondhand buggy and put it on the balcony. And then when he refused to go to bed at night too we just brought the buggy in, rolled him to sleep in that and then put him in his bed. Once you can get the baby into a regular sleep pattern - usually one morning nap and one afternoon nap - you're sorted.

Get used to changing nappies and that's half the problem gone. The rancid umbilical thing on its bellybutton will drop off after a few weeks.

Any insults yelled or decisions made between the hours of 10pm and 8am do not count. Remember that and remember to let each other sleep when necessary. Get some Duplo and a train set and be prepared to get up at 5am and build the fuckers - more to entertain yourself than the baby, who will just lie there wiggling and gurgling and looking at the ceiling rather than the elaborate living quarters you have just constructed for a plastic cow. You can have a nap later you know?

A lot of the time just go with the flow. Babies don't do very much. I remember the first morning on the maternity ward, my partner rang the alarm button and a nurse came hurrying in and asked her what the problem was. "He woke up," she answered. "What do we do?"

I like many people actually miss the baby/toddler time when they're cute and cosy and don't know about concepts like "buy" and "sweets" and "iPad" and "play one parent off the other until I get what I want".

Course all babies are different, yours could be a total cunt.

[Ferris]

^Oh right fucking hell that's just reminded me: do sleep training whenever they're old enough (6 months? Don't remember, google it though).

Put em to bed, leave them on their own to figure it out (watching on baby monitor it you must) and if they cry for more than 30 mins (set a timer, don't guess) you go in. If not, you leave it. The little one will cry about it for 2 or 3 nights then will sleep through the night, every night after with no drama.

It's fucking magic. Not a barrel of laughs for those 2 or 3 days but christ it is worth it.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

This is all good advice. Thanks.

[Brundle-Fly]

Labour is a wild time. You won't forget it.

Does politics have to be dragged into every thread?

[Tony Tony Tony]

Despite what so called experts say there is nothing, absolutely nada wrong with sticking the tot in front of a TV at six o'clock in the morning on a weekend. As you lay exhausted on the settee you will find some of those CBeebies presenters surprisingly sexy. (See the Phwoarrr thread for confirmation)

Except Mr Tumble. He's a tosser.

[thenoise]

Looks like Mark E Smith.

But then, babies all look like Mark E Smith. Then Churchill once they fatten up a bit.

I've been a stay at home Dad all lockdown, my DS son is 20 months now. Alternate sleep deprivation, fun, stress, rows with my wife, rows with inlaws, panic, and boredom. You'll be fine. I mean, you'll go fycking nuts, but you'll live.

Dont tell your wife that you saw her shit herself while she was on an epidural. She doesn't need to know these things.

[greencalx]

The best advice I got from a colleague was: "It doesn't matter what you do, you won't fuck it up." Obviously there will be limits, but the basic sentiment is sound: as long as the child is warm, fed and safe, everything else is a detail.

My own advice is to ignore all advice, especially mine. All babies (and their parents) are different. What works for you might not work for me, or vice versa. Ours didn't sleep through the night for three years, which is not uncommon, despite what you might read elsewhere. After trying everyone else's magic bullet, we just gave up and sure enough it sorted itself out in time. Just nod patiently when someone tells you that all you need to do is pat their tummy anticlockwise while reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards.

I disagree that the first couple of weeks are the hardest. Everything is new and exciting then. Visits from the community midwife and the health visitor keep you on the straight and narrow. Friends and family pitch in. You've both got parental leave, which helps a lot. I think around 9-18 months was the hardest for us: the novelty had very much worn off; being woken every couple of hours through the night had lost its appeal; both parents trying to work while all this was going on was tough. It's great seeing the developmental milestones, but the period where they are mobile, have the use of their hands, but are not yet able to follow instructions is very tiring.

Each year from age 3 onwards has been great (and each better than the last: it's around then that things move on to enjoying doing things together.

Oh, and what Tony said. I have no idea how people get dinner cooked without CBeebies acting as babysitter.

[Inspector Norse]

The best advice I got from a colleague was: "It doesn't matter what you do, you won't fuck it up."

Don't know about that, you might fuck it up.

[Noodle Lizard]

Congratulations. The first year can be utterly horrible at times, although it's more psychologically taxing than anything else (diaper changes and feedings are actually easy, just tedious). I found it very difficult to believe the maxim that "it gets better" during that time, but it's true - if you're anything like me, it'll get a lot easier and more enjoyable once they start becoming "human", for lack of a better term.

Make sure your relationship with your partner is kept healthy and don't be afraid to ask for help from wherever you can get it whenever you need it.

All the best!

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

diaper

No need for this sort of language.

[Better Midlands]

The first 20 years are the worst.

Then after that it's a different kind of worst.

[Ferris]

Make sure your relationship with your partner is kept healthy and don't be afraid to ask for help from wherever you can get it whenever you need it.

We had a rule for the first 6 months if you got covered in the trifecta of shit, vomit, and piss you were allowed to tap out early, even if it was your 4hr "shift" to be on point. Only used it twice but it was necessary.

[Emma Raducanu]

Make sure your relationship with your partner is kept healthy and don't be afraid to ask for help from wherever you can get it whenever you need it.

Something like this. The first couple of years really tested us but then we had absolutely no help whatsoever. We were nackered and we'd constantly fall out over tiny things. I remember my partner having an absolute melt down because she thought I'd left a pair of socks at the hospital. It will certainly be a help if you're both laid back people and just share all the jobs.

The worst part for me in the early years was having to spend so much time around other parents, which becomes a tedious cycle of politeness. Or coming home from a 12 hour shift to the surprise of other people's children in your house. Looking back, the first 2 years were the hardest by a million miles and by now, we just talk and do things together like we're friends.

[greencalx]

That all sounds very familiar, DolphinFace. Very few people seem willing to admit that the first couple of years are relentless and you may sometimes question whether you did the right thing. There seems to be a pressure to say "I wouldn't miss this for the world". Maybe some people - perhaps even a majority - genuinely think this every day from day one, but it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. Like I said before, from about age 3/4 onwards I am of that way of thinking. As you say, the turning point is where you start doing things together like you're friends.

One particular memory is me and jr heading down to a soft play[nb]Some people seem to view soft play as the devil's bowels. We've never had any trouble with them - quite the opposite: it was almost always a case of post the kid in, and have them pop out an hour later exercised and happy. A rare chance to sit down with a coffee and a copy of Private Eye.[/nb] that has a pub [nb]family friendly, the kind that the CaB hivemind hates, but an oasis for parents with young children. And yes, we keep ourselves to ourselves and would leave as soon as he got restless so your quiet pint was unaffected.[/nb] opposite. The usual drill was to do the hour of soft play followed by a beer (for him) and an ice cream (for me). One time, on the way there he said, "Can we skip the soft play and just go straight to the pub?". Like father, like son.

[greencalx]

Oh, and the other thing I discovered is that you can attend the local A&E surprisingly many times without any awkward questions being asked. One time the nurse practitioner greeted us with "Ah yes, I remember. I patched this ear up, didn't I? It's healed very well. Now, that wrist..."

[Chedney Honks]

Congratulations, Al. More of 'us' can only be a good thing.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Baby = No more funny gifs

Careful guys, we should be setting his priorities straight here

[badaids]

Don't worry Al we're going to find out who did this to your wife or whatever the fuck she is.

[Buelligan]

That all sounds very familiar, DolphinFace. Very few people seem willing to admit that the first couple of years are relentless and you may sometimes question whether you did the right thing. There seems to be a pressure to say "I wouldn't miss this for the world". Maybe some people - perhaps even a majority - genuinely think this every day from day one, but it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. Like I said before, from about age 3/4 onwards I am of that way of thinking. As you say, the turning point is where you start doing things together like you're friends.

Also, try to keep in mind that whilst this time may be incredibly stressful and exhausting both mentally and physically, the woman part of the team has also had 9 months of vomiting, weeing and becoming enormous and unwieldy, losing dominion over her own body, hormone fuckery, indigestion, cramps and ruined sleep before having her vagina forcibly stretched to the size of a small melon in front of someone like Dr Alan Statham, if she's lucky.  That's just as a warm up.  Jewellery is a really lovely idea but following it up, doing more than your share of night bollocks and all the other draining shit, may actually be more important.

Making a new person is one of the most optimistic, positive things a human can do.  Very very best of luck to you both with the whole project.

[Emma Raducanu]

Also, try to keep in mind that whilst this time may be incredibly stressful and exhausting both mentally and physically, the woman part of the team has also had 9 months of vomiting, weeing and becoming enormous and unwieldy, losing dominion over her own body, hormone fuckery, indigestion, cramps and ruined sleep before having her vagina forcibly stretched to the size of a small melon in front of someone like Dr Alan Statham, if she's lucky.  That's just as a warm up.  Jewellery is a really lovely idea but following it up, doing more than your share of night bollocks and all the other draining shit, may actually be more important.

Making a new person is one of the most optimistic, positive things a human can do.  Very very best of luck to you both with the whole project.

Of course. I would be more of a dick than her when tired and I could not stress the importance of sharing responsibilities enough. The sock incident just stood out as an hillarious illustration of how things can be sometimes. You can see some families operate on a 'his job', 'her job' basis and it's awful to see. Just do everything! There was a woman who went to our antenatal classes alone because her husband saw it as her thing. I've also heard men count the number of times they've changed a nappy.

[idunnosomename]

of course, Hitler was a baby once. Stalin too, and Winston Churchill. all former babies, all bad 'uns. I suppose Satan was never a baby though.

[Ferris]

I've also heard men count the number of times they've changed a nappy.

That stuff makes me genuinely quite angry. "I love you, my darling partner, but look there's some turds there on our child (who I also love more than anything) so you'd best sort that as we I agreed it was your job."

I mean, whatever works for couples I suppose (and it's not exactly my idea of a good time) but I do I think it's a bit pathetic to be scared of changing diapers.