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March 29, 2024, 11:59:11 AM

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ARGHHH!! having a baby!

Started by Al Tha Funkee Homosapien, March 06, 2021, 02:30:37 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Captain Crunch

Congratulations!

Quote from: Tony Tony Tony on March 06, 2021, 02:51:57 PM
As I am a soppy git I would add that be sure to get Mrs Al a lovely pressie (jewellery always acceptable). once she has squeezed out the sprog and she hands you the little alien who is going to rule the rest of your days, you hand the gift over and say this is from little Ron.

This is the best advice so far, just remember ABP – Anything But Pandora. 

Dr Trouser

During pregnancy remind her to try and avoid smoking, alcohol and thalidomide.

JamesTC

Teach the child some incorrect facts such as "everything was black & white before colour paint was invented" and "the insurance dog's first name is Winston and he used to run the country".

Buelligan

Do not do this.  Genuinely had some beloved but not always sensible ancient relatives, who taught me, amongst other things, that one of them was native American (a lie although he wanted to be) and that Ann Boleyn was always smiling because her pants were made from tickly sheepskin.  You can imagine how much these facts impressed my teachers and how imparting them enhanced my reputation for truthfulness and innocence.  Seven years old, I was.

Don't buy too many of the small sized clothes as the baby grows really quick. If family want to get clothes as gifts, get them to buy 3-6 and 9-12 months. Accept any hand me downs from other family and colleagues. When people find out you're having a baby you get all kinds of clothes, toys and accessories that people can't be arsed to sell or donate to the charity shop. It saves you hundreds of pounds.

Agree with the advice about travelling light when you go out. If you've  got a rucksack, you can fill it with a bottle, nappy change stuff and some wipes. You don't need much else.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

greencalx

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 07, 2021, 01:21:44 PM
That stuff makes me genuinely quite angry. "I love you, my darling partner, but look there's some turds there on our child (who I also love more than anything) so you'd best sort that as we I agreed it was your job."

I mean, whatever works for couples I suppose (and it's not exactly my idea of a good time) but I do I think it's a bit pathetic to be scared of changing diapers.

It's not like changing a nappy is even that difficult. Sometimes you get one of Those Poos that manages to spread itself everywhere, blobs of which turn up three days later on the floor / wall / your glasses / in a mug of hot chocolate[nb]all of these have happened[nb]ok I admit it, only three of these have happened, but I'm not telling which[/nb][/nb], but luckily these are few and far between. I found washing out a potty (once we'd got that far) more annoying than dealing with a nappy.

Ferris

Quote from: greencalx on March 07, 2021, 04:43:04 PM
It's not like changing a nappy is even that difficult. Sometimes you get one of Those Poos that manages to spread itself everywhere, blobs of which turn up three days later on the floor / wall / your glasses / in a mug of hot chocolate[nb]all of these have happened[nb]ok I admit it, only three of these have happened, but I'm not telling which[/nb][/nb], but luckily these are few and far between. I found washing out a potty (once we'd got that far) more annoying than dealing with a nappy.

I have dealt with two shites since I made that post, and only one of them was mine.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

As I said before this is all great advice.

In regards to getting Mrs Al some jewellery, well she's a jeweller by trade so she can make her own shiny shit.

I have no issues with lack of sleep, bodily fluids and will happily try and fix a broken baby at home before braving ED.

Its far enough away that I can be glib and carefree. Trying to make the most of my free time while I can.

Mostly looking forward to it though. Me and Mrs Al have a great and fairly long lasting relationship and were both happy to tell each other when we're pissed off. So hopefully that should help.

Summer baby will be better if imagine to. Having one in the depths of winter seems mad!

thenoise

Every old cunt will give you terrible advice especially your own parents, just get good at nodding and smiling and saying thank you then ignoring them. Pointing out how wrong they are will count as a direct insult and ingratitude against their oh so brilliant child rearing skills,which they are expert at having had at least one more than you.

Ideally you want to try and get your inlaws to engage in a spending war against each other, let one set buy the cot, another the pram, etc. So best not to fall out so badly you don't talk any more, tempting as it is.

The NHS takes everything to do with children rather seriously, so any minor concerns or problems get on the phone to the GP (or health visitor/etc as appropriate). They won't just tell you to fuck off like they do with middle aged cunts like us. To be fair, in the unlikely scenario that it is something serious, things can progress frightening fast for babies/little children.


Mr Trumpet

Be sure your fridge and cupboards are well stocked ahead of the due date. Ready meals will be your salvation for the first few weeks.

thenoise

Quote from: Buelligan on March 07, 2021, 10:51:25 AM
Also, try to keep in mind that whilst this time may be incredibly stressful and exhausting both mentally and physically, the woman part of the team has also had 9 months of vomiting, weeing and becoming enormous and unwieldy, losing dominion over her own body, hormone fuckery, indigestion, cramps and ruined sleep before having her vagina forcibly stretched to the size of a small melon in front of someone like Dr Alan Statham, if she's lucky.

Look into hypnobirthing. It's not as hippy as it sounds, and can be really helpful in helping to deal with pain, exhaustion and (especially) fear. Do some visualisations together, and come up with some positive affirmations that she responds well to, so uou can bring them along with you to help. Don't be one of those men who sits there like a lemon, work out what she wants and needs and be an active birth partner.

At the very least, start thinking about a birth plan, consider all the different possibilities and how you respond to them, how they make you feel, etc. You should do this together, but lead by her of course.

greencalx

Quote from: thenoise on March 07, 2021, 05:37:51 PM
The NHS takes everything to do with children rather seriously, so any minor concerns or problems get on the phone to the GP (or health visitor/etc as appropriate). They won't just tell you to fuck off like they do with middle aged cunts like us. To be fair, in the unlikely scenario that it is something serious, things can progress frightening fast for babies/little children.

That's a good point. We generally phoned NHS Direct / 24 / 111 / whatever it's called now whenever something happened (usually on a Saturday when I was "looking after" the child and an accident inevitably occurred). They were very good at figuring out if you should just put a bag of peas on it / go to your GP / go to A&E, and would phone ahead to make the necessary arrangements. I generally felt reassured that we weren't wasting anyone's time when we'd been told by the NHS to avail ourselves of their fucking services.

Oh, and yes, we were generally able to get same-day appointments with the GP when we needed one. It was almost always a chest infection. I remember the conversation with the GP about the first one. "I'll need to prescribe some antibiotics" said the GP. Thinking back to the rigmarole involved in getting a cat to take a worming tablet, I asked: "Will that be a tablet?". The GP looked at me with a frown and said "You've not had this before had you. No, it comes in the form of a solution which you'll need to keep in the fridge". And then, with perfect comic timing. "I'm afraid you may find it loosens the stools."

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

We've been watching a lot of One Born Every Minute which seems to have made her calmer about rather than shitting her up too mu

I'm pretty okay with assessing babies/little people as part of my day job, but I am not an expert, and I'm sure its different when its one of your own. One of my sisters is paediatric consultant so she'll be a handy contact as well.

Inspector Norse

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on March 07, 2021, 06:03:22 PM
I'm pretty okay with assessing babies/little people as part of my day job

Lostprophets roadie?

poo


Noodle Lizard

Quote from: DolphinFace on March 07, 2021, 01:14:26 PMYou can see some families operate on a 'his job', 'her job' basis and it's awful to see. Just do everything! There was a woman who went to our antenatal classes alone because her husband saw it as her thing. I've also heard men count the number of times they've changed a nappy.

I don't even understand how it's practically possible unless these dads are never alone with their child. Also if the mum has a C-section she will be all but incapable of changing one for at least a week, if not longer.

I never found nappy changes too bad. After a while you become so efficient at it that you can hold your breath throughout and barely look anyway. I have recently mastered the standing-up nappy change, which impresses everyone. Thinking of going pro.

Blue Jam

Quote from: Tony Tony Tony on March 06, 2021, 02:51:57 PM
As I am a soppy git I would add that be sure to get Mrs Al a lovely pressie (jewellery always acceptable). once she has squeezed out the sprog

Booze or a big spliff would probably be more welcome.

Congrats Al! Now please get on with doing lots of photoshopping while you still have the energy.

Ferris

Quote from: Noodle Lizard on March 07, 2021, 10:15:31 PM
I don't even understand how it's practically possible unless these dads are never alone with their child.

One of the reasons I was so militant about learning everything (as well as taking paternity leave and everything else) was so I would never be in the situation of being terrified of looking after my own son.

I can't help but feel sorry for people (mainly men, I assume) who have avoided XYZ task only to find they are scared of being left alone unsupervised with their kids.

Blue Jam

Quote from: idunnosomename on March 07, 2021, 01:15:31 PM
of course, Hitler was a baby once. Stalin too, and Winston Churchill. all former babies, all bad 'uns.

https://youtu.be/-xTaVIPhAi8

Mr Farenheit

Yes! Well done Al and Mrs Al on some top level impregnatin' and fertilisatin'

Looking forward to some 'shopped footage of the delivery!

Tony Tony Tony

Oh almost forgot.... get as much as the gas and air in the delivery room as you can. It's some wild shit, free drugs.

You might have to let Mrs Al have a go now and again, after all she will be doing the majority of the work.

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on March 08, 2021, 12:45:50 AM
One of the reasons I was so militant about learning everything (as well as taking paternity leave and everything else) was so I would never be in the situation of being terrified of looking after my own son.

I can't help but feel sorry for people (mainly men, I assume) who have avoided XYZ task only to find they are scared of being left alone unsupervised with their kids.

Yes, my dad was astonished to see me change nappies and feed my son. He'd never done it, not once, and he'd had six children. That's just how things were back in his day. To be fair, neither my mum nor his ex wife had ever singlehandedly tiled Cliff Richard's swimming pool, so it's swings and roundabouts.

One of the best bits of advice I can give is that that your baby isn't anywhere near as fragile as you think it is. I'm not saying to chuck him/her about or take them abseiling, but know that if you do bump their head on the bath, it's probably not going to require medical attention.

Buelligan

Don't bump their head on the fucking bath.

I'm not even lying, my brother's quite ill (not afaik because of being bumped on the bath) but he has to have all sorts of ghastly scans and shit.  Anyway, his specialist asked him very gently what head injuries he'd suffered as an infant or small child.  None to his knowledge but doc thinks something rather unfortunate took place.  So try not to throw the little fucks about is my advice.

The Ombudsman

Quote from: greencalx on March 06, 2021, 07:28:58 PM
The best advice I got from a colleague was: "It doesn't matter what you do, you won't fuck it up." Obviously there will be limits, but the basic sentiment is sound: as long as the child is warm, fed and safe, everything else is a detail.

My own advice is to ignore all advice, especially mine. All babies (and their parents) are different. What works for you might not work for me, or vice versa. Ours didn't sleep through the night for three years, which is not uncommon, despite what you might read elsewhere. After trying everyone else's magic bullet, we just gave up and sure enough it sorted itself out in time. Just nod patiently when someone tells you that all you need to do is pat their tummy anticlockwise while reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards.

I disagree that the first couple of weeks are the hardest. Everything is new and exciting then. Visits from the community midwife and the health visitor keep you on the straight and narrow. Friends and family pitch in. You've both got parental leave, which helps a lot. I think around 9-18 months was the hardest for us: the novelty had very much worn off; being woken every couple of hours through the night had lost its appeal; both parents trying to work while all this was going on was tough. It's great seeing the developmental milestones, but the period where they are mobile, have the use of their hands, but are not yet able to follow instructions is very tiring.

Each year from age 3 onwards has been great (and each better than the last: it's around then that things move on to enjoying doing things together.

Oh, and what Tony said. I have no idea how people get dinner cooked without CBeebies acting as babysitter.

Was going to post the above myself. Do what works for you. The comparisons between babies/children can do your head in. "Mine slept through the night from 1 day old" and "Our NEVER cries" are usually lies and very unhelpful. Again, do what works for you and take what anyone else says with a pinch of salt.

Blinder Data

#84
Congratulations and welcome to the club! My own thread is here if you find any other interesting tidbits: https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,80873.0.html

Many people have already written good stuff, but here's some from me:

- write out a detailed birth plan for every eventuality. It might need to be junked but at least you know how you will respond. We planned a hippy dippy positive one and then on the day had every intervention under the sun. However, knowing the plan meant I could advocate for my wife while she was off her face on morphine.

- batten down the hatches for the first week or two after birth. midwives don't tend to tell you how hard the first few days are, specifically. it's extremely intense, especially if you're trying to breastfeed and nothing seems to be happening until your wife is crying because her breasts are exploding. keep visitors away and discourage the mother from leaving the house for at least a few days - she needs to recover

- keep snacks by the bed at all times, especially if you're doing breastfeeding. nut and date bars from ALDI are good for this.

- batch cook and freeze a load of food. get your friends and family to buy you a big order from COOK. In fact, fleece the doting grandparents for all they're worth. otherwise facebook marketplace is where the real economy is.

- do everything you can now that you won't be able to do after they arrive. read books, paint, play computer games, talk to your partner about something that isn't baby-related. that all goes.

It might be that your experience is similar to ours, in that due to COVID you can't quite have the nicest "babymoon" you'd like, can't share the experience of pregnancy with your friends/family, can't attend antenatal classes and instead are directed to online videos. all this is shit and other parents don't quite get it. however, the baby, when they arrive, will be great.

eventually, you get the hang of it

your life is over, enjoy the ride

Tony Tony Tony

Another useful tip I was given is make a little notice for your front door, along the lines of;

Baby Ron arrived home on XXth of XXX
weighed in at a healthy XX pounds.

We are all currently taking a well earned nap

Please don't be offended but you will be welcome back later once we are all awake.


A pic of little Ron always helps

Your notice will be ignored by the new Grandparents but hey they are entitled as they will be forking out for Ron's new wheels. On top of that they generally don't mind if you slope off to finish your nap so they can bill and coo over the new family member. Though they will give the baby back once it fills a nappy

poo

Some great parenting advice from Limmy during this morning's stream - hide in the toilet and look at your phone.

Inspector Norse

Quote from: Tony Tony Tony on March 08, 2021, 12:13:53 PM
A pic of little Ron

Coincidentally the profile pic on that Virgin Media account

idunnosomename

DONT TRADE IT FOR A MOBILE PHONE OR A FLATSCREEN TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ferris

Quote from: idunnosomename on March 08, 2021, 01:30:24 PM
DONT TRADE IT FOR A MOBILE PHONE OR A FLATSCREEN TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah hold out until they offer an iPad or MacBook Pro.