People who turn up for a new job and then never come back

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Phoenix Lazarus (me) was a dustman
He didn't wear a hat
He left on his very first day
Not cut out for labour like that

He'd listened to Lonnie Donegan
Thought the work was fun and bantz
In truth, really, both work and colleagues
Were really thoroughly pants

[Sebastian Cobb]

Left a telephone canvassing thing for a kitchen company after the first shift because the work was horrible and the marketing techniques was basically just war dialling and scamming people.

[Chedney Honks]

I've done it. Went 'for my lunch' and got the bus home. Just thought fuck this.

[Goldentony]

we had a guy who sat in the staff room reading Mixmag every time he was there and wearing these fuck off earphones, seemed to get on with everyone as he was some sort of prick who went round asking people for exclusive jobs to give to hordes of people turning up to the weird conman agency we all worked for, they all had to be total fucking sleazebags or just nice blokes and this guy seemed like a nice boke. As an example one of those lot used to lean in and talk to you about the dinner he made or writing poetry in the 80s and had a face like a long weird shoe.

Anyway, this other guy, heres the best part of the story - he fucked off

[timebug]

I got a job once, but had to wait three weeks for it to start. In the interim, I interviewed and got,a better paying and better terms job, which I took. I contacted the first job and told them I would not be coming,and why. Message failed to get through to 'whom it may concern' and after starting the better job, I got a letter asking why I had not arrived for the first one!

[turnstyle]

Remember that I did it once actually. Was a temp job for a few weeks over the summer holidays when I was about 16.

The placement was in a warehouse picking up boxes. Apparently that's a thing, I didn't know. The pickers just chucked the boxes on the floor and I had to go round and pick em up. No worries. Seemed like everyone else there was permanent staff, and I got the impression that they'd been born, and would probably die, in this warehouse.

Did my first morning there and went to the canteen with my lunch. Was reading a book at the time, can't remember what it was now. One of the lifers there spotted me and shouted 'OI PROFESSOR, THIS IS A WAREHOUSE, NOT A FUCKING LIBRARY!', and the place went wild with laughter. I just laughed along with it - whatever, it was just a temp job.

That afternoon, everyone kept calling me professor, and putting on a posh voice. 'Excuse me professor, would you mind picking up this shit for me?'. Sometimes they'd mime wearing glasses. They'd call me over just to call me professor in front of their mates, so they could all have a laugh at their own comical genius. 'Oi professor, read any good books recently? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!'.

It was like working with twenty Keith Allens.

I went home that day knowing that I sure as fuck wouldn't be going back the next day, despite being signed up for several weeks. I ghosted the temp agency too after that - they gave up trying to contact me after a couple of days.

Shortly after this I invented the toffee apple, and today, almost every household owns one - in some cases several. You're probably eating one right now. My toffee apple empire has made me one of the richest men in Europe, and with my newfound wealth, I was able to purchase that warehouse, and set it alight, staff and all.

[Icehaven]

what about people that randomly leave without telling anyone after working somewhere for months? very odd.

I did this! Crappy call centre job I was only doing as a stop gap between graduating and starting my MA, and the agency I got it through had told me the company were trying to improve staff retention so obviously I didn't mention I was going back to uni in a few months or I wouldn't have got the job. Anyway the boss was a fucking twat and I saw how much it pissed her off when someone else left without saying anything so I did exactly same. They even paid me for a few weeks I wasn't there and never asked for it back, ha.

Also left after one morning in a cold calling job flogging either burglar alarms or double glazing, can't remember. I was about 16 and a mate from college had dragged me along, and it was only after I got there that I was told it was commission only. We had to call businesses and try and get them to book a demonstration of the product, and we only got paid for each booking we made, which needless to say virtually never happened. Never went back after lunch.

[sevendaughters]

I've done it. Went 'for my lunch' and got the bus home. Just thought fuck this.

Same - three times. Windowless mail order room where I wasn't allowed to speak. Couple of factory jobs with absolute cunts. Nah. What else have you got for me agency types? Usually something better.

[Paul Calf]

I've told the story about my first job in London - selling karate lessons door-to-door in Woolwich, where there was a solid-gold, cast-iron, mercury-fluid Gareth Cheeseman in charge of my sales squad, but I've also been on the other side of the issue. I had a job at Burger King (York Daveygate - don't bother trying to find it. It's not there any more) which was fucking dreadful in every respect. On finding a better job, I gave a week's notice as required by contract at Burger King (York Daveygate). Tracy, the store manager, was shocked to see me turning up for work the next day:

"I thought you'd left?"
"I gave a week's notice [as contractually required at Burger King (York Daveygate)]"
"Oh...well, you can work the week out if you want."

I was already gone. I realised that not only did most of the people working at Burger King (York Daveygate) not read their contracts, but that Tracy probably didn't know what they contained either.

I'll always miss the people there. Dom, the branch lothario; considered to be something of a genius because he was allowed to work the tills, bellowing "CHEESY WHOPPER IN 2 CHUTE" until I wanted to dunk his face into the chip fryer, will always be with me. I often think about tracking Dom down.

Something that makes my toes curl even now, 30 years later, is the memory of a shy young woman utterly unsuited to the hurly-burly of life among Britain's vernacular gourmands and the wizards who satisfy them approaching me and asking where we kept the bags of steam.

"Try underneath the sink," I said, "and if you can't find them ask Tracy."

A few minutes later, the sounds of bemused rage radiated from Tracy's small, shabby office and I knew that there was little point in continuing towards my goal of memorising her name.

A few days later, a mutual friend told me that she passed on her thanks for looking after her on her first day.

York is a tiny, tiny place.

[Captain Crunch]

This happened in 'The Armstrongs' didn't it?  Little hair gel sprout boy turned up, showed everyone pictures of his girlfriend in some lad mag then texted in the next day to say he'd been offered double the wages from his old job.  TV Gold. 

[Blinder Data]

'mates rates' on a threesome.

That is one bleak turn of phrase.

As a new recruit to the sales department of a small publisher years ago who didn't last very long, I feel like I'm owed at least a cut of this racket.

Not quite the same as never coming back after one shift, but there was a new guy who joined my team via an agency a few years ago who was seemingly doing everything in his power in the first few weeks to avoid passing his probation, including:

- Lying on his CV about his skills (including specific coding languages)

- Doing fuck all work, but somehow managing to find the time to set his desktop background AND Windows icon to a photo of himself (two different photos, in fact)

- Complaining that he had to sit next to a gay colleague because "He might talk about fancying a guy and I won't know what to say"

- In his first team meeting, when invited to tell us a bit about himself/talk about his weekend (or whatever the perfunctory informal introduction premise was), regaling us with a bizarre anecdote which culminated in his friend drunkenly eating a dead mouse

- Being creepily flirtatious with our manager, despite being engaged (and telling us all, unprompted, how much he spent on the proposal, which included a private helicopter, apparently)

I mean the guy had a death wish (in terms of his employment), surely.

Nice to hear that Legend Gary is doing well - and still legending like a boss!

[Petey Pate]

When I was doing temp jobs in warehouses there were usually a couple of people who would deliberately fail the initiation training and get sent home. Presumably, they preferred to claim job seeker's allowance or didn't realise what the job actually was until they got there.

There was also one guy who stormed out after an hour of packing hot pants on his first day. If he had stuck around for longer he could have got involved with cutting out stickers from reels of labels, he really missed the boat on that one.

[dissolute ocelot]

I know someone who used to do this a lot for bar work, take a job, go along for the first day, and quit if she didn't like the place. That sort of job the application process is unlikely to be too time-consuming, and it's probably easier to try it out than try and figure out beforehand if they're nice or assholes.

I've also worked at various places with a more onerous application procedure, and it's not that uncommon for people to disappear mysteriously after one or a few days. Apparently, not telling your partner you're taking a job 400 miles away is a thing, but also people getting multiple offers, problems with visas, issues with references, or just not fancied it. In fairness, it's probably less than the number of people who've applied for one thing, then on arrival been asked to do something completely different.

[Hank_Kingsley]

Did half a day at River Island, left at lunch cos I couldn't get the hang of folding t-shirts.

Did a full day induction at Sainsburys, didn't turn up for a shift cos my line manager would have been this guy I went to school with who looked (and acted) like Gareth from the office. Unlike Gareth (unless it happens in the Brent movie, haven't watched it) this lad was falsely accused of being a nonce and hounded out of his neighborhood.

[JaDanketies]

Former employer gave some kid a coding internship, he was only about 16. Went to the toilet one day and never returned.

[Dex Sawash]

We had a new guy starting on a Friday. Thursday before closing he showed up with his tool boxes on a flatbed tow truck and unloaded, was excited to get to his new job. I was off work on Friday. Monday morning he was there with the tow truck loading up again. Mechanics travel too heavily to fuck off before lunch.

[Icehaven]

In fairness, it's probably less than the number of people who've applied for one thing, then on arrival been asked to do something completely different.

That's what happened with the crappy call centre job I mentioned above. It was for now defunct cable TV company NTL and I'd been told the job was taking incoming calls, customers wanting to add or remove channels, pay their bills, tell us they're moving etc. After the 2 or 3 days of 'training' with the 20 or so other new recruits we were suddenly told some of us had been assigned to "Collections", which was basically us having to call customers that owed money and ask them for payment. We had weekly targets which were completely unrealistic, not least because pretty much everyone we called was very much of the opinion that they didn't owe us money, at all, and had no compunction in saying so. Mostly they'd cancelled their service because it was so shite, but if it was before the end of the contract they technically still owed the full amount, however understandably they disagreed. One bloke even roared something like "Pay you money?? I've been waiting so long since I cancelled for someone to come and collect your %#*&@*# equipment I've dumped it on my doorstep and it's still there, no one even wants to steal it!!"
The only tiny advantage was that it paid a little more than the original job, but so it should as it was horrible. I don't think I got within a mile of my weekly target even once.

[Buelligan]

Sorry, I don't want to share this.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Former employer gave some kid a coding internship, he was only about 16. Went to the toilet one day and never returned.

That reminds me in a past job someone got put on the on-call rota and panicked when they got called out. They weren't seen again but their wife made a brief appearance to give the company back their laptop and phone.

[Butchers Blind]

Years back I worked for a finance company setting up new accounts and given the task of training one new recruit.  He turned up half late and couldn't be less interested. Showed him round and went through the system and every 10 minutes he kept saying '"This is a bit boring innit". After about the tenth time of him saying this I lost my temper and shouted at him, "What the fuck were you expecting, fella? To be chased down the corridor Indiana Jones style by an oversized boulder? Its a finance company!" He didn't return after lunch.
In fairness though, it was dull and I left six months later.

[The Culture Bunker]

It is interesting to see other examples of people turning up for a job through an agency and them being pushed into some other role. Presumably it's the easiest way to get poor saps doing stuff like debt collection - throw enough randoms at it, and some will surely need the wage enough to stick it out (I guess this is a lot more common than it was when I was on the temp circuit, 14 years ago). And those that say "nope" and walk off, well, there's always another intake the next Monday.

[JaDanketies]

It is interesting to see other examples of people turning up for a job through an agency and them being pushed into some other role. Presumably it's the easiest way to get poor saps doing stuff like debt collection - through enough randoms at it, and some will surely need the wage enough to stick it out (I guess this is a lot more common than it was when I was on the temp circuit, 14 years ago). And those that say "nope" and walk off, well, there's always another intake the next Monday.

Yeah I had that experience as a hotel cleaner. Got recruited for a different, better-paid job, shadowed the cleaners for a week, and then was told that the old employee had decided not to leave but I could be a cleaner if I wanted. Working with the cleaners for a week demonstrated very clearly to me that they were having the absolute piss taken out of them and probably weren't even making minimum wage. Got another job shortly afterwards but I can understand how people who don't feel like they have many options end up in intractably bad situations.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It is interesting to see other examples of people turning up for a job through an agency and them being pushed into some other role. Presumably it's the easiest way to get poor saps doing stuff like debt collection - through enough randoms at it, and some will surely need the wage enough to stick it out (I guess this is a lot more common than it was when I was on the temp circuit, 14 years ago). And those that say "nope" and walk off, well, there's always another intake the next Monday.

It's not just call centres that do this either. Lots of tech firms have 'internal recruitment' where they pretty much ram people through generic tests then place them internally afterwards on the idea that projects naturally ramp up during development and wind down and only retain a few people to maintain it. This of course means if you're mis-placed or fall out with a boss it can damage your reputation and nobody will touch you and you'll eventually get pushed out via a 'bench management' policy.

Another thing I saw happen was a young graduate from Nigeria got a job but ended up being used as a business analyst instead of a 'graduate developer' and from what I can tell were doing a good job but there was some issue where their wages weren't high enough for the business analyst classification and instead of upping the wages the company left them to pack their suitcase.

[GMTV]

I lasted two days at one the main sports stores. Mid way through the first day the manager called me in and said I'd be on 50p an hour less than what I'd signed up for. I can't remember if that took me to minimum wage or below, but it would've been around £3 quid an hour. He also told me I'd be doing 3 hour late evening shifts, which would've been nigh on impossible for me as it was an out of town retail park and it would have cost me almost as much to get there and back as I'd have earnt from it. I'd originally signed up for weekend day shifts.

What did it for me was on the second day a mother and son were in, with the boy getting decked out in trackie, shoes, bag etc for going back to school. I could tell this was a major spend for the mum and felt a bit guilty in itself for seeing how much this was costing her. But the manager pulled me to the side and started berating me that I simply had to get her to sign up for the store credit card. Properly shouting in my face. So shitting myself I go over and do my best to persuade her. I could tell getting extra debt was going to be bad for her, but eventually she agreed to get the card on the basis of the initial 10% discount on the first purchase.

I still feel guilty thinking about that now. I wouldn't do too well trying to flog double glazing or something.

Years after I would see that manager around, and every time he looked utterly miserable. Have to say I felt a certain schadenfreude that his aresholery eventually came back on him.

I would occasionally think to say something to him, but shat it every time ha.

[SteveDave]

I think the shortest time I've lasted as a temp was 3 days. On day one I asked my "boss" where the toilet was and his explanation was so long-winded I felt dizzy. I went to the toilet, came back and he asked "Did you find it OK?" to which I replied "No, I just wee'd in the corridor" His face dropped in horror.

Day two he saw my jacket as I came in had some badges on it. One of which I'd found on the floor of Metro's the previous Saturday and totally forgot I'd pinned on. He leaned in to read the badge that said "From Now On We'll Fuck Things Up My Way!" Again he looked like I'd just fucked his mum.

Day three he asked if I was enjoying the job. "I don't think anyone really enjoys their job do they?" Crestfallen he replied "I enjoy my job" and just walked off.

Poor sod.

The last 3 jobs I've had I've left under a cloud. One, I was basically bullied and ostracized and left the day before my last day because, they weren't going to get me a leaving gift and even if they did, I would've hoy'd it into a bin. Then I worked in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre just as I started seeing my wife who ran a hipster pub/club and would divide up the "bouncer bounty" between the staff and myself at 4am every Sunday morning (as well as all the free drinks) so I'd be turning up wall-eyed and gurning of a Monday and of no use to anyone. Then my last job, I handed in my notice 3 days before the December pay-run was done that included the Christmas bonus. I didn't get the bonus because of some contract bollocks that said I had to be working there in January to qualify so instead on my last day on the 12th of December (although I was supposed to be working til the end of December) I paid 3 people's December bills outright which came to roughly what I would've received as a bonus.

I am a great employee and an asset to any team.

[Icehaven]

Not a personal experience but there was a bloke who was supposed to do the prison officer training, which is about 3 months and fully paid, but then never actually started the job and carried on working somewhere else. Somehow it took the prison (think it was HMP Nottingham) something like a year to notice he'd never started work and kept paying him the whole time. Bet he was gutted when they realised and the paychecks stopped.

[Gurke and Hare]

When I was a teenager a big house up the road from us was converted into a hotel, so I went along to see if they had any weekend jobs going. "Yeah, come back tomorrow and we;ll find you something to do" I was told, so I did. They pointed me at a big pile of washing up and asked me to start on it, so I asked them how much I'd be paid for it and got the reply "Well, we'll see how you do." I wasn't having this and told them so, only to be told that I shouldn't bother if I was only there for the money. "Yeah, most of your staff are here for the love of doing washing up" I didn't say to them as I left. 10 minutes maybe.

My first proper job was on a graduate trainee programme at a software house. One of the people on the programme vanished after a week, or maybe even a day - after 25 years I can't remember anything at all about them really. It later transpired that they'd got a better job offer during that first week, so just did that without telling anybody.

Has anyone ever got paid for the one day they didn't bother coming back after?

[JaDanketies]

My dad once told me he got a job working for the council, and he went into the town hall and nobody had a job or a desk for him. He spent his days walking around the building and quit soon afterwards out of boredom.

[Dayraven]

Somehow it took the prison (think it was HMP Nottingham) something like a year to notice he'd never started work and kept paying him the whole time.

Luckily their work has nothing to do with keeping track of whether people are present.

[Sebastian Cobb]

My dad once told me he got a job working for the council, and he went into the town hall and nobody had a job or a desk for him. He spent his days walking around the building and quit soon afterwards out of boredom.

Reminds me of this old b3ta qotw answer, could be bollocks, could be entirely plausible:

"Run away, before they find out you did it properly!"
Many years ago, I went to the council depot for a job on Special Collections. This involves picking up old mattresses, fridges and the like, all stuff that won't fit the bin. They gave me a labourer and a small tipper wagon. There were 30 jobs on the sheet, none more than 5 miles away.

Started at 7, knocked out the first 20, went to the tip, knocked out another 6, which took us to lunch. Finished about 2.30 and went back to the depot.

All hell broke loose. First, we'd done 3 days work in 7 hours. Second, we hadn't flogged the metal items (gas cookers, radiators etc.) to the scrap merchants. Apparently we were supposed to leave half the money under the seat for the regular driver. Third, we'd not taken 10 hours, the minimum for ANY day's work. And last, the diesel we'd used for the mileage done, was WAY below what the regulars used.

I'm supposed to be still on the union blacklist, 19 years later.