NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL CAB!

[holyzombiejesus]

Your girlfriend hates The Sarcastic Butlers

She really does. She doesn't care that you saw them live at the Harlow Square, before Bernie Grimmington joined on bass, or that you have a signed copy of their debut 'Sainsburys Meat Counter Massacre' on coloured vinyl.

She doesn't want to listen to anything by them, even if it's from their more accessible 'Paragliding Subculture' album, which got a 3/5 in the Rhyl Gazette.

She certainly doesn't want you to make a CD up of their 'hits'.

Your girlfriend hates The Sarcastic Butlers. Just like the girlfriend before her. Even the girlfriends of The Sarcastic Butlers hate The Sarcastic Butlers.

Remember when you used to sit in your room with your headphones on, listening to The Sarcastic Butlers, your fingers grubby from the latest NME, your belly full of blue Panda Pop? Oh, how you'd dream of when you were older, and could share your love of your favourite band with a special lady.

Well, she hates them. If she puts the stereo on at home, it'll be to listen to that album by The Script that Lucy from work burned for her. In the car? Radio 1, or maybe a bit of Gaga.

The Sarcastic Butlers? How the fuck did you ever manage to get a girlfriend? You bloody nerd. Nobody is impressed.

Oh, and your '93 tour t-shirt? The one you used to wear down the pub every week in the hope of pulling one of those grungy looking girls in their oversized lumberjack shirts? Cut up for dusters mate.

Dusters.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=28556.0

[All Surrogate]

I am delighted that the wanking den story lives on in legend.

And the thread still exists.

I miss Mr. Analytical. :(

[checkoutgirl]

I was just gonna mention wanking den too

Coincidentally I was just thinking of that yesterday, completely oblivious to this thread. It really is a classic amongst classics. I doubt I've ever read the word "mouldering" before or since. At least I think that was what the word was.

[checkoutgirl]

I also have to give a massive shout out to Gregory Torso getting shitfaced

I liked his one about Simon Bollocks.

his anus plopped right on to the ring finger of a homeless woman at the bus stop who was smoking a grasshoppers leg and she said "I do"

An artist beyond compare.

[checkoutgirl]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the yeast of times. It was the turds of times. Simon Bollocks, a decrepit, wretched, foetid, etchasketched binman from St Annes had just finished cumming on pictures of every Doctor Who (except for the woman one) and it was time to die alone naked with wasps shooting out of his quivering paedo member. s*****c anus quivering in dusty living ground mist AIDs he watched breakfast TV alone the fucking idiot. Septic nonce.
He rammed a Twix into his face-cunt and drank a Fray Bentos energy drink and then he walked out into the quivering Brookside morning. Simon, hostile little skeleton, bones clattering like pro-brexit dice, arseholes in his pockets, a worm, a nematode, a bruise on a child's face, a poo, an unenthusiastic woo-hoo, a toothsome bollock, ate four Lion bars and tweaked his nubbin through his boilersuit. The wind slappy-slapped his mauve face and all the birds looked at him going, "what a prick". He looked at a faded picture of his dead absolutely shit head family, and scotch eggs, and stepped out in front of a bus.
His head abandoned his body just like dad did, his arms flew up and got stuck in some cables, his legs turned into a swastika and flew into a nearby synagogue, his anus plopped right on to the ring finger of a homeless woman at the bus stop who was smoking a grasshoppers leg and she said "I do".
Poor old bollocks, poor old sperm and eggs, binman, lorryload of fuck all, smashed. Guts and lard and guts.

[purlieu]

The shitting story is ultimately beyond compare.
Whoever it was that made a thread about women issues a couple of years back and drunkenly admitted he'd just sent a picture of his shoes to her comes in close second for me.

[AllisonSays]

The woman issued thread - an abortive office romance, I think - really was fucking funny.

[paruses]

Forgotten about shoe picture. Very funny.

Machotrout's bag of dildos is off the top of my head favourite

[purlieu]

Ah, here it is. Butchers Blind with 'Am I missing something?'

[chveik]

Ah, here it is. Butchers Blind with 'Am I missing something?'

Shiiit!! Think I might phone in sick tomorrow.  Checked my phone, message sent by me to her at 23:46, "you could be having these drinks but no. x" followed by another message by me three minutes later of a picture of my foot.

Done gone fucked that right up.  Damn you booze.

[Harry Badger]

Cohaagen (I think) wrote a series of brilliant (and sadly ficticious) accounts of his time as Michael Winner's dogsbody. Thanks to whoever linked to it recently, it was fucking hilarious stuff.

[Zetetic]

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=29373.0 ?

[imitationleather]

Ah, here it is. Butchers Blind with 'Am I missing something?'

Such a poignant thread. x

[monkfromhavana]

I greatly enjoyed the thread where a CAB member moved with his wife to the States and ended up living with her quiz show loving mentalist of a grandmother. His wife went out to work all day and he was left alone with her. The only entertainment option was going for a walk where he'd get heckled by passing motorists for being a freak.

[Ambient Sheep]

However one of the best threads for me ever is the 'fucking cunt' mystery record thread, solid platinum from start to finish.

Was that mystery ever solved? I was hooked on that thread.

Yes, it was basically about Gary Newman.

There were two different threads, my original (which I can't find) and the follow-up.  It was never quite 100% definitively solved, but it does appear that it was indeed simply Gary Numan's backing band (post-Tubeway Army days) having a go at their esteemed leader.



There's some great contenders here, but my own personal favourite is the 2004 So you're going to die... thread, which starts off reasonably normally, but then by page 2 starts to mutate into something entirely different and (IMHO) rather wonderful (one post excepted).

I think it helped being one of the participants at the time; I still remember that evening with immense affection, giggling away to myself as the madness ramped up, furiously cutting and pasting the next most apt thing to keep the game going, refreshing like mad to see what my fellow posters had come up with next and laughing out loud when I read it.

It felt wonderful at the time, but I can understand why it's not one of the ones that gets regularly mentioned.

[Ambient Sheep]

I greatly enjoyed the thread where a CAB member moved with his wife to the States and ended up living with her quiz show loving mentalist of a grandmother. His wife went out to work all day and he was left alone with her. The only entertainment option was going for a walk where he'd get heckled by passing motorists for being a freak.

That was by one of the KLGs, wasn't it?  Who now has a new name on here but it's up to him to out himself.

I just tried to find the thread but couldn't on a quick search.

[studpuppet]

I revisit the Cerys's aunt/Morrissey tags often.

Yes.

[Dex Sawash]

I greatly enjoyed the thread where a CAB member moved with his wife to the States and ended up living with her quiz show loving mentalist of a grandmother. His wife went out to work all day and he was left alone with her. The only entertainment option was going for a walk where he'd get heckled by passing motorists for being a freak.

Is that the one they were marooned in some Ohio shithole waiting for return ticket day a month away?

[imitationleather]

Didn't that guy regenerate as Twed?

[Ambient Sheep]

Is that the one they were marooned in some Ohio shithole waiting for return ticket day a month away?

Not as I recall.  He was (I think) newly-married, stuck indoors somewhere in the snowy northeast as I recall, unable to go out to work as had no permit to do so, was unable to drive anywhere (can't remember if unable, or no USA licence, or simply his wife had the car), so no alternative except to do what monk mentioned above.  For months.

[EDIT: Just half-remembered the one you're talking about.  I think that was a different story, bloke went to visit his girlfriend for a month only to be dumped on day one, or something.  Can't remember who, just maybe Noodle Lizard but probably not, sorry if I'm wrong.]

Didn't that guy regenerate as...

There's always one... :-/ :-)

[monkfromhavana]

Not as I recall.  He was (I think) newly-married, stuck indoors somewhere in the snowy northeast as I recall, unable to go out to work as had no permit to do so, was unable to drive anywhere (can't remember if unable, or no USA licence, or simply his wife had the car), so no alternative except to do what monk mentioned above.  For months.

That's the one. The grandmother was always on about how cold it was but, even though she had an apartment in Florida, wouldn't consider going down there. He was right at the end of his tether.

[gib]

Ah, here it is. Butchers Blind with 'Am I missing something?'

I can't be the only one who would like an update from Butchers

[Ambient Sheep]

The grandmother was always on about how cold it was but, even though she had an apartment in Florida, wouldn't consider going down there. He was right at the end of his tether.

Yes!  Poor bloke.

[Thomas]

I look up to/at both castro and Doomy with a childlike reverence, and I similarly envy G. Torso's talent for perfectly tuned mania. Pijlstaart, too. But now I'm just wanking people off.

I vaguely and fondly recall the time Lost Oliver tantalised us by promising to explore his locked attic.

holyzombiejesus once wrote an account of a haunting in one of our recurrent spooky threads. It's up there with the best of the ghostly reports I've read on the internet, its details still illuminated in my memory by the mournful green glow of the fire exit sign he mentions.

[Dex Sawash]

[EDIT: Just half-remembered the one you're talking about.  I think that was a different story, bloke went to visit his girlfriend for a month only to be dumped on day one, or something.  Can't remember who, just maybe Noodle Lizard but probably not, sorry if I'm wrong.]

That's my one

[flotemysost]

Machotrout's bag of dildos is off the top of my head favourite

Yes! Was thinking about this one earlier, as it happens.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,73498.0.html

[paruses]

Yes! Was thinking about this one earlier, as it happens.

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,73498.0.html

Completely forgotten it has the Ronalado teledildonics post in it too.

[Old Thrashbarg]

I want to post something by John Self, but I'm not sure what. Every post is worth reading.

For now, I'll go with his contribution to the Times when you suddenly become very self aware thread. The whole opening run of posts is brilliant anyway (and the following is better for being read in the context of those posts), but it's topped off wonderfully with:

I can only really remember one instance of strange self-awareness. As with other posters on this thread, alcohol had been involved. I hadn't actually drank, but man had I been looking at it. I was in quite a strange mood really- frustrated. Like Small Man Big Horse, I was in a horrible state of immobility, and I really needed some release. I thought a little bit of casual sex might do the trick- and preferably some where the other party didn't get to find out about it.

So anyway, there I was, just a lonely bedroom wall with a head full of ideas and a heart full of yearning, just standing around constituting part of a house, when what should I see but a big fat hairy naked man with a busted leg approach me, and start to cavort erotically in front of me. My prayers had been met! I couldn't wait to secretly sodomize him with my wall-based willy. Of course, my sudden Self-awareness initially made it quite difficult for me to achieve the necessary erection, but as soon as I realised that Hencole and ETT were watching me and SetToStun was cheering me on by weeing on them, I'd got some wood and slipped it right up that toe-touching cripple quick as you like, 26 years old I was, aaaaahhhh, etc

Only a short post for him, but one that's stuck in my memory for 14 years.

[non capisco]

The John Self one I often still think about was where he said every time he saw a policeman he wanted to knock their hat off and run away giggling "Hee hee hee, can't catch me, copper!"

**SOME MORE PERSONAL FAVOURITES I'VE JUST REMEMBERED**
The origin of Morrison Lard's username
icehaven calmly executing an april fool's joke telling her partner their landlord had asked them to look after a load of animals, with the list of animals slowly ramping up from acceptable to ludicrous
Cohaagen trying to work out what a strange object in his mothers' kitchen was, with photos
castro diaz's overview of the two Michael Caine 'Not A Lot Of People Know That!' trivia books
Mr. Farenheit's fucked up pictorial Bullseye saga
Jockice hearing 'A Different Corner' by George Michael on a clock radio in the middle of the night and being inexplicably frozen with terror
Years before the infamous Satan House, alan nagsworth's harrowing tale of the festival from hell, Ponce In The Park
Any of the many threads about serial bullshitters and/or the stupid lies kids tell, all full of gold. ("He told me he was going to be in the next Shrek film, as the donkey's cousin.")

[Ferris]

Ctrl+F "ferris"

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Right FUCK this.