"Your electrical tape is hairy!"

[Cerys]

... a quote from SweetRosalyn, just a few minutes ago, having discovered our roll of insulation tape, which had picked up not a few tufts of cat hair (it was cat hair, okay?  That's my story and I'm sticking to it).  This prompted this thread, in which to put things said - possibly by your friends - which are just plain silly out of context.  Or even in context.  Who can say?

Another just a few moments ago -

Define 'cock'.

And yes, when it comes down to it this is another 'things' thread.  Live with it.

[9]

When I was a student we used to keep 'Boards' (big sheets of paper stuck to the living room wall)  to keep track of funny things people said and as a creative outlet. Some of them were very pretty. In the spirit of boredom and self indulgence here are a few choice quotes which won't mean much to anyone but which bring nostalgic tears of joy to my eyes:

"Who's the second blackest guy you've ever met?"

"It's not porn. It's a form of dance."

"Yeah, but once you've seen stalactites everything else just seems shit..."

"My testicles are, y'know, in their own zone..."

"I was relieved because she wasn't a monster..."

"I fell down the stairs in the sex museum."

"I have the keys to the gates of paradise. But I've got too many legs."

"I'm taking a journey into the flamboyantly erotic world of the Ostrich."

"Everything I see just keeps reminding me of Pig-Fucking."

"Knackered? Or just Shite?"

[Suttonpubcrawl]

I said a classic one of these once:
"She gave it to me in the gay ear!"

[Pepotamo1985]

"You taste of gay."

"Do you like the postal service?"

[Bernard]

"That's a fuckin' fast copper!"
"He's in a car, Adam."
[Playing Driver on the Playstation]

[mook]

"It's gone all puuurrrple!"

"Gah, fuck it stick a gin in it."

"STOP PAYING ME! I've still got money left from last week for fucksakes!."

"Animal farm? What, the cartoon version?"

"You could've built a fucking spitfire with all his empties."

"You love them pan faced sluts don'tcha?"

"Eww, pokeing the babies head!"

"Eddie, if you tell that fucking chicken story again, I'll...."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

"That's not drugs! That's just a plain old boiling pan of water....<thinks>.....but if we add..DRUGS!"

[Paul Dee]

Oddly enough, I have a list of these all taken from MSN messenger. The idea was that my friends and I would write some songs using these sentences as titles but so far we've only done 'I've Never Embraced A Washing Machine, However'. I've edited out all the crappy ones:


•   It's Probably The Species Divide
•   Please Don't Tell Me (About Your Horsey Escapades)
•   Were You At Home Alone (When You Got Drunk On Your Own)?
•   There's A Lot Wrong With The Adjectival Endings There
•   I Am Not Hitler, You Demented Git
•   The Life And Times Of Cheese And Chive (You Never Thought It Would End This Way)
•   The Lament Of Mummy Cheese
•   The Sorrow Of Daddy Chive
•   I'm Sure I Have Internet Tourette's
•   Do You Mind If I Call You Jike?
•   Although It Can Sometimes Resemble A Penis Disaster (Part One)
•   (Part Two) I Will Focus On That For The Duration Of My Dinner. Thanks
•   That's Probably How You Get Into Heaven
•   I'll Take Her Out For Expensive Thai Food, Give Her A Good Sex, And That's It
•   I Have Finally Closed The Window With The Dinosaur Photo In It
•   The One Second On The Left Looks A Bit Androgynous
•   I Have Opened It Back Up Now To See The Androgynous One
•   We All Ovulate, Even Paul
•   What The Fuck Was He Doing Playing His Drums Where There Was An Earthquake?
•   I Quite Often Got Pet Groomer Or Train Conductor
•   Maybe It Was An Intense Western
•   It Might Have Somehow Triggered Speaker Flashbacks
•   Her Face Looks Like A Saucepan
•   I Mean, Obviously I'll Let Dyslexic People Off
•   They Peak At The Chorus Line
•   I Haven't Heard His Music, I Just Like His Robot
•   I Think I Might Cut Arm And Leg Holes In A Sleeping Bag And Zip Myself Up In It
•   You Can Call Me Tiffany If You Want To
•   There Must Be Many A Lake-Themed Song
•   It's More Wool Than Woolly
•   I've Never Embraced A Washing Machine, However
•   I Don't Like Hot Chocolate That Tastes Faintly Of Cheese
•   I Bash At It With My Chin
•   Little Man Mushes Food With His Forehead
•   Imagine The Baby As A Snowball
•   Cook Your Hilarious Food, You Hilarious Chef
•   Get Away, You Fiendish Face
•   I Left My Orthopaedic Pillow In Steventon
•   It Will Involve Egg Boxes, Toilet Rolls and PVA Glue
•   Don't Forget The Sticky-Back Plastic
•   I Wondered If It Was Wrong To Think That A Bearded Man In A Cardigan Was Cute
•   It's Always Interesting To Speak To Someone As Sillily Analytical As Me
•   Oh, Romain, Why Are You Sending Me Pictures Of Truffles?
•   I Wonder If You Have Paracricket
•   I'm Not Sure I Can Eat This Sweet; It Looks Too Much Like A Nipple
•   You Can Tell I Love You By The Way I Buy You Sardines
•   Blame The Biscuits
•   Quite Often, I Get Tempted To Delete System 32 On My Computer, Just Because It's So Important
•   Get Away From My Poor Hoimnets
•   Do You Remember That Time I Peed In A Cup In My Kitchen?
•   I Feel That Service Stations Patronise Me
•   I Mean, If It Was Hulk Hogan, You Couldn't Resist
•   I Bet Hulk Hogan Is As Weak As Witches' Piss Now, Though
   Harold Is A Steam Roller
•   A Bowl Is Not An Egg
•   Sadly, I Don't Think You Can Get Much Drama Out Of Nine Squares
•   Oh God, I Just Matched Myself Up With Thor
•   God Is A Conga Of Gay Men
•   I'd Never Stick A Twanger Up My Rear End (And If I Did, Sonny, It Wouldn't Be Yours)
•   It Has Got To The Stage Where We Discuss Whether Prawns Have Breasts
•   Because Turtles' Bottoms And Humans' Bottoms Are Different
•   How Do You Sex A Goose?
•   The Word 'Gospel' Reminds Me Of Potato Salad
•   So Ferrets Are The Urban Weasels?
•   Anyone Can Kill A Fruit
•   Put Beefburgers In His Strap-On Arms
•   Being Eaten By A Standard Fox Is Still Tragic
•   She Just Eats Her Way Through Pharmacies
•   Imagine Rushing Home From Work To Update your Celebrity Spank Site
•   Oh Dear, Gone Into Kipper Territory
•   I Thought It Was The Apocalypse, But It Was Just A Mince Pie
•   Who'd Have Thought An Innocent Grape Could Become Such A Monster?
•   He May Be Your Boyfriend, But No One Has The Right To Rummage
•   That's Someone's Marriage Website You've Just Defaced!
•   Don't Put Your Head In The Bra
•   That's Like Having An Ann Summers Party At An OAP Scrabble Convention
•   You Can't Pleasure Yourself In The Lecture Theatre
•   I'm Going To Tend To My Shank
•   I'm Not Poking – I'm Merely Being Generous
•   Don't Bend Him Over, You'll Hurt His Beans
•   I Wasn't Close Enough To Scan For A Dying Messiah


That's a lot of odd conversations.

[Ken Oath]

My mate (after being given an in-depth description of a homosexual sex act):
"But... doesn't it smell of poo?"

[mothman]

Some of these would make rather good Culture ship names (in Iain M Banks' books). . .

[Santa's Boyfriend]

My housemate asked me yesterday:

"So who's your favourite terrorist group?"

[Neville Chamberlain]

Well, what is it then?

[Hobo]

My housemate asked me yesterday:

"So who's your favourite terrorist group?"

Spice Girls?

[Ken Oath]

My housemate asked me yesterday:

"So who's your favourite terrorist group?"

It's gotta be (New Zealand band) Shihad, hasn't it? Had to change their name to Pacifier, 'cos Shihad sounded too much like 'Jihad'.

[Pretty.Polly]

After a heavy night of drinking my friend came out with this heart felt statement...

'I hate those grey squiggles...they're f**king immigrants, you know!  I only like the red Squiggles'

Then fell back asleep, bless her little scally head!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's amazing how aggravated people get about grey squirrels. If there was some kind of mutant rat from America that was destroying all our rats, we wouldn't really be feeling much sympathy for them, would we? Just because red squirrels are a bit cuter and have nicer ears we all love them.

Welcome to the forum, anyway. (Don't forget to add to the 'Hi I'm New' thread!)

[Annie_Hall]

ahhhhh but you see those 'Squiggles' are a different story, I totally get her point.  Squirrels I can live with, but those Squiggles are just bastards!

[Pretty.Polly]

Thanks for the welcome... The whole thing was just so random, there was no prompt, it was just something she felt we all HAD to know...I for one felt uplifted, and a little closer to knowing her!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Who knows, one day she might change the words 'grey' and 'red' to 'black' and 'white', and the word 'squiggles' into 'people'. Then there'll be trouble.

[Pretty.Polly]

her crazy talk is politically charged...I'll make a few calls...have her wacked!  Problem solved.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The only good friend is a dead friend. ;)

[Pretty.Polly]

Ok, but let's keep this under our hats shall we...*looks around frantically*

I don't want you involved...I've already said to much.


Damn Squiggles have done it again!  I lose more friends this way

[Annie_Hall]

I have just received a txt, and I quote...

'What's the best way to eat a banana?  I mean the BEST way?  I'm trying to settle a bet.'

I know some unfortunate people.

[The Boston Crab]

Lengthways, everyone knows that.

[Annie_Hall]

Noted, I've txt him that answer, and demanded a percentage of the winnings!

[TotalNightmare]

Lengthways, everyone knows that.

Yes

that is the answer of...

Now, whats the best way to eat a passion fruit or, if you like, pomegranit?

(i cant spell pomegranit)

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Add an 'e' on the end, and you're there.

[Annie_Hall]

I always find a cocktail stick helps with the old Pomigranite...but it's hardly worth the effort really, it's a very selfish fruit!

[Jemble Fred]

Pomegranate.

[TotalNightmare]

Can you use it in a sentence please?

ooh, spelling bees are fun.

Ok.. i use a pin for a Phommagraitt and as for the passion fruit... well... i do what sid james told me once in a caravan