Twats Day April 1st

[Butchers Blind]

What type of hilarity are you expecting tomorrow?
Covid proven to cure baldness?

[Buelligan]

Lots of fish mostly.

[thecuriousorange]

Institutional racism has ended.

[Cuellar]

Covid actually doesn't exist, someone just read some charts wrong. All restrictions immediately lifted, sorry about that, get stuck in.

Hopefully said by Boris at an official No 10 press conference.

[bgmnts]

Earth is actually flat.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Could you fetch in the tartan paint from the garage? Cheers.

[idunnosomename]

April Fools Day cancelled forever

[BlodwynPig]

STARMER STAYS

Britain is not a racist country.

Black Lives Matter.

[dissolute ocelot]

Someone's invented vegan black pudding or cheese or haggis or ribs or something.

[turnstyle]

RSPCA posts on Twitter saying actually, chocolate ISN'T poisonous to dogs.

People up and down Britain rejoice and cram their pooches with mars bars and caramacs.

RSPCA tweets out later 'lol, April fools, chocolate really fucks dogs up, don't feed it to them'.

For the next few weeks the smell of a hundred thousand dead dogs permeates the entirety of the British Isles.

[DrGreggles]

I'm quite drunk, so I'll prepare a hilarious prank tonight for me to fall for tomorrow morning.
Then I'll call me a cunt.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Paper copies of the Census must now be mailed to PO BOX LEGEND GARY

[Icehaven]

I'm going to put a massive bear chained to a post in my neighbour's back garden. They'll definitely get it.

[BlodwynPig]

Popcorn

[thecuriousorange]

The Hitlers are very much not a racist family.

[shiftwork2]

Volkswagen apparently became 'Voltswagen' as part of a press release today disguised as a leaked April fool.

It's just old hat and seems a bit limp since Dave Lee Travis died, the king of April fools japery.  The Guardian will likely produce something bland and rubbish.

[Mobius]

My workplace recently did a merger with another big employer

today my boss sent an email to say the merger has been cancelled

Big LOLS all around, classic bantz.

[shiftwork2]

That's really funny as mergers are generally known as a rip roaring barrel of laughs regarding roles and security of employment.

[Mobius]

That's really funny as mergers are generally known as a rip roaring barrel of laughs regarding roles and security of employment.

We've been told some of us will be losing our jobs and any bonuses are delayed, which is very very funny.

[shiftwork2]

We've been told some of us will be losing our jobs and any bonuses are delayed, which is very very funny.

[Wonderful Butternut]

I'm just going to tell some lies and pretend they're funny.

"There's an elephant outside. Lol April Fool."
"Boris Johnson died. Lol April Fool."
"Elon Musk is donating all his money to charity. Lol April Fool."
"I have HIV. Lole, April Foo-el."
"Ur daughter was in a car crash. lul Aprl Fewl."
"Ali3ns hav landed on 34rth. lp'iol;ks, ngSKL:nh[a'nkl gS>?A D?,sa pw Apirlm Foooooooool."


And so forth.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Could you fetch in the tartan paint from the garage? Cheers.

A teacher once sent me to get some tartan paint, and it wasn't even April fools day!!

First of all, the teacher sent me off to "the office" (as it was called, where the head teacher and some others in charge of stationery could be found, I guess) to ask to borrow a pritt stick.  So I went and asked and they searched through drawers and cupboards and couldn't find one, and told me to tell the teacher "We haven't got a pritt stick but we have tippex, will that do?" Even I, at 10 years old, knew that they weren't the same, but went back and passed on the message.  You could tell the reply pissed off the teacher, as she also knew that they weren't the same, so she grinned and asked me to go and ask for some tartan paint.  I knew that such a thing didn't exist, but went away anyway to ask, because doing that was more fun than doing whatever we were supposed to be doing in the lesson.  So I asked, and the two women there tossed around a few ideas before telling me to tell the teacher "Sorry, we only have spotted or striped."  I went back and told the teacher, and the answer seemed to satisfy her and I was permitted to sit down and continue with whatever we'd been doing in the lesson.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I think striped paint is technically feasible. You can get stripey toothpaste.

[steve98]

I'm going to put a massive bear chained to a post in my neighbour's back garden. They'll definitely get it.

Get what? In what sense have you fooled them? If they shit themselves at the sight of a giant bear in their garden, when, in fact, there IS a giant bear in their garden, then that's just a normal reaction, isn't it?........ yeah?

[Butchers Blind]

Get what? In what sense have you fooled them? If they shit themselves at the sight of a giant bear in their garden, when, in fact, there IS a giant bear in their garden, then that's just a normal reaction, isn't it?........ yeah?

Unbeknown to them maybe the chain is made of pasta giving a false sense of security. The bear easily then escapes its shackles and mauls them to death. April Fool.

[Icehaven]

Get what? In what sense have you fooled them? If they shit themselves at the sight of a giant bear in their garden, when, in fact, there IS a giant bear in their garden, then that's just a normal reaction, isn't it?........ yeah?

I meant get it as in killed by the bear, but it works both ways.

[BlodwynPig]

Reports coming in...

GONE

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Can anyone post a  link to this year's April Fool's story in The Guardian? I can't be arsed looking for it meself.

[Attila]

Can anyone post a  link to this year's April Fool's story in The Guardian? I can't be arsed looking for it meself.

Surely it's this one, about building canals between the Red Sea and the Nile?

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/apr/01/suez-2-ever-given-grounding-prompts-plan-for-canal-along-egypt-israel-border

The 'We built the pyramids, didn't we?' bants line kind of gives it away.

I could be totally wrong -- I keep hoping a lot of the stuff in the news since about 2016 has been a long-game April Fool's joke.

[checkoutgirl]

Someone's invented vegan black pudding or cheese or haggis or ribs or something.

All very believable and probably true.