Author Topic: Mates who talk bollocks.  (Read 7111 times)

Tony Tony Tony

  • This Tea Is Nothing More Than Hot Leaf Juice!
Mates who talk bollocks.
« on: April 01, 2021, 08:19:49 PM »
Years ago I had a mate who would often make the most outrageous but unverifiable claims. One that sticks in the memory was that whenever we passed a certain traffic roundabout (near westhoughton fact fans) he would always say it was known to be the largest one in the country. In the days before the dawn of the argument settling internet a claim such as this had to be taken at face value as he would say he read it somewhere but couldn’t remember exactly where. Even then I thought he was talking total bollocks, and it turns out he was. https://adventure.howstuffworks.com/destinations/road-trips/swindon-magic-roundabout-7-circles.htm 

So we all know the type. You lot know any?

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2021, 08:30:33 PM »
I knew a lad who once arrived late for something and claimed that he'd been held up because a lorry had turned over outside his flat.

Apparently when the police arrived, a load of chemicals that had spilled out of the truck and dissolved a copper leaving only a policeman's helmet floating in some chemicals.

Chedney Honks

  • When life gives u no hair, ball spin
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2021, 08:34:41 PM »
Hahaha

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2021, 08:39:31 PM »
I knew someone who claimed he'd collected so many discarded earrings off the pavement he was able to smelt a gold ingot in his shed, but he couldn't show anyone because it was illegal to operate as a mint.

non capisco

  • Automatic writing by phantom limb
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2021, 08:58:02 PM »
I knew a lad who once arrived late for something and claimed that he'd been held up because a lorry had turned over outside his flat.

Apparently when the police arrived, a load of chemicals that had spilled out of the truck and dissolved a copper leaving only a policeman's helmet floating in some chemicals.

Hahaha! I always love these type of threads and this one is GOLD already!

kalowski

  • Maclunkey
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2021, 09:17:16 PM »
I remember a lad at school. Said he had a CB radio on his bike, called a "Moonraker CB". Said he had a solid gold BMX. Said his brother swam the Atlantic.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2021, 09:21:54 PM »
Bloke who I used to live with who was a bit older than me was a bit of a rural hardman back in the day (another mate around the same age said his name was 'known') used to over-egg his madman credentials escalating to things like car ringing and delivering bags of stuff on motorbikes that he 'wasn't allowed' to check the contents of. He used to hint he'd made a deal with the gangsters of his hometown in that he was allowed to leave if he didn't come back. One time he tried to make out he was still being watched, and I probably was too, they'd have read my numberplate and probably checked out my parents place too, but not to worry as they'd have concluded I'm just some office wetty who isn't a threat.

Think he may have watched Dead Man's Shoes a bit too often or something.

Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2021, 09:29:37 PM »
One lad at school claimed he had been in a plane crash in Florida in the school holidays. Even did the "what we did in the holidays" shit in front of the class. A plane crash. Like a full blown plane crash into the sea. Dickhead.

Tony Tony Tony

  • This Tea Is Nothing More Than Hot Leaf Juice!
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2021, 09:30:34 PM »
Just recalled another mate who claimed his grandad invented the electric toothbrush but forgot to patent it. That was total bollocks because he had teeth like a row of tombstones.

Fry

  • BIG UNIT
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2021, 09:32:54 PM »
Back in school we were in English class, talking about those stupid urban dictionary sex definitions that teenage boys find so funny. When we were discussing the danger wank this boy we were sitting with claimed to love secretly wanking so much that he once wanked into a flannel under the table while eating dinner with his family. I don't know why he thought that would impress us.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2021, 10:01:35 PM »
I had a fling with a bloke who claimed he knew the endings to all the Harry Potter books (JKR was 3 books in), that he was psychic and a vampire, and that he'd met loads of musicians. He was in a care home, I know that part was genuine cos I phoned them up a couple of times.

Thomas

  • please describe an encounter with a squirrel
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2021, 10:03:36 PM »
My brother had a schoolfriend who claimed to be a) Tony Blair's nephew and b) a robot. Said he fell off the Empire State Building shortly after he was born/assembled.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2021, 11:35:17 PM »
There was a kid at school who reckoned his uncle worked on the Big Breakfast. He might have gotten away with it as it’s not so outlandish, except he embellished it with “and he takes naked Polaroids of Gabby Roslin and Paula Yates and lets me have them”.

Can we see them? “No, I threw them away.”

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2021, 11:41:04 PM »
Crash Bandicoot on the Saturn mate

PaulTMA

  • nu avatar and personal text evry coupla weeks
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2021, 11:52:03 PM »
The guy who played Barney in Control told me that he went to school with a compulsive liar who was one of those pupils who'd be mysteriously absent for considerable lengths of time, offering up excuses such as having her skin replaced with latex after being in a housefire, and having to go to hospital to have her tonsils put back in

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2021, 12:17:35 AM »
The kid with the older brother so knows all the swear words and rude stuff and who was probably directly responsible for a lot of children learning the word 'cunt' claimed there was an even worse swear word he'd heard but it was so bad he couldn't repeat it, it began with the letter 'g'.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2021, 01:00:45 AM »
32 speed bike, it's in my uncle's attic

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2021, 01:11:01 AM »
Definitely knew kids who were privy to the secret swears. That is why their brother was always grounded. Crossover demographic with kids who jumped over the flagpole to get to the secret level in Mario or who explored the mountains in Moon Patrol.

touchingcloth

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2021, 01:29:14 AM »
James.

James grew up in Exeter and once claimed that he asked a friend of his if he could buy some weed off him, but was told “I don’t have any on me now, but I’m due a shipment in tonight and if you pick it up for me you can have some”.

James said this shipment was arriving at the local beach “because Exeter is near the sea”, and that when he arrived there he was given “a few bin liners full of weed”.

James said that in the drive back with his cargo of weed, on a dark stretch of dual carriageway he saw that there was a police car a few hundred yard behind him, so he “did a handbrake turn so that he could get a proper look at them”, before turning his car back to face the right way and gunning it.

James said that he left the dual carriage way onto a country road and “turned off my headlights and pulled into a field and the police just drove right past me”.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2021, 01:41:29 AM »
Someone told me they got pulled over when they had a load of weed on them so thinking on their feet they shit themselves to cover up the smell.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2021, 03:45:42 AM »
Hello, Ken

I went out with a mongol sister's lesbian friend
I was on Crackerjack at the age of 10
And I saw the Sex Pistols play at the 100 Club
And I spent New Year's Eve at Sensible's den

Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales in the life of Ken McKenzie

I lost a £1,000 playing brag last night
I flew to Amsterdam to start a riot
And I once saw the Palace score 4 goals away from home
And I've won every game of Trivial Pursuit I've ever played

Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales in the life of Ken McKenzie

I once ate 6 mars bar in half an hour, oh did you Ken?
And whilst working on a site I unearthed a bomb, oh did you Ken?
And I once had a shower with two American girls at the same time Ken?
Naw that's preposterous

Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales, now then, now then
Preposterous tales in the life of Ken McKenzie

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2021, 05:25:50 AM »
more stories about dissolving coppers pls

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2021, 06:30:16 AM »
My friend jammed two disks at once into his Amiga. He was able to play Kick Off with Robocop on his team who could shoot other players.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2021, 06:36:52 AM »
have her tonsils put back in

INTERESTING TONSIL FACT

Tonsils can partially regenerate if the surgeon doesn't remove all the tonsil tissue. The reason I know this is cos a guy at school's cousin had his tonsils out (in Corfu), and after the operation the surgeon warned him not to eat uncooked starfish legs (Only thoroughly cooked ones.) But he, being young (7-ish) and stupid, didn't listen... Anyway, cut a long story short, he ate raw starfish leg and ended up with little legs where his tonsils had been - Living, wriggling starfish legs [Apparently the science is that the regenerative nature of the tonsils (which the Greek surgeon had not completely removed) and the starfish legs meant it was in their mutual best interests to, as it were, team-up].

Surgeons have decided it would be too dangerous to remove the legs so he's stuck with them, for life.


Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2021, 07:33:41 AM »
I was mates at school with a kid called Clifford, he told some crackers. Like, his dad had an Audi 100 that was so rare so rare that he had to drive it to the Audi factory in Germany every year for a service because normal Audi garages didn't have the equipment to service its very rare kind of engine. Furthermore, when he arrived at the Audi factory all the workers would come out and stare at the car in wonder. When I went round his house there was a normal looking Audi 100 outside which was "on loan" because his dad's very rare one "had to go back to the factory for some special work" & he was going to pick it up the following week.

His sister had a Lancia Beta which had a special kind of lock on the door that if someone tried to open it with the wrong key (in order to steal it) the Lancia door lock would automatically snap the key off in the lock to stop the theft. He didn't have an answer to my question "if that happened, how would your sister unlock it with a broken key stuck in the lock?"

I lost contact with him for a while, but met up with him some years later, when he was a heavy metal fan. He told me the story of how he was recently at the front at an Iron Maiden concert and when Steve Harris strode to the front of the stage to stick his foot on the monitor in his trademark style, Clifford reached up and gently cupped Steve Harris' balls. The crowd all cheered and Steve Harris didn't notice.

There was Bullshit Bob at work who tried to pass off a "David Beckham payed my mate to have Alton Towers for the whole weekend on him" story as one that actually happened to his lottery winner mate in his village. I knew it was bollocks because the previous week the PopBitch mailout had a story about how many variants of the "David Beckham paid for a friend of a friend's wedding in Hawaii because he wanted their wedding reception venue in Croydon for a family party on the same day" stories were floating around the internet. 

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2021, 07:51:02 AM »
My friend jammed two disks at once into his Amiga. He was able to play Kick Off with Robocop on his team who could shoot other players.

I’ve heard stuff similar to that, normally involving the quick swapping of a cartridge or disk, rather than trying to jam two pieces of media into one slot. There was this one kid, Martin, who reckoned that by yanking out Mortal Kombat II and quickly putting in Street Fighter II Special Championship Edition on the character select screen, you could play as the full Street Fighter cast and they all had their own fatalities. A few of us bundled around to his house after school to have a look as this marvel and it turns out he didn’t even have a Mega-Drive. “My brother’s mate must have nicked it.”

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2021, 07:57:06 AM »
Sister-in-law after I'd bought Mrs Sheds some Doc Martens boots: "How much did you pay for them? Did you pay full price? I know someone who works at the DM factory in Leicester and can get them half price in the company shop."

A week later I ask if she can get her friend to sort me out some DM shoes: "Oh, they don't work there any more."

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2021, 08:14:01 AM »
Crash Bandicoot on the Saturn mate
Maybe getting confused with Bleemcast, which let you play PS1 games on the Sega Dreamcast.  Although imagine being the kid who said 'My Uncle has a Nintendo Playstation' and getting laughed out of the playground.

touchingcloth

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2021, 08:21:48 AM »
The kid with the older brother so knows all the swear words and rude stuff and who was probably directly responsible for a lot of children learning the word 'cunt' claimed there was an even worse swear word he'd heard but it was so bad he couldn't repeat it, it began with the letter 'g'.

When my nephew was ten he came up to me and proudly announced that he knew “all the swears”, and when I said go on then, tell me them, he counted up on his fingers: shit, crap, bastard, twat, and, erm, I think it’s “wanker”?

I asked if he knew the c-word, and he said no but leaned in eagerly when I said that I’d tell him as long as he promised - PROMISED - never to say it in front of his parents.

After I told him he shot off into the room where his parents were, and a few seconds later I heard great peels of later. He had gone in and told his parents to their horror that he now knew the c-word, before dancing round the singing it over and over again. The word I had told him was “crumbs”, and with his ridiculous blonde mop he must have looked like Just William.

icehaven

  • WORLD'S BIGGEST RIP OFF: $100 PER PERSON
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2021, 09:17:51 AM »
I think all mates talk bollocks when you tell them you're moving house, as they fall over themselves to offer to help then when you actually ask them to they're suddenly busy that entire week.

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