Mates who talk bollocks.

[The Ombudsman]

When I was at secondary school, the boy who had told everyone he'd lost his virginity at 12 also told me his dad had a full colour photo copier at home.

[Sebastian Cobb]

When I was at secondary school, the boy who had told everyone he'd lost his virginity at 12 also told me his dad had a full colour photo copier at home.

A schoolmate tried telling me that that you could make a monochrome photocopier do colour simply by the one weird trick of shining a torch at  the paper while the machine scanned it.

[Mr Farenheit]

It was 20 years before the existence of this incredible cultural artefact was made known to me.

Never knew about this before, that is quite something!

[Alberon]

Still better than the sequel trilogy.

[Replies From View]

Nobody here confessing to be the kid who talked bollocks at school?


I was one of them.  Used to come out with all kinds of long burners about time travel, like I'd run out from behind a hedge one afternoon and describe something that had 'just happened' in the playground, and a few months later I'd do that thing and run behind the hedge.

One time I came into school with some canderel sweetener tablets I'd nicked from home.  My first name begins with G so I claimed the C was an attempt to write a G, but the tablet always broke in half whenever I did the last bit of a G so I'd settled on leaving it as a C.  And I was like 'Ooohhh no I can't let you eat any of these tablets I have made.  Last kid who tried them ended up turning green and growing horns on his head'.


Fuck knows what I thought I was doing when I did these things.  I wish I could say I was knowingly playing some kind of elusive prank, but actually in my mind I was coming across as mysterious and enigmatic and everyone thought I was telling the truth.  I used to claim I had magical powers and all kinds of shit, right up until the end of primary school, but even during secondary school the time travel stuff was still going on.  Quantum Leap was on telly at the time so I'd routinely pretend that Sam Beckett had leapt into my body, and walk around perplexed and spend half a day trying to work out who I was and what my mission was.  Sometimes I'd look at my reflection for ages, touching my face, exactly like Sam Beckett would do.  Or I'd talk to thin air for protracted lengths of time, because that's what Sam Beckett did from the perspective of bystanders from a distance.

I must be on the autistic spectrum, to say the least.

[touchingcloth]

Legend Ganderel.

[Replies From View]

And at secondary school I claimed that I had stood facing one of the tall chain fences we had separating one of the sports zones from the others, closed my eyes, taken a step forwards, opened my eyes and lo and behold the fence was now behind me because I must have magically stepped through it.

No idea why I thought anyone would believe this or think it was good, when by this point I would have been 14.  I must have just thought fuck it, I'm never going to be friends with these twats so who cares.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

When those novelty "ghost in a tin" Ghostbusters promo cans were a Happy Meal toy, my friend insisted that everyone should open theirs (insanity because they were an instant collectable at the time) because there was a real ghost in them.

He insisted that everyones whose didn't release a ghost was either fake or they just opened it up like a [slur for person with learning difficulties]. He explained at length the gas/light mechanicism in the real version of the can that made a little green ghost fly out and around the top like a green candle flame.

The really implausible part of this story was him saying that you had to put the ghost back in afterwards and his parents were mad at him because he let it out. He invited us to come to his house to watch his parents hunt for the ghost, which resulted in us (or just me I can't remember) sitting on the stairs peeking out through the bannister under some coats at his parents doing mundane shit in the kitchen while he explained they were looking for a ghost.  His dad worked out it had something to do with "that bloody can" eventually

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Nobody here confessing to be the kid who talked bollocks at school?

I told my nintendo obsessed friends that I saw the American version of Super Mario 3 on a playchoice cabinet in Tenby and I drew everyone a picture of the new mario game which was stage play where a leaf fell on his head and he grew wings (how the fuck was I supposed to know what a tanooki was)

hilarious made up bollocks to everyone but me, including the teacher having a chuckle

[Jumblegraws]

In primary three, I told a girl in my class I had received a gold Blue Peter badge for saving my little sister from drowning. She seemed to believe me, even though it had been her who had explained to me the concept of a gold Blue Peter badge a few months prior. Tbh she more than likely knew it was horseshit and was politely humouring me.

The same year I also randomly said to my friend one afternoon "oh, I just remembered why I'm so excited, me and [older sister] are on Terror Towers tonight!" Again, he seemed to believe me, but the subject was never raised thereafter.

[Replies From View]

There was a Johnny Ball Think of a Number stage thing that some of us in our primary school went to.  It was the best thing ever, and some of the kids were called up on stage, most from other schools but about two from our school.


When my mum picked me up I was boasting to her that I had been one of the ones randomly selected to be on stage, and saying it had been really fun.  I was within about ten feet of one of the teachers who was aware I was lying; she immediately looked at me in a way to show she knew it, and then later, in the car home my mum wasn't excited that I had been on stage or anything.  It was like she somehow knew as well.

[Replies From View]

- He had never farted. In the split second before everyone laughed at him, he really seemed to think this was a credible claim.

You've just reminded me of another one I maintained in the playground for a day or so when I was 7.  I boasted to some of the children that I hadn't farted for a whole year, but I could throw my voice, as if the latter related to the former in any manner or in any way altered it. 

I just remember a group of kids a couple of years younger than me hovering around near my arse saying "it sounds just like a real fart" while I claimed I was projecting it from my mouth.  Anyone who showed scepticism, well I would remind them what I said at the start, which is that I hadn't farted for a year.  Somehow the combination of being slightly older and backing up the second lie with an earlier one meant that this reminder came as a nugget of grey haired wisdom.  Ah yes, of course - you said that earlier which means you must be doing it with your mouth.

The next Monday one of the younger kids revealed he had spent most of the weekend discussing it with his dad; he branded me a liar and declared that I was "just doing standard farting that whole day" (his exact words, which I imagined were his dad's first).


So yeah, that was good.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I think if I was that kid's dad I'd have to weigh up whether I set my son straight or just carried on the ruse for the fun of it.

[Cuntbeaks]

Was friends with a guy who was a pathological liar, even when evidence to the contrary was presented to him. He would either run away or just continue lying.

The lying was so frequent that i can barely remember any of it and what i can, is pretty mundane in comparison to rest of the thread.

He ripped the pocket of his leather jacket one night, and the next time we saw him with it on, he said his Mum had bought him a new one. On inspection of the pockey, the sewed up rip was clearly visible. As were all the other minor imperfections an older jacket would have. We all decided to mercilessly destroy him with simple, obvious, facts for about an hour. He actually wore us all out and we just agreed it was a new jacket to shut him up.

Said his Dad could look at a bottle of vodka from a distance and tell if it had been watered down.

Said a new ring he had got coat X thousands of pounds. Sitting on the table we were at was a receipt for the ring that said £59 or whatever. He said the receipt was for another ring, one which he couldn't produce.

Said he was getting a Pioneer stacking hifi delivered that day, £2,000 worth. Waited in all day with him, never arrived. Next day he said his Dad cancelled it because he was waiting until the gold plated version was available in the UK.

Said his parents were going to Bristol for a wedding and we should go to his house and take shrooms, arrive at 6pm in Friday. On arrival i was greeted by his Mum who was wearing a dressing gown and obviously not going anywhere. He said they had cancelled, despite me seeing him that very afternoon, and it was still all systems go.

After not seeing him for a but, i met him one day and invited to my place for a smoke. I just had a new Dolby Pro Logic system delivered and had rented Terminator 2 on VHS. We smoked and watched a few clips of T2. When he was leaving I asked him to return the already paid for tape to the video shop as he basically had to pass it. A week later i get a call from the video shop asking where the tape is and ive also got all sorts of late fees. Quick call establishes he still has it and will take it down now. A few days later the shop calls again, he still hasn't taken it back. I had to go to his house, get the tape and pay the fucking late fees. Never saw him again after that.

The best one we ever got HIM with was one time we were doing a Ouija Board in his bedroom and one of the guys left via a window and started rattling his side door. He absolutely shat himself, even to this point of crying and being terrified that the demons would get his parents etc. Don't think we ever told him the truth.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Said his Dad could look at a bottle of vodka from a distance and tell if it had been watered down.

One from our bullshitter was about his dads drink of choice, illegal vodka so strong one drop of it could make a pint glass of water "ninety nine proof".

[Jumblegraws]

I had a friend who claimed that if you mixed vodka and coke (or any soft drink, I suppose) and left it long enough, the sugar from the coke would convert to alcohol somehow. The weird thing is the other bullshitting friend I mentioned upthread - who was and is notoriously useless when it comes to anything science - immediately called the claim out as bullshit.

[Jumblegraws]

The best one we ever got HIM with was one time we were doing a Ouija Board in his bedroom and one of the guys left via a window and started rattling his side door. He absolutely shat himself, even to this point of crying and being terrified that the demons would get his parents etc. Don't think we ever told him the truth.

That's making me want to start a "mates with a nervous disposition" thread about times you managed to freak a friend out with scary shenanigans.

[Ferris]

I had a friend who claimed that if you mixed vodka and coke (or any soft drink, I suppose) and left it long enough, the sugar from the come would convert to alcohol somehow. The weird thing is the other bullshitting friend I mentioned upthread - who was and is notoriously useless when it comes to anything science - immediately called the claim out as bullshit.

As much as this is obviously untrue, you can do open fermentation of most sugary liquids (depending on environment) and it'll make booze (with the caveat that you probably shouldn't do that because it may well create methyl alcohol if there's oxygen in the fermentation process.

Coke is full of preservatives that kill yeast and the existing alcohol would kill any enterprising wild yeast that tried to make a go of it, so there you go.

[PaulTMA]

At the height of the Nintendo Vs. Sega wars, my Sega-centric pal attempted to goad me by saying he'd seen the closing sequence for the seemingly obscure Sega game Splurge, during which 'Ponic' (a pink, female Sonic) "comes up and knees Mario in the baws".  This is front of a backdrop that reads "Scaffy Nintendo".  I just didn't say anything in response, for a quiet life

[Jumblegraws]

As much as this is obviously untrue, you can do open fermentation of most sugary liquids (depending on environment) and it'll make booze (with the caveat that you probably shouldn't do that because it may well create methyl alcohol if there's oxygen in the fermentation process.

Coke is full of preservatives that kill yeast and the existing alcohol would kill any enterprising wild yeast that tried to make a go of it, so there you go.

Yeah, but that's definitely not what he had in mind, his claim was that it was mere proximity to the alcohol that caused the sugar to undergo some sort of chameleon-like change. Tbh it was probably wishful thinking on his part more than actual belief/misconception.

[Ferris]

Yeah, but that's definitely not what he had in mind, his claim was that it was mere proximity to the alcohol that caused the sugar to undergo some sort of chameleon-like change. Tbh it was probably wishful thinking on his part more than actual belief/misconception.

Yeah, I mean... it's bullshit but I can sort of see how he maybe misunderstood what someone in a pub was telling him and convinced himself it was true?

Unless it was knowingly bullshit.

[kalowski]

Yeah, I mean... it's bullshit but I can sort of see how he maybe misunderstood what someone in a pub was telling him and convinced himself it was true?

Unless it was knowingly bullshit.

Pour this vodka in that coke and "bang" you've magically got an alcoholic drink.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

At the height of the Nintendo Vs. Sega wars, my Sega-centric pal attempted to goad me by saying he'd seen the closing sequence for the seemingly obscure Sega game Splurge, during which 'Ponic' (a pink, female Sonic) "comes up and knees Mario in the baws".  This is front of a backdrop that reads "Scaffy Nintendo".  I just didn't say anything in response, for a quiet life

[Ferris]

Pour this vodka in that coke and "bang" you've magically got an alcoholic drink.

Urban myth - the carbolic acid in the coke dissolves the alcohol in the vodka, with the caffeine acting as a surfactant.

My mates dad works at coke and he drinks them all day at the office and drives home and the only time the police pulled him over he blew a negative BAC on the breathalyzer.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Maybe he just tanned some lemon juice and put some coppers in his mouth to fool the breathalyzer, didn't think of that did you?

[Ferris]

No cos I knew the police who pulled him over (drink in my pub, used to be on the darts team with them) and I asked them about it and they said there were no lemons anywhere so what you make of that, pal.

[sprocket]

Bit of a less bleak one: I had a flatmate who used to come out with stuff like "When you give blood in Ireland they give you a pint of Guinness afterwards" and "When you give blood in Scotland you get a can of Irn Bru afterwards". I learned another lesson after challenging her with "You're not supposed to drink alcohol after giving blood" and she started banging on about how having an Irish surname meant she had Irish heritage and was more Irish than me having an Irish grandad and it became evident that she would scream until she was blue in the face before admitting no-one would give you free booze for giving blood.

Not sure about the Irn Bru part, but a pint of Guinness used to be on offer post-donation in Ireland.
https://www.irishtimes.com/news/guinness-ends-good-for-you-promotion-1.640968

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Gaz told me they used to give you a yard of ale round here and the nurses wouldn't let you leave until you'd finished it.

[Ambient Sheep]

Used to come out with all kinds of long burners about time travel, like I'd run out from behind a hedge one afternoon and describe something that had 'just happened' in the playground, and a few months later I'd do that thing and run behind the hedge.

That's brilliant!

I must be on the autistic spectrum, to say the least.

Aren't we all?

[TrenterPercenter]

Please do!

"Floated in"! Not even climbed in! This is the good shit, people.

I sussed out later that he was basically reworking that scene from Ghostbusters.  Like Cuntbeaks mate this guy was a pathological liar who would lie on a daily basis; for no reason; it was almost like a tic or something.

More from him; he was on the run from some home counties mafia after beating the kingpin at a game of Newmarket and winning his "special" ring in the process; which coincidently had an "R" on it as he shared the same first name with said kingpin.  When he won the ring the kingpin handed it over to him to honour the bet but then instantly set some heavies on him to steal it back; he fought them both off and punched the kingpin in the head leaving him with a permanent "R" imprinted on his forehead.  This is the reason he had chosen to go to uni, as a way of getting out of Surrey, and why he insisted we kept lookout for any strange men with R's on their heads scoping out the house.

Some were more mundane and predictable; like the time he was in the que at ASDA behind Jordan (the model) who had forgotten her purse so he paid for her shopping and she showed him her tits in the car park as recompense.  He was often meeting famous people in ASDA.

We had a 5 aside football team in a uni league that he begged us to let him play as he used to be "the goalkeeper for the county"; we let him play and he managed to score 3 own goals within the first 10 minutes as keeper; we then took him out of goal at half time and noticed he had a very strange run reminiscent of someone doing a kindof I'm a little teapot dance; which was because he "also used to play leftback for the county" and had learned to do this as way of warding off an opposing rightback; his body had then learnt this style of running so he was stuck with it.

I really liked him tbh he was lots of fun.