Topic: Mates who talk bollocks.

[touchingcloth]

Maybe he just tanned some lemon juice and put some coppers in his mouth to fool the breathalyzer, didn't think of that did you?

When I put coppers in my mouth, the lemon juice makes them more likely to arrest if anything.

[George White]

John the newsagent claimed that in the 60s, there were a series of theatrical supporting features based on Dan Dare that were either made by Gerry Anderson or in that style.

[Blue Jam]

As much as this is obviously untrue, you can do open fermentation of most sugary liquids (depending on environment) and it’ll make booze (with the caveat that you probably shouldn’t do that because it may well create methyl alcohol if there’s oxygen in the fermentation process.

Coke is full of preservatives that kill yeast and the existing alcohol would kill any enterprising wild yeast that tried to make a go of it, so there you go.

I guess you could pour a bit of Coke into some bottle-conditioned ale and get a bit of extra fermentation going though, right?

Can't say I'm itching to try this though.

[amateur]

Did a paper round with a mate who claimed his brother had completed The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, about a week after it had been out.

What's more, he had completed it on the display N64 in his local Electronics Boutique. Whole thing, all the cut scenes.

I tried to argue this was complete horse but he wasn't having any of it.

[Jockice]

He was often meeting famous people in ASDA.

If I'd ever set foot in Asda (which I haven't. Not once in my life) I'd no doubt meet loads of famous people in there.

[PaulTMA]

I remember being given some stick for claiming that I had popularised and brought the phrase "purple helmet" all the way from Elgin to Dumfries when I moved school, like Sir Walter Raleigh returning with the potato.  I genuinely believed it was a Morayshire colloquialism and not something spoken in playgrounds nationally.  Embarrassing first week as Managing Director for ICI

[FerriswheelBueller]

I guess you could pour a bit of Coke into some bottle-conditioned ale and get a bit of extra fermentation going though, right?

Can't say I'm itching to try this though.

To avoid derailing too much - my understanding is that the preservatives in coke would inhibit the growth of microbes like yeast, but not necessarily kill them so you’d have a tiny yeast colony (massively-overworked) fermenting away and I don’t think it’d be very nice. I suppose you could get a huge yeast slurry going before hand in a stir plate and use that, but it seems like a lot of work for horrible fermented flat coke.

[steve98]

More than once, old guys have told me about Navy (marrow) rum. You get a large marrow, scoop out its insides and fill it with brown sugar. Leave it a few days and stab a hole in the bottom and extremely potent Jamaican-style rum will start to drip out - Blow yer head off, so it will (absolute tosh of course.)

[Utterdrivel]

Said his parents were going to Bristol for a wedding and we should go to his house and take shrooms, arrive at 6pm in Friday. On arrival i was greeted by his Mum who was wearing a dressing gown and obviously not going anywhere. He said they had cancelled, despite me seeing him that very afternoon, and it was still all systems go.

These are the ones I don't get. Lots of kids lie about having some expensive new gadget (usually 'from America') because it's good old-fashioned showing off, but what possible point is there in a lie which will be immediately exposed as bollocks?


Oh and I did actually meet Jordan in a supermarket car park. I say meet, I just watched a depressed Peter Andre loading their Land Rover with shopping bags while she moaned at him.

[Dex Sawash]

Idiot here at work talks about things/exploits from teenage years like his cousin's Camaro[1] that when shifted to 3rd gear all 4 tires would come off the ground. The rest of us are all mechanics not imbeciles and all know that is impossible. This man gets paid to tell people what is wrong with cars.

1.	both of them would spell Camaro wrong if asked to write it

[Jumblegraws]

Yeah, I mean... it’s bullshit but I can sort of see how he maybe misunderstood what someone in a pub was telling him and convinced himself it was true?

Unless it was knowingly bullshit.

I dunno why I feel so invested in setting the record straight on this but since the fermentation chat has moved onto this page I’ll have a go again.

The bullshitter in question wasn’t scientifically illiterate (I think he was doing advanced higher chemistry at the time, cannae mind) and wouldn’t have been confused over fermentation. What I think he would have had in mind was something like a mixture of tautomers reaching chemical equilibrium - a million miles practically speaking from sugar converting into ethanol, but plausible enough in his head for making a bullshit claim.

Genuinely hadn’t given it any thought for close to twenty years, but having discussed it here I now think the claim was 90% him bullshitting the other friend and 10% magical thinking that the process would become real by dint of his claiming it to be a thing.

[Tony Tony Tony]

Some were more mundane and predictable; like the time he was in the que at ASDA behind Jordan (the model) who had forgotten her purse so he paid for her shopping and she showed him her tits in the car park as recompense.  He was often meeting famous people in ASDA.

Reckon you wouldn’t necessarily have to pay for her shopping for Jordan to get her jubblies out in the car park.

On the Asda front our local one is built on the site of the long demolished Queensway Hall a venue for every top pop star of the seventies. I worked out where the stage would have been so I reckon the fish counter is probably haunted by the ghost of David Bowie, possibly with Marc Bolan on the Deli.

[George White]

Fella in local cafe claimed to have been on television competing in a  live weekly father-and-son pole dancing competition.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Fella in local cafe claimed to have been on television competing in a  live weekly father-and-son pole dancing competition.

Maybe they were into Morris Dancing?

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Guy over here claiming Werewolf Jones drinks in his local café. Preposterous.

[touchingcloth]

To avoid derailing too much - my understanding is that the preservatives in coke would inhibit the growth of microbes like yeast, but not necessarily kill them so you’d have a tiny yeast colony (massively-overworked) fermenting away and I don’t think it’d be very nice. I suppose you could get a huge yeast slurry going before hand in a stir plate and use that, but it seems like a lot of work for horrible fermented flat coke.

My dad does this then sells it to the local pub as Belgian Beer and they don’t even realise. Only costs him a pound a firkin to make, and they buy it for a tenner.

[George White]

Maybe they were into Morris Dancing?

No, I asked him.

[turnstyle]

A chap I worked with in Harlow always lied about his sexual prowess.

When he gave me lifts back home, he would always point to buildings and say "I shagged a bird there once." Virtually every building in Harlow got pointed at.

As someone who lives near Harlow, I find it hard to believe that such a location would offer suitable romantic venues that would encourage love making. Maybe he took a young lass round the back of the Harvey Centre (not a euphemism).

Although I would guarantee that some seed got spilled at the Square back in the day. Place was stickier than a completed Panini album.

We had a kid at my school who was massively into bikes. He used to come in and tell us he'd ridden his Muddy Fox to Edinburgh the night before to go the cinema. I should point out that we were located about 400 miles from Edinburgh, and had our own cinemas. He said the popcorn was better in Scotland because they put 'little bits of Mars bars' in it. They also got the latest films there first because they were 'closer to America'.

[abobo]

My friend told me his dad built a ghost train in his cellar but was too scary for us to go on.

[paruses]

My friend told me his dad built a ghost train in his cellar but was too scary for us to go on.

More like this please. I love the outlandish claims and the reasons they can't be verified.

[imitationleather]

I wonder if the kid came up with that themselves or if their dad had told them it as a very funny joke.

[touchingcloth]

I found a foil wrapper on my parents’ bedside table once, and was told that it was from dad’s special morning chewing gum which I couldn’t try because it was too strong for kids.

I bad my time until I saw a window of opportunity a few weeks later when my parents went out leaving me at home alone, and snuck a packet of the mystical gum, tore it open and stuffed a condom into my stupid greedy mouth. After a few chews I realised it was pretty terrible gum, so I flung it out of the window of our flat. To this day I can distinctly remember the thing fluttering downwards before getting stuck in the very top of a pine tree. I hope someone discovered it and was a baffled as they were revolted.

[St_Eddie]

My friend told me his dad built a ghost train in his cellar but was too scary for us to go on.

I wonder if the kid came up with that themselves or if their dad had told them it as a very funny joke.

The friend was 28.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

My friend told me his dad built a ghost train in his cellar but was too scary for us to go on.

I'd have alerted child services about this one.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

My fucking DAD told me what sounded like a classic urban legend when I was about 18 - I thought it was a bit CHINNY RECKON but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Until about three years later when I saw Ben Affleck's character say pretty much the exact same story in Good Will Hunting.  It's the cop car story - as stolen from reddit:

"The story goes, in short, that Chuck's uncle Marty got pulled over, and during the arresting, there was a car crash down the road. The state trooper tended to the car crash victim, and Marty, instead of taking his own car and fleeing the scene, he takes the state trooper car. The next day, the state trooper find's his uncle Marty and Marty denied the whole thing, until the state trooper took a look in Marty's garage and the state trooper car is in the garage with the lights on."

I highly doubt he's seen Good Will Hunting, so I assume it must just be one of those classic bullshit stories (my generation's would be that gross starburst clusters one).

I wasn't that sad to find out that particular story was bollocks, more that it made me look at a lot of other excellent anecdotes in a different light.  My favourite stupid one being that him and his mates had this mutual friend who just went totally AWOL for about 18 months, no phone calls, nothing, until one day he randomly turned up at the house a few of them lived in, came in on a little motorbike scooter thing, did a couple of laps around the table in the front room, then drove off into the night, not to be seen for another couple of years.  Richard Edson probably tells the same story in Stranger than Paradise or some shit.