Author Topic: Mates who talk bollocks.  (Read 7114 times)

AllisonSays

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2021, 09:22:24 AM »
My brother had a schoolfriend who claimed to be a) Tony Blair's nephew and b) a robot. Said he fell off the Empire State Building shortly after he was born/assembled.

Born/assembled really tickled me there, hahaha.

An tSaoi

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2021, 09:28:14 AM »
His brother had worked in Japan, and brought back a PlayStation 3, which hadn't been released over here yet. This was around 2001.

He also said that Liam Reilly from Bagatelle co-wrote Smooth Criminal with Michael Jackson, just the words, not the music. It was such a specific and basically unimpressive lie that a few people tentatively believed it.

Butchers Blind

  • Adios pantaloons!
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #32 on: April 02, 2021, 09:29:18 AM »
Remeber at school there was a kid called Judd who was champion bullshitter. He told us once he got wanked off in an RE lesson but when we asked who she was he told us, gentlemen don't tell.

Tony Tony Tony

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #33 on: April 02, 2021, 09:38:59 AM »
Remeber at school there was a kid called Judd who was champion bullshitter. He told us once he got wanked off in an RE lesson but when we asked who she was he told us, gentlemen don't tell.

Probably the teacher. Them nuns are cock hungry.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #34 on: April 02, 2021, 09:43:16 AM »
I chap I used to go to college with claimed that he was a hotshot guitarist who supported Stereophonics at a gig.
One day he was playing at a pub and was so skilled that the ladies started swooning. One of them was the partner of a rival bandmember. After the gig that band surrounded him in the car park. He beat them all down but was hit from behind with a steel bar. They then smashed his kneecap off.
My friend who went to college with him said that he actually fell down the steps leading up to his front door.
He also claimed to have hacked into Nasa and launched a rocket!

Another friend of mine claimed to have invented the Big Mac meal, which would have been about 20 years before he was born.
He also said that he lived in Harlem and got shot in the back with a shotgun at point-blank range. This put him in a coma for a year. He refused to show us his scars, though on one occasion when he was changing after a football match, it was noted that his surgery had left no visible marks.
He told the story again about a year later, but changed Harlem to Alabama.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #35 on: April 02, 2021, 09:51:55 AM »
My mates Dad works at the patent office and tells him all about the alien tech coming down the line that we haven't been granted access to yet. I can reveal, exclusively, what's in store next 5 years:

- Dildos with cameras on
- Strapons with cameras on
- Anal plugs with cameras on
- Speculums with cameras on
- Beads with a camera on each bead

He reckons 'johnnies' will have cameras on in 10 years time but they haven't found a way to windscreen wipe the cum off the lens yet. He reckons Mooncups with cameras for medical use is 'the next Bitcoin' but my mate told him 'that's bollocks' but his dad says 'swear down'.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #36 on: April 02, 2021, 09:55:13 AM »
He also says he can tell when people have 'cummed themselves' to an accuracy of 92%. It's their gait.

dr beat

  • #TeamColourfield
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #37 on: April 02, 2021, 10:19:45 AM »
My brother had a schoolfriend who claimed to be a) Tony Blair's nephew and b) a robot. Said he fell off the Empire State Building shortly after he was born/assembled.

And that boy grew up to be Keir Starmer.

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #38 on: April 02, 2021, 10:19:57 AM »
When my nephew was ten he came up to me and proudly announced that he knew “all the swears”, and when I said go on then, tell me them, he counted up on his fingers: shit, crap, bastard, twat, and, erm, I think it’s “wanker”?

I asked if he knew the c-word, and he said no but leaned in eagerly when I said that I’d tell him as long as he promised - PROMISED - never to say it in front of his parents.

After I told him he shot off into the room where his parents were, and a few seconds later I heard great peels of later. He had gone in and told his parents to their horror that he now knew the c-word, before dancing round the singing it over and over again. The word I had told him was “crumbs”, and with his ridiculous blonde mop he must have looked like Just William.

This is a heartwarming story and were it on Twitter it would get thousands of Retweets.

Though part of me also suspects that if we were to ask to meet this nephew, cloth would first be all like “you don’t know him, he goes to another school” and then that he had “moved abroad” and might then discreetly let us know he was “on a secret undercover mission for the government” and we “mustn’t tell anyone or we’ll be made to disappear.”

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #39 on: April 02, 2021, 10:31:30 AM »
I once had a mate...actually, that's bollocks.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #40 on: April 02, 2021, 10:36:21 AM »
But there was someone at my school who swore blind he'd been at the bus station one day, saw a vehicle parked up with the keys still in the ignition and took it for a drive round the city before returning it to where it had been. This wasn't noticed by anyone at the time unfortunately.

TrenterPercenter

  • Rock the CABLADs
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #41 on: April 02, 2021, 10:38:18 AM »
Had a "friend" at uni who I could probably fill the whole thread with but one of my favourites is when he told us how the preceding night he had left his window open after going to bed and a prostitute "floated in", gave him a blowjob and then left HIM £20 for the privilege.

It's always tickled me at the batshit idea of ladies of night stalking the streets for open windows to perform their robinhoodesque bus mans holidays.  Either that or him getting sucked off by a ghost (and a very generous one that keeps contemporary currency).

non capisco

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #42 on: April 02, 2021, 10:45:49 AM »
Had a "friend" at uni who I could probably fill the whole thread with

Please do!

"Floated in"! Not even climbed in! This is the good shit, people.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #43 on: April 02, 2021, 11:06:12 AM »
My brother had a boss who was apparently great mates with all the players at Celtic football club. He once came into his office just as he was finishing a call.

"You know who that was on the phone?... Lubo Moravcik![1]"

Another time he was at a party with the Celtic team and he ended up on a chair serenading them. During which a skylight fell from the roof directly on top of him, the glass smashed over his head on impact and the frame continued to the floor without touching him or the chair! No injuries whatsoever and the sing-song continued. Legend.
 1. famous Celtic player from the early 2000s

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #44 on: April 02, 2021, 11:22:13 AM »
When we were growing up in brownest, flattest Lincolnshire, one lad on the periphery, Pilchard, had a lot of stories like these.

Claimed his dad had killed a horse in Spain by punching it "with permission".
Said he knew where to get a gun in Skegness and that he'd done heroin on a rollercoaster (before it started, obviously, the fairground operator shot him up and then released the cars).
Told me that he'd "arranged" for me to meet Rolf Harris (this was years before any allegations so not the chilling threat it would seem like today, but still pretty unexpected and oddly frightening).
Plus endless tales about a gang of drug dealers in Horncastle who were trying to kill him, run by a man called Roger Antwerp.

As an aside, I just remembered a rather beautiful exchange I had with Pilchard. In Lincolnshire, "something" is pronounced like "summits", and one time me and the Pilch were sitting in his living room stoned and I asked him "Pilchard, what is this music?", and he said "the summits of paradise" and I said, "ah, wow, the summits of paradise..." but actually Pilchard had said "the... something? of paradise" because he couldn't remember the word "sabres".

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #45 on: April 02, 2021, 11:29:53 AM »
Argh, that reminds me of when Breakfast At Tiffany’s was riding high in the charts and, at a family gathering, I was asked who the band were and my mum dad, aunts, uncles and grandparents spent 20 minutes trying to guess what the “Something” of Deep Blue Something was, in spite of my constant protests that the band was literally called Deep Blue Something. My gran went to her grave adamant that they must have been called Deep Blue Sea.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #46 on: April 02, 2021, 11:36:13 AM »
20 minutes is way more attention than those one-hit wonders deserve.

Thomas

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #47 on: April 02, 2021, 12:00:22 PM »
My (other) brother once told me that if you kill 'the purple guys' in GTA 3, gems come out. Thenceforth, every time I played I'd mow down pimps, to no avail. Eventually, after a number of years, my brother shrugged and admitted it was a lie.


Dex Sawash

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #48 on: April 02, 2021, 12:11:24 PM »
A friends uncle who had been retired for all of living memory claimed his retirement was from "a branch of government"(america). He still had the authority to summon "a team of paratroopers, with black parachutes, the ones that drop and open silently" <mimes parachute opening with one hand (similar to mic drop but fingers umbrella'd)>

Bernice

  • a turkey is a bad person (he/him)
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #49 on: April 02, 2021, 12:18:30 PM »
My sister went to school with a girl who reckoned her family had coined the phrase "you're a doll" and thus nobody could use it without her permission. Fortunately, there wasn't much of a clamour among the late 90s juniors of Liverpool to use the phrase "you're a doll".

Went to secondary school with a guy who reckoned he'd been chased by "about 50" rozzers into the Liver building, been pursued up all the stairs, made it out onto the roof, climbed one Liver bird and then leapt from one to the other, thus making his getaway. Presumably the police were so impressed they just mutely watched him climb down off the statue, clamber back inside and make his way down the stairs.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #50 on: April 02, 2021, 12:30:40 PM »
My sister told me that:
1) The band Kenny, of The Bump fame, were from our hometown in Scotland. I was well into my 20s before I discovered that they weren't. Around the same time I found out that Keith Chegwin hadn't been a member. Or came from Dumbarton come to think of it.

2) If I pick that little spot on the inside of my right thigh off it would 'unleash cancer on the world.' Sometimes when I'm in a shit mood I think I might as well test it out. Incidentally, my mum had an identical spot on the same place on her left leg. And she died of cancer. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Gurke and Hare

  • Fold water. Roll into small cubes.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #51 on: April 02, 2021, 12:44:12 PM »
I had a fling with a bloke who claimed he knew the endings to all the Harry Potter books (JKR was 3 books in)

This is the most I've laughed so far in this thread.

Kid at our school was on holiday in America[1] in a branch of KFC, when "the chef" came out from the back, smashed the plate glass window at the front and started cutting himself with the shards of glass. Our hero, a 15-year-old schoolboy overpowered him and saved his life.
 1. So many of these stores happen on holiday in America don't they?

Tony Tony Tony

  • This Tea Is Nothing More Than Hot Leaf Juice!
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #52 on: April 02, 2021, 12:55:47 PM »
When we were growing up in brownest, flattest Lincolnshire, one lad on the periphery, Pilchard, had a lot of stories like these.

Claimed his dad had killed a horse in Spain by punching it "with permission".
Said he knew where to get a gun in Skegness and that he'd done heroin on a rollercoaster (before it started, obviously, the fairground operator shot him up and then released the cars).
Told me that he'd "arranged" for me to meet Rolf Harris (this was years before any allegations so not the chilling threat it would seem like today, but still pretty unexpected and oddly frightening).
Plus endless tales about a gang of drug dealers in Horncastle who were trying to kill him, run by a man called Roger Antwerp.

As an aside, I just remembered a rather beautiful exchange I had with Pilchard. In Lincolnshire, "something" is pronounced like "summits", and one time me and the Pilch were sitting in his living room stoned and I asked him "Pilchard, what is this music?", and he said "the summits of paradise" and I said, "ah, wow, the summits of paradise..." but actually Pilchard had said "the... something? of paradise" because he couldn't remember the word "sabres".

Proper laffed at the thought of being given permission to punch a horse. Legend.

BritishHobo

  • That is a really reductive impression
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #53 on: April 02, 2021, 01:19:44 PM »
A lad I went to swimming lessons with in Buckley told us he'd been out and about shopping a few weekends previously when a BBC production crew, in the middle of filming a new children's TV series, saw him and cast him on sight as the lead. They just knew, when they saw him - 'that's our lead'. They shot the entire programme that day (on the cinematic streets of Buckley, presumably), with all the crew telling him he was going to be the next big thing. One of us asked him when this show was going to be on, because all of us would definitely be watching. 'That's the thing,' he said. 'When we'd finished filming, I turned around to ask them when it would air - and they'd all disappeared.'

BritishHobo

  • That is a really reductive impression
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #54 on: April 02, 2021, 01:27:26 PM »
My sister told me that:
1) The band Kenny, of The Bump fame, were from our hometown in Scotland. I was well into my 20s before I discovered that they weren't. Around the same time I found out that Keith Chegwin hadn't been a member. Or came from Dumbarton come to think of it.

My older brother managed to genuinely convince me that he had invented the "Donk" subgenre of house music, and also that he had come up with 'Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box'. As a weedy little middle-class boy who thought a school disco was a bit loud, let alone a rave, I'd no reason to doubt it. Any time I saw either one mentioned for years afterwards, I used to feel a little swell of pride - and I think I genuinely might have gotten into an argument with someone on the Internet once because they had not correctly attributed the birth of the Donk subgenre.

PlanktonSideburns

  • let me play for you the song of my people
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #55 on: April 02, 2021, 02:21:11 PM »
Back in school we were in English class, talking about those stupid urban dictionary sex definitions that teenage boys find so funny. When we were discussing the danger wank this boy we were sitting with claimed to love secretly wanking so much that he once wanked into a flannel under the table while eating dinner with his family. I don't know why he thought that would impress us.

Im pretty impressed tbf

dont suppose you still have his number?

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #56 on: April 02, 2021, 02:29:01 PM »
Think I've mentioned it before years ago but I had a mate at school who was a compulsive liar. Some of his little nuggets (bearing in mind he was saying these things at age 15-16):
His Dad was a secret agent
His Dad had a £1m computer
He was in an episode of Doctor Who
He was in a toothpaste commercial
His Uncle made the Aliens arcade game
He had a version of Aliens that no-one else had seen (he described the scenes in detail, none of which are on any release since then)
He was watching Aliens one night and his TV blew up
The Aliens comic he brought into school one day could only be purchased in the USA (even though it had £1.50 printed on the cover and was clearly a UK reprint comic)

As you can probably tell, he was obsessed with Aliens a bit. I saw him again years later as an adult, at one of my local pubs, wearing an Aliens T-shirt and a trenchcoat. He mentioned something about dating a nurse but of course with his past history no-one really believed him. He is now married to a girl from our class and has a kid though. Hope he's knocked the lying on the head.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #57 on: April 02, 2021, 02:39:31 PM »
A nutter in a pub I'd gotten chatting to once told me "Alien 3 killed my mum, they watched it one night and woke up dead".

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #58 on: April 02, 2021, 03:05:57 PM »
A lad I went to swimming lessons with in Buckley

I know someone with the surname Buckley whose nickname is F.A.S. meaning "full ae shite".

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #59 on: April 02, 2021, 03:14:00 PM »
My brother had a schoolfriend who claimed to be a) Tony Blair's nephew and b) a robot. Said he fell off the Empire State Building shortly after he was born/assembled.

I love the Empire State detail. It's the implied assumption that bullshitters make about their audience that tickles me. Either that the listener believed the initial nugget enough to warrant more, or that the extra layer somehow makes the whole thing more credible.

That robot tale reminds me of a guy I worked with a few years ago. He casually told a group of us that he was starting a medical trial the following Monday, which would involve having his limbs replaced with robotic prostheses. He was strange to put it mildly. Funnily enough he didn't show up on Monday, though only because he'd been sacked for reasons unknown. He periodically showed up outside the building in his car at break times after that, playing Skrillex at skull-shattering volume.

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