Author Topic: Mates who talk bollocks.  (Read 7113 times)

Captain Z

  • Die Hard or Die Tryin'
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2021, 03:20:25 PM »
I've posted this before, but back in primary school I had a friend who, like me, was a big fan of Gerry Anderson's various puppet productions. We once got into a very petty argument over how exactly the theme tune to Stingray went, with him insisting that it had an extra "der-der" on the end, which would have made it a 9/8 time signature. I didn't understand music theory enough to be able to express this at the time, but obviously it was wrong. In the end he said that he was definitely right "because Gerry Anderson is my uncle and he plays it every morning at breakfast".

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #61 on: April 02, 2021, 03:26:38 PM »
When I was in lower sixth, a kid called Zee who had been kicked out of upper sixth at a different college joined us.

Zee was VERY proud of his mobile phone. It was a Nokia 5210 - the little thing with an infrared port - and 2002 was early enough that not everyone in school had a mobile, but late enough that owning one wasn’t in any way noteworthy.

Zee told us at length about how he got “robbed by the Gooch”[1], who bundled him into the back of a van but he was able to escape by “calling my mates, cos I’ve got free minutes on my contract and don’t use pay-as-you-go”. Again, this was not noteworthy enough at the time to be any sort of a boast.

Zee also claimed to be an MC, and when repeatedly pressed to spit a few bars for us came out with

Quote
Ipsy, dipsy, la-la, poe
Check out my head, I go with the flow
...
A to the B to the C to the Zee
24-7 like a Maccaree



Zee wasn’t the only kid who made phone-contract-based attempts at brags. One time in sixth form someone was washing around after whether anyone had credit they could borrow to make a call. No one dead, except for Matt who loudly announced “I have credit...but you can’t use it because I need it to call my girlfriend”.

Matt also once told us that his “brother is gay, and I found out he’s been swapping my Xbox games to bum guys”.
 1. Meaning kidnapped by one of the Greater Manchester gangs.

seepage

  • Undetectable in normal everyday use
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2021, 04:06:05 PM »
Despite working for an insurance firm, a mate reckons he's saved the government from ransomware disaster on occasion. Also he's privy to a secret list of banned Chinese tech firms which will be made official in due course. This meant he's had to dispose of a lot of the appliances in his home as they are on the banned list. But this includes things that have no way of connecting to the web, unless they have a secret WAN chip inside I suppose. Also, why would get rid of stuff before you actually needed too, and who's going to check? 

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #63 on: April 02, 2021, 04:15:17 PM »
Despite being a twelve-year-old schoolboy, Kieron was able to find the time to be a soldier in the British Army AND had a full-time job at Star Aluminium, an aluminium strip manufacturing plant where his main job was “knocking down walls”.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #64 on: April 02, 2021, 04:32:42 PM »
Another friend of mine claimed to have invented the Big Mac meal

That one caught me off guard, that's a belter. Inventing the Big Mac meal is much funnier than inventing just the Big Mac, the meal just being a routine extension of the burger itself. I invented the medium Big Mac meal with extra salt sachets and a milkshake instead of normal drink for 50p extra.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #65 on: April 02, 2021, 04:34:16 PM »
I invented pairing things with chips and calling it a 'supper'.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #66 on: April 02, 2021, 04:46:25 PM »
My friend jammed two disks at once into his Amiga. He was able to play Kick Off with Robocop on his team who could shoot other players.

Very loud kid with no prior interest in videogames repeatedly telling everyone he'd got Sonic and Knuckles in FIFA.


Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #67 on: April 02, 2021, 04:49:43 PM »
Had a mate at school who claimed his dad designed the PlayStation after waking up in the middle of the night. Also claimed he rung around with a huge 18 year old Rasta (we were 11) who walked around with a samurai sword and a machine gun strapped to his back.

One of my mates at uni claimed his grandad invented mushy peas when he sat on a pea once.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #68 on: April 02, 2021, 04:56:49 PM »
A common one was kids claiming they had a new dealer who gave them cheap pot on the condition that they wear it around their necks in a medallion shaped holder and never hide it anywhere or else they'd be grassed up or murdered. The story ends with of course the police pulling the kid over while driving down the M4 (the teller of the story is usually under 14 keep in mind though last time I heard it the teller was 17) and when asked about the huge medallion replies "its my pot, officer" and policeman lets him go because he "doesn't want any trouble"

This is more an urban legend than bollocks from mates as I heard several times. I tried to work out with a friend where it came from, we concluded it must be a scene from a movie but we never found a source.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2021, 05:07:21 PM by Video Game Fan 2000 »

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #69 on: April 02, 2021, 05:02:52 PM »
Flipping it around, and probably I've mentioned this before, but just before Return of the Jedi came out a lad at school claimed his uncle had "the new star wars film" on video, which featured Chewbacca visiting his family for wookie xmas and had cartoon bits. Roundly laughed out of the playground he was. It was 20 years before the existence of this incredible cultural artefact was made known to me.

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #70 on: April 02, 2021, 05:49:10 PM »
Remember at school there was a kid called Judd who was a champion snooker player. He told us once he had a full head of hair.

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #71 on: April 02, 2021, 05:55:44 PM »
Ipsy, dipsy, la-la, poe
Check out my head, I go with the flow

He even got the names of the Teletubbies wrong, brilliant.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #72 on: April 02, 2021, 05:58:48 PM »
Kid we knew who claimed to have a rap contract and recorded demo did free styled for me on the way home from school and stopped when he ran out of rhymes for "egg on my plate" a phrase that was at least a third of all his bars

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #73 on: April 02, 2021, 06:08:00 PM »
Girl at my (single-sex) secondary school bragged that she'd been on holiday with her parents and sneaked out to the red light district and got herself a boyfriend. I said "So, you lost your virginity at 11? You know that's rape, right? Are you alright?". She got a face like thunder and asked me "Don't you think that's a bit of a personal question?" Er, not when you've been sexually bragging and enjoying the attention, no.

I never was too hot on The Rules Of The Playground but that's how I learned you don't call out bullshitting from the Alpha of the Mean Girls. I'm also wondering if that sort of bullshitting about sex that is actually statutory rape is common, given that it's something of a sitcom trope (Jay in The Inbetweeners, Kingsley in Fresh Meat).

Bit of a less bleak one: I had a flatmate who used to come out with stuff like "When you give blood in Ireland they give you a pint of Guinness afterwards" and "When you give blood in Scotland you get a can of Irn Bru afterwards". I learned another lesson after challenging her with "You're not supposed to drink alcohol after giving blood" and she started banging on about how having an Irish surname meant she had Irish heritage and was more Irish than me having an Irish grandad and it became evident that she would scream until she was blue in the face before admitting no-one would give you free booze for giving blood. You can't argue with people like that, so after that I'd just reply "Really?" and see her little smirk, it kept her quiet. Also I fucking hate "Who's The Most Irish" contests even more than I hate St. Patrick's Day celebrations.

Also I have since given blood in Scotland and they don't give you Irn Bru, but they do give you Tunnock's.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2021, 06:27:38 PM by Blue Jam »

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #74 on: April 02, 2021, 06:19:30 PM »
Have smartphones and Wikipedia killed off the bullshitter? Perhaps that's why there's so many at schools, where not everyone is allowed a smartphone.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #75 on: April 02, 2021, 06:31:01 PM »
Have smartphones and Wikipedia killed off the bullshitter? Perhaps that's why there's so many at schools, where not everyone is allowed a smartphone.

"my dad/uncle invented..." stories seem like so much of a formative part of growing up and basically impossible now.

Same kid who claimed to have made a gold bar in his shed claimed his dad's uncle worked as an international courrier and one of his jobs was delivering things to US military bases. One time he had to deliver something to ROSWELL NEW MEXICO and the silly sod only went and walked straight into the crashed flying saucer with the package he was delivering! He said it was a tiny but inside it was a vast white space that was so big his dad's uncle had to be rescued out of it. He was escorted off the base and told never to tell or else. Then a few years later his uncle was watching television and saw Dr Who, the TARDIS, and realised when he was out drinking one night he must have been so drunk he told everyone. But its a drunk version so thats why the TARDIS doesn't make sense and Dr Who is silly? His dad's uncle went crazy because the secret idea of a room bigger on the inside and outside was all his own experience, and he would have got rich from it if he hadn't have told anyone and worked out how to remake it himself. Some of us knew the "dad's uncle" in the story. He was a crazy fucker who used to brag about repairing sportscars in a secret garage he had in town, the obvious point of origin for all the bollocks about gold bars and crashed UFOs. 

I'm sure versions of this exact story, paranormal thing on telly is based on what happened to my dad, were told in playgrounds and high schools across the land for decades and now thats impossible. Bring back good old British delusion and blatant lies, like in the good days.

Blue Jam

  • Last of the great avuncular magicians
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #76 on: April 02, 2021, 06:39:02 PM »
A mate of mine once overheard a boy on the bus telling his classmates that his dad worked at the Pentagon building robots and that if they drew a robot and gave him the drawing he'd pass it on to his dad and he'd build it for them.

This was in London, UK, not Arlington, Virginia.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #77 on: April 02, 2021, 06:59:33 PM »
My brother had a boss who was apparently great mates with all the players at Celtic football club. He once came into his office just as he was finishing a call.

"You know who that was on the phone?... Lubo Moravcik![1]"
 1. famous Celtic player from the early 2000s

I've undoubtedly mentioned this before but I have a friend who did a bit of research for Four Lions. That is true. It was filmed in Sheffield and she is a Muslim and a former journalist, so the producers obviously got her name from somewhere.

But, boy did she make a meal of it! It was if she and Chris Morris were best mates and the film couldn't be made without her crucial input. They were practically writing the script together. On a night out she rushed out of the bar to 'take a call from him.'  As Simon once said in The Inbetweeners when Jay tried a similar stunt with a 'call' from Ralph Lauren. "It didn't even ring, did it?"

This went on for several months and then suddenly she stopped mentioning him. And still hasn't again until this day. I have spoken to her today incidentally. She didn't mention him. I genuinely don't know if Morris was ever in contact with her personally or if it was just one of the production staff, who may have been in touch once or twice to check small details. I suspect it was the latter.

When I went to see the film I eagerly waited for the credits. And sure enough she was in there. One of probably over a hundred names in 'thanks to' near the very end. With her surname spelt wrongly.

I recorded it when it was in the telly earlier this week. I might watch it again over the weekend just to see if her credit's got any bigger.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2021, 07:22:23 PM by Jockice »

touchingcloth

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Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #78 on: April 02, 2021, 07:26:35 PM »
He even got the names of the Teletubbies wrong, brilliant.

It wouldn’t have stuck with me so long if he’d got it right. I think the pressure of having to bullshit his way through some freestyle made his mouth go a few steps faster than his brain so he didn’t manage to realise how uncool Tubbiecore would come across as. It reminds me a lot of this X-Factor candidate who failed to impress with his Eminem impression, then got revenge on the judges with a diss rap. Unfortunately he didn’t think fast enough to stop himself saying “Louis Walsh? You...your band Westlife, they’re OK.”

touchingcloth

  • Member
  • **
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #79 on: April 02, 2021, 07:29:36 PM »
Not bullshit as such, but once during break time when I was in probably year 4, I came across a group of year 6s - a few girls and one boy - sat in a circle on the grass passing a twig between themselves. When we asked what the craic was, they said “<boy> is trying to get us pregnant”, which was when I realised the twig was systematically being dipped into trousers and then pushed up skirts.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #80 on: April 02, 2021, 07:30:58 PM »
In a similar vain one of the bigger boys told me you got aids from "touching women's fanny hairs".

gmoney

  • Hug a jug of wine
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #81 on: April 02, 2021, 07:54:08 PM »
Not strictly a mate, but he was in the same friend circles at college for a while. He claimed his dad was in a biker gang and when one of the local weed dealers stopped coming around, he claimed his dad's gang had beaten him half to death for ripping him off an oz of solid. The dealer turned up again two weeks later with a deep tan as he'd gone on holiday to Greece. He gave a friend of mine a cd-r saying it was his band's demo. He listened to it and was massively impressed, played it to another friend who correctly identified it as a Poison The Well EP. There was something about him claiming he had to take the pill but I don't remember the details. I'm never sure what drives pathological liars. He was a really good looking guy who attracted a lot of female attention, seemed to have all the confidence in the world, but obviously he alienated everyone pretty quickly and moved on to a fresh group of people to bullshit to.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #82 on: April 02, 2021, 08:17:18 PM »
Danny Owens spent most of Year 4 dripfeeding me the plot to Arachnophobia 2, which he saw in America.

Non Stop Dancer

  • Nice apple tart
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #83 on: April 02, 2021, 08:34:13 PM »
Fuck me I've got so many of these, it's a personal favourite topic. Here's a couple for starters.

My mate Richard said he'd gone to an adult roller disco with his dad (which was located at the House of Marbles in Bovey Tracey - always loved that detail) where the men and women lined up on opposite sides of the room naked apart from their roller skates, and would all at once skate towards each other and at the point of collision, "The blokes' dicks go up the women's fannies". We'd have been about 9 or 10 at the time.

A mate of a mate, Chalkie, about 13 at the time, was in the Gulf War (drafted by the army because he was so good at cadets) and had Sadam in his sights and was about to pull the trigger, but was stopped by his Sargent at the last second because he'd forgotten to bring his killing lisence with him.

Chalkie was also out driving his car once "in London" and this other driver was gobbing off to him or something, so Chalkie flicked his fag out of the window, and it went through this other bloke's sun roof and the car exploded.

MrSerious

  • Hits The Big Time Every Single Day
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #84 on: April 02, 2021, 08:43:48 PM »
When we were about 8 my cousin claimed he could hack into the FBI's mainframe and "proved it" by...visiting their website.

He also claimed he was in a TV advert for turtle food, which I'm fairly certain is something that's never been advertised on TV.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #85 on: April 02, 2021, 09:02:16 PM »
If everyone who ever claimed to have fallen off this:



actually did, the Severn estuary would have been clogged with corpses by 2005.

If everyone's mate who claimed to write their name with tipex on the top actually did, it would have been whiter than [political reference] by 1999.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #86 on: April 02, 2021, 09:04:21 PM »
It did my fucking head in when I went to university and heard stories about running up/falling off the wave from people not from Newport.

"Where you from, Video Game Fan 2000?"
"Newport"
"..."
"..."
"...my mate fell off the wave"

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #87 on: April 02, 2021, 09:06:29 PM »
Holy shit the Newport Triforce! Totally forgot that existed.

Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #88 on: April 02, 2021, 09:11:53 PM »
Holy shit the Newport Triforce! Totally forgot that existed.

Local urban legend territory but: my mate's dad's uncle's brother's granch knows the woman who designed it and she's a lesbian so its supposed look like legs spread and the triangle points to the clit. I can't prove this, no.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: Mates who talk bollocks.
« Reply #89 on: April 02, 2021, 09:13:22 PM »
Bahaha

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