Mates who talk bollocks.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

"Its supposed to be a fanny" started with the sculpture by the station and moved to the wave without anyone noticing.

It'd be great if it was deliberate. "Oh, fucking 13 year old know-it-alls think this innocuous abstract lump of steel looks like a minge do they? Right! Get me the Georgia O'Keefe foundation on the phone and we'll sort them right out"

[touchingcloth]

I used to have to visit Newport train station every week and I once went there to pickup a passport, but I've never seen that crimson steel vagina.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I used to have to visit Newport train station every week and I once went there to pickup a passport, but I've never seen that crimson steel vagina.

[touchingcloth]

Is that in Bristol? I'm ashamed to say I never called after we made love that night.

[JamesTC]

I remember one friend in High School who was regularly an overweight version of Jay from The Inbetweeners.

When he was around 13 he claimed he had two bisexual girlfriends who snogged each other at a festival he went to.

The real big lie was a story that went down in legend with my friends. He claimed that he was at his girlfriends house (she went to another school) and was "making rumpy pumpy" when her mother came home. He went flat out on the bed and she draped the covers over him (as if that would hide him). The mother came in but didn't notice and then when her back was turned he climbed out the window and "shimmied" down the guttering. While climbing down he heard the mother see his phone on the floor and his girlfriend said she found it out front. The mother came out front and he approached her saying he dropped his phone around there so she gave him it.

[Ferris]

A mate of a mate, Chalkie, about 13 at the time, was in the Gulf War (drafted by the army because he was so good at cadets) and had Sadam in his sights and was about to pull the trigger, but was stopped by his Sargent at the last second because he'd forgotten to bring his killing lisence with him.

It's a ball-ache but what can you do? Rules are rules.

Little kids are just a bit mad aren't they? Like, still working out the rules for real life and society etc. A neighbourhood kid (6 or 7?) told me he found $500 at school last week ("in the snow") and I still don't know what response he wanted from me.

I went with "I see, that's a lot", ushered my child into the house, and left it there.

[idunnosomename]

VAGINA DENTATA



what a wonderful phrase

[touchingcloth]

It's a ball-ache but what can you do? Rules are rules.

Little kids are just a bit mad aren't they? Like, still working out the rules for real life and society etc. A neighbourhood kid (6 or 7?) told me he found $500 at school last week ("in the snow") and I still don't know what response he wanted from me.

I went with "I see, that's a lot", ushered my child into the house, and left it there.

Wish fulfilment, innit. I think we all dreamed of being rich/famous as kids, then some take it a step farther and lie about finding 500 quid / dad's magic Audi / me and my brother put the Mario cartridge in after the Sonic one and Mario took the place of Tails and we completed it in thirty minutes and the final boss was Robotnik AND Bowser and Peach got naked. Then some carry it into adulthood.

The merging of computer games is just another form of people wondering who would win out of Captain America and Stone Cold Steve Austin, it seems.

[touchingcloth]

VAGINA DENTATA

what a wonderful phrase

I typed that out on the TV remote when watching the Lion King video and those lyrics came out in the song but they're worried about being sued so you can only watch it once and then it deletes itself.

[Hal Incandenza]

When we were discussing the danger wank this boy we were sitting with claimed to love secretly wanking so much that he once wanked into a flannel under the table while eating dinner with his family. I don't know why he thought that would impress us.

A surprising amount of my friends have fessed up to stuff like this a few years after the act. I thought it was bollocks too until all nodded in agreement. 

[Ferris]

A surprising amount of my friends have fessed up to stuff like this a few years after the act. I thought it was bollocks too until all nodded in agreement.

There's an element of still (badly) parsing the adult world to determine the "parameters of success", and coming up short[nb]ooh - pardon![/nb] in ways that are very funny from the outside, but probably logically sound in the mind of a 10 year old (albeit one who would likely admit they're extrapolating and going out on a limb a bit).

I quite like that about kids - they're all a bit mad in ways that are funny and unexpected[nb]"my bunny rabbit never does a poo"[/nb], not like adults who are mad in ways that are dull and predictable[nb]"I don't walk anywhere and will openly admit to voting tory"[/nb].

[non capisco]

I'll always remember some kid called Simon when we were about 12 boasting (and this is word for word accurate)  "I bet it takes you ages when you have a wank! I just flick it once and it spunks everywhere!!!"

An undervalued sitcom one liner from Roseanne was when DJ was locked in the toilet for ages during a suspected wank and Darlene said "He's either really good at it or really bad at it."

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I'll always remember some kid called Simon when we were about 12 boasting (and this is word for word accurate)  "I bet it takes you ages when you have a wank! I just flick it once and it spunks everywhere!!!"

Is there enough material for weird onanism brags because I once got told that because I probably never wanked that when I was grown up I'd have "a ballsack like jupiter" from all the spunk whereas the kid bragging wanked so much by that time he'd have practically no scrotum at all.

[steve98]

Is there enough material for weird onanism brags?

I had a budgie called "Onan" (cos he was always "scattering his seed on the ground".) That's not really a "brag" though, just a fact.

[Colin Sanction]

There was a lad at school regaled tales of being able to go from one end of the road to the other through the lofts, even though most of houses were semi detached. Looking back, his parents were going through a divorce and he was the oldest sibling. Household breaking up, parents moving out, protecting your younger siblings etc. it's no wonder we retreat to the comfort of fantasy worlds in life changing situations.

[Camp Tramp]

A chap I worked with in Harlow always lied about his sexual prowess.

When he gave me lifts back home, he would always point to buildings and say "I shagged a bird there once." Virtually every building in Harlow got pointed at.

Another guy who claimed to be an ex-paratrooper got caught out. He got stuck on the scissor lift when someone switched it off while he was elevated and he had a panic attack. When questioned as to why someone who jumped out of planes was afraid of heights his response was.

"When we dropped on Bagdhad, some of my mates were blown out of the sky by Iraqi artillery!"

There hasn't been a combat drop since Suez in 1956!

[Fr.Bigley]

There hasn't been a combat drop since Suez in 1956!

Well your mate did, obviously.. your military history is poor.

[PaulTMA]

A drug casualty once told me that Tricky used to cut about Bristol as a child, stabbing people while wearing a dress.  How these historic allegations haven't come back to haunt him is rather impressive

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

I'd just got a new computer that ran the new and exciting Windows XP. My pal at the time tried to outdo me by claiming that his computer ran an even newer, faster and more exciting version called Windows ZQ. I can't remember what was special about Windows ZQ but he cleverly pre-empted me googling it by claiming that it was so rare and new that there was nothing about it on the internet.

[touchingcloth]

Me and Walter Mitty have been fucking for a while now.

[St_Eddie]

I've undoubtedly mentioned this before but I have a friend who did a bit of research for Four Lions. That is true. It was filmed in Sheffield and she is a Muslim and a former journalist, so the producers obviously got her name from somewhere.

But, boy did she make a meal of it! It was if she and Chris Morris were best mates and the film couldn't be made without her crucial input. They were practically writing the script together.

Man, I wish I could link to it but there's a fantastic bit in the 'making of' documentary for Magnolia where a guy is claiming all the credit for the theatrical poster because he suggested the flower idea to Paul Thomas Anderson and I think it's Philip Seymour Hoffman who punctuated his bullshit with a slighted eyed look towards him, as he says "yeah and he directed the film and all!" or something to that affect.  It's marvelous.

[Jumblegraws]

Had a serial bullshitter friend whose claims included:
- He was born in Chicago (this was true) and was the first white baby delivered at the hospital (obvious bullshit)
- His uncle invented the pedal bin but didn't patent it
- His mum's IQ was >200
- Drowning is quantifiably the most painful way to die. I've heard some nasty descriptions of hypoxic convulsions that make this central claim not too outlandish, what was bullshit was his explanation that the pain comes from your lungs literally exploding at the point just before death.
- He had never farted. In the split second before everyone laughed at him, he really seemed to think this was a credible claim.

He also believed every lurid urban myth going and would become become really angry if you tried to tell him otherwise. Being able to just bring up the relevant Snopes page on a mobile would have come in so handy back then.

[Sebastian Cobb]

My mum honestly claims she'd never farted until she met my dad.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

A kid that lived near me when I was young claimed, amongst other things, that he and his cousin and uncle had to abandon a camping/fishing trip, fleeing in terror, when a large group of Native Americans[nb]the actual term used is one which can't be used any more[/nb] were spotted at the top of a rise overlooking their chosen camping site.  I can't remember exactly where this was, but think it was possibly somewhere near Dumfries.

A different kid would say that he had a BMX bike with rocket blasters (sometimes it was just an engine, I think) that he had to keep at his gran's ('because you lot would wreck it').  He would also come out with pointless stuff that impressed no one, like 'my aunt has the tallest tree in the country in her garden'.

This sort of kid's stuff is par for the course, but I also knew an adult who claimed that he couldn't get any condoms big enough to fit his enormous cock.

[Sebastian Cobb]

There was a kid in one of the slightly richer villages who had quite a big garden, and to draw attention to this and show off a bit when playing in it he decided it was 'too far' to go back to the house for a shit so laid one in the shrubbery then wiped his arse with what he later discovered was poison ivy.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Dumdum bullets are the best way to carry out assassinations because there's a way to carve an X in a mathematically precise way on a regular bullet that when it hits the targets head it'll explode so perfectly right down to individual particles, turning a persons head into a fine mist and making any trace of the bullet invisible. Any assassination carried out this way is untraceable and sometimes doesn't even leave enough evidence for prosecution. The SAS do it stop terrorists all the time. My dad makes them in his shed.

[Stonefish]

On the topic of McVities Gold Bar biscuits, I'm ashamed to say a childhood friend convinced me they contained actual gold.

[touchingcloth]

On the topic of McVities Gold Bar biscuits, I'm ashamed to say a childhood friend convinced me they contained actual gold.

A known bullshitter of my acquaintance said that he had a mate who worked in the Golden Wonders factory and once a day an actual golden packet would come down the production line which someone was supposed to pickup and open to do a quality test with, and his mate was going to pinch one day's bag as a birthday present for him.

[Non Stop Dancer]

Never heard this one from the horse's mouth but had it relayed to me that a hardcase at school had surgery to insert a metal plate into his forehead so he could nut people harder.

[phes]

Mate at school said he had one of those TOMY digital pinball toys you could buy in Argos. Went round to play on it about 2-hours after school and he said that in the interim period it had been taken in for emergency repairs by the pinball repair man.

Went to Devon and my friend fell from rocks into the sea, crossing a small cove. None of us saw it happen because we'd gone round the point into the next bay. When he turned up piss wet he claimed he had seen the Chemical Brothers in a boat and waded out and met them