Author Topic: Has lockdown revealed your worse self, best self, or neither really, mate  (Read 1853 times)

I've seen a lot of articles about how the pandemic and lockdown has brought families closer together, strengthened relationships, showed the community-minded, sacrificial, heroic spirit of all of us who have had to work in our regular places of work; but also how it's turned us all into paranoid, conspiracy-fuelled, anxiety-ridden, social media addicted, child neglecting bastards.

Personally I think lockdown has brought out some of my worst traits, making me grimly realise that I'm not such a different person to who I was a decade or so ago. I've definitely said the worst things in arguments I've ever said over the last year and, while I've managed to generally keep this from the kids, found it difficult to get them away from their screens - a large amount of our boardgame collection tragically languishing in the cupboards.

At least, however, me and my partner haven't been routinely stabbing each other or halfway pushing each other out of the window just the couple a few houses down from us - who had the temerity to call the cops of kids for playing football in the street the other day!

How about you?

(On a positive, I managed to convince the largely stubborn and elderly congregation of the local Unitarians to move services online right around the start of the first lockdown before churches were made to do so. I reckon that saved/prolonged a few lives... though it has led to me becoming their defacto tech person for the whole year accidentally!)

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Yeah nothing has changed.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
pretty much still a procrastinating layabout, just more of a shut-in at the same time now.

shagatha crustie

  • Hung a star in the book of liars by your name
Don't know about best self but definitely a better self. Curbed the daily drinking. Realised the importance of saying no to things and valuing my own time/space. Stopped wallowing in self-pity and started working on new things.

Well the plague has forced me to live with my parents again and be separated from my girlfriend since December 2019 so it's definitely not strengthened any relationships for me, other than maybe with my wank claw.

Captain Z

  • Die Hard or Die Tryin'
pretty much still a procrastinating layabout, just more of a shut-in at the same time now.

This. With added procrastination.

An tSaoi

  • The Prodigal Cunt
It's made me less patient with bullshit, and much more crabby.

I don't have the energy to "put up with" wankers anymore. I just tell everyone to fuck off. Just fuck off.

Co-workers, the boss, dad, everyone. It's in a half-lighthearted tone, so I've got away with it so far.

Well the plague has forced me to live with my parents again and be separated from my girlfriend since December 2019 so it's definitely not strengthened any relationships for me, other than maybe with my wank claw.

yep pretty much identical here, parents + gf situation. though I managed to move out last month, thank fuck.

It's killed my social skills, my career, my will to create, my trust in other human beings and my self-confidence. So that'll be "worst self".

Def bumped my nihilism to off the chart levels with no real sense it's even worth battling against that. Can't imagine I'll be a very pleasant person to get to know when I'm actively trying to meet new people again when things settle, and I kind of need to rebuild my social network or I'll just get exponentially worse so it could be an issue.

It's _possible_ my expectations for everything have gotten so low that my social life actually picks up a bit though, less disenchanted when things that had a good chance of being shit turn out to be shit and the like.

Hasn't killed my career but I've very obviously stalled and can't be fucked picking things up again. That might change afterwards though and is somewhat connected to being in a bad place with mental health related work stuff when the pandemic started.





Can't think of much in the way of positives it has revealed tbh... There's probably some stuff about acceptance and growth and so on but I don't see it right now.

Cuellar

  • I'm over here
It's killed my social skills, my career, my will to create, my trust in other human beings and my self-confidence. So that'll be "worst self".

Ditto but oddly I see this as 'best self'

canadagoose

  • Member
  • **
  • inoperable brain bum hole
Worse, but it was happening anyway. Bloody pandemic.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing how easily I've found the last 12 months. The first six of them I was pretty much entirely alone and didn't have an actual face-to-face conversation for about three months - all great, no sweat. Perhaps telling that my amount of time spent gaming went through the roof, must have scored at least 1000 trophies on the PS4 in the last year and felt a nice pang of satisfaction of time well spent.

My manager, a month ago, wrote me a lovely letter praising my work over this period as well. Hadn't thought I'd done anything special, but it was apparently noted by the higher-ups.

If it wasn't for not seeing my parents/nephews all this time, 2020 might have gone down as one of my favourite years, which is a terrible thing to say when countless people have died and numerous others are miserable as fuck. The return of epileptic seizures a couple of weeks ago may well be karmic retribution for this mindset.

I've been pretty unhappy for a lot of it and I really don't enjoy full-time working from home, but in some ways it's made me give less of a fuck about what people think of me, which is something I normally struggle with quite a lot.

I'm definitely less reticent about speaking my mind at work - maybe being behind a laptop screen gives me a false sense of bravado, who knows? And I've got involved in initiatives within my industry to improve diversity and employee rights and the like (on that note, I find I'm generally getting more impassioned about social causes and feeling moved to act on it - most of the time currently, my general mood is either a bit shit or just sort of flatlining, so anything that sparks any sort of righteous anger is actually quite invigorating).

Also (and a lot of my single friends have said the same thing), although it's not exactly a great time to be single, it's actually been quite refreshing to not have people constantly asking "So how's your love life?" or "You're so MYSTERIOUS, when are we going to meet a boyfriend of yours?" and all that invasive bollocks, because they know it's simply not an option at the moment. Which I think has helped me to reassess my deep-rooted insecurity around all that, so hopefully that's something I can retain.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Quite sad to know everyone is doing so bad internally during lockdown.

Quite sad to know everyone is doing so bad internally during lockdown.

That's kind of you - I think everyone has better and worse days, and it can hinge on any number of factors. Personally, lockdown has been a significant contrast to my previous life, and lots of the stuff I'd sort of based my identity around has gone (for now at least), so I'm sort of questioning who I am and grieving my old self without knowing if or when it'll return, if that doesn't sound too dramatic. Even other interests which in theory I can still enjoy (reading, writing, drawing, listening to music, cooking) are a struggle because my focus and motivation are shot to shit without the normal routines, changes of scene and stimuli of being around and interacting with people.

However, as this thread has prompted me to consider, there are definitely some positive things I've taken from it, and I'm also very conscious that I could have had things far, FAR worse.

As someone who is hermetic by nature, it's impacted me less than most, I believe.  I miss not being able to spend mornings reading in a coffee shop or cafe, though.


Lockdown has revealed my fat self and I fucking hate myself for eating so much over the last year.

buttgammon

  • Magnums (Magna)
Although I felt I was coping well for a long time, I think it has brought out my worst instincts to some extent. Around Christmas, I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown and just had the sense of everything catching up with me. Luckily, I'm doing much better now but just seeing how edgy I can be in public, I realise it's brought out my anger, particularly at the people who are jeopardising things for the rest of us either by peddling conspiracy nonsense or by simply not following the most basic guidelines. The main thing that has stopped me from snapping in public is seeing how aggressive other people can be. I've had people demand I take my mask off and have been threatened twice - once for having the window open on the bus (on a mild evening) and the other time for asking someone not to get in the lift with me. The second guy ran into me when I was coming back from shopping months after the event and started screaming abuse and threats at me again, all in front of his terrified child.

I've had people demand I take my mask off and have been threatened twice - once for having the window open on the bus (on a mild evening) and the other time for asking someone not to get in the lift with me. The second guy ran into me when I was coming back from shopping months after the event and started screaming abuse and threats at me again, all in front of his terrified child.

Sorry to read that - the second instance is pretty grim.

buttgammon

  • Magnums (Magna)
Sorry to read that - the second instance is pretty grim.

Yeah, it was very grim. I tried to stay calm as possible and said nothing except "calm down, you're in front of your child" but he just kept on and on. He seemed off his face both times; another thing I've noticed over the pandemic which may be related is that Dublin has gone from having a major heroin problem to having a major heroin and crack problem. On the plus side, reading between the lines, I don't think he lives here and had the impression he was dropping his daughter off after having access.

Although I felt I was coping well for a long time, I think it has brought out my worst instincts to some extent. Around Christmas, I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown and just had the sense of everything catching up with me. Luckily, I'm doing much better now but just seeing how edgy I can be in public, I realise it's brought out my anger, particularly at the people who are jeopardising things for the rest of us either by peddling conspiracy nonsense or by simply not following the most basic guidelines. The main thing that has stopped me from snapping in public is seeing how aggressive other people can be. I've had people demand I take my mask off and have been threatened twice - once for having the window open on the bus (on a mild evening) and the other time for asking someone not to get in the lift with me. The second guy ran into me when I was coming back from shopping months after the event and started screaming abuse and threats at me again, all in front of his terrified child.

May I ask what setting you were in when peopled demanded you take off your mask?

I've lost my grandmother and my mother during lockdown, both COVID. I do get very angry about that and all the other nonsense about but it turns into depressive episodes rather than me ranting and raving. Luckily I've not had anything said to me directly or I might have taken the bait.

Get no exercise at all as opposed to hardly any. See people never as opposed to once or twice a year. Other than that can't think of anything. You'd have to ask other people how I am to really know for sure.

On the plus side I'll be unemployed in a few weeks. I'm refusing to see any down side to it as my job isn't that well paid or interesting and nearly 7 years at the same company is a record for me anyway so well past time to move on.

Yeah, it was very grim. I tried to stay calm as possible and said nothing except "calm down, you're in front of your child" but he just kept on and on. He seemed off his face both times; another thing I've noticed over the pandemic which may be related is that Dublin has gone from having a major heroin problem to having a major heroin and crack problem. On the plus side, reading between the lines, I don't think he lives here and had the impression he was dropping his daughter off after having access.

Jesus! Where in Dublin? Must remember to avoid there.

It's weird. In some respects I'm doing much better than I was pre-lockdown, but I don't think I like myself as much. I feel like the issue is less to do with lockdown and more to do with parenthood tbh. I didn't really have any expectations of myself before I became a parent, other than to avoid becoming homeless, seriously hurting anyone, or dying at a young age due to my own carelessness or negligence. Now I have much greater expectations of what my son's dad should be like, so I do much better than I used to, but I don't reach my expectations so I don't like myself. Eureka, who needs therapy. Now how do I start liking myself

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

  • So much better than your daydream heroes
I am another one for whom lockdown has been shamefully easy. I'm not lazy as such, but I am very passive/reactive. Some friends have really been missing socialising down the pub and whatnot, but I'm perfectly happy sitting in front of the telly night after night. I'm sure I would have had a harder time of it if I lived alone, but I get on well with my housemates, so not seeing my family and friends for months hasn't been a problem either.

buttgammon

  • Magnums (Magna)
May I ask what setting you were in when peopled demanded you take off your mask?

I've lost my grandmother and my mother during lockdown, both COVID. I do get very angry about that and all the other nonsense about but it turns into depressive episodes rather than me ranting and raving. Luckily I've not had anything said to me directly or I might have taken the bait.

Very sorry to hear that. If it's this infuriating for those of us who haven't been directly affected, I can't imagine what it's like for you. Every time this happened, it was a stranger on the street. One of them was shouting it at everyone who walked past.

Jesus! Where in Dublin? Must remember to avoid there.

I live in the far South-West and to be fair, it's fine here; my building is normally quiet, so it was especially shocking to see someone go so apeshit in here.

I can't be more specific than saying the bloke seemed like he was "on something" but something I've observed over the last year is crack getting a foothold in Dublin, which is odd because I simply didn't realise it was a thing here. I work in the inner city and people have started smoking it in the alleyway down the back of the office - there have also been a few break-in attempts recorded on CCTV. In the same area, I've seen people smoking what I assume is crack out and about a few times and over the last month or so, I've seen lots of graffiti saying things like "so and so will fuck for rock" with a phone number. They're presumably malicious in intent, but the fact that it's enough of a thing to get mentioned says something.

Been in my element tbh

GoblinAhFuckScary

  • still freaks my nut to this day
less emotionally unstable and outbursty on the outside but a crazy fucking bitch on the inside now. ebbs n flows eh

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