Who's the best at toilet

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I count myself out here not going to be in the elite performers.

Who's the best at toilet? Is it you? Fuck off come on then, prove it

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Oh it's me. Got my veg, fruit, and fibre dialled in exactly. Even the biggest poo is absolutely effortless. No straining.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Modesty forbids me from saying exactly where this occurred, but there was once a public convenience which was to be awarded the 'Best Toilet on the Peninsula' gold medal the very next day. You had to pay 20p to enter, and they used the proceeds to fund a rigorous cleaning regime. I went in there and shat the place up so thoroughly that not only did they have to cancel the award ceremony the next day, and the celebs who were due to attend, but they had to bulldoze the whole toilet block forthwith in the hope that the site could eventually be allowed to return to nature.

[Ferris]

I'm with Shoulders I think, will have to sit this one out (no pun intended).

I'm a journeyman shitter - there to do a job but doubt I can hack it with the top tier.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The variety of my poos makes me excellent at toilet.

[GMTV]

Everyone jealous at the umpires. To think they get paid for it as well.

[The Mollusk]

Honestly did a shit this morning that was about 30cm long without breaking. When it eventually crimped off it slumped against the inside of the toilet bowl, about 15cm above the waterline, like an ugly snake knackered from a big morning yoga stretch after a heavy night on the snake beers. I heard it go *schlap* against the porcelain and I knew I'd birthed something magnificent. It was the one time I didn't have my phone on me though so I was unable to capture photographic evidence. But, like its elusive mythologised brethren the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Jandek, it definitely exists, it's fucking massive and it stinks.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The young man here thinks that only the length makes him best at toilet

[Ferris]

It was the one time I didn't have my phone on me though so I was unable to capture photographic evidence.

[The Mollusk]

The young man here thinks that only the length makes him best at toilet

I refuse to be drawn into another race row about this.

[hamfist]

Daley Thompson

- Daily as in regular ☑️
- Fast ☑️
- Thompson ☑️

[Replies From View]

Would prefer it if he was gradually moulding his chin into a sharper and sharper point.


Nice though.  A very sensory video.

[chveik]

Gary Toilet

[Poobum]

I can shit out my arse straight into my dick then pipe it out in perfect spirals like a lovely ganache filling.

[Replies From View]

I can shit out my arse straight into my dick then pipe it out in perfect spirals like a lovely ganache filling.

Not in covid times.  Garden sprinkler these days am I right?

[Fambo Number Mive]

I do love watching World's Best Toileter on Channel Five. You can really hear those spincters ping.

[idunnosomename]

brewing up a whopper right now in memory of Duke Philip. will update in due course.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Close the thread, I just effortlessly laid an 18-incher that only needed two wipes.

[Replies From View]

Close the thread, I just effortlessly laid an 18-incher that only needed two wipes.

This isn't even good.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's a reflection on society that kids these days think best at toilet means best individual shit. It's so much more than that.

[Replies From View]

It is at least three more than that.  At least four more, I would say.



What you don't see anymore, and this is with any of your senses I mean, like for example your 'sense of eyes', is you don't see anymore these societal gatherings, all reaches of society itself from the feudal classes to the mud eaters, you don't see them shitting together anymore do you.  All straining their anuses together to fuse faecal matter at the kissing point and then stepping forward like those guys in westerns.  First one to finish has to turn around and grin to the adoring crowd, and that shit was society's shit wasn't it, not just the winner's.  You remember.


Feels like it wasn't so long ago that it didn't matter who had laid the ginormous cable all along the high street and up towards the roof of the wickermore estate.  It didn't matter because it was society's shit, society did that shit and society could leave it there if it wanted.  There was no blame, only understanding.  Understanding, love and plenty of society's own raw shit


When was the last time you even heard the phrase "society's shit"?  Tell me.  I bet it was before Thatcher came along.  Came along didn't she and made us own all of our shit privately.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

the ginormous cable all along the high street

No it was The Battle of Cable St.

Happy to come here to correct the record.

[Replies From View]

No it was The Battle of Cable St.

Happy to come here to correct the record.

Ah yeah I know what you're thinking of.  There's the one everyone knows about even when they are not experts, and that's the Battle of Cable St. one, and there's the one that you only really know about when you are a scholar on the subject and that's the one I was talking about.

So both are true!  We are both right, well done!!

[idunnosomename]

Beautiful black gunk. Guinness and black pudding. Dropped like a depth charge. Boom. RIP Prince Philip.

[Replies From View]

Rinse Philip; that's what I say.

[Fambo Number Mive]

I can shit out my arse straight into my dick then pipe it out in perfect spirals like a lovely ganache filling.

Didn't I see you on Britain's Got Talent?

[Huxleys Babkins]

Can't remember the last time I shit myself.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Actually, forget it, it was last Wednesday.

[Poobum]

Didn't I see you on Britain's Got Talent?

Bake Off actually. My glazed buns "incident" was the reason Sandi Toksvig quit. Wasn't even aiming for her!

[Replies From View]

britains got armpits more like!