False rumours and tall tales that persist about yourself

[23 Daves]

Now, I'm not starting this thread for people to bang on about blackmail campaigns or unpleasantness (though I'm sure there may be some of that) but...

I'm always interested in the falsehoods that surround people.  We're expected to believe, of course, that rumours only float around famous people through the likes of the National Enquirer, but the truth is very different.  In your social groups, the workplace and in education, tales get told and get exaggerated through each person's wittering until they become something preposterous when you finally hear them repeated back through some acquaintance.

I'll give you an example - at school, it was widely claimed that I had my first sexual experience with a girl on a camping trip aged 14.  Now, I'd love to be able to claim this was true, but all she actually did (for a joke) is pull my shorts down.  It was a vigorous tug, and she may have got a flash of my arse and indeed my winky, but to claim that she then "tossed me off" (as popular rumour had it) was a ridiculous OTT version of the story.  And what did I do, at the peak of adolescent judgements when such things were respected?  I denied it completely.  For reasons that remain unfathomable to me, only my closest friends at the time believed my correct version of events.  The rest of the school just thought I was protesting too much, and that it had to be true.  

At university, there was also a particularly persistent rumour that I had for many months wasted my time on writing and developing a stage musical about student life in our educational establishment, which I'd scrapped when I'd realised it was a preposterous and self-indulgent idea.  In reality, this rumour stemmed from the fact that someone engaged me in conversation in one of my first final year seminars and asked me what my final year theatre project plans were.  I didn't have any ideas, so told them as a (slightly poker faced) joke that the above-described musical was in the offing, complete with dancing professors and lecturers brandishing canes and holding up cards spelling the university's name.  Sadly, I picked a rather low watt bulb of an actress to make this flippant, unfunny comment to, and she probably didn't listen to what I was saying properly, meaning I then had to spend the next six months denying to everyone that the idea had ever even seriously crossed my mind.  

Any more?

[Cerys]

I was once told that I was known as a 'man eater' in my social circle - this despite the fact that at the time I'd been celibate for about four years.  I was also believed, some time earlier, to be a lesbian by many of my work colleagues - even though my boyfriend at the time walked me to work every day.  Cuh.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

There was a boy at my secondary school who seemed to generate such rumours just by existing. It seemed like it was his sole purpose in life, to make up ridiculous bullshit that inexplicably, everyone believe or at least spread around. The most bizarre was when he saw a picture of my dad on an identity card of his which I'd scanned in for a school project on identity cards. My dad has dark hair, a beard and glasses, and he knew my mum is Irish. Somehow, on seeing the photo, he combined these facts and identified my dad as Gerry Adams. This then became "Robin's dad is in the IRA.". Bizarre.

Another rumour he rather alarmingly managed to spread was that I watched porn on the laptop I used in classes to type on. Word of this actually got round to teachers, who never seemed to fully trust me with it after that.

[kenneth trousers]

Another rumour he rather alarmingly managed to spread was that I watched porn on the laptop I used in classes to type on. Word of this actually got round to teachers, who never seemed to fully trust me with it after that.

A laptop not unlike the one used by Kenneth Trousers, aged 14

[Cerys]

Filthy.  Have you no shame?

[El Unicornio, mang]

Everyone thinks I'm gay

[A Passing Turk Slipper]

You mean you're not?
Well. Someone had to say it.

[Cerys]

Everyone thinks I'm gay

It's the polo-necks, isn't it?

[hands cold, liver warm]

Everyone thinks I'm gay

It's the humping men, isn't it?

the persistent rumour about me at school  was that I ran away from home during the summer holidays and slept rough in manchester.

it didn't actually happen but I've a fear that sleeping rough in manchester may be my only future

[didgeripoo]

When I started in my current job I was chatting to my team leader about a few of the acting jobs I'd done when I was younger.

For the sake of trivia and general casual chattiness I told him that I'd auditioned to be the Milky Bar Kid when I was about 7 years old (I didn't get the job). This immediately became "HEY EVERYONE!!! JON'S THE MILKY BAR KID!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

I endured about 5 months of people from all over the company shouting "The Milky Bars are ON ME!!!!!" and seriously asking whether I'd got loads of free milky bars.

Oh how I laughed towards the end of that period.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

We all laughed when a rumour went round that some twat in our year had pissed over a girl when he'd tried so hard to come he *pushed* a little bit too much. This rumour I believe was spread around by the girl in question, so most likely he just called her a bitch or something. Rumours at school were totally fucking stupid.

"If you eat a whole bombay bad boy, it has the same effect as a steroid."

"Polo's make you impotent so eat a whole packet before sex."

"That tetanus needle is a foot long and goes through the bone."

[Banana Woofwoof]

I had very long periods off school for sick reasons and I think I died about six times.  Once, I indulged in a lesbian satanic ritual with my friend and it all went wrong.  That one was interesting when it got back to me.  I was always hearing my own obituaries.  Now in Belfast there's plenty of rumours of why I "ran away" to London.  Apparently I buggered off to have an illegitimate child.  The truth, as ever, is far more dull.

[Annie_Hall]

Everyone in my school thought I was sleeping with the Music teacher...

...I wasn't, but my mate was.  Pitty.

[Jemble Fred]

I like the fact that people that don't know me think that I'm some form of Stephen Fry disciple and walk around wearing a mask of his face. SO far off the mark I can't do anything but laugh. It seems to be the ultimate 'come back' to anything I say. It would have carried a bit more weight when I was 15, but not now – He can be as annoying as any media figure.

No such thing as heroes – Cook, Milligan, McCartney, whoever – they're all cunts like the rest of us.

[TotalNightmare]

In my secondary school, people thought that i used to have a problem with women and that i beat up a girlfriend once.

This was untrue.

I actually kicked a girl between the legs when i was 8 when she was picking on my little sister.

Somehow that small incident grew into the rumour i mentioned.

I do have a problem with women though...

[Purple Tentacle]

That I enjoy meeting new people.  I don't.  A lot of new people are absolute wankers, but people are too stupid to notice my signs like looking over their shoulders while they're talking, or playing with beermats, or muttering "christ" under my breath.

"Oh you MUST come to fucking School Disco with us, a load of my mates are hilariously and brilliantly dressing up as 12 year olds and painting freckles on their faces, you LOVE meeting new people!"


I "died" at school as well, I got an unpleasent rash called Scarletina which got me off school for a few days. This got mistranslated as "Scarlet Fever", and "lying on the sofa playing Mario and discovering the joys of wanking for the first time" became "dead".

[Lady Beaner]

That I punched someone on the day of my father's funeral!  Classic.  That got around the gossiping old aunts in about 2 seconds flat! Yeh, I was a TEENY WEENY bit pissed off, funny that, but I didn't punch anyone.  Though I wanted to!

That I 'deflowered' one of the young studio runners working on the same tv programme as I was about 6 years ago.  Reality was, we got drunk, smoked lots and copped off.  I wanted to shag him though.  That was the only rumour that I wished was true!

I have to mention a rumour that WAS true though. I was involved, though it wasn't just about me.  At school, aged 15, sat at the back of my chemistry class with my then best mate, Ciaran.  We got a bit bored and started rooting around the cupboards behind our lab desk, whilst the teacher was out of the room. Ciaran pokes his lanky arm in the back of one cupboard and shouts 'Whats this?!' and I swear to god, pulled out a 12 inch red, veiny rubber cock from the cupboard.  My reaction?  I screamed.  

Cue science teacher running back in wondering what the fuck was going on. The rest of the class were sat with their mouths open, whilst Ciaran has a look of pure horror on his face whilst wielding his new found schlong friend.  Teacher calming walks up to Ciaran, takes the appendage out of his hand and walks out of the classroom with it.  No idea what happened to it after that!

No matter how many people we all tried to tell about it after the class, no fucker believed us!  Ahhh, gutted.  I might mention is on friendsreunited and see what happens!

Sorry, carry on...

[Lee]

At the start of college someone started a rumour that I was a heroin addict. Ironic really, because one of our teachers actually was one for a few years. Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

[Cliche Guevara]

Rumours at school were totally fucking stupid.

"If you eat a whole bombay bad boy, it has the same effect as a steroid."

"Polo's make you impotent so eat a whole packet before sex."

"That tetanus needle is a foot long and goes through the bone."

"If you listen to an education tape in your sleep you'll remember everything."

This rumour spread around our school about a lad being caught taking a wank by a teacher on a school trip in Italy. I recently heard what actually happened from someone who was there though - "He went to the toilet and was just there for quite a long time so people started coming to conclusions."

[TotalNightmare]

"If you listen to an education tape in your sleep you'll remember everything."

Maybe not everything but...

...the thing there is that, for my GCSE's i remember actually putting all my revision notes on to a tape to listen to when i was sleeping.

Whether it worked or not, i cannot say, but i did manage to bag a few A and A* grades out of the experience. SO maybe there is something to it!

[Jemble Fred]

The whole first act of King Lear is indelibly stuck in my head thanks to going to sleep listening to it.

It's not an exact science, but it's not a myth either.

[Mr. Analytical]

When I was doing my MA a rumour spread round that I suppported myself by running a german swinging network centerred on Dusseldorf.  the first I heard about it was when some bloke came up and asked me if he could join.  It turned out that it was just a bloke on the course who thought it would be funny to spread the rumour.

When I met my GF and we decided to get physical I told a friend of mine at uni that I'd gone to Waitrose and bought nothing but squirty cream, chocolate syrup and condoms (which was true).  What was funny though was hearing it back from another guy who'd heard it through a senior and well respected philosopher of science.

I also got a reputation for being a practicing satanist and nutcase in my local roleplaying community.  Basically in game I decided to try sacrificing a child to get us out of a sticky situation... this then morphed into my really sacrificing animals and worshipping satan.  It was quite cool actually because everywhere I went for one summer my reputation had proceded me and I was met with cries of "that was you?".

[Bingo Fury]

I found out a few months ago about a rumour that I'd shagged Nigella Lawson. I can understand how it started, through a sort of "Chinese Whispers" process, but to find that this story had been bubbling away for years without me knowing was quite a shock. Cool thing to find out about yourself, though.

[Harfyyn Teuport]

Re; Cliche's story. Said young man now lives opposite me in Dublin, and I never really knew him at school, he's a lovely bloke though, it must have tainted his reputation with those who did know him and believed it.

Due to a two-way pact with my friend Sarah, we both agreed to create a suitable air of mystique around the other because we felt a bit bored - and boring - one day last year. Since, I have spread a convincing history of her life as an olympic gymnast up til the age of 13 years old, at which point she broke her ankle at the Stockholm European Athletics Championships. For her part in the bargain, lots of people now think I'm a world class archer.

The handy thing about both is that they're both somewhat interesting and unusual - and in th case of archery, just plain fucking cool - and not necessarily things we ever could prove or disprove.

Of course I do live in fear of all these halfmates who've heard the rumour inviting me to hit an apple off their heads when I'm drunk.

[Purple Tentacle]

I found out a few months ago about a rumour that I'd shagged Nigella Lawson.

What was it like?

[Lee]

It can't have been that good if he didn't even know he'd done it. I'm sure he's more of a Delia man.

[Bingo Fury]

It can't have been that good if he didn't even know he'd done it. I'm sure he's more of a Delia man.

Sure. Delia Derbyshire.

[23 Daves]

This rumour spread around our school about a lad being caught taking a wank by a teacher on a school trip in Italy. I recently heard what actually happened from someone who was there though - "He went to the toilet and was just there for quite a long time so people started coming to conclusions."

Christ, that rumour spread about me around one office I worked in.  

Bascially, what happened was I worked with a bunch of - erm - rather challenging (and incredibly stupid) teenage girls in Aldershot.  Towards the end of my time there, I used to actually go to the toilet cubicle and stay there for a few minutes to get away from them and cool down a bit, because it was really getting to the stage where I was about to absolutely verbally lay into them and give them a few home truths.  Obviously, this wouldn't have done the rest of my temp contract a lot of good, and at that point I badly needed the money more than I needed my dignity.

Anyhow, obviously the rumour began that I was going into the gents regularly for a wank.  Whether they thought I was masturbating over thoughts about them or not I know not, but I have to say the reality of the situation was that I was more likely to be fantasising about decapitating them, quite honestly.  

They were all laid off two months after I left, which made me chuckle.

[Jemble Fred]

I was more likely to be fantasising about decapitating them, quite honestly.  

Ah. One of those wanks.

[petula dusty]

I found out from my in-laws that my husband told them my dad was killed in the Birmingham pub bombings when actually he died of cancer in 1976.

He also didn't tell them I was pregnant until I'd had the baby.

He's now my ex-husband.