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Steven Seagal

Started by Dr Rock, April 11, 2021, 09:15:29 AM

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Dr Rock

I love anything or anyone ripping the piss out of this ridiculous man and his increasingly cheap and laughable movies. I won't link these, as a quick YouTube search will get you to them. CumTown have slaughtered him. Tom Segura has a good bit about him. ralphthemoviemaker has covered his later films. But I want more, if it's out there. Please share any observations, or links to anyone else laughing at this clown or his oeuvre.


PlanktonSideburns

Behind the bastards has an interesting podcast about him, which goes into lots of details of his sordid little life, including many of the rape allegations. May not be the laugh riot you're after, but I think it's worth remembering what a total cunt he is along side being a clown

I think Out for Justice is a genuinely good film, a lean, nasty 70s style thriller with all sorts of New York neighborhood texture and colour. Seagal's accent is still utterly ridiculous in it though, and the dog subplot is a baffling inclusion, can only assume that was Seagal's doing.

timebug

There was a good joke in an episode of the fairly poor series 'Rules of Engagement' where one of the main male leads was watching this clowns films in chronological order. He falls asleep,and on waking says something like' Jeez! this guy can't act for monkeynuts...and he just gets fatter as time goes by'.
Made me laugh because I could never stand the git anyway!

PlanktonSideburns

My brother put his album on in work the other day. Honkin

bgmnts

Sammy Gravano told a Steven Seagal story on his podcast thing recently about how he broke down in tears in his dealings with the FBI and the agents had to hug him and calm him down.

Quite funny.

Dr Rock

Quote from: bgmnts on April 11, 2021, 10:43:13 AM
Sammy Gravano told a Steven Seagal story on his podcast thing recently about how he broke down in tears in his dealings with the FBI and the agents had to hug him and calm him down.

Quite funny.

Haha, how do I hear this?

edit - found it
https://youtu.be/nu3XeWvYAtM

greenman

The old chessnut of Gene LeBell choking him until he shit his pants of course, a real martial artists vs a guy who was sleeping with the bosses daughter in a mostly bollocks one.

I think you could argue the early stuff holds up a bit better than Van Dam from the same era which still had a lot of that "American ninja samurai marine" style robotic fight chorography and bad editing. Jean Claude though I think clearly surpassed him post Under Seige with Universal Solider, Hard Target, Time Cop, etc.

Egyptian Feast

Confirmation of the choke hold story.

The last time I saw him in a film he was gigantic, and spent most of his time behind a desk, while Luke Goss did all the action stuff.

greenman

I remember seeing a brief scene from that film with Tyson were people seemed to be being paid to run into an overweight Steves fist.

An tSaoi

Quote from: Egyptian Feast on April 11, 2021, 11:49:35 AM
The last time I saw him in a film he was gigantic, and spent most of his time behind a desk, while Luke Goss did all the action stuff.

I don't think he even does his voice any more; he's dubbed over whenever he can't be bothered to say his lines. Basically he stands there for the closeups and that's it.

John Leguizamo rates him highly:

QuoteIt was 1995. Leguizamo was starting rehearsals for Executive Decision, an action thriller starring Kurt Russell, Halle Berry, Oliver Platt, and, deep sigh, Steven Seagal.

"The first day of rehearsal," Leguizamo recalled, "there was the director (Stuart Baird), Joe Morton, B.D. Wong, Oliver Platt—we're all big actors, we're all big boys, we're all experienced." Then Seagal walked in, apparently announcing "I'm in command. What I say is law." That's when Leguizamo made the biggest mistake that a person can make when a middle aged man with a ponytail takes himself seriously out loud — he snorted.

"So I started laughing ," Leguizamo continued, "and he slammed me with an aikido elbow against a brick wall and knocked all the air out of me. I dropped to the ground, and all I could say was, (gasping) 'Why? Why?'"

Unsurprisingly, the stand up comic and future Ice Age sloth had vengeance in his heart. Also unsurprisingly, he felt uncomfortable telling Seagal that "He runs like a girl," citing the fact that he also "hits like a 6-foot-5 dude who has trained his whole life." And so he partook in that oldest and noblest of comedian revenge schemes: he snorted some more.

More specifically, he waited until Seagal was set to shoot his death scene, then soaked up every second of it. "On the days when we shot the scene where he died, I showed up so early," he said. "I wanted to see him die. It was like a fantasy."

Read More: https://www.grunge.com/237353/the-bizarre-reason-steven-seagal-once-attacked-john-leguizamo/?utm_campaign=clip

Dr Rock

I saw one of his later films movies recently, and it was cheap as fuck and Seagal rarely stood up or did any action, and in the middle there's a bit where they travel via a Lockheed Blackbird. Loving shots of it reversing to take off, aerial shots of it refueling etc. Puzzling I thought, could this movie afford this? No, all of it was taken from another non-Seagal movie.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 11, 2021, 09:28:23 AM
Behind the bastards has an interesting podcast about him, which goes into lots of details of his sordid little life, including many of the rape allegations. May not be the laugh riot you're after, but I think it's worth remembering what a total cunt he is along side being a clown
Robert Evans is joined by the Internet's very own Seanbaby for this two-part episode.

Marked for Death is another early classic.

Dr Rock

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 11, 2021, 09:28:23 AM
Behind the bastards has an interesting podcast about him, which goes into lots of details of his sordid little life, including many of the rape allegations. May not be the laugh riot you're after, but I think it's worth remembering what a total cunt he is along side being a clown

I'm loving this. Well, apart from the vile sexual assaults and human trafficking. Total slime.

St_Eddie


Gulftastic

Under Siege though, eh lads? eh?

And to a lesser extent, Under Siege 2, eh?


Ant Farm Keyboard

Quote from: Egyptian Feast on April 11, 2021, 11:49:35 AM
Confirmation of the choke hold story.

The last time I saw him in a film he was gigantic, and spent most of his time behind a desk, while Luke Goss did all the action stuff.

If they did a video game adaptation of his later work, it would basically consists in a Metal Gear Solid clone where you can move your character for five seconds and try to have your paunch blocked by a pillar, a table, a flower pot or another piece of scenery.

One reviewer wrote about Contract to Kill, "There is a love scene—and, Jesus, what a love scene. His fully dressed body is lowered over a naked woman like a drawbridge," the aforementioned unclothed woman being noted British thespian Jemma Dallender.

https://film.avclub.com/contract-to-kill-isn-t-just-bad-it-s-steven-seagal-bad-1798189772

Contract to Kill, with its anti-Obama and pro-Russian rants, or his action scenes that consist of sped-up footage of him shaking his hands, is quite glorious. Here's the scene where the evil Islamists, allied with evil Mexican drug-smugglers, allied with evil CIA officials appointed by the Obama administration, make a plane explode over proudly Russian Crimea (in a blatant attempt at rewriting the history of the Malaysia Airlines Flight shot in Ukraine.

https://imgur.com/Kdetebt

Quote from: An tSaoi on April 11, 2021, 11:54:53 AM
I don't think he even does his voice any more; he's dubbed over whenever he can't be bothered to say his lines. Basically he stands there for the closeups and that's it.

It's actually even better than that. He can't be bothered to do ADR, and he presumably picked a "sound-alike" voice to dub him, while this voice is much deeper than his. He had a couple of projects that went through intensive rewrites in post. They originally involved aliens, which later, at Seagal's request, were turned into drug traffickers and mind-control devices. The result? Scenes that go back and forth between the two voices.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YXl5uh2CLs

El Unicornio, mang

Genuinely thought he was the coolest guy in the world when I was about 13-14 and was getting my Dad to rent me Nico, Hard to Kill, etc from the local video shop. I must have still thought he was good as late as age 15 as I distinctly remember having a birthday "party" with my mates where we watched Under Siege (double bill with T2).

Goldentony

That scene in Out For Justice where he barges into a pub going ANYBODY SEEN RICHIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EHHHH ANYBODY SEEEEN RICHIEEEEE fucking snaps a load of peoples arms and fucks off going IMA KEEP COMIN ROOOOOUND TIL SOMEBODY SEEES RICHIE

elliszeroed

The book by Vern, Seagalogy: The Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal is a classic in Seagal studies.

He has not been in any of the Expendable films.

monkfromhavana

Wasn't he one of those actors lured (in Seagal's case, probably not very hard) into sleeping with a legal age girl in Moldova whilst filming but would be illegal in America so he could be used as pro-Putin stooge (again, not that he'd care).

Or was all that proved to be some mad conspiracy theory?

PlanktonSideburns

I thought people like him and the limp bizkit bloke just went over there as it was an environment where fat old has beens could still live like rockstar abusers and get away with it

Probably wishes for the situation you describe

BeardFaceMan

Quote from: elliszeroed on April 12, 2021, 08:39:07 AM
The book by Vern, Seagalogy: The Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal is a classic in Seagal studies.

He has not been in any of the Expendable films.

Probably because of this type of thing -

Quote from: Sylvester Stallone
At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard.  Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again

MojoJojo

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 11, 2021, 09:28:23 AM
Behind the bastards has an interesting podcast about him, which goes into lots of details of his sordid little life, including many of the rape allegations. May not be the laugh riot you're after, but I think it's worth remembering what a total cunt he is along side being a clown

I was going to mention this - he gets a two parter.

A side note - in the Duterte episode he mentions Seagal meeting him and getting an award, and Seagal saying he goes to the Philippines a lot, and Robert is pretty clear it's probably for the reason you'd expect a sex pest to go to the Phillipines for. But I don't think he brings it up in the actual Seagal episode - not enough evidence? Or did I just doze off during that bit.

A list of Steven Seagal's friends:
Vladmir Putin
Rodrigo Duterte
Alexander Lukashenko


An tSaoi

Quote from: Ant Farm Keyboard on April 11, 2021, 06:36:28 PM
It's actually even better than that. He can't be bothered to do ADR, and he presumably picked a "sound-alike" voice to dub him, while this voice is much deeper than his. He had a couple of projects that went through intensive rewrites in post. They originally involved aliens, which later, at Seagal's request, were turned into drug traffickers and mind-control devices. The result? Scenes that go back and forth between the two voices.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YXl5uh2CLs

Wow. A thing of beauty.

Why don't they just dub him the whole time for consistency?


jofo

#27
here ya' go, man I love to laugh at this fucking jackass.

Stephen Tobolowsky on working with Steven Seagal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cUNU8GkMso

also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzIHyF7UWY4

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: jofo on April 23, 2021, 11:02:34 AM
here ya' go, man I love to laugh at this fucking jackass.

Stephen Tobolowsky on working with Steven Seagal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cUNU8GkMso

Ta, that really made me laugh. Tobolowsky is such a great raconteur.

oy vey

Quote from: MojoJojo on April 12, 2021, 12:08:03 PM
I was going to mention this - he gets a two parter.

A side note - in the Duterte episode he mentions Seagal meeting him and getting an award, and Seagal saying he goes to the Philippines a lot, and Robert is pretty clear it's probably for the reason you'd expect a sex pest to go to the Phillipines for. But I don't think he brings it up in the actual Seagal episode - not enough evidence? Or did I just doze off during that bit.

A list of Steven Seagal's friends:
Vladmir Putin
Rodrigo Duterte
Alexander Lukashenko

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cllle4Kyqoo