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Nightmare housemates

Started by GoblinAhFuckScary, April 12, 2021, 12:28:54 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

#30
Quote from: non capisco on April 13, 2021, 11:37:23 AM
I'm fixated on the detail in Shoulders' post about someone putting bread in the toilet. If I woke up in the morning and saw bread in the toilet I think I'd conclude that I was having some kind of neurological episode and next thing would be me squeezing the toothpaste tube and a load of bees coming out.

In some ways it was as distractingly unexpected as finding bloody hand marks stretching along the upper walls near the ceiling, up the bannisters to the bathroom and all over the shower curtain.

Because, cheap brown bread crusts floating on toilet water. Fucking grim.

turnstyle

First place I move into was a house share with 4 other people. They seemed okay. The most unassuming was Mike. Mike was about 30, and living in the house share as he was recently separated from his wife and daughter. He was quiet, but pleasant. Pure Mike. Sometimes he'd go into town, Mike would, with his mates, Mike's mates, and have a few jars of ale.

And sometimes, when he was in the pub, he'd score some coke from somewhere. Maybe from one of Mike's mates. And then he would come back to the house in the small hours, Mike would, and quietly make his way upstairs, sit on the landing, and cry. This was Mike at his most melancholic.

Then, what he'd do, is spank a fuckload of coke, come into your bedroom with the force of Jeff Capes kicking a nonce to death, march over to your bed and yell:

GET UP YOU CUNT COME ON GET UP!! LETS FUCKING HAVE A LAUGH I WANNA DANCE YOU BASTARD COME THE FUCK ON LETS HAVE A FIGHT I AM FUCKING ON FIRE YOU CUNT LETS GO MY WIFE IS A CUNT BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M IN THE PRIME OF LIFE AND NO FUCKER WILL TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME COME ON YOU CUNT LETS GO.

Salad days.


 

Shoulders?-Stomach!

This is already an ace thread, horrifying, ghastly and fucking funny. Core CaB.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Thomas on April 12, 2021, 10:30:28 PM
Eventually he proudly noted 'wow, look how many spoons there are!' as he added another to his collection. Lost cause.

After littering this might be the most infuriating behaviour, it's basically indoor littering. The arrogance of expecting other people to do their bit and yours as well is amazing to me. I get annoyed with people leaving rotting food in the work canteen, I dread to think how I'd get on in a house share now. The internalised fury and anger would probably kill me in a year or two.

mothman

Quote from: Pijlstaart on April 13, 2021, 01:22:38 PM
He's a mechanic for commercial airlines now, make of that what you will.

You wouldn't happen to know which, would you? Just wondering, no reason...


Shoulders?-Stomach!

QuoteHe's a mechanic for commercial airlines now, make of that what you will.

Ok can i have an aeroplane

holyzombiejesus

I had to do a flit from one grotty shithole in Rusholme to another and when I arrived at my new home, the door was opened by a crusty who shook my hand and said "welcome to the mad house". I really wish I'd turned round and left right then. I moved in anyway but kept myself completely to myself to the extent that once the crusty collared me when I got home and made me sit in the living room with him because he didn't know my name. He'd made this huge bucket bong and even painted a poster which said 'bucket power!' with an arrow on it pointing down to the bucket. After 5 minutes I asked if it would be ok to go back to my room and he said yes and he never tried to speak to me again. I think I was there for about 6 months and I never once used the kitchen so I didn't have to see him.

Kankurette

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on April 13, 2021, 11:50:41 AM
Oh yeah I lived with one bellend who couldn't even make beans on toast properly. Literally the largest pan in the kitchen so the beans were one layer deep and the hob cranked up to 11 as the juice boiled away.

That was literally the most complex meal they ever attempted. They mostly survived on toast, when they used up all of my butter they moved on to mayonnaise as a spread. They also used to open other people's bread by grabbing the bag from the middle and tearing it. They once announced they were off to the 24 hour shop as I was turning in for the night. In the morning the rubbish next to where they were sat would suggest they'd eaten an entire loaf of bread, a whole bag of grated cheese and a Mars bar.

This obviously didn't give them a particularly fiberous diet, and many mornings I'd have a piss then flush the toilet and have to jump several feet back as they'd blocked the bog, done fuck all about it and the water had drained back down to normal levels overnight.
Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. According to his then housemate, his shits blocked the toilet. He didn't really eat vegetables, I went shopping for him once and had to nag him to let me buy some fruit and veg.

He was also really, really untidy. His bedroom floor was just covered in junk, walking on it was a health hazard. His housemate has really bad asthma and the mess triggered it. If I'd moved in with him I'd have been arrested for murder. I am not the tidiest person in the world but I still keep my kitchen relatively clean.

The Culture Bunker

Did the house/flat share thing at uni, told myself "never again". Preferred living in a horrid, freezing bedsit because at least I was on my own. Was lucky I could live on very little cash to enable I could.

idunnosomename

Quote from: Ham Bap on April 13, 2021, 11:03:02 AM
sun was shining
in the front window
the door was glistening

any dream will doooo

turnstyle

Once shared a place with a woman whose boyfriend used to come around and have loud sex with her, then finish up, come into the living room and talk to me about The Darkness (the band, he wasn't depressed or anything) in his boxers, the sickly aroma of intercourse in the air.

Always The Darkness. They were his favourite band. I didn't really give a shit about The Darkness to begin with, but his post coital lectures aimed at me about them endeared the band to me even less.

Her room was next to the living room, and as it was a modern flat it had been constructed entirely out of the gossamer-thin paper that they used to make Toffo wrappers out of. That's why they had to stop making Toffos, the construction industry needed the materials for residential properties. So I'd hear every second of the act, from the belt buckle unbuckling, to the nut busting, and it was basically like a countdown until DARKNESS CHAT would begin. Even now the increased pace of heavy breathing and the last few laboured moans of coitus instill a fear in me that someone is going to pop up and talk about Justin Hawkins et al.

GoblinAhFuckScary


Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: non capisco on April 13, 2021, 11:37:23 AM
I'm fixated on the detail in Shoulders' post about someone putting bread in the toilet. If I woke up in the morning and saw bread in the toilet I think I'd conclude that I was having some kind of neurological episode and next thing would be me squeezing the toothpaste tube and a load of bees coming out.

I've never resorted to it but have wondered if I could wipe my arse with slices of bread in an emergency.

idunnosomename

what sort of emergency? like a fire? don't think it would help much.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Kankurette on April 13, 2021, 02:31:58 PM
Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. According to his then housemate, his shits blocked the toilet. He didn't really eat vegetables, I went shopping for him once and had to nag him to let me buy some fruit and veg.

He was also really, really untidy. His bedroom floor was just covered in junk, walking on it was a health hazard. His housemate has really bad asthma and the mess triggered it. If I'd moved in with him I'd have been arrested for murder. I am not the tidiest person in the world but I still keep my kitchen relatively clean.

I lent this guy a set of bed sheets when he moved in. He never even put them on... just slept on a naked mattress/duvet. Another mate lived with him and said he did that then too*. I suspect he didn't know how to put them on.

* as he found out when the guy shat the bed.

He also didn't seem to like trousers very much. My mate that lived with him said he had a room off the lounge and once stotted out of his bedroom in front of the telly with his cock hanging out the front of his boxers as my friend and his girlfriend were trying to watch neighbours.

Gurke and Hare

I've been fairly lucky with housemates, mostly by having as few as possible. The first place I lived after university was more six bedsits with a shared kitchen than an actual shared house but that makes it sound worse than it was - the rooms were all good sizes, and the landlord used to clean the place every week. A few months after I moved in someone new moved into the room next to mine, and we got talking. One of the first things he asked me was where the local red light district was, "as I wouldn't want to be driving around after dark and accidentally stop there which could lead to misunderstandings." Yeah mate, sure.

steve98

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on April 13, 2021, 03:19:50 PM
I've never resorted to it but have wondered if I could wipe my arse with slices of bread in an emergency.

I would recommend Bread-tribute band: Toast ("The ultimate Bread experience")


Buelligan

Had a man living with me one time.  I'd come in from work, find him with a load of people, very weird people I'd never seen before, all just kicking back, smoking my smoke and drinking my drink, sat around in my house, looking at me like who the fuck are you?

Also had a cat that would go into the attic and tunnel through the insulation, leave a little shit there.  He would climb on my head when I was asleep and smother me.  He would climb up and eat my croissants, throw bits of the bag all over the room.

I let the cat stay.

Cuntbeaks

We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

Somebody?

Anybody?

Personality I've never even considered it as people are cunts. I would rather live on a starvation diet and have my own place than share with strangers, or worse, people i know.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

QuoteWe need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

Yeah had several who were normal and respectful and we got on.


Pretty tedious stuff

GoblinAhFuckScary

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on April 13, 2021, 08:32:30 PM
We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

I can't really make it into a story but someone who happened to also be living in a true nightmare of a 10 person space (plus an average 4 reprobates camped in the living room) became one of my very very closest friends. There were a few other lovely people there too, but the absolute insane matriarch of that place left me with real emotional scars... so, still bad sorry.

spaghetamine

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on April 13, 2021, 08:32:30 PM
We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

had a lovely evening getting stoned and playing Cities: Skylines with my housemate and constructing a city called Rhubarb

Alfigator

I was in a 9 bed house share when I was a student. One day we were all lobbing eggs at our housemates open velux window, got a pearler that sailed straight through and smash all over the bed whilst our housemate was doing some work in there. She came down and went mad and we all pretended to be alseep on the sofa like we hadnt just chucked 150 eggs at our own house. Nightmare housemate relationships are a little give and take I guess.

I hated halls with a passion and did a massive piss in my housemates 3 litre Strongbow because I was fed up of sharing space with such cretins

Kankurette

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on April 13, 2021, 08:32:30 PM
We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

Somebody?

Anybody?

Personality I've never even considered it as people are cunts. I would rather live on a starvation diet and have my own place than share with strangers, or worse, people i know.
Even if they drove me nuts at times, my housemates in first year were genuinely nice people. I got on better with some than others, and there were arguments, but we had some real laughs together and I can never listen to Beyonce's Crazy In Love without remembering how we used to dance around the kitchen to that song. One of the lads I lived with, a drama/English student, is now an actor on CBeebies and has published a couple of books, and I'm made up for him because he was lovely.

We used to have Soul Calibur tournaments as well. I was always Link.

JaDanketies

Once I lived with my brother and a mutual friend and I shaved and didn't clean the sink afterwards and my brother photographed it and put it on Facebook and tagged me in it.

I remember once breaking down to my dad after we all had an argument about cleaning in front of him. We were all fucking minging early 20s men in retrospect and none of us had any legs to stand on.

Also remember the first time my ex became uncontrollably violent towards me was like 1am in that houseshare, a big loud domestic going on while everyone ought to have been asleep in preparation for work.

far worse than the halls of residence at uni. Halls of residence were chill. I suppose parties were good in that first houseshare and it was nice that everyone was getting stoned all the time.

Ever since then I've lived with sexual partners or by myself. But my (current) fiancee had a housemate when I first met her and they got along very well. Neither of them took the bin out. Kitchen literally just had bags of rubbish in it and there was a fuckin rubbish chute in the block of flats literally 20ft away

peanutbutter

Quote from: The Mollusk on April 13, 2021, 10:53:09 AM
And on approximately three occasions, I walked into the bathroom to see that one of them had managed to get their own shit smeared around the back edge of the toilet seat, as though they'd sat too far back and just cacked all over the fucking plastic. I pulled them up on this and they insisted it could equally have been me. NO I KNOW HOW TO HAVE A FUCKING ACCURATE POO IN A BIG HOLE MATE THANKS.
Had this too, on one occasion there was a combo of shit and blood


On the other end of the scale, I had a cunt flatmate in the first year of uni who repeatedly blamed me for leaving messes in various places, repeatedly discovered it was the guy he was mates with instead (who was an alright guy, not even that messy) and never ever adapted to just not immediately assuming it was me. Fucking really pedantically giving me demonstrations of how to clean shit I left in better condition than him.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

This thread reminds me of this collection of posts from the now dormant Housemate Horror comm on Livejournal:

https://housematehorror.livejournal.com/tag/meindzeye%20adventures

The author recounts various stories of living with boyfriends, housemates and back with her family in an entertaining way.

Kankurette

Anyone remember the Final Fantasy House?


Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

Quote from: Kankurette on April 14, 2021, 12:05:42 AM
Anyone remember the Final Fantasy House?
YES

video above is excellent recapping of it

Anyone remember the shit lasagne? NSFW!