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Nightmare housemates

Started by GoblinAhFuckScary, April 12, 2021, 12:28:54 AM

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Attila

Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on April 14, 2021, 12:35:22 AM


Anyone remember the shit lasagne? NSFW!

This is the story/thread that got me finally to sign up to Something Awful. Amazing stuff.

Jockice

Tony Livesey. Who - because my room had the best mirror in the house - used to come in and do his hair in front of it. For about 20 minutes. Usually while I was still in bed.

Thomas

#62
EDIT: Removed documentation of unapproachable former housemate's depressive episode. I will leave the last line intact:

He was angry that we'd thrown away his ex-girlfriend's jars. When I went to bleach his room, I found a full chicken carcass on the bedside table.

Icehaven

Quote from: Thomas on April 14, 2021, 09:28:44 AM
EDIT: Removed documentation of unapproachable former housemate's depressive episode. I will leave the last line intact:

He was angry that we'd thrown away his ex-girlfriend's jars. When I went to bleach his room, I found a full chicken carcass on the bedside table.

Not a housemate issue but the bloke who lived in the flat underneath the one I've just moved out of had a fondness for throwing food and occasionally rubbish out of his kitchen window onto the roof of the pharmacy on the ground floor. Since he moved in last June and we moved out last month there were at various times loads of slices of bread, piles of rice, pasta, empty pizza boxes, empty spirit bottles and, in a final hurrah, a raw chicken carcass which somehow moved across the roof over the course of a week or so and ended up dangling off the edge threatening to drop on anyone walking below. It must have been something about the building though as the tenants in the other flat under ours used to regularly throw rubbish out of the window in the communal corridor too, so that would land on the ground outside and just blow around the car park.

There were 5 flats in the building and over the two years that we lived there I think we were among the only people who put our bins out with any kind of regularity, which wasn't missed by some other occupants as a few times we had to remove mystery binbags from ours, so we started locking them. When we left there were several other bins overflowing and full bags all over the place and had been for weeks, didn't seem to occur to any of them that they wouldn't magically disappear, you have to put the fucking things out on the pavement (which was a whopping 8ft away).

Paul Calf

I shared a house in York with a group of friends I'd known for years which is a blessing and a curse - you've already had all the major issues out with them but the little things become magnified as a result of proximity and perspective.

Joe was extremely embarrassed when his ex-girlfriend came round one night very drunk. He really hated drama; had no time for it at all. Suzy pissed in the garden then kicked his bedroom window in. It was not pretty.

Another time, Valentin - Bulgarian architecture student who was fond of braiding his pubes and whose main pickup line was "I am Valentin, WOLF of the Carpathians!"[nb]This worked, but was probably more due to Valentin's large, muscular physique, his very large penis and his habit of wearing a kilt than any inherent power of the words[/nb] came home drunk one night, put some sausages under the grill, attempted to defrost the freezer with a sword stick left by Joolz, a previous occupant who had an actual aristocratic title and who had gone off to California to open a restaurant on the hills with his mother, a dowager Duchess or some such thing, and gone to sleep. Christophe - who lived on the ground floor next to Valentin and was often heard to exclaim 'Stop fucking thrupping, Valentin!' through the thin partition walls - awoke to discover a grill on high containing three sausage-shaped lumps of charcoal and a freezer leaking CFCs into the kitchen.

Valentin is now a very successful architect and property developer somewhere on the Black Sea.

Names have been changed.

Buelligan

Once went away for a few days and returned home to find a friend of a friend (I'd met him briefly once, very like Rhys Ifans, lookswise, in all other ways, like a pain in the arse) had broken into my house and was lying in my bed.  I left immediately, stopped paying the rent and moved away, so I had the last laugh.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

Quote from: icehaven on April 14, 2021, 10:13:54 AM
Not a housemate issue but the bloke who lived in the flat underneath the one I've just moved out of had a fondness for throwing food and occasionally rubbish out of his kitchen window onto the roof of the pharmacy on the ground floor. Since he moved in last June and we moved out last month there were at various times loads of slices of bread, piles of rice, pasta, empty pizza boxes, empty spirit bottles and, in a final hurrah, a raw chicken carcass which somehow moved across the roof over the course of a week or so and ended up dangling off the edge threatening to drop on anyone walking below. It must have been something about the building though as the tenants in the other flat under ours used to regularly throw rubbish out of the window in the communal corridor too, so that would land on the ground outside and just blow around the car park.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Buelligan on April 14, 2021, 02:42:16 PM
Once went away for a few days and returned home to find a friend of a friend (I'd met him briefly once, very like Rhys Ifans, lookswise, in all other ways, like a pain in the arse) had broken into my house and was lying in my bed.  I left immediately, stopped paying the rent and moved away, so I had the last laugh.

Not that bad but one of my housemates got into a relationship and then their parter just started turning up/letting themselves in.

They once appeared through the kitchen back door at 1am when I was sat in my pants drinking beer and watching Star Trek: TNG assuming I had the place to myself because my housemate was at a festival. I said "I don't think <housemate> is back until Monday"

"nah it's tuesday"
"..."

mrpupkin

I lived in a bedsit for a while and had an upstairs neighbour who would make these mysterious loud rolling noises late at night, like he had a bowling alley up there or something. I had to go up in the middle of the night and politely ask him to please kindly STFU a few times but never found out the actual source of this strange sound. When he came to move out and had his stuff temporarily piled up in the hallway the puzzle was finally solved as I spied among his effects a fucking unicycle. Just made me laugh to think of all those nights I'd lain awake silently raging at this guy as he rode around his room on a fucking unicycle.

Icehaven

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on April 14, 2021, 04:03:59 PM
Not that bad but one of my housemates got into a relationship and then their parter just started turning up/letting themselves in.

They once appeared through the kitchen back door at 1am when I was sat in my pants drinking beer and watching Star Trek: TNG assuming I had the place to myself because my housemate was at a festival. I said "I don't think <housemate> is back until Monday"

"nah it's tuesday"
"..."

I once read a letter to an agony aunt column from a woman who was living in a houseshare and she'd recently started a relationship with one of the other tenants. Her problem was that he now thought it was fine to walk into her room whenever he liked without knocking, and got extremely upset if she locked her door. The advice from the agony aunt and btl was pretty unanimously GET RID, GET OUT AND GET AWAY. Anyone who immediately needs and expects that kind of constant unlimited access and control in a new relationship, or an old one really, is clearly a potentially dangerous nightmare waiting to happen.

mothman

Twenty years ago, living in Finsbury Park, I had an upstairs neighbour who occasionally howled at the moon. He lived in a flat his parents owned. Don't know what he did for a living, if anything. And he was really, really noisy.

Regular occurrences included:

- Playing the Gladiator main title theme on repeat.
- Same with Moby's "God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters."
- Trying to play along to "Trouble" by Coldplay on a bass guitar.
- Falling asleep with the BBC World Service blaring.

Nice enough guy, I guess. Didn't say much. Me & flatmate had him round for a Sunday roast once.

Another time he called round asking to borrow some money as his card had been eaten. I lent him a tenner, expected never to see it again, but he did repay me.

And then one day he wasn't around anymore. One Saturday morning shortly after, his dad and brother came round, did some stuff in the flat, called the AA to get his car started and then drove it off. Shortly after, they got people in to renovate the flat for sale or lease.

And so I never knew what happened to him. Sectioned? Dead? I chatted briefly to his dad & brother on the stairs that day, but I didn't ask and they didn't say. I think back now about how they acted, but the gulf of years leaves me no clues. Why didn't I ask? Afraid to, I guess. Plus I had other things on my mind, having just walked to the Underground a girl who I'd spent the night with, with whom I'd then fall in love, marry, have two children with and am still with to this day!

I still wish I knew, though.

Video Game Fan 2000

#71
There was a couple in this building who replaced the doormat of their flat with a Star Wars one and when the builders used to leave residents considerate and polite notes informing us of the disturbances and times caused by their work, which was really nice cos they didn't have to, they used to correct the grammar on the notes with a biro and leave them stuck up there with their corrections like they'd make on someones homework.

Never met them but these two facts alone make me think they were ccccccaaaaaahhhhhhnnnnts.

imitationleather

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on April 14, 2021, 07:33:59 PM
they used to correct the grammar on the notes with a biro and leave them stuck up there with their corrections like they'd make someones homework.

Oh my God. If I knew them I would have to do a Mick Philpott on their flat.

Dex Sawash

Quote from: mothman on April 14, 2021, 07:24:49 PM
Twenty years ago, living in Finsbury Park, I had an upstairs neighbour who occasionally howled at the moon. He lived in a flat his parents owned. Don't know what he did for a living, if anything. And he was really, really noisy.

Regular occurrences included:

- Playing the Gladiator main title theme on repeat.
- Same with Moby's "God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters."
- Trying to play along to "Trouble" by Coldplay on a bass guitar.
- Falling asleep with the BBC World Service blaring.

Nice enough guy, I guess. Didn't say much. Me & flatmate had him round for a Sunday roast once.

Another time he called round asking to borrow some money as his card had been eaten. I lent him a tenner, expected never to see it again, but he did repay me.

And then one day he wasn't around anymore. One Saturday morning shortly after, his dad and brother came round, did some stuff in the flat, called the AA to get his car started and then drove it off. Shortly after, they got people in to renovate the flat for sale or lease.

And so I never knew what happened to him. Sectioned? Dead? I chatted briefly to his dad & brother on the stairs that day, but I didn't ask and they didn't say. I think back now about how they acted, but the gulf of years leaves me no clues. Why didn't I ask? Afraid to, I guess. Plus I had other things on my mind, having just walked to the Underground a girl who I'd spent the night with, with whom I'd then fall in love, marry, have two children with and am still with to this day!

I still wish I knew, though.

Still a chance for a happier ending

The Crumb

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on April 13, 2021, 08:32:30 PM
We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

Somebody?

Anybody?

Personality I've never even considered it as people are cunts. I would rather live on a starvation diet and have my own place than share with strangers, or worse, people i know.

I had a house in London that worked out really nicely. Two lads (Tim and Gary) were looking for a couple of people to move into a 4 bed house. They were really into their raves and very hard techno, bigging up the party potential of the house. I really needed somewhere fairly urgently and the house was nice, so I went for it, then got increasingly worried pre-move in about how little sleep I'd get. It turned out great, they were extreme weekend warriors who were very sensible Monday-Friday, then disappeared all weekend leaving me and the other housemate the run of the house and garden. The other housemate they recruited was a lovely French girl called Louise, who was new to London, out a lot at the weekend and relaxed and friendly when she was about. Gary had two exelllent tuxedo cats that I was very happy to live with and look after at the weekends. As summer approached, Tim and Gary disappeared for longer periods, including about a month to go to Burning Man. I had a great big mostly empty house for hosting, and basically lived off barbecues.

The icing on the cake was that were paying rent to some mysterious figure off in Leicester, distinct from the Landlady and who we never heard from, even after messaging. Anticipating desposit troubles, I didn't pay rent for the last two months. This was never picked up on, and after a testy exchange with the landlady about alleged damages, we got our full deposit back. All in, a very successful houseshare.

mothman

Quote from: Dex Sawash on April 14, 2021, 07:51:58 PM
Still a chance for a happier ending

Yeah, someone who's name I can't remember who lived at one address about 20 years ago. I'm really good at finding people on the internet but even that is going to test me.

Icehaven

As if housesharing wasn't bad enough, imagine living with your boss and all your colleagues. And you all work from home.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/apr/20/work-boss-fiveable-milwaukee-house-together

Given they've also been locked down together so have literally been together 24/7 for a year and hardly even socialised with anyone else, I don't buy for one second that they've only had one argument and it was about heating. More like that's the biggest one they've had on top of the countless other smaller rows and niggles everyone has even in normal living situations and normal times.

Rent free for a year, a gym and moving costs paid sounds appealing but I think the advantages of that would wear off after about a week, and as the article implies, however much they claim otherwise you'd always be at work and expected to be available. Plus if they don't approve of each other's behaviour in what pitiful downtime they have it's going to impact on their working relationship whether they admit it or not, it's human nature.

Small Man Big Horse

Quote from: Dex Sawash on April 12, 2021, 12:58:23 AM
Would like an smbh housemate update

Somewhat amazingly the current bunch I live with are mostly okay, the last annoying guy couldn't pay his rent and so moved out in the middle of the night, stealing the furniture which included a large and heavy double bed, two giant wardrobes and a big desk and chest of drawers, all without waking anyone somewhat impressively, but since he left I mostly get on with everyone. One bloke is a dick admittedly, refusing to take the vaccine as he doesn't trust the government, but I rarely see him thankfully so can happily ignore his existence.

Of course now I've said this I'm sure a complete cunt will move in tomorrow, and murder us all in our sleep the following day, but as long as he does it quickly I shan't complain I guess.

flotemysost

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on April 13, 2021, 08:32:30 PM
We need a positive houseshare story to balance out these anxiety/mirth inducing horror stories.

Somebody?

Anybody?

My new flatmates seem really lovely - friendly but chilled, clean, liberal-minded and with similar interests. I'm surprised at what a difference it's making to my overall happiness just having the option of sharing a couple of beers and a chat in the kitchen in the evening, but also still very much being able to do my own thing. Still glad I've tried living alone, but this feels like a really nice balance (and it's a hell of a lot cheaper).

Quote from: turnstyle on April 13, 2021, 03:07:36 PM
Once shared a place with a woman whose boyfriend used to come around and have loud sex with her, then finish up, come into the living room and talk to me about The Darkness (the band, he wasn't depressed or anything) in his boxers, the sickly aroma of intercourse in the air.

Always The Darkness. They were his favourite band. I didn't really give a shit about The Darkness to begin with, but his post coital lectures aimed at me about them endeared the band to me even less.

Her room was next to the living room, and as it was a modern flat it had been constructed entirely out of the gossamer-thin paper that they used to make Toffo wrappers out of. That's why they had to stop making Toffos, the construction industry needed the materials for residential properties. So I'd hear every second of the act, from the belt buckle unbuckling, to the nut busting, and it was basically like a countdown until DARKNESS CHAT would begin. Even now the increased pace of heavy breathing and the last few laboured moans of coitus instill a fear in me that someone is going to pop up and talk about Justin Hawkins et al.

Think this is my favourite reply so far.

Paul Calf

The last sentence really makes it.

Camp Tramp

A few years back I got back from a stay in London to discover my bed covers tousled and a measuring jug on my desk full of cigarette butts and phlegm. I tidied up the room and pulled an empty condom packet out from behind my bed. That was especially galling since I hadn't had sex in that bed and as it happened, never did!

It was at that point that I started to lock my door when I left town. I lived with (still) friends so I trusted them not to steal my possessions and I have no problem with friends staying over. However, the phlegm jug and sex was a little too much!

Kankurette

Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on April 14, 2021, 12:35:22 AM
YES

video above is excellent recapping of it

Anyone remember the shit lasagne? NSFW!
I thought the shit lasagne was a reference to this when you initially mentioned it. Warning: do not read if you are eating.

The Ombudsman

Quote from: Kankurette on April 21, 2021, 10:08:45 AM
I thought the shit lasagne was a reference to this when you initially mentioned it. Warning: do not read if you are eating.

Well, that was a fun read.

bgmnts

Jesus fucking Christ that's fucked up my life.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Ok, that's truly fucked up.

flotemysost

OK, so this is hardly nightmare criteria (there's no poo or wanking involved in this story, FYI), it's not even a bad thing really, but has anyone had one of these flatmates who's CONSTANTLY on the phone? I don't mean for work or anything, just seemingly every moment of their spare time when they're at home. But all the time. ABC, Always Be Chatting.

I've had a few (one of the current flatmates is one) and I can sort of understand why in each of their cases they'd be on the phone a lot, as in every case they have family and friends outside the UK, and obviously just miss them and want to stay in touch. That's clearly fair (and especially so at the moment).

The thing I can't get my head around, though, that it's not like it's an impenetrable stream of chatter, but whatever they're doing (watching TV in the living room, cooking something) chances are they're on a call at the same time. Which makes it a bit awkward if you also want to hang out in a communal area.

In a previous flatshare, often I'd walk into the kitchen and see that my flatmate was ostensibly sitting there eating her dinner in silence, so I'd start jabbering away to her, then I'd hear a tinny voice waft up from her phone or iPad and realise she was on a video call, except apparently one with lots of big silent gaps, while eating. Is that a bit weird? Or am I weird for thinking that's weird?

I speak to my family a fair bit on the phone/video calls but I'll always go in my room to do so. But then I've never lived really far away from my family, or been in a long distance relationship etc. so maybe I just don't get it.

Small Man Big Horse

I feel your pain flotemysost, one person I live with is constantly on the phone, apart from when his partner visits he seems to be on it all the time, and weirdly for a fifty year old man he sounds like a teenager, always gossiping and whining about people. Luckily I can't hear him from within my room but the second I step outside my door his loud booming voice is ever present, and while most of the time it's from his room in the floor above mine whenever he's in the communal areas he doesn't give a fuck that people are trying to watch tv. As I am an unsociable bastard who spends most of his time in his room it isn't an issue, but everyone else in the house hates the idiot.

Attila

Quote from: Kankurette on April 21, 2021, 10:08:45 AM
I thought the shit lasagne was a reference to this when you initially mentioned it. Warning: do not read if you are eating.

That tale, when it ran originally on Something Awful, was what finally got me to pony up a membership to SA.

I've had horrible roommates, but that's the gold standard, right there.

Pancake

The worst it ever got for me was my two housemates who were really sound but never emptied the bin so it would overflow, muggins here was the only person who would ever take the bins out! Nightmare!

My wife used to live with someone who had a breakdown and stored all their shit in takeaway boxes, piled up on shelves and under the bed.

Pancake

Hate to be the guy but WHY did the author persist with someone who shit everywhere and kept tarantulas. NOT BUYING IT.